Chapter IV

"Right, My Sanity"


x_x…S_S...x_x

18 July 1996 – Thursday

A long moment of silence followed Harry's departure. Severus wasn't really surprised by the way that had gone. For whatever reason, Harry seemed incapable of understanding why anyone was even surprised by his uncharacteristically bloodthirsty countenance. Severus was fairly convinced that it was some form of insanity. He was just praying that it was both mild and temporary, or they'd all be in trouble.

Granger was the first to speak. "Did you see his eyes?" she whispered.

"Yes," Lupin responded just as quietly.

"Bloody hell," Weasley moaned. "I was hoping that was just the candlelight."

Severus didn't really blame them for being unnerved by that. He didn't like it either.

"Sir," Granger said thoughtfully. "What Harry said to you… the way that he said it… Did he just give you an… order?"

"I have sworn to serve him," Severus admitted, forcing himself to ignore her stammering. He really didn't want to know what Harry's reaction would be if the boy found out that he was belittling his friends. Besides, Granger was the most reasonable of the lot.

Lupin made another choking sound. Weasley looked like he might faint.

Granger swallowed hard, but otherwise took it quite well. "Serve him," she muttered to herself.

"Why would he need servants?!" Weasley sputtered.

"Honestly, Ronald!" Granger scolded before Severus could decide whether to give in to the urge to snap at the boy. "I think it's pretty obvious. Malfoy all but bowed to him, and by the way he offered to have Narcissa fetch…" She started to look a little green as she failed to finish that sentence.

"What's happened to him?" Lupin demanded of Severus. "That… boy who just left. That wasn't Harry-"

For all their touted nobility, Gryffindors certainly seemed quick to abandon their friends… Not that that should have surprised Severus, really. "The part that Potter neglected to mention was that Voldemort also used a Killing Curse tonight," Severus snarled at the werewolf. "And, yet again, Potter survived it!"

Well, at least that managed to shut them up. "It was after he'd risen from certain death that he cast the Killing Curse, and he spared Narcissa, Draco, and myself. Believe me when I tell you that no one else in that room deserved his mercy."

"Does Harry…" Hermione cleared her throat and began again, more steadily. "Does Harry intend to be the next dark lord?"

"He has not yet stated his intentions," Severus admitted, and considered his words carefully to decide whether they would harm Harry or his plans. Given what he knew, he decided they were more likely to help. "It is possible. What I do know is that he does not intend to follow Albus anymore."

Granger was starting to look a bit green again.

"Narcissa, Draco, and myself have sworn our allegiance to him, and I believe that he intends the three of you to join him, if not swear to him as well."

"Swear in what manner?" Granger pressed shrewdly.

Was she this discerning in class? How had he not noticed before? Again, he considered his response. They'd been ordered not to speak of the Vow, but he had also been ordered to answer their questions. In his opinion, the conflicting orders left the decision to his discretion. "We have each given an Unbreakable Vow to bring no willful harm to him or his plans. Beyond that, he has taken us at our word."

Weasley dropped his head onto his arms on the table and moaned something indiscernible. Lupin had buried his face in one of his hands. Only Granger seemed to yet be weighing the situation. "That's reasonable," she said after a moment, then immediately glared at her companions' startled looks. "It is!" she insisted. "First of all, two of them were his enemies this morning, and Professor Snape – I'm sorry, sir – is a spy. That Vow was the very least he could have reasonably accepted. Honestly, it would have been insane to do anything less."

Severus winced internally at her choice of phrasing.

"Are you really okay with this?!" Weasley demanded. "Harry's gonna be as bad as Vold-demort!" he stumbled over saying the name aloud.

"Don't say that!" Granger growled at her friend a bit shrilly. "You do not know that! Look, Harry's had a really awful year! First with Professor Dumbledore ignoring him, and then Professor Snape – sorry, sir – teaching him Occlumency!"

Severus actually had to repress a smirk. The fact that she even felt the need to keep apologizing to him every time she said something true about him was bemusing, to say the least. The fact that she actually seemed to genuinely mean the apologies, was something else altogether.

"With Voldemort worming around in his head, and that foul scar leaving him in agony every other day, it's a wonder he has any sanity left! Then Sirius gets killed right in front of him, and the Order treats him like some barely tolerated child! Then he actually kills Voldemort and a whole slew of Death Eaters – which was our goal if you'll remember, Ronald – and all we can do is stare at him as if he's lost his mind!"

"But what if he has?" Weasley insisted.

"If he had, then no one in this house would have survived!" Granger snapped.

Severus would have agreed with her if he hadn't thought it would hurt her cause.

"Harry must be so angry with us," she despaired.

"Him angry with us?" Weasley demanded.

"She's right, Ron," Lupin sighed, finally deigning to help. "Harry's only done exactly what he was meant to do. He just did it a little sooner than we expected. He's probably just a bit in shock at how quickly it all happened."

"But what's with swearing people to serve him?" Weasley pressed stubbornly.

Lupin looked at Severus.

Making the effort to avoid rolling his eyes, he addressed all of them. "Harry has not yet divulged his plans, as I've said," he repeated as politely as he was able. "You'll have to wait and speak to him in the morning. For now, it is probably best we all went to bed."

Though Weasley continued to mumble complaints, and Lupin looked a lot more worried than he'd claimed to be, they were soon ushered off toward the guest wing.

"Thank you, sir," Granger said quietly as she lingered after the departure of the other two.

Severus frowned at her uncertainly. "For what, Miss Granger?"

"For looking after Harry," she replied soberly. "You stood behind him when you didn't have to. So, thank you."

She turned and slipped into her room before Severus could figure out what to say to that.

He stared after her for a moment before shaking his head and turning toward the ballroom to find Narcissa. He'd always known that Granger was the brains behind that trio, but he'd not really expected her to be so sensible and level-headed. From what he'd seen tonight, she was barely even a Gryffindor. Maybe that was why Harry had managed to survive this long.

He found Narcissa just finishing up her task, and quickly instructed her to be sure the manor was secure not only against intrusion, but excursion.

"You think they'll try to run to Dumbledore?" she asked in an undertone despite the fact that they were completely alone.

"It's possible," he allowed. "I don't think we have to worry about Granger, but Weasley and the werewolf have considerable doubts. It would be best to ensure they are all here to speak with Harry in the morning."

"The mudblood is the reasonable one?" Narcissa asked, surprised.

"Careful, Cissa," Severus frowned. "It would be very dangerous to let Harry hear you say that word." She'd not said it with any real derision, but she'd still said it. Severus really couldn't predict how Harry would react to it, even spoken so mildly.

She swallowed hard and nodded quickly. "I'll remember that."

"See that you do," he encouraged.

"Severus, do you know why he spared us?" she asked urgently.

He shook his head, "I can only speculate. Neither Draco nor I have ever been kind to him. Not by any definition of the word. I expect that he recognized that I was an ally, and not truly aligned with Voldemort." It still felt strange to speak his name aloud, but calling him the Great Lord was absolutely out of the question, and "dark lord"… Well, that title may now belong to Harry.

"I honestly cannot imagine why he chose to spare you and Draco while giving no apparent thought to the others."

She frowned pensively. "We need to figure it out before we unwittingly do something to make him change his mind."

Severus nodded his agreement.

"Gabby," she called.

The house elf appeared with a crack, bowing to brush his long nose on the floor. "How may Gabby serve mistress?" he quavered quietly.

"Bring Draco to me."


x_x…H_P...x_x

I took another pull directly from the bottle of firewhiskey, regretting the fact that I'd frightened the house elf who'd delivered it. I was just so fucking angry! The three people that I actually considered friends were treating me like shit while my three former enemies treated me with respect. I honestly didn't know what to do with that.

"The ballroom has been cleaned, my Lord," Draco's quiet voice came from the doorway. "Voldemort's body has been preserved and is stored in the dungeons until it is needed."

"Come in here, Draco," I bade.

There was a moment's hesitation, followed by the sound of footsteps approaching. I gestured him into the chair opposite and the blonde sat, his posture perfect, his countenance nervous.

"You're afraid of me," I stated.

Draco frowned warily.

I sighed, letting my head fall back as I took another pull of whiskey, enjoying the burn in my throat. "I'm not going to curse you, Draco. I am not Voldemort."

"I know that, my Lord," he replied quietly.

"Enough with the 'my lord' shit," I cringed, then reluctantly amended, "at least when we're alone."

"What do you want me to call you?" he questioned nervously.

"How about Harry," I huffed.

"Okay."

"My friends think that I'm insane, you know," I grumbled, taking another swig. I shook my head, "Do you think they're right?"

When no answer was forthcoming, I tipped my head down again so that I could look at my former nemesis.

Draco swallowed hard, "I don't think you're insane."

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously, "You wouldn't just be saying that to placate the nutter, would you?"

Draco's shoulders shook with one brief, poorly repressed laugh.

I finally smiled. I extended the bottle toward the blonde. "Here, try this."

Draco accepted it warily and brought it slowly toward his lips as though the very concept of drinking directly from the bottle offended his sensibilities but he was too intimidated to say anything.

I laughed heartily, feeling my spirits rise considerably at the discomfort on the man's face. "Here," I offered, conjuring a glass and passing it over.

Draco started slightly as it appeared in my outstretched hand, but accepted it with a small nod, pouring out two fingers.

"You'll probably need more than that," I chuckled, commandeering the bottle and filling the glass almost to the top. "You've got to catch up," I explained before leaning back in my chair to take another drink directly from the bottle, kind of hoping it would annoy Draco.

The blonde took a deep breath, then tipped the glass back and drained nearly half of it in one pull. He only coughed slightly when he'd swallowed it.

I grinned, "That's more like it. Now, where were we? Right, my sanity." That topic brought my frown back. "You're happy that they're all dead, right?"

Draco nodded, reverting to sipping delicately at his glass now. "Yes, my- Harry." He said my name awkwardly as though it was a collection of sounds he'd never expected to pass his lips in such a way.

"Try this," I suggested, "pretend like today never happened. Pretend like we're still enemies. And tell me what you really think."

Draco paled. "I, ah…" He took another drink, this one deeper, cleared his throat quietly, and tried again. "I guess, I'd say… Well, I'd probably say something stupid and mean, actually. Assuming that I was being honest, however…" He frowned thoughtfully, then met my eyes again, more boldly. "I'd say that I've never seen anything more brilliant than the look on that psychopath's face when you got back up. I'd say that I've never been more terrified in my life than I was when that curse filled the room." He looked down at his glass when he said that, but his voice was still strong.

"I want to laugh every time I remember that they're all gone," he said solemnly enough that laughing was clearly the furthest thing from his mind. "Why'd you spare my mother and me, Harry?" he asked so quietly that I barely caught it in the nearly silent room.

I considered the question. I hadn't really given it much thought since immediately after it had happened. Why had I let Draco live? He'd been horrible to me. Well, we'd been horrible to each other really, but Draco had usually been the one to start it.

"I mean, evidently Severus has been spying for Dumbledore this whole time, so I can kind of see why you let him live, but why me?" Draco went on. "And you only know my mother by reputation, like a lot of the Death Eaters that you killed tonight."

Why had I left Draco alive? Was it just because I did know him, even if I didn't like him? Because the thought of killing a schoolmate was just different from killing random Death Eaters?

No, that couldn't be it. I'd been only too eager to kill everyone in that room tonight. After what they'd done, they all deserved it. I didn't regret a single one of them.

An answer brushed at the back of my mind and I mentally batted it away. It was ridiculous; certainly not reason enough to spare a Death Eater's life. Right?

"I think… There's a part of me that always kind of understood you," I said thoughtfully, pausing to take another long drink, hoping to wash away that other answer.

To Draco's blank look, I continued.

"We're kind of alike in a way," I admitted, ignoring the slight slur that was touching my words. "We both had other people telling us who we were and who we were supposed to be. I never had a choice in becoming Voldemort's arch nemesis. I mean, I already was when I was a year old. You never had a choice about following him, considering that your family has been for generations.

"I suppose I wanted to give you a chance. See if that's who you really were, or if there was as much more to you as there is to me than being the Boy-Who-Lived," I sneered the title.

Draco was still for a moment, then tipped back his glass and drained the remainder, accepting my silent offer for a refill.

"So what'd'ya think?" I inquired when Draco had taken another large swig from his refilled glass. "Can we put the last five years behind us and start over?" I offered, extending my hand.

Draco looked at it a moment, then a wry smile twisted his lips, "I should refuse you. It'd be fair turnabout." But he pressed his palm to mine and gave my hand a firm shake.

I grinned, raising my bottle. "To friends of the wrong sort," I declared.

Draco smirked and clinked his glass against the bottle. He finally leaned back in his chair – just a little – his posture portraying that he was relaxed, one of the first such instances that I had ever witnessed.

"So what are you going to do now?" Draco wondered after a moment. "Voldemort's dead. You're cutting ties with the Dumble-dork. Accruing minions," he smirked that last.

I sighed at the sobering topic. "Voldemort's not gone, Draco," I admitted. "He'll be back, just as he was the last time."

Draco almost choked on his drink. "Are you serious? How?"

"Have you ever heard of a horcrux?" I wondered.

Draco's brow furrowed in thought. "It sounds familiar, but…" he shook his head.

"Essentially, you shear off a piece of your soul by murdering someone, and then affix that piece to an object, storing it separate from your body so that if you die, it remains, and you can come back," I explained. "It's extremely dark magic, and probably the reason old snake face barely even looked human anymore."

"How'd you find out about that?" Draco breathed, looking astounded.

"Hermione, of course," I shrugged. "Dumbledore confirmed it when I asked him about it. Riddle, evidently, made a bunch of them. I destroyed one in second year – the diary."

Draco grimaced, suddenly looking uneasy. Probably because his dad had given that diary to Ginny.

I considered how to respond to that – the alcohol probably wasn't making it any easier to think... But then, that was kind of the point. "It wasn't right what your father did," I acknowledged, prompting Draco to lift his eyes warily. "Ginny and I both almost died, and so did a lot of other people when the Chamber of Secrets was opened, but…"

But? How did you add a "but" to that?

"Well, it gave me the chance to destroy one of the horcruxes," I reasoned.

"Did you really go into the Chamber of Secrets?" Draco asked hesitantly.

I nodded. "Yeah. You've got to speak Parseltongue to open it-"

"And you really killed the basilisk?" Draco pressed on more eagerly.

I chuckled, "Yeah, I did. Course, it would have killed me too, if not for Fawkes. Phoenix tears are one of the only things that can defeat basilisk venom."

Draco shook his head slowly. "Well, I'm really glad you didn't die."

My brow rose in surprise.

The Slytherin huffed a laugh, "Well, if you'd died, then snake-face would still be alive, wouldn't he?"

I grinned at that. "Good point."

For a moment, we were both lost in silent thought before Draco quietly asked, "He's going to come back?"

"Well, not if I can help it," I admitted. "That's what I plan to do. I'm going to see if we can find a way to locate his horcruxes and destroy them before he can come back. If not, I'm going to build myself enough of an army to obliterate him when he does come back."

Draco's brow rose. "You're going to build an army?" he asked in surprise.

I shrugged, "Well, probably not a huge army, mind. Kind of like… my own version of the Death Eaters, but, you know, with souls."

Draco huffed a quiet laugh. "You really are the new dark lord, then."

I took another drink and slouched a little more in my seat, kicking my feet up on what was probably an insanely expensive table by the way Draco winced when my feet hit it. "I don't know. The title would certainly get me all the recognition I could ever want – and more – but I don't know if that's the image that I really want. I want to be taken seriously, but not immediately loathed. Besides, I don't want to only recruit people looking for power."

Draco put his slender chin in his palm, his expression turning thoughtful. "Are you planning on going back to school?"

"Of course," I frowned. I hadn't explicitly considered it, but it had seemed obvious.

Draco smirked a little, "And you don't think Dumbledore might be a concern? I mean, unless you're planning on pretending to go back to him, and-"

"No," I interrupted. "I'm done being led around by my nose. I can't even imagine what he'll think of what happened here today. I've got… Well, I don't know if it really qualifies as a plan, but it's the makings of one. I've got to talk to Hermione about it. Assuming that she's still talking to me." I sighed at that reminder.

"I'm sure she'll come around," Draco commiserated.

I blinked at the uncharacteristic show of support. "What makes you say that?" I asked warily, half expecting that the Slytherin was just setting me up for ridicule as he'd so often done in the past.

"Are you serious?" Draco asked incredulously. "After everything you idiots have gotten up to over the years, you really think she's going to desert you now?"

I considered that for a moment, then realized that Draco had just called me an idiot. Improbably, I grinned. "Did you just call your lord an idiot, Draco?"

The other man shifted a bit in mild unease. "Well, I thought I just called my friend an idiot," he reasoned.

I laughed in pleasure, and pushed myself up out of the chair. I felt the sudden need to move around, even if I didn't know what I wanted to do. I stopped at the window, looking out at a beautifully manicured courtyard. "Merlin, I wish they were as open-minded as you. Or maybe that they had a stronger sense of self-preservation," I added with a wry smirk. "Maybe I need more friends from Slytherin."

"Well, you'll have them if you want them," Draco commented as he too rose. He paced to the other side of the wide window and joined me in looking outside, though he didn't seem remotely interested in anything out there.

"You think so?" I wondered. "You don't think they'll just automatically side against me because I'm… Well, I'm Harry Potter, aren't I?"

Draco smirked and I realized that the smirk really did look good on him when he wasn't employing it to mock me. "Oh, I imagine they'll come around pretty quickly. Particularly if I speak for you. I mean, with how vocal I've always been with my hatred for you, they'll have to know that there's a reason for it."

I frowned at that. "Did you really hate me so much?"

Draco shrugged, casting a quick glance at me before looking away. "I had to hate you – given who you were. And the way you practically spat in my face when I offered you my friendship first year."

I sighed heavily and shook my head as I looked out the window again. "You know, it's all Hagrid's fault in a way. If he'd told me how to get through the barrier to platform 9 ¾, I may not have met Ron first thing. If Ron hadn't warned me against you, and if I hadn't seen the way that you treated him… Well, I probably would have accepted your friendship."

"Why did you back him so quickly?" Draco asked with a small sneer.

"He seemed nice enough," I shrugged. "I think it was really when you started bullying him, though. I got bullied a lot growing up. Kind of made me instantly hate you."

"You were bullied?" Draco blinked at him. "The Great Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, the Chosen One, was bullied?"

I scowled at him, but softened it when I saw Draco flinch. "My life wasn't perfect, Malfoy," I snapped. "I grew up with muggles who didn't know anything about the wizarding war, and wouldn't have cared even if they did know." I turned my sullen gaze back to the window, seeing my reflection rather than what lay beyond. "I was nothing but an annoyance and an embarrassment to them…" I said quietly, trailing off when I noticed my eyes in the reflection. They were almost glowing red!

I turned away quickly, closing my eyes.

I felt Draco's hand on my arm, but I didn't open my eyes. "I didn't know," he said quietly from right in front of me.

I reluctantly opened my eyes, searching the silver ones that watched me. I didn't see derision or even pity, but apology in those eyes.

This was a side of Draco that I'd never seen before. It was a side that was bringing to the surface a lot of things that I didn't let myself think about.

My eyes fell to Draco's lips.

A few drinks ago, I'd have realized what I was about to do and stopped myself. A few drinks ago, I may not have even seriously considered it in the first place.

But I did consider it.

And I didn't stop myself.

A small step forward was all that was needed to catch Draco's lips with mine. I captured the other man in a tight embrace as my tongue parted those impossibly sweet lips and plundered the mouth beyond. Beginning to harden immediately, I ground my hips into Draco and fisted his hair as I laid my claim on this boy that I'd never before allowed myself to want.

A quiet sound of distress from Draco thrust me back to reality more surely than any sobering potion, and I all but threw myself away. I turned immediately toward the window, unable to face him.

"Harry," a breathless whisper from behind me.

"Get out," I growled. I waited for the sound of footsteps making a rapid retreat, but it didn't come. "GET OUT!" I shouted hoarsely.

This time, I got the desired response.

When I heard the door close behind Draco, I let my forehead fall against the cool glass. Merlin, what had I done? Was I really so desperate for some sympathy? Kind eyes and an apology had completely stolen all semblance of my restraint. Well, the firewhiskey probably had something to do with it, too, but that was no excuse.

I put my back to the window and sank down onto the floor. I summoned the firewhiskey from the expensive table with a wandless accio and took several long pulls, trying to burn away the memory.

Despite our deal to be friends and anything amicable that had passed between us tonight, I knew that Draco was terrified of me yet, which was probably understandable considering what had happened earlier. If I started taking advantage of people like that just because they were too afraid to tell me not to, then I truly was no better than Voldemort. In some ways, I might be even worse.

And Draco. Of all people. The one person in the world that I had always fancied. Despite how desperately I'd denied it the last couple of years, that was now a lost cause. I'd never in my life felt better than I had for that moment that I'd allowed myself the delusion that that had been mutual. Continuing to deny it to myself had just become absurd.

Harry Potter, the Chosen One, the Boy-Who-Lived, the budding Dark Lord, was completely gay. And I'd just sexually assaulted the object of my desires.

I tipped the bottle back again, intent on finishing it this time.


[Edited: 19 Feb. 2014]