Hello! I meant to post this last week but I've been so busy! I apologize for the wait. The fifth chapter is ready and will be posted sometime in the next couple days.
I feel obligated to post a warning for more underage elements and self-harm. The self-harm is for training and will make sense but I wanted to warn everyone if that was an issue.
Sakura woke up the next morning and found Kakashi gone. He'd left a note that made her smile. She folded it carefully and put it in her pocket. She'd place it in her desk once she got home.
I'll be home soon. Please take care of Mr. Ukki. Don't go into my apartment if Genma is there. Good luck with your training.
-Kakashi
Her training with Tsunade consumed all her time and attention. She spent time with her friends when she could. Sometimes she noticed Ino or Tenten giving her odd looks when she moped about Sasuke, but she shrugged them off. Maybe it was stupid to like him after all this time, especially knowing that he wasn't her soulmate. They'd never really discussed each other's soulmarks after the night she finished painting Hinata's toes. The memory seemed fuzzy and a little unreal. She knew she was unhappy, and it had something to do with her soulmate. She must have been more tired than she thought that night. She did puzzle over what they could represent, or any clues the marks gave away. She was certain that Hinata's mark would match Naruto's. The marks of Ino, Tenten and Lee were a bit of a mystery though. She wondered if any of them matched Sasuke's mark? What would it mean for her if one of them did?
She sometimes thought of what Sasuke back in the village would look like. Would they go back on missions as Team 7? Would he continue to ignore her or act as her presence only annoyed him? Would he finally return the feelings she'd once professed to Ino so many years before? Sakura was careful not to inspect her own emotions too clearly. Her obsession with Sasuke shone bright in her memories, feelings of devotion coloring every memory she held of him. But sometimes the race of her heart, the catch of her breath felt false. Sometimes she remembered the way Sasuke used to look at her and treat her and her devotion felt hollow. When she slept at night in her childhood bedroom, looking at the pictures she'd pasted on the walls of the academy, she often wondered where she'd strayed.
She'd always known about her parents' life as genin, completing the same D-rank missions she'd been sent on herself. She knew that even if they were no longer considered shinobi, that they had retained that expected discipline, that dedication to the village and to the good of the people. It had shaped her earliest aspirations, to hear her father speak of training, to see her parent's faded and worn Hitai-ates. Eventually she'd focused on following her parents' path and surpassing them. To become a genin was not her goal, one day she would be a Jounin and she would serve the village as faithfully as the Hokage whose visages were carved in stone. Once Sasuke had entered her life that dream had been derailed. He'd become her goal, to prove herself to a boy that didn't know she existed.
She was fifteen years old, and sometimes she felt like she was thirty when she compared herself to the girl she'd been when entering the academy. She was still young, and she understood that her parents still saw her as the bright little girl that used to wear their Hitai-ates and played with their rubber kunai. As her training intensified, she realized that her parents could no longer understand her dream because they'd given up their own and shaped new ones for themselves. They worried and fussed, and her mother's eyes constantly watched her with a fearful concern. They had no access to her mission files, and she'd been instructed not to discuss many of missions she'd completed with Team 7, especially the missions where she'd come home bruised and worn down. Her secrecy had created a strained relationship with her parents. They could not understand that some things even they were not entitled to know, and it frustrated them.
The final straw came when Sakura's mother walked in on Sakura practicing medical ninjutsu on herself. Her control wasn't quite perfect, and she wasn't able to completely heal a larger wound, but she was getting much better. Tsunade had warned her about overextending herself and possible chakra exhaustion, but Sakura pushed herself too far many times before she became familiar with her limits. On this day, she'd been slicing open her palms with her kunai and healing the wounds with careful concentration. She was thrilled to see the improvement in her abilities and new scars and a few half-healed cuts adorned her arms before she realized that she'd drained too much of her chakra. The kunai had sat beside her open palm, Sakura dozing somewhere in the state between wakefulness and sleep when her mother had come into her room and cried out at the sight of her.
"It's okay," Sakura assured her with slurred words. "Jus chakra ex-exhaus-" she yawned, too tired to lift her hand to cover her mouth.
"Kizashi! KIZASHI!" her mother cried out for her husband, frantic as she knocked the kunai from Sakura's reach. "What have you done, Sakura? What have you done?"
"What is it, Mebuki?" her father called out, running into the room and stopping at the sight of his wife cradling Sakura against her chest.
"She hurt herself, Kizashi." She stroked Sakura's hair. "I don't understand. Is this because of that Sasuke she started talking about again?"
Slowly energy came back to Sakura as her chakra levels stabilized. Luckily it wasn't a true chakra exhaustion or she would have had to go to the hospital and face Tsunade's anger at her reckless behavior. She pulled away from her mom, glaring at the cuts she hadn't been able to fully heal. "Mom, it's fine. I'm fine. I was just practicing some medical ninjutsu and exceeded my limit a little." Sakura stood on shaky feet and went to her dresser, looking for something to wipe the blood from her arm and completely missing the stricken expression on her mother's face and her father's heavy scowl.
When Sakura turned around she took in her parents' expression with confusion. "What? What's wrong?"
"What the hell is Tsunade teaching you?" her father thundered, his face turning bright with rage.
"Dad!" Sakura stared at him with horror. "Shishou is the Hokage! You can't talk about her like that."
"I don't care if she gave birth to humanity!" her father seethed. "She's making you hurt yourself, Sakura. What kind of training is that?"
Sakura looked at her mother who was crying silently, at her father's clenched fists and finally, at the kunai she'd been using to cut her arm with. She swallowed hard with the realization of what her mother must have thought. She itched at her still-healing cuts and sighed. "I'm sorry," she started with. "I didn't realize what it looked like."
I'm sorry? her mother mouthed, still dismayed by what she'd unknowingly walked into.
"Shishou is teaching to use my exceptional chakra control for medical ninjutsu," Sakura stated proudly. "When Naruto and Sasuke come back I can heal them if they're seriously injured. Maybe Shishou will even let me go on dangerous missions with Kakashi-sensei when he returns!" She frowned as her parents' moods seemed to worsen at the news, her mother's closed fist pressing painfully into her mouth to stifle her sobs.
"Mom? Dad? What's wrong? Didn't you hear me? I'm getting better at ninjutsu and Hinata and Lee are still practicing taijutsu with me regularly. I could probably pass the chunin exams easily now." Sakura boasted, trying to cheer her parents up. "I'll be ready for S-class missions soon."
"S-class missions?" her mother repeated with a fearful look at her husband.
Sakura stared at her mother with growing concern and looked to her father for some clarification.
"Sakura," her father sighed and moved to hold his wife's hand. "We are very proud of you. We never imagined that you would become a student of the Hokage, no less." He squeezed his wife's hand in support as she nodded her head in agreement with her husband's words. "But you're our daughter." At Sakura's ignorant expression, he tried to explain. "When you have children, you'll understand. We love you more than anything in the world and it scares us both to see you injured. No matter how proud of you we are, we never want to see you suffering."
"I see," Sakura whispered. And she did. How could she be so oblivious to her parents' concern? She remembered half a dozen occasions where her recitation of Team 7's exploits had caused her parents to look at each other with apprehension. And she hadn't even told them of times where she or Naruto or Sasuke had almost died. She was torturing her parents without meaning to. They had just enough knowledge of shinobi life to understand that one day Sakura might not come home. "I'm sorry mom and dad. I didn't even think." She healed her remaining cuts and moved to hug her mother. "I'm always very careful," she promised. "And Kakashi-sensei protects me. Naruto too. They're always protecting me, and I want to be able to protect them in return. I can't promise that I won't be hurt," she announced heavily. "but I will always be careful."
Her mother clutched Sakura to her, wishing that Sakura was still young so she could protect her as a parent should. Wishing that she hadn't let her husband encourage Sakura's ambition to become a shinobi no matter how worthy it was.
"That's all we can ask." Her father said. "And please, practice your medical ninjutsu on someone else."
Sakura agreed and spent more time at Kakashi's apartment. She felt a little guilty for invading his space, but she also hoped that one day he would return while she was watering Mr. Ukki and see how well she'd taken care of his home. She'd cleaned it from top to bottom, careful not to disturb anything personal and never snooping, no matter how curious she was. Under her care, Mr. Ukki had grown too large for his current pot and she'd clipped some of his branches and successfully transplanted them to other pots, thus growing Mr. Ukki a little family. The experience with her parents had troubled her greatly and she no longer cut herself to practice healing. Instead, she requested that anyone from the other teams come to find her when they were injured, so she could practice. It grew out of hand right away and her parents were wary of wounded shinobi coming into their home at all hours of the night and day so Sakura could train. But she would not let them invade Kakashi's sanctuary and she couldn't hang around the training grounds all day in hopes of having a patient.
A few weeks after the incident with her parents, Sakura moved to her own apartment. With help from her parents and the small income she'd begun to earn from small D-class missions and helping Tsunade, she was barely able to afford a small one-room apartment close to Kakashi's. Her parents had resisted when she'd first proposed the idea, but after a long talk they acquiesced. She truly believed it was the best option, though it hurt to see her mother crying when she picked up the last of her belongings. Her apartment was much like Kakashi's, sparsely furnished with old worn furniture. She'd been saving her earnings from her academy days and bought what she could afford without emptying her savings. She couldn't wait until Naruto and Kakashi returned so she could show them her new home.
The first two months after Kakashi left passed very quickly and she rarely had a free second to worry about his absence. When the first half of the third month had passed, Sakura began to visit his apartment more often in hopes that he returned when she was there. By the fourth month she was often distracted by thoughts of why he was taking so long. When the fifth month passed, Sakura was actively asking Tsunade for weekly or daily updates on his condition. His mission was imperative Tsunade insisted and he couldn't make contact often or his cover would be blown. His last update had assured Tsunade of his safety, but it was taking longer than usual to get the information he needed, and he likely wouldn't be in touch until he handed her his mission report. That was sometime near the end of the fourth month and it was driving Sakura mad not to know what was happening.
"Sakura! You're driving me crazy!" Tsunade moaned, angrily throwing her bottle of sake at the wall in frustration. "Kakashi will come home when his mission is complete and not a second sooner!"
"But Shishou-"
"No!" Tsunade growled. "Enough about the brat! If anything were to go wrong, Pakkun will be the first to inform me that his blood contract with Kakashi was voided by his death."
"His death?" Sakura whimpered.
Tsunade's expression softened. "Sakura, he won't die. He's too lucky to die. I've never seen someone so determined to die and surviving through the worst situations despite himself."
Sakura bit her lip, not reassured by the backhanded observation. "Like the time with Rin?"
Tsunade tried to focus past her rising hangover and stared at Sakura in confusion. "Rin Nohara? That's a name I haven't heard in years. How do you know that name?" In truth, Tsunade didn't know Rin Nohara personally. But the Third had a special fondness for Kakashi, as he had for Naruto and he'd kept a file on him for the next Hokage. Tsunade had skimmed through it simply because Kakashi was the previous sensei of Sakura and she was curious about the man that had failed her so spectacularly. She'd read of his heartbreaking past and felt sympathetic but many of his generation's shinobi had lived through tragedy. Rin Nohara had been his teammate that he'd been forced to kill to prevent another attack of a tailed beast. Though it was noted that Rin had become unstable with the death of her soulmate, his other teammate Obito whose eye Rin had transplanted to replace Kakashi's own.
"Kakashi told me about his soulmate." Sakura said guiltily. "I wasn't supposed to tell anyone."
"His soulmate?" Tsunade tried to focus and remember the finer details of his report. Kakashi had been given annual physicals until he'd retired from Anbu. He'd never manifested a soulmark, from what she remembered, one of the many from his generation who hadn't. It pained Tsunade to remember her own soulmate, Dan and assumed as many had that those without soulmarks had lost them before puberty. Too many shinobi children had died in the pursuit of peace, including her own dear brother Nawaki. He was never given the opportunity to reach puberty, and yet he'd been considered old enough to fight and die for Konoha. "Kakashi Hatake has never manifested a soulmark," Tsunade announced, watching Sakura closely. "Rin Nohara was the soulmate of his teammate Obito Uchiha."
Sakura frowned. "That can't be true," she insisted. "He told me she was his soulmate." She remembered the expression on his face when he'd told her. When she focused on the memory, a sharp pain formed in her head.
"She loved me."
"And did you love her?"
"I could have. I wish I had."
"Or did he?" Sakura wondered aloud with confusion, clutching her aching head.
Tsunade watched Sakura with growing concern as her face drained of color and her eyes glazed over, fingers pressed into her temples. "Sakura, what's happening?"
Sakura shook her head. "I don't know. I don't feel well."
Tsunade got up and went to Sakura, gently pushing her hands aside and placing her own on Sakura's head to investigate if she had an injury. She aimed healing chakra at Sakura's temples and heard Sakura sigh in relief. A closer investigation revealed nothing wrong with Sakura, though her sudden confusion and pain made Tsunade highly suspicious.
"What were you saying about Kakashi?" Tsunade commanded gently.
Sakura shook her head, still a little dazed and confused. "When is Kakashi coming home? I miss him." She yawned, suddenly tired and ready for a nap.
Tsunade stared sharply at Sakura with the drop of the honorific and Sakura's pleading tone. "He'll be home soon, Sakura. How does that make you feel?" she persuaded carefully, a little guilty to take advantage of Sakura's mental incapacitation.
"Happy," Sakura murmured dreamily. "He makes me happy."
"Why, Kakashi?" Why didn't he want his own soulmate who was right in front of his eyes?
Sakura frowned. "No, he doesn't want me." She started to tremble as her memories warred with each other. He rejected her. Why did matter? Why did it matter if he did reject her? She wasn't his soulmate.
"I'll make it better, Sakura. I promise." He slipped his gloves off, cupping her face once again and forcing her eyes to his.
And it was made clear to Sakura what had happened, the spinning tomoes vibrant in her mind as Tsunade's chakra mitigated the pain in her head and cleared her mind. He was her soulmate and he'd made her forget. He'd deceived her. She shook her head to clear her thoughts, wrapping her arms around herself and clutching her stomach.
"Sakura," Tsunade's voice was dangerous, a vein throbbing in her forehead. "Explain."
Sakura laughed weakly, mind racing on what to tell her. She'd been stupid to speak her thoughts aloud. And she was beyond angry at Kakashi, but she didn't want to see him in jail. What she suspected he'd done was very illegal and Tsunade would be enraged on her behalf. "You caught me." Sakura said placating. "I've had a crush on Kakashi for a long time. Not long before he left he rejected me." She flinched in remembrance of the pain his words had caused. That part wasn't really a lie. He had rejected her.
"Is that so?" Tsunade said disbelieving.
"He made me see that I should like someone my own age."
"Like Sasuke?" Tsunade's eyebrow climbed up.
"Like Sasuke," Sakura agreed sheepishly. "It was a silly crush." She asserted more firmly. "When he left we were on good terms. Obviously, he lied to me about Rin. He was trying to save my feelings."
"And why have neither of you mentioned this before?" Tsunade demanded.
"Because it was resolved! And embarrassing!" Sakura protested. "I didn't want the team to be broken up over something so insignificant." Her face fell as she tried to explain. She couldn't help the distress she felt, even if she was trying to save Kakashi's skin. "Maybe I'm not over it," Sakura admitted. "But he's still my friend, and I have every right to be worried about him!"
"Relax Sakura," Tsunade sighed. What to do, what to do. Clearly Sakura was hiding something to protect Kakashi, but what? She had no doubt about the man's character despite his obsession with Jiraiya's perverted book series. He'd proven to be a loyal shinobi to Konoha, and Naruto and Sakura both thought the world of him. "The brat isn't in trouble."
Sakura sighed and visibly relaxed. "Thank you, Shishou. Kakashi-sensei is a good man."
Tsunade nodded and dismissed Sakura, who scampered out of the office as if her ass was on fire. As soon as she was gone, Tsunade dug through the files in her desk until she found Kakashi's. She browsed through his medical file again, noting with interest that the last annual physical he'd received was when he was 21. Sakura would have only been 7 or 8 years old at the time and too young to have reached puberty. Why would he feel the need to lie to Sakura about having a soulmate? Interesting indeed.
XX
Kakashi returned home in the middle of the night. He was sore and had multiple cuts and bruises covering his body, but otherwise it was exhaustion that slowed his steps. He'd run for the better part of the day, eager to return home to a hot shower and bed. Tomorrow, he would stop by to see Tsunade and give her a verbal report on his mission. If he was lucky, Sakura would be at the Hokage tower, helping Tsunade or Shizune and he would run into her. Six months without seeing her was harder than he imagined, and he'd dreamed of her constantly. Sakura had turned 15 in his absence and he was grateful for the passage of time. 16 years old was the age of consent for a shinobi, and sadly it was because of the type of missions that you would be expected to undertake. Hinata would be exempt, being the heiress of the Hyuga clan, but Tenten, Sakura and even Ino would be expected to participate in seduction missions soon. Nothing they weren't willing to do, but things that Kurenai had once admitted felt degrading. Even Kakashi had completed his fair share of seduction missions, and he hated every single one of them.
He had no desire to take advantage of Sakura, and whatever the laws of Konoha stated, he wouldn't approach her about their soulmarks until she was 18. He would be 31 on her 18th birthday and turn 32 before her 19th and while the thought made him loathe himself, even his control had a limit. He knew of people who'd rejected their soulmark even when faced with the people that shared it. Whether it was because they were already in a committed relationship, or because they found their soulmate unsuitable, it wasn't unheard of. Yet Kakashi couldn't imagine rejecting an adult Sakura and walking away from the bond that was already pulling at him. She was his, and he was hers in a way that was essential and unexplainable. If she chose someone else, Sasuke or another nameless man, then he would have no choice in the matter. It disturbed him to realize that before he walked away, he would lay himself at her feet and beg her to accept him. He was truly pitiful.
When he entered his apartment, he felt her presence immediately and his heart quickened. She wasn't on his couch. He moved closer to his bedroom, listening carefully for movement. He could pick up her heartbeat, slow and steady. Her breaths were deep and even, his bedsheets rustling with her small movements as she shifted on his bed. She was sleeping. Sakura was sleeping in his bed. His pants tightened immediately at the thought and he turned away before he entered his bedroom and was faced with a sleeping Sakura in his bed. He went to the bathroom instead and turned on the tap, splashing his face with cold water. He stared at himself, noting absently that his mask was sliced, his right cheek bleeding sluggishly. Kakashi couldn't face Sakura in his condition, hard and aching, wounded and disheveled. He stripped carefully, hissing as fabric peeled away from dried blood and reopened a few wounds.
He turned the water on, tempted to take a cold shower, but his body ached and a chill had set deep in his bones after hours of endless running. He groaned at the feel of the water, appreciating the heat that permeated his body. He scrubbed his skin until it was raw, lathering soap in his hair and rinsing it out with a happy sigh as the grit and dirt was washed down the drain. He'd avoided thinking about anything but washing his body, but he was still hard and aroused. He sighed in defeat, gripping himself and stroking. He deliberately imagined a faceless woman lying in his bed, her hair forming a halo around her head, mouth parted with shaky breaths. He squeezed, moaning lowly as he imagined her wearing nothing, arms stretched above her head as he pressed kisses to her soft stomach, to her firm thighs. He shuddered as he came to the thought of how she would sound when he finally touched her.
He finished his shower quickly, ensuring every trace of his guilt was washed down the drain with the blood and dirt that had coated his skin. His freshest wounds had reopened, stinging slightly as he dried off. He stared with dismay at the clothes on the ground. He couldn't stand putting them back on, hard and crusted, and fragrant as they were with dried blood and sweat and caked on dirt. He wrapped the towel around his waist and opened the door very quietly. He listened carefully and was relieved to hear that Sakura was still asleep, soft snores erupting from her mouth. He crept into his room as silent as his could, opening his drawers and grabbing the first set of clothes that he could and escaping back to the bathroom. He dressed quickly, sliding his mask over his face just as Sakura knocked on the bathroom door.
Kakashi scooped up his dirty clothes and opened the door to reveal a sleepy Sakura, hair sticking up all over the place, wearing a full set of pajamas covered with hearts. On her feet were a pair of fluffy blue slippers with ears. He stared at them, uncertain if the ears were supposed to belong to a rabbit or dog. It was a stark reminder of how very young she still was. He could tell she was still mostly asleep as she murmured a greeting and moved past him into the bathroom, waiting for him to step out before she closed the door. He went to his room and threw his clothes into his laundry basket. He would probably end up throwing them out, but it was as good a place as any to store them. He waited patiently as the tap turned on and off and Sakura padded back into his room. She leaned into his touch as he stroked her hair in passing but barely paused on her way back to bed. She grumbled in annoyance at the light and slipped back under his covers without a thought.
"It's time to get up," Kakashi told Sakura with amusement.
"It's the middle of the night, Kakashi. It's your turn to stand watch." She mumbled sleepily.
Kakashi waited for her to realize what she'd just said and laughed as she suddenly jumped out of the bed. His laugh was cut off as she launched herself at him and hugged him. "You're back!"
"Careful Sakura," he chided as his various cuts and bruises protested her enthusiasm.
"And you're hurt!" she admonished, pulling at shirt to try and survey the damage.
"Maa Sakura, it's okay. It's only minor cuts and bruises. They'll heal in a few days."
Sakura grinned at him. "Why wait a few days?" She pushed him towards the bed, forcing him to sit as she inspected his arms first. He'd grabbed a sleeveless undershirt, though his trademark mask was attached to it, as it was to all his undershirts.
His eyes widened as her hands illuminated with green chakra. Tsunade had taught her medical ninjutsu in six months? He watched impressed as Sakura attended to the bruises and cuts on his arms, sighing in contentment as her chakra hummed in his system. The feeling of her chakra was soothing, and he was still so tired and relaxed after his shower and subsequent activities. He almost didn't register when her fingers once again tugged at his shirt, trying to pull it from his pants where he'd tucked it in securely, a habit he'd formed since his mark had appeared at 21. He tensed, grabbing Sakura's hands to still them. "I'm fine Sakura." he said firmly.
At her wounded expression, he lifted her hands to his lips and kissed one of her palms softly through his mask. "Thank you." He murmured against her palm as Sakura's face flooded with color, her breaths short and choppy. He stood up, towering over Sakura and pulled her into another hug. Her arms wrapped tentatively around him, her face pressing into his chest.
"I missed you Kakashi," Sakura admitted softly.
He squeezed her in response, reluctantly pulling away from her so he didn't do something more idiotic than he already had. "What are you doing here so late?" he questioned, eyes creasing in a smile so she knew he wasn't upset.
Sakura's eyes flickered away, her fists clenching. "I came to water Mr. Ukki and his family."
Kakashi tilted his head in query. That didn't really answer why she was sleeping in his bed. His eyes moved to the window sill where Mr. Ukki and three more plants now resided. "His family?"
Sakura bounded to the window sill and pointed them out. "I haven't named them. I left that for you."
"How did they get there?" Kakashi wondered, scratching his head.
"Mr. Ukki was getting too big for his pot," Sakura beamed proudly, "so I trimmed him and planted his branches."
"Ahh, thank you Sakura."
"You're welcome!" Sakura shifted as Kakashi stared at her.
He was imagining what it would be like to come home to Sakura like this. Sleepy and mussed, greeting him affectionately and so very happy to see him. It was nice for someone to miss him and it would be easy to grow comfortable with someone waiting for him. "Maybe you should go home now Sakura. It's late."
Sakura nodded. "You're right. It's late, I should go home," she repeated dutifully. She opened his window, swinging a leg out before Kakashi grabbed her hand.
"You can't go home in just that," he admonished.
"But I live in the next building." Sakura told him.
"What?" Kakashi let go of her hand and stared at the apartment next door with accusation. "When did that happen?"
"A couple months ago," Sakura shrugged. "I love my parents, but my training was putting an unnecessary strain on them. Moving out was the best option."
"I see." Kakashi said with a frown. He didn't, not really. He'd been orphaned so long ago and living alone for just as long. He wasn't accustomed to being accountable to anyone.
"I'll see you tomorrow?" Sakura questioned.
Kakashi nodded. She would see him every day if he had his way. "Please stop by whenever you are able." He requested.
Sakura matched his serious tone. "We need to talk, then?"
"Yes," Kakashi agreed. It was time to discuss their marks. Their behavior tonight had felt natural, even if it should have been awkward and stilted. His skin tingled from her chakra, and the softness of her touch as she'd healed him. His own behavior he understood. He needed to be close after so much time apart. He needed the reassurance that she was here, solid under his hands. It was an itch that he'd ignored until the sight of her reminded him. Sakura's reciprocating affection was unexplained. Had she remembered what he did? Was she simply reacting without thought because she was tired? The memories he'd planted did not change that they were soulmates and Kurenai and Asuma had explained it as being each other's touchstones. When either of them returned from a longer mission, the need for connection and touch was crucial and undeniable. Asuma often joked that they couldn't keep their hands off each other, much to the irritation of Kurenai but she'd never denied the claims.
Sakura disappeared out the window with a small wave, and he watched as she scaled the next roof before disappearing on the other side. He smiled affectionately at the sight of her slippers' ears flapping in the wind as she ran.
XX
Sakura woke up the next morning more relaxed than she'd been in months despite her interrupted sleep. She smiled in remembrance at Kakashi's easy affection but frowned as she considered the discussion they would have sometime today. Her memories were still jumbled, her obsession with Sasuke still coloring so many of her childhood ones, warring with her discovered feelings for Kakashi. Did she love him? She couldn't tell if what she felt was love. She'd thought she loved Sasuke, and he'd surely dominated her thoughts for a few years as she fantasized that they would grow up and get married and have children. She could admit that she still found the memory of him attractive. She still missed him and wanted him to return to Konoha and Team 7. Did that equal love?
She turned her thoughts to Kakashi, her perverted sensei who'd never really seemed to care about her. Kakashi, who'd planted false memories of an affectionate camaraderie between them where none had existed. Did he regret the way he'd treated her? Had he wished he'd treated her the same as the boys? Or was he simply trying to hide 2 years of neglectful behavior? It was hard to piece together, the man he'd tried to portray himself as, and the man that he'd been. Distant and careful, but so very observant. She tried to see it from his view, discovering a soulmate that was over a decade younger and a child, where he'd probably gone years with the assumption that he had none. How hard had that been to adjust to? How would she have reacted? She considered what he'd told her about his past, and his father in particular. He'd never explicitly explained how his father had died, but asking Shizune had revealed the story of Konoha's White Fang and his eventual suicide. Everyone he'd grown attached to had died, his parents, his teammates, his sensei but his father had left him willingly, killing himself for what? Tears leaked from her eyes when she considered her parents dying, when she thought of watching Sasuke die and being forced to kill Naruto. Grief threatened to overwhelm her as she imagined Kakashi's slumped form, eyes glassy and empty of life. The people she loved and held most dear were alive and well, but what kind of person would she become if they weren't? Would she turn into Sasuke, bitter and set on vengeance? Or become Kakashi, aloof and never really letting anyone in, even his soulmate?
What he did to her, she wasn't sure she could forgive. Whatever he'd wished, the truth was what it was and placing a genjutsu on her would never change it. She could understand that he had no idea how to treat her but he'd hurt her far more than he needed to, and he'd done it to spare himself. That didn't stop her from missing him. It had turned into a sharp ache in his absence, and only sleeping in his bed, surrounded by reminders of him had seemed to ease it. Hopefully with his return, she would finally be able to sleep peacefully again.
She arrived at Kakashi's apartment early but found him already gone. It didn't overly concern her. Tsunade needed to know he'd returned and maybe he would go to the hospital to have his injuries looked at, no matter how minor they were. He hadn't left her a note, but she spent the morning tidying up his already clean apartment. Then she pulled one of his books about genjutsu from the bookshelf and sat on his bed to read. It was her day off and no one was expecting her to show up at the hospital or Hokage tower so she wasn't concerned with anyone coming to look for her. So she read up what she could about the lingering effects of genjutsu, especially mind-altering ones. It was better to be informed about any potential side effects now that the genjutsu he'd placed on her was dispelled.
XX
Tsunade had been pleased with his report, but Kakashi had the impression that she was angry with him, even as she praised his actions. It was if she wanted to say something more to him but held herself back in the presence of Shizune. He was eager to leave, waving off her suggestion of visiting the hospital.
Tsunade's voice stopped him before he could finally leave. "Oh, and Kakashi?"
"Yes, Hokage-sama?" he inquired respectfully.
"Your medical files are out of date. I expect you to get your annual physical this year, no matter what. Am I being clear?"
Kakashi swallowed hard at the threat inherent in her posture and nodded. "Of course, Hokage-sama."
"Good, now beat it."
He sighed heavily as he approached his apartment. An annual physical was out of the question. Sakura's mark was surely on record, wherever her mark happened to be and if his was discovered, the consequences of his inaction would be severe. He could argue that he hadn't realized, but he had a feeling that Tsunade was already keeping a close eye on him and Sakura. She was her student after all and seemed to cherish her. He didn't blame Tsunade for looking out for Sakura as he should have all these years.
He could sense Sakura's presence as he approached, but it was more than that as his senses reacted to her. He could catch her scent on the wind, too indistinct for anyone but a Hatake or perhaps a Inuzuka. She'd showered this morning, the familiar scent of Pakkun's Floral Green shampoo making him smile. He could hear her fingers sliding across the pages of one his books and he imagined what she looked like, curled in his blankets, pink head bent over one of his books. He entered through the window abruptly, taking in her startled expression before he pulled her to her feet. He needed to touch and taste her to satisfy his senses. His arms wrapped around her, mask pushed down as his mouth pressed chastely to her forehead. It would have to be enough as she trembled in his grasp and he remembered himself. He pulled his mask up in shame, watching as her eyes blinked open.
"Kakashi? What was that?"
He shrugged, falling into his familiar slouch, hands buried deep in his pockets so he would not touch her. "It was a long mission. I'm sorry Sakura."
Sakura nodded as if that was explanation enough. It wasn't. He was being inappropriate, but it was too easy to fall into the same pattern as last night. To acquiesce to his need to reach for her and have that need reciprocated. But he could see from her expression that she'd come to a decision and he probably wouldn't like it.
"We should talk," Sakura said quietly and he flinched at the resolve in her eyes. "I don't know what this is," she gestured between them in frustration. "But it can't continue for obvious reasons."
"Yes," Kakashi agreed because what else could he say? He pulled up the memory of her in heart-covered pajamas and wearing her silly slippers and a dozen other memories of Sakura's more childish moments to remind himself that this was necessary, that she was right.
"I think I know why you used your Sharingan on me," Sakura speculated, "but I need to hear it from you."
"So you remember."
"Yes," Sakura scowled, "And no. I don't know what's real and what isn't anymore. Do you understand how frightening that is?"
"No," Kakashi said truthfully. He hated himself for the turmoil on her face and he only wanted to make it better. "I should never have altered your memories. It was wrong, but I can get rid of the residual memories for you so you know what was real."
"And you expect me to trust you?" Sakura asked incredulously.
"You don't have a reason to," Kakashi admitted. "But I never meant to hurt you," At Sakura's disbelieving snort, he insisted. "I wanted you to be happy Sakura. And I haven't made you happy since the moment I met you. I was a terrible sensei, and I deserve your anger and mistrust. But you looked at me and you were hurting," his voice cracked as he remembered the expression on her face. Why Kakashi? "And I knew that whatever happened, I never wanted to see you cry over me again."
"So you made yourself into the model sensei? You made yourself look good to make up for your own guilt?" Sakura demanded, fists clenched in anger at his revelation.
"I never meant to," Kakashi asserted. "It was an unintended benefit." A soulmate is the person that loves you most. The words his mother had spoken to him rang in his ears and no matter how he'd tried to deny it to himself, he'd never loved anyone more than Sakura, who was watching him with an expression twisted in anger. He'd failed her in so many ways, but altering her memories was probably the worst thing he could have done.
Minato had often told him about his parents, even when Kakashi made a point to voice his anger at his father. Maybe it was simply stories, maybe most of them were fabricated but Minato had no reason to lie to him about them. They'd never had a reason to distrust each other and whatever mistakes Sakumo had made with his son, Minato assured him that his mother had died a happy woman, adored by her husband until the end. Kakashi couldn't even accomplish that much.
"Sakura, I'm not asking you to forgive me. There is no explanation that will make this better or change what I did. What you felt, what you experienced, was entirely my fault." He sighed heavily. "I don't know how to make it better. I don't know how to make you happy," he admitted. "That's why I never wanted a soulmate. I'm not Asuma or my father."
"I don't want you to be anyone but you," Sakura cried. "I just wanted honesty! You don't think I realize that we can't have a relationship? That what we're feeling is wrong?"
"No," Kakashi said firmly. "It isn't wrong. It's just not the right time."
Sakura's shoulders slumped. "Will there ever be a right time, Kakashi?"
Kakashi tilted Sakura's chin up so she would look him in the eye. "One day Sakura, absolutely nothing will keep me from you. But one word from you, and I'll step back. You deserve normalcy and happiness and I will do everything I can to ensure that you get it."
"You deserve that too Kakashi," Sakura insisted. "But I need time. Everything I feel for you is too intense and it scares me."
Kakashi stared into her green eyes and smiled in reassurance. "It's okay Sakura. I've waited this long." He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Focus on you, on what you need and want. Don't worry about me right now."
"Why does it feel like you're saying goodbye?" Sakura clutched his vest in fear.
"I'm not," Kakashi insisted. "I'm just saying wait. Wait until you're older."
"I can do that." Sakura whispered.
"Good," Kakashi murmured. He pulled her close again, possibly for the last time. He had no intention of saying goodbye, no intention of moving on but he understood that Sakura was still growing. She hadn't fully matured and in a few years what she wanted now, what she was feeling now might only be a painful memory. He needed to give her room to discover what she wanted. He breathed her in, memorizing her scent, and her feel and fixing the moment into his memory. It was an important one. They hadn't said the words. They hadn't made any declarations or shown each other the marks that bound them together, but it was a beginning and an end and it felt important.
XX
Eventually Naruto returned and the first thing he did was bang on her door. She didn't know how he got her address, but it didn't matter. Sakura greeted him with an exuberant hug, tears of joy streaming down her cheeks. He pushed her way and eagerly began to strip off his pants. Sakura could only watch with mounting horror at his bright orange boxers.
"Naruto, you idiot! What are you-?"
"Look!" Naruto exclaimed eagerly. "I have my mark!" He proudly pointed to the mark just above his knee, a sun that matched the one that Hinata had shown her months before. "What's yours?" he asked eagerly.
She sighed, reading the hope in his eyes and shaking her head sadly. "Mine isn't a sun Naruto."
"Oh," Naruto's face fell, disappointed by the news. "I should have known. I wonder what Sasuke's is?"
"Well there's no way my mark matches his!" Sakura announced hotly.
Naruto brightened at her declaration and immediately started telling her about his time away.
"Naruto, you idiot," Sakura interrupted with a pointed glare at the pants that were still around his ankles.
"Oh, Sorry Sakura!" Naruto grinned sheepishly as he pulled his pants up.
Sakura rolled her eyes at his antics, immeasurably pleased to have him back. She didn't immediately announce who his soulmate was. It felt cruel to keep it from him, but Sakura didn't want Naruto to overwhelm Hinata on his return. The poor girl might have a heart attack and die if he were to drop his pants in front of her.
She and Kakashi weren't actively avoiding each other. It was more an unspoken agreement to give each other space after the heavy revelations on both of their sides. When Naruto invited her to Ichiraku with Kakashi, she politely declined.
"But he's paying!" Naruto whined. "Kakashi-sensei never pays! And maybe we can finally see his face!"
Sakura closed her eyes, remembering the touch of Kakashi's lips against her forehead. She had her chance, but she'd been too afraid. "That's okay Naruto. I promised Hinata I would have lunch with her, just the two of us," she said pointedly as Naruto opened his mouth to invite her along.
Naruto gave her another hug and she marveled at how tall he'd gotten. Puberty sure was treating him right. His voice wasn't much deeper but he'd grown so much in two years. His shoulders were broader, and his jawline had become more defined, his cheeks losing the baby fat but not the whiskers that marked his face. "Hey, Sakura?"
"Yes, Naruto?"
"Maybe you should invite Hinata to lunch next time? I haven't seen her yet. It would be nice to catch up!" Naruto scratched his head nervously. "If she wants to that is."
"Of course she does, Naruto! She missed you too!"
"Really?" Naruto's smile looked wide enough to break his face. "That's great!"
Sakura rolled her eyes at how oblivious he still was. She was going to have to lock these two in a closet if she wanted anything to happen. "Go, Naruto! You don't want Kakashi-sensei to wait for too long."
Naruto ran off with a wave over his shoulder. Sakura stared after him with joyful tears in her eyes. She couldn't believe he was home. It felt like she had her brother back and she knew that Kakashi would be just as happy.
And there it is! This one might have seemed long but the next one is even longer! Thank you for sticking around.
