Chapter 4: Secrets
*Kick!*
Bowser kicked Master Hand demanding, "What are ya lookin' at, fool??"
"Na-ting."
Well who's there?
"Nobodys."
"W-what do you mean?"
"Nobodys. No Body. Crazy Hand's body. It ish gone!"
"WHAT?"
"Oh my. Maybe he wasn't dead?"
"He was, I was-a sure, Peach."
"Gaaaaah~ We should made sure!"
"Do that, how?"
"Should've cut one of his fingers off."
"Roy! Don't be, like, so cruel!"
"Oooh, ahh?" ("Where is he??")
"Chuuuuu-we gotta effin find him!"
Mr. Game & Watch fell in the middle of the doorway. Tiny creeping footsteps were taken around him as one by one Smashers filled the lounge. They searched under tables, under sofas, behind curtains without the slightest hint on where Crazy Hand could have gone.
Falco jumped up suddenly excited, "Hey-Hey, guys, maybe he's a zombie! This is the night of the living DEAD. *Graaaaawglaaaaar*-"
*SMACK!*
"Dammit Falco!" Fox bellowed at Falco, who was know knocked unconscious on the floor.
Olimar tugged on Mario's pant leg, a scold on his face, "You said he was DEAD."
"He was-a dead…I thought-a he was."
"Dude, what difference does it make?"
"Apparently a big difference to Crazy Hand." Roy emotionlessly plopped on the couch.
"Da, cooooooooooook."
Samus picked up Kirby and sat him in her lap. She petted his bald little head. "What do you mean Kirby?"
"Crazy Hand. Da cooooook." He made a stabbing motion.
"He saying that maybe Crazy Hand killed the cook."
"Ofcourse!" Everyone cheered.
"Uhh…howz?"
"………"
"Ommmmmmmmm." Kirby sucked on his hand.
Zelda sighed. "We should just sit here until the killer decides to kill again."
"The killer's not going to kill us with everyone watching." Link said.
"Atleast we'd all be alive!"
"Wahaha! That's a stupid idea, haha." Wario belched in her face, then fell into a fit of laughter.
"Falcon: agrees! I too, laugh, at stupid elf girl. HAHAHA."
"This ishn't helping."
"Yoshi, Yo-Whoa-" The green dino got shoved aside by Nana and Popo. The two children continued rampaging until they reached Mario. The punched his large gut.
"Cheater!...Lier!…lier!"
"Oh-a no. What I-a do?"
"Bad Fat-Man!...Man!"
"This is a fake certificate. Faker, phony!" Ness stood on the desk, waving a sheet of paper around. The box that contained all the blackmail evidence was now pried open by the children.
"Put that-a down-"
A frenzy broke out. The Smashers frantically scrambled to the box. Some tried to close it, others tried to search for their evidence. Lucas and Ness claimed the box again before, "PK Tenda!"
With everyone still smoking from the sting of their attack, the two peacefully returned to the box, and Mario's certificate.
Ness continued, "These papers say that Mario isn't a real doctor."
"What? Mario, is this true?" Peach turned to the blushing plumber.
"It-it's not-a true-"
"Lier." Lucas accused. "You cheated. You didn't finish medical school. You bribed someone into passing you."
"That's why you couldn't tell that Crazy Hand wasn't dead!" Ness waved the certificate around again.
"Lier, lier, Pants on fire. Too fat to climb up the telephone wire!" King Dedede chanted.
"Mario! How awful. You should be very very ashamed." Peach punished.
"Give me a-break-a! I didn't finish the school because YOU-A kept getting kidnapped so-a much!!"
"Mario! How rude to blame this on me." Peach got teary eyed.
"Always the Mario-this, Mario-that, Mario-help! Mama mia I have-a time for nothing!"
"It's not my fault. Bowser is the one who always kidnaps me. Naughty, naughty Koopa."
Bowser lets out a deep laugh, "Grahaha. This one ain't my fault."
"You ish one to talk." Master Hand dove into the box, holding up a little pink skull printed book. Bowser's face fell.
"What's that…that?" The two reached for it.
"Bowser's diary. Why don't I reveals WHY he ish always taking tha princess."
Bowser charged forward. "Gimme that or I'll tear ya damn fingers off-"
"DEAR DIARY." Master Hand out sped the giant Koopa, reading aloud at the same time. "Today I failed againz at world domination, blah blah blah, I cried and ate ice cream blah blah I LOVE PEACH THAT'SH WHY I KIDNAP HER!"
Bowser tripped forward, attempting to grab Master Hand. He fell right in front of Peach's frilly dress.
"………."
"…Ew." Some Smashers scrunched up their faces.
"The Peach and The Turtle sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G." King Dedede laughed with Falco and Ganondorf.
Bowser stammered, "I…that…I don't…THAT'S NOT-"
"Teehee, I already knew that, Dear." Peach calmly informed.
Mario sprung in the air towards the turtle-
*Punch!*
"I didn't-a know!" Mario defensively wrestled with Bowser on the floor.
"It AINT TRUE!" The Koopa denied.
"I already knew that. I played Paper Mario." R.O.B. complained.
Master Hand shrugged, tossing the diary back in the box. "Oh wellz. Who says some of you ish only being blackmailed for one ting?"
"What's his other secret?" Pit fluttered over the box.
Before Master Hand could look in the box, a tiny purple Pikmin sprung out squeaking, "Eeei!"
"Huh? Whatz that doing in here-?"
"Petunia!" Olimar outstretched his arms, skipping towards the Pikmin. The Pikmin girlishly lept into his arms, they hugged tightly.
"Oh I rememberz." He pointed at them. "You ish in an unauthorized relationship with tha purple Pikmin!"
"You just don't understand our love!!" Olimar sobbed. "It's complicated."
"A plant, he loves? Awkward, that is."
"Ooh, eeh." ("What a freak.")
No wonder he keeps going back to that planet.
"We kept it a secret for years. But somehow Crazy Hand found out, threatening to tell my commander…it would ruin us both. The Pikmin will never accept me as one of them."
"Dude, it's a plant."
Olimar snarled at Ike, "She's more human than you'll ever be!"
Fox rolled his eyes. "Anyway, I want to hear someone else's secret."
"Yea." Others nodded.
"Let's find yours Fox since you ish so excited." He turned back to the box, only seconds later he was surrounded by a blue haze. The box snatched from his hands, and Sonic held it high above his head across the room.
"Heh. I think you've had enough fun for one day."
"Hey!" People protested.
"This ish your way of keeping your secrets, Sonic tha Hedgehog?"
"No way. It's not about that."
"Reeeally? Than you wont minds if I expose your secret."
Sonic shrugged nonchalantly, "Go ahead and try. But I've got all the goods right here." He teetered the box side to side.
Master Hand held out one of Sonic's gold rings. "Ish that sos?"
Sonic gulped.
"Does anyone knows why Sonic ish tha fastest hedgehog in tha world? Or why he ish tha only fastest animal eva?"
Sonic flinched.
"Never thought of that." Fox pondered.
"Eeh, ooh." ("That's not fair.") Diddy pouted.
"He's fast because he's blue. All cool things are blue." Falco concluded.
"Then why he ish so dependent on these rings?"
"Why that?" Luigi asked.
Sonic dropped the box.
"Shimple." He snapped the ring in half. Various pills different sizes and colors fell to the carpet.
"Bastard!" Sonic screamed, scrambling to pick up the pills.
"He ish on steroids." He nodded towards the frantic Sonic.
The others gasped.
"Like, what a let down." Marth sighed.
Some hero.
"Awww, Yoshi…"
"That's twisted." Snake said.
Gannondorf muttered, "Damn. A Steroid Sonic."
Sonic shot him a glare with red eyes and a foaming mouth, "ITS NOT STERIODS- JUST A PERFORMANCE ENHANCER!!!!"
The look made Ganondorf's eye twitch.
Poke'mon Trainer wondered to where the box hand landed upside down. On the ground a few photos were spread out, face down. He curiously picked one up, turning it over. He gagged. "What the--!?"
Pikachu peered at the picture also. "…Pika!"
"What ish it?"
"Pikachu grabbed the paper, taking it to Master Hand. "Pii!"
"Ah yesh, Roy's picture."
"What's it of?" Others tried to see. Roy snatched the photo away, tearing it to shreds.
"You knows I has copies." Master Hand pulled out 5 more.
"I knew that genius. I choose to expose myself."
"Cover your eyes Zelda!" Link protectively blinds her.
"Don't do that, there are women present!" Snake warned.
"You dolts. Not that kind of expose!"
"OooOOooh," Marth giggled, "Finally I get to know what your blackmail is Roy."
Roy sighed heavily. He stood up straight, standing directly in front of Marth. "For once, SHUT UP."
"Like, way harsh. You're always such a buzz kill."
"BECAUSE," Roy shouted, "I think you're dumbest and least ugly prince in all of Altea!"
Marth blinked, utterly confused. "Umm, I'm like the onlyprince of Altea-"
"See? Even now you are so annoyingly aggravating it's making me INSANE."
"Are you gonna insult me all day or tell me something I like don't already know?"
"I'm getting to the point."
"Way to totally take all day-"
"MORON, I LOVE YOU!" Roy courageously announces. He grasps the prince roughly by the shoulders, closing his sapphire eyes, cheeks as red as his wild hair, and lips puckered out drawing closer and closer to Marth's until they finally met-
*CLONK!*
-Marth's golden tiara. "Ow!"
Marth slinked away, prancing around the room squawking, "-Roy like, LIKES me!!"
Some sat with mouths gapped open. Some simply laughed as Marth continued to freak out. Others watched Roy rub his bruised lip. One sat in the corner gobbling pills.
"Roy and Marth sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
"Aww, how absolutely lovely."
"Disturbing, that information about Roy, is."
Olimar smirked, "And you judged my love life."
"I guess love is weird like that." Samus shrugged.
"Dude, I had no idea you felt that way." Ike supportively slung an arm around Roy.
Roy shrugged him off. "Oh really? Maybe that's why I was being blackmailed."
"You're right!" Ike smiled. Roy sat back down, pouting like a spoiled little boy.
"Falcon, has to take, a, major toilet clogging, shit."
"Uh, the bathroom is attached to the staircase Falcon" Zelda instructed.
'Falcon, will make sure to, use the, toilet plunger." He posed his way out the room.
"What is wrong with you people?" Wolf moaned .
"Ima hungry." Kirby bit Roy's foot.
The frustrated red head flung him away, sending him flying across the room. He landed safely on Luigi.
Luigi slid forward from the impact. He landed face forward on the floor.
"Fuuuuuuuuuuun!" He rolled off Luigi.
"Ooooooooooooh…" Luigi groaned. He lifted his face up, a photo stuck on his long nose. He peeled it off. "G-g-g…gaaaaah~!!!!"
"Whoha, Wario look too." Wario took he picture. His eyes popped out their sockets. "WOW."
"Ish that another picture of Roy?"
Ganondorf stole the picture next, exclaiming, "Damn! It's Samus and Snake!!"
"Nooooo!" Samus screamed, racing over to him. "Don't look, don't look!"
Bowser held the picture to the light, "Dang. I thought she hated Snake."
"Are you sure that's real…real?"
Snake rested his hands behind his neck. "Yup. That's me and Samus."
"N-no it's not-"
"Dude, that's not fair, we had dibs!" Ike whined.
"Hey-give me that-its private-"
"Ahhh, eeeh!" ("She's hot!")
We…we shouldn't be looking at this. Yet he didn't divert his eyes.
"Now that is an excellent blackmail picture." R.O.B. evaluated.
Pit looked at the picture, totally mystified, "What are they doing and where is Samus' shirt?"
"I think it's time we've had a little talk." Snake pulled the angel beside him.
"This picture isn't real. It never, ever happened."
Snake loudly whispered, "It happened a week ago."
"No it was seven months ago, Stupid."
"I thought it never happened?"
"…CURSE YOU!" Samus whacked Snake on the head.
"Why did you take pictures if you hated him?" Link examined the photo, blushing slightly. Zelda jealously grabbed it.
"I didn't know he took pictures. The pervert-!" Samus hit Snake again.
"She said it would only be a 'one time' thing." Snake explained. "And I wanted to enjoy it as long as I could."
"But…NO one can get into that position…" Zelda said.
"Sure they can." Snake grabbed her, laying her on the couch to demonstrate.
"Get offme!"
"Falcon, SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!"
Everyone froze. Moments later they finally realized that Captain Falcon was not in the room.
"He went out to the bathroom." Zelda remembered.
"Oh no, what if he's getting killed?!"
"Yoshi!"
"We should help him." Poke'mon Trainer sighed, getting up.
"To tha bathroom!" Master Hand led the way.
Sneaky Kitty: So what's Captain Falcon's deal? What happened to his peaceful trip to the bathroom? Next chapter will tell you, plus the mystery deepens when an unexpected visitor arrives at the mansion.
=/ Okay so honestly, I don't really like this chapter. The blackmails were pretty lame, but I couldn't really think of anything better. Or the really good ones I did think of (OR ones people suggested) will work WAY better if revealed later in the story. More secrets still get revealed later. I kind of rushed this chapter, I'm eager to move on to some of my favorite parts.
. I apologize if you dislike the blackmails too. In the future I hope I can revise this a bit with better material. Ah, for now, onward with the story!!
Thanks again to all those who review~! You're comments really help. 3
