Kensi POV
Breathe. Ok. This is crazy. I've done tons of other stuff with guys. Girl, don't kid yourself. This is like no other situation before. This is my partner, my friend. My Deeks. Oh dear. I guess I am possessive toward him, but I still can't just come out and tell him. I can't erase all this fear in a single night. But I can show him; surely he'll get the message. Wait, he's a guy; maybe not. Plus, ugh, that horrible double standard! Grrr! Then his face after the kiss, his face in the bullpen after the torture, his face tonight at the restaurant all flash in her mind. Each time it tells her what she needs to know. Everything she needs to know.
Somehow all that blends with the sensation of his thumb almost imperceptibly brushing slow circles on her shoulder.
With that, and before she loses her nerve, she turns to place a gentle kiss on his cheek.
She clearly surprised him based on the smallest jolt that pulls him back (even though he tries to cover it). As he grasps her shoulder Kensi senses he's about to avert his gaze from the TV to her, and her embarrassment, her nervousness takes over. The question in his eyes is going to be too much. She knows because she's seen it before. It's going to be too much.
And then it hits her, it's too much of everything she wants too. So she just goes with it. She gives up; she gives in. She claims his lips with her own and grips that same left bicep from earlier at the front door. It takes but just a few moments for Deeks to respond as he takes her in his arms and places his hands around her, caressing her back with lazy strokes.
Of all the reasons she's kept her walls up around him, she wasn't prepared for this. When he'd first joined her in the field, she found him immature and wished he get a haircut and shave. Shaggy blonde was not her thing, and scruff? Ick. Now, she just wanted more.
The questions of what he wanted were being answered as each second passed, but he wasn't pushing her; he was just expertly keeping up. Likewise she's a little surprised at herself, deepening the kiss, exploring together. She gives herself permission to do the single thing she's repeatedly dreamt about; she threads her fingers into the curls at the base of his neck.
Deeks POV
I have to be dreaming. But there's no way this is a dream, because it's a million times better than any of the endless and absolutely inappropriate dreams I've had about my partner. Yet, don't be stupid man. Don't ruin this.
As he affectionately moves to lay gentle, yet blistering hot open-mouth kisses down her neck and mumbles, "Kens", he hears that sound, that ice cream sundae sound! Nothing has ever sounded more beautiful to him. Seriously beautiful, just like everything about her. Even if she still can't tell him how she feels, for the moment, he'll take this. This mixed sigh/whimper that makes him involuntarily pull her closer to him.
He feels her fingers tremble in his hair. He hears her gasp for a stuttering breath. But this isn't heat of the moment. No, this is something else. Something's wrong.
Kensi POV
This is more wonderful than I could have ever imaged, so what's wrong with me? Oh no, he's pulling away….
With gravity in his voice, the concern twists her heart, "Kensi?"
Oh no. No, no, no. Everything I feared is crashing down around me. I did this to myself. I protected myself for years, and now, within a matter of minutes I wrecked it all.
Deeks has firmly grabbed my arms and is looking at me the same way he did in my mom's garage. His level of worry is palatable. Look what I've done to him.
"Kensi, what's wrong?"
What's wrong? What's wrong?! Everything! See, I was right all along, I can't. I just can't…. And then it got worse, that blasted look of love breaks me. My whole body is trembling and I can't stop the tears.
Deeks POV
Oh no. No, no, no. I didn't think I was pushing her, but I guess I was. Deeks, how do you continually mess things up so spectacularly? Tears are kryptonite to nearly every male on the planet. But these, I probably caused these.
Deeks does the only thing he knows, the only thing he can. He gathers her onto his lap. It's a testament to how broken she is that she doesn't fight him; she effortlessly complies with his effort. He tucks her head under his chin and strokes her hair with his left hand, and rubs slow circles on her back with his right. He can only whisper soothing "Shh" in her ear. He hopes beyond hope that something, anything will calm her. It's like a knife to his heart to see her like this, and the thought he might have had any role in it simply crushes him.
After what feels like an eternity, her body-wracking sobs quiet to slow tears that Deeks focuses on wiping away. She finally looks up to him. She's wrecked, but still the most beautiful being he's ever laid eyes on. She takes a steadying breath and makes an effort to speak, but he can't let her do this to herself. This has already cost her too much. As she works to form her first word, he places a finger on her mouth and simply shakes his head.
He sees everything he needs to know in her eyes: sadness, remorse, self-loathing. It takes everything to keep his own tears concealed. She'd pushed herself to this because she believed that's what he wanted, what he expected. There was never a time more than now that he needed to say what he means.
"Kensi. Although I said what I meant tonight, apparently I didn't say enough. Yes, I wanted to be here, tonight, with you. It's all I've ever wanted. No pretense. And listen when I say this, no expectation. I would never do that to you. Do I want to know your every thought, your every feeling? Without question. But not until you're ready. Am I using every ounce of my patience in waiting for that moment that may or may not happen?" Then he softens with an overt look, "Yeh, you bet I am." He offers her a tiny smile, which she can't fight. She returns it, but quickly diverts her view out of self-blame for causing him this struggle.
"Kensi, it's no secret you're scared." She looks up at him in shock. "When it comes to touchy-feely issues, you know feelings, emotions…" He looks up at her in question. Again, she averts her gazed and he knows that she knows she's busted. "You've been hurt too many times. But here's what I know. You can trust me. You do trust me. And more than just out in the field. We both care about each other. That moment when you asked me to make the impossible promise to not get myself killed, the way you said it, that's more than partners."
"I work every day to not put you in an uncomfortable situation of making a choice about me or making a commitment or any of those usual relationship markers. It's why I didn't feel like I could actually ask you on a date. If you said no, I'd be hurt and it'd make our partnership awkward. On the other hand, you might feel pressure from the awesome state of our partnership…" He throws in a weak attempt at a wink. Man, he's got to get Sam to teach him how to do that! "…to say yes, which likely results in some other form of awkwardness." I went for something different tonight and what do you know? Here we are: Awkward Land."
"So now that we're here and the world hasn't exploded, I presume, since remarkably we haven't gotten interrupting calls from Nell or Eric, there's still hope." He pauses for a moment to gauge her reaction. Will I ever not expect her to go running out my door? "I'll now admit your actions tonight… if there is any possible way for you to help a guy out with your intent? I'd really appreciate it." Then adding quickly, "But it's ok if you can't. Ok?" She's just been looking at him, but as usual giving him no clues as to what she's thinking.
"So, um…" Man this never gets easier.
