I should of warned that it wasn't gonna be all butterflies and fluff if you saw the hurt/comfort part. Helga's past can be re-tweaked in so many different directions it isn't funny. She did tell Arnold that she is writing an article that hits close to home so here it is in this one chapter. I'm grateful for the reviews I've been getting for this story so far and you have given me a smile as wide as Arnold's big grin almost. Once again I needed a friends help in the bold section. She was never a bully, she just had been bullied to the point of almost offing herself. Suicide hits close to her and she does help others in this situation. So this is where the T rating does come into play. This does help in Helga's growth I think.
There was buzzing in the hallways. Arnold spotted how Helga was notably absent in the upcoming days. Phoebe hinted at something, but it was drowned out by more students talking. Blinking and understandably curious he pulled out his phone during lunch period to check anything new from Helga, but one of the sites kept crashing on him. When he wanted to ask Phoebe again she was no where in sight making him curious, but wanting to ask only a very reliable source that would never embellish any type of details. He even tried Helga's phone at night, but reached her voicemail. The answer would come in the morning when the teacher did almost a Mr Simmons in front of the Literature class. Saying how a special student wrote this article and the only reason why she wasn't there is because of the buzz it generated.
Short stories are what I normally write about. I will mix fiction with non-fiction in order to never truly be preaching to anyone out there. Why should I when I'm not your mother nor your father? We all have been born with brains in our heads and hopefully common sense that goes along with it. So when I think of those stories after careful research on the subject matter at hand, I outline it, and type it up. Everything gets edited before final submittal and before it gets published it gets edited again. It is a process we all in a way have to deal with. We seem to be able to pick and choose our friends, but the life we are born into can end up being this huge wake up call. While some seem fine with it. Others are not.
For myself, I didn't choose my life I was just placed on this Earth and figured out very fast that I really had to struggle to the point of being noticed. I was unwanted to the point of knowing they wanted a boy, but ended up with me. I was almost given up on, but they decided to keep me instead. Though in truth I wished they did just gave up on me so I can be adopted by a family that wanted a baby girl. Someone who would remember my name correctly and care when I was home. Pack my lunch instead of forget when I was younger. Walk me to school. All the things normal children got.
While my relationship with my family is much better now and for this I'm entirely grateful about before it obviously wasn't. Don't worry about me not putting my family aside before submitting this because I did do this. I thanked them for putting up with me. Thanked them for a lot of things. Apologize if I wasn't truly understanding in the past. They were incredibly great and supportive hoping this could help others. To me this is the hugest stamp of approval so if this doesn't get published, and no one likes this article than at least I have their support in something that is an important issue. In this case two important issues.
Arnold and the class listened as the article discussed why she bullied first off. Talked about the overwhelming guilt of it. She spoke of things she would do behind other people's backs in order to make them feel good. Good deeds as it were. When she spoke of helping someone out and overheard they didn't get one item off the person's shopping list in order to find someone, she sacrificed her snow boots to grant a Christmas present to someone far more deserving. This floored Arnold. He knew she was capable of good things, but he didn't know why. She said she is confessing now since she was found out by someone's slip of the tongue and secrets don't stay hidden forever.
Suicide? Why do people end up doing this? People have their own personal reasons why and that included myself. Yes, even I contemplated it to the point I was almost very successful at it. I had been feeling depressed for an incredibly long time to the point that I don't know why I bothered to get up in the morning. I had a family that didn't notice me and I wouldn't blame the kids in school for not caring even though I stopped what I was doing in 4th grade. Once you gain that reputation it is hard to shake it off.
I didn't love myself at all. Sure I can say I was this amazing person, but in truth I wouldn't of cared if I was killed the next day, but I did continue to traverse this land day by day still in some determined way because I had a best friend that believed in me and someone else with this unwavering bright sunny way about themselves.
But we get older and some things start drifting away. While my friend stuck with me, I can see she was having a hard time with my increasing mood. Why she never left me, I would never know until later. The other drifted away though. I couldn't blame that person. Family life became unbearable so one day I did the unthinkable instead of talk to someone about my pain. I tried to kill myself in the, "Oopsie I thought I took I only two pills instead of the whole thing."
My parents found my body at the bottom of the stairs barely breathing. When the ambulance came I didn't have a pulse. I died.
When you are revived, I was still out of it, and they put me in to transport me with my parents following behind. My parents should of warned them that I'm stubborn to a point because they had to revive me again.
So many were covering their mouths in the room, including himself listening to this. She really tried to kill herself. Taking a chance he looked to see how Phoebe was, and noting how her head was down visibly shaking he got up quietly to sit in Helga's empty desk to put his hand on her shoulder for comfort.
Being a bully hurts people and committing or thinking of committing suicide does as well. I know these two lessons very well. I decided sometime after I woke up and after seeing the pain in my family and my best friends eyes, that it was time to do something far better. I already stopped being a bully so I decided to go back to talk to Dr Christine Bliss a Psychiatrist I met when I was 9. I ended up deciding to think of myself. To allow myself to love me for once. Speak out more instead of let it stay bottled in. I have spoken in a group to others who also contemplated suicide. Now here I am writing about my own experience.
Please I beg you or anyone else you know out there that is thinking of this route to take, please speak to them. Show them that you care. Tell them you are always there to listen and if you are nervous talk to a counselor or a Psychiatrist. I'm happy that I'm still around because I'm curious on how my life will end up to be. I have a lot of plans that I want to accomplish. Plans I want to see through. Friends whom I want to see with families of their own.
Putting the article down the teacher just closed his eyes and let out a deep breath out. So many were in deep thought, including Arnold as he continued to comfort Phoebe. He wished he knew this happened to Helga, but he didn't. Some friend he was.
Going to the park later on she wasn't around and she still wasn't answering the phone so he ended up at her house hoping she would be there. Arriving at her home he noticed it looked brighter than before as he went up the stoop to knock on the door. When no one came to the door, he tried the doorbell hoping that would at least wake Miriam from her stooper, but still nothing. After a while, Arnold started to turn when the door opened up revealing Helga with wet hair.
"Arnold? Why are you here?" Scanning the area around him she let him come in and locked the door behind her. "I was upstairs taking a bath when I heard the door."
Examining her in her pink robe, Arnold smirked. "So you do own some pink."
"Har har. Be right back so make yourself comfortable."
Watching her run up the stairs he wondered how he can be comfortable in this place when he felt that any moment that her dad will barge in demanding why he was there. The place didn't smell of alcohol at least like he remembered from his last visit here. It seemed brighter actually. As he looked around Arnold heard her coming downstairs wearing shorts and a blue tank top.
"So again, why are you here?" Helga asked crossing her arms across her chest.
"Haven't seen you around and you aren't answering your phone calls." He paused. "I heard your article read in 1st period." Her face was impassive instead of embarrassed or any other emotion. "I thought it was emotional and powerful. Helga, why didn't I know about that? You could of shared that with me."
Helga had no use to be angry at this question when she might of felt a bit of arrogance behind it long ago, but this was Arnold. "You were wrapped up in your own world, Arnold and the one that was trying to keep me tethered down was Phoebe. I still feel guilt in what happened. I still see the pain marked in her eyes and my families as well. I'm happy she is still with me and I'm happy my family is so much more supportive of me."
"I still wish you shared."
"No I couldn't." Stepping forward she reached up to place her hand on his shoulder. "As I said you were in your own world and in a sense I was in my own. I was so far deep in pain that it was getting hard to breath. I even tried to speak to Phoebe about it, but I was strangled. Words died in my throat. I know you feel depression at times, Arnold, but have you reached that point ever?"
Arnold shook his head still with so many thoughts swirling in his head.
"You've handled so much for someone so young that I'm surprised you don't have grey hairs on top of that skull of yours." Helga smirked at that. "You are incredibly special, Arnold. I've known that for a long time since I was 3."
Arnold didn't feel special though. He let a friend slip through. What if they didn't wake her after the second time? "Helga, you've been an angel all along." Helga laughed easily at that as she turned to head to the kitchen. "I'm serious. Can't you for once get that?"
"Arnold I don't care about all of that. I just do what I do in hopes of doing some good. I may not do a lot, but something is better than nothing."
Hearing her clattering in the kitchen, Arnold walked in to see her bent over in the fridge looking for something temporarily stopping him from speaking. Was she trying to kill him? "What are you doing?"
"Finding something to eat since I'm hungry and I have no school today. Also no parents since they wanted to take a little vacation." Turning her head to look at him without straightening up, she added, "They left this morning and yes they saw my article before hand."
"What did they think?" He kept begging she would stop bending over.
"Silent at first. Mom and Olga wept. Dad pretended he had something in his eye, but liked it. I have their support." Straightening up finally she groaned. "Fuck this. I'm ordering a pizza before I end up doing a mountain of homework."
"I guess I'll leave you be then. I really enjoyed that article along with all the other short stories."
Helga almost invited him to stay, but decided against it for the time being. "I'll be back in school on monday. Anyhow, thanks for the compliment. Have a good night."
"Night, Helga." Giving her a final once over he let himself out. Helga was definitely a changed woman. Was he a changed person?
