- Chapter 3 -

So I took Mary's advice. I stopped going to Harvard for "community service". For one full year, I started hanging with "friends" who didn't know who I was or even knew my name. They were just there. Standing at the corner of Central and Seventh, I was there with people who could see the anger in my eyes, that I was just trying to get away. They said nothing to me. But they invite me to parties with girls... and alcohol. I get wasted, and they laugh at me. They tell me that I'm much more liable for excitement when I'm plastered. I stay out all night with nameless, faceless girls and my laughing buddies.

I don't come home drunk. When I'm still tipsy, I don't even come home at all.

This quiet energy of mine that burned inside of me... I release it in this way. Sometimes, looking in the eyes of some girl, I forget Cody's name or how much Mom had loved me and sacrificed for me. I think of Dad... and I think of how he abandoned me. I think of all that was lost between us, all the times that he couldn't make up. Was it Mom's fault? Was it Dad's? But in the end, it doesn't matter anymore. In the end, I'm still the one stumbling in half-drunk in the morning to the darkened Tipton Suites, clearly out of my mind. I'm still the one that can't seem to get out of this abyss. And Zack - the innocent former shadow of myself – stares back at me through the mirror and shakes his head. And I scream, Don't shake your head at me! You don't even know me! And when he turns around, losing all hope and faith in me, I'm screaming at him, Don't you dare turn your back on me! Don't you dare give up on me!

But he's gone. And I guess he doesn't want to come out anymore. So I kick it with the boys who don't care about the place they have to go home to, the people they call their parents, or the things that give them a purpose in their lives. I'm emotionless. I'm unreadable, the thin line of a smile that I give to myself. Hennessy tells me who I am. But I'm more than this. So why do I keep falling back every time the streets call my name?

When there's no one there, no boys, no alcohol; I wander the streets alone. I see younger kids with their parents shopping. I see lovers holding onto each other as they walk and smile. That could be me, I say to myself. That could've been me.

Mom lost her trust in me. So many times she's tried to lock me in my room, but so many times I've gotten out. So many times she stares at me without words to say, as if she can't even recognize me anymore. I don't blame her. If I were here, I'd hate me too. Cody... he's the innocent twin, the one who won't succumb to such things I have. Cody is more understanding. He tries to help me, even though he doesn't know anything that I've done or am doing, but he tries to understand. But this world has gotten too cold, and while Cody's offering me a jacket, a lifeline, I've grown too proud to take it.

Give me one shot, and I'll be better in the morning, I say to my friends. They tell me I'll have a hangover tomorrow, but I don't care. I can't even breathe anymore without wondering if this will be my last breath. I've missed out on so much. Today was Cody's birthday. I picked up a beanie, just something I thought he wanted. I handed him the very poorly wrapped package. I said, "Happy 16th, Cody." He just stared at me as if he was surprised at what I was doing. When I returned his stare with a confused stare of my own, he reminded me that it was my birthday too. So? He didn't say anything then. I walked away, leaving him standing there, holding that package.

Sometimes I wish I had never been born at all.

Later that night, I went to go meet a few people. We were out to get wasted again, the night of my birthday, the story of my life. We celebrated my birthday, though nobody knew it but me.

The sound of laughter is all I remember.