Hotch isn't really known for his agility. Sure, he can run. He's honed that skill since he was a child, when it was a necessity for his survival.
It's Haley who's coordinated. When she wraps herself around him, his eyes widen in shock. She is like a climbing vine. Strong, lithe, thin. Beautiful.
"I want a baby..." she breathes.
And he doesn't dare say what he is thinking:
I want you.
He's pretty sure that would be the wrong answer at a time like this.
She leans in, kisses him, and his mouth is on fire.
Looking back, it's like this was destined. Not the great destiny where everyone lives happily ever after, but the kind where something is destined to fail. In this case, it was his marriage.
He knows Haley is cheating on him. He doesn't ask because he doesn't want it confirmed. If he says he's stayed faithful, she'll accuse him of cheating on her with his job. Which, would be true, if his job were a woman, but it isn't.
Still, Aaron knows, she would be right about one thing. When it comes down to choosing his family or his work, for some reason, his work always takes priority. For him, it's an easy choice. In his family, no one is at risk.
But with 20/20 hindsight, Aaron can see the truth:
In his family, everyone is at risk.
It's a recurring nightmare Haley used to have, that Aaron has somehow inherited. That Jack is taken. That they never find him.
The case they're working doesn't help. A 6-year-old has gone missing in a shopping mall a week after another girl was found dead. That girl was a stranger-abduction. Aaron isn't so sure about this one.
From the first, something seems off, though he can't put his finger on what exactly.
By the time he pulls the girl out of the storage locker she's been trapped in, barely conscious...by the time Aaron has done CPR on her...by the time she takes a breath and coughs...Aaron is shaking. This was not a stranger, but the child's aunt. The uncle was molesting her.
He cannot shake the feeling of that tiny, weightless body in his arms. Before he goes home, he stops and wakes up Haley.
"Can I see him? Just for a minute?"
In Jack's room, Aaron breathes a sigh of relief.
His son is here. He's okay.
Maybe, he'll be able to sleep tonight, knowing this much is true.
Hotch pulls back the paper sheet that covers Kate's face.
There's a man in here, a tech, eating a Twizzler while he mops up her blood. It makes Hotch's stomach roll. The other says he is sorry. They did everything they could.
He cannot believe it is like this. That he is standing here, with one ear destroyed, and she is lying here, dead. He knows somewhere deep inside that this scenario could have easily been reversed, and he swallows.
Grasping her hand, he squeezes it gently.
Hotch would think later, he was grateful for the drink he took before he realized he wasn't alone. Before he realized The Reaper was in the house with him.
He keeps his features schooled for calm, even as he knows that this isn't going to end well. His heart is pounding. He's going to die today. What will Haley say? Will Jack remember him?
But Hotch doesn't let The Reaper see any of this. Instead, he puts on a mask of his own. He pretends he is prepared for this.
In reality, he isn't at all.
As the knife is driven into him, Hotch gasps, and the thought that travels through his head is strange:
He wishes he had taken more than one drink.
Hotch has gone a little overboard in searching for The Reaper. He knows this. It's what he's been going for all along. He wants to appear overwhelmed. It's only a matter of time before he will step down, out of necessity. Because he needs The Reaper to believe that the pressure is getting to him. That he can't handle the job.
All along, though, Hotch will keep tabs. He'll be involved in the cases they work. And he will never stop looking for who he is looking for. He'll never stop, because he promised Haley and he wants Jack to be able to come home.
He wants to be able to get on with his life.
That's not going to happen unless Hotch does everything in his power. Unless he does everything right.
Hotch can't see anything but The Reaper. Can't hear anything but the blood rushing in his ears. He sees Haley in his mind's eye. Jack. He hears the promise made while Hotch was being attacked.
"I'm gonna find that little bastard son of yours..."
He punches again. And again. And again. The anger. The hurt. The fear. The protective instincts. The everything flowing through Hotch's veins lets him know that he cannot stop.
And then he has to. Derek has him from behind and is holding him back.
...And just like that, Hotch has nothing. He is empty. His mind is full of smoke and burning embers where his memories of Haley used to be. In his head are the echoes of his promises to Haley:
"I'll spend the rest of my life making this up to you..."
Time runs together. Somehow, his is kneeling over Haley. Cradling her. Embracing her.
Apologizing.
It's beautiful when they wake and bury Haley.
It is beautiful, but Aaron is on autopilot, picking out a suit and tie for Jack. Trying to explain death to his four-year-old son while he got ready for his ex-wife's funeral is never something Aaron thought he would have to do.
"You know what happened to Mommy, right?"
"Yeah. George got her."
"Right. So people are going to be sad and crying today. Because they miss Mommy. What made Mommy so special? Her smiles and love and happiness? That's somewhere else now."
"Where?" Jack is tense all of a sudden.
Aaron pauses. "I don't know," he admits. "But it's somewhere safe. No bad guys are allowed." He knows he has said the right thing when Jack relaxes.
"We're going to be going to church and listen to a man talk about Mommy. There's going to be a box..." Aaron's throat swells and he swallows against the emotion. "There's going to be a box," he breathes. "A special box for Mommy's body. And after church, we're going to a special place outside to put the box in the ground."
"Okay," Jack says, though he clearly doesn't understand.
There is a pause while Aaron ties Jack's tie, the same way Haley tied Aaron's time and time again.
"Is it like Peter Pan?" he asks, wonderment and sadness shining in his eyes.
"What?"
"Is she like a treasure?"
Hotch is used to being alone. But not like this. This hurts. This is like a wound opened and reopened a thousand times. It is worse than when Haley and Jack went into Witness Protection, because now, Haley is just gone.
At night, he thinks of her. Wonders about things he doesn't have any business wondering about. Spiritual things. He wonders where she is. If he'll be able to join her. If it's true, what JJ said… If one day he'll be able to remember her without this horrible ache inside.
He wonders if he'll be able to do this by himself. Raise Jack the way he promised her he would…but at the same time, Hotch knows he will.
He has no other choice. He loves Jack too much to do anything else.
When Aaron looks in the mirror, he does not see himself.
But when he looks at Jack, it's like looking in a mirror.
Physically, they could have been twins except that Aaron grew up with dark hair, and Jack inherited Haley's. And of course, personality-wise, he is all Haley, with his energy and sense of humor and resilience.
Though it hurts to know she will not be here to see Jack turn five or six or any other age, it is a comfort that he is here. Jack was their gift to each other, Aaron knows. And he means to raise him right, and love him fiercely.
When someone dies, your mind alters. Aaron is sure of it. It happened to him. After losing Haley, all he can think of is her in the best possible light. He doesn't remember all the things she said or did that raised his blood pressure.
He remembers the amazing mother she was to Jack. The vacations. All the firsts they shared. None of the hard times.
They aren't necessarily lies, Aaron knows. They are just what he really needs to believe, in order to move forward.
When Jack wakes up screaming, Aaron is at his side in a minute.
It's the worst because there is absolutely nothing Aaron can do. Jack never wakes up. He can never be soothed. And he never remembers the nightmares in the morning. All Aaron can do is try not to make it worse. He knows better than to try and touch him because Jack screams like he's being tortured. He writhes and cries and tries to fight.
So, Aaron sits quietly nearby. Just in case Jack wakes up and needs him.
"No!" Jack screams, and Aaron comes a little closer. "Don't...do...it..." He is sobbing now, his breath hitching.
Aaron bows his head, swallowing back his own tears.
"I know," he whispers.
Aaron and Haley might not have agreed on many things, but they were committed about how they wanted Jack raised. They had even made a list, around the same time they were going through baby name books, contemplating calling their son Gideon.
He still had the list in his head, and now that Jack was bigger, number one was constantly circling in Aaron's mind.
1. Discipline: Timeouts. Privileges revoked. Grounding.
They both had been determined not to raise Jack in fear of either one of them. Determined not to raise a hand to him, ever. Aaron wanted his son to grow up knowing he could trust his dad, not living in fear of him, like Aaron had done with his own father.
So, when Jack screams, "I hate you!" and sweeps a pile of papers off the table, Aaron takes him by the hand and calmly walks him to the corner. It's not always that simple. There are times when Aaron has to take deep breaths. Count to ten. Remind himself of his promise to Haley, so his own temper won't show.
"Four minutes," he says matter-of-factly, and turns his back.
This whole procedure is easier said than done. He has taken to watching parenting shows from time to time just to see what actually works. He never counted on being solely responsible for Jack - in fact - Aaron was sure he would be the absentee parent. So, he watches and takes notes and is consistent, to the point that now, Jack stays where he's put.
When the four minutes are up, Aaron approaches his son again.
"I put you on timeout because-"
"Because we don't say hate," Jack replied certainly. His eyes still bright with tears. "I know."
"That's right. We don't."
"Did Mommy say that's the rules?"
"Yes," Aaron nodded, and his heart squeezed uncomfortably. Jack was already losing pieces of his mother, and she hadn't been gone long at all. "Mommy and Daddy both decided those are the rules."
"Okay," Jack sighed.
"What are you going to say next time you don't want to do something?" he asked, after the apology, the hug and the kiss that were mandatory of Jack after a timeout.
"Say, 'No, thank you.'"
"That's right. Good job. Now let's go clean up those papers."
"Daddy! Come find me! I'm ready!"
Aaron sighs and gets up from his desk. Jack is not like other children who fall asleep if you stop looking for them. Jack will always wait to be found.
And Aaron will never stop looking.
His breath hitches, walking through this quiet place. It reminds him, a little too much, of the last time he searched for someone. Of the warped game of Hide and Seek that ended with Haley dead on the floor of their bedroom. Aaron never spoke of this, but he always, always felt as though she was staring at him.
He takes a steadying breath and tamps down on the urge to pull his gun.
Jack is fine, he reminds himself.
"Whistle while you work! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mmmmmmmm!" Jack sings to himself, humming because he can't whistle. "Daddy, did you hear that? Can you find me yet?"
Aaron smiles to himself, in spite of all the horror his mind insists on reliving.
Then, he lifts Jack's covers, and finds his son just where he should be.
"Jack. Honey. Daddy will be back, okay? I promise," Aaron says, trying to peel his son off from his leg.
"Don't go!" he sobs.
"I'm sorry. I have to."
"No you don't! You can stay home so why don't you? You're a grown-up! You can do whatever you want!"
Resolutely, Aaron bends down and picks Jack up so he can look him in the eye. "Listen to me. I have to work. I wish I didn't, but I do. Jessica will take good care of you. I am coming back. I love you."
Aaron gives Jack a kiss and deposits him with his aunt.
Sighing he walks out the door.
Leaving never gets any easier for him either.
Jack is playing when he sees the pretty floating crumbs in the sunlight. They are kind of special. They make him happy and they make him sneeze.
His daddy says dust is not special, but Jack isn't so sure. He remembers picking dandelions one time for Mommy. Daddy said, "Don't bring her weeds," but Mommy had taken them, smelled them and said she loved them so, so much.
This is why he is pretty sure his mommy would think dust is special, too.
"I don't know how to do this thing, Dad!" Jack insists, closer to tears than Aaron wants him to be.
"Buddy, you don't have to be upset. It's not a big deal, okay? I promise. What color is this?" he asks, holding up the closest item, his badge.
"Shiny..." Jack pouts.
"Okay. Bad example. Look, all you have to do is find pictures of things that are red, and cut them out, okay?"
"I hate red..."
"You know something, it's not my favorite color either, but this is what your teacher asked you to do."
Jack heaves a sigh, and then digs in his pocket and pulls out a picture of Haley.
"Her sweater's red..." he whispers. "But I'm not cutting that out because it's Mom and that's not nice."
Aaron closes his eyes. "Not real pictures, Jack. Just out of magazines."
"But you don't got any magazines..." Jack protests and Aaron knows he is right. Haley had all the subscriptions: Good Housekeeping, Reader's Digest, People, Parenting, even Dance Spirit, for reasons that still eluded Aaron.
"You're right. Hold on."
Aaron gets on the phone and punches a button. He feels ridiculous and inadequate, but deep down, he knows she won't mind. She is not the only mother Aaron knows. But she is the only one he trusts, regarding anything with Jack.
"JJ? It's Hotch. Do you have any magazines?"
Hotch keeps seven kinds of tea on hand.
He isn't a tea-drinker. They were Haley's.
The gingerbread spice. The sugar cookie. The honey vanilla chamomile. The apple cinnamon, the Echinacea complete care, the mint, and the blueberry. They are all kept safely in the corner cabinet, where he can see them. He never drinks them. He doesn't know why, of all things, he insisted on keeping this, from the house.
But he did.
It means something.
It means she was here once.
It means he wishes she were here again.
Sometimes, it means, he feels her close by.
And when the teas mysteriously become rearranged, Hotch prefers to believe it's Haley, just keeping him on his toes.
