AN: ARRRGH. I have been so freaking busty. Okay, that's a lie; I was just busy. I feel like I've abandoned the five people who think this fanfic is going to go somewhere. I think I'll be lucky if I get a recommendation on TV Tropes. That aside, I have finally pulled my shit together and – wait for it – written chapter four. I know: it's shocking. Be prepared for: bad jokes, unexplained crossovers, pointless references, clichés that would make Comic Book Guy sob, fourth wall breakage, and lemon meringue pie. Ok, I made that last part up.
Chapter Four:
In Which The Author Remembers That Envy Isn't the Only Character in the Story, Much to the Surprise of Everybody Else
Alternatively, In Which There is an Unexplained Cameo
The woman walking down the road was wearing a hood, so it was hard to tell who she was. Despite her wearing a huge black cloak in the middle of summer (in Resembool, no less), and she had a gun at her side. Oddly enough, it was not a state military issued gun, nor even a "the gun that that old angry farmer guy who really wants you to get off his fucking lawn has" type of gun. It was a Colt Anaconda, which was created in 1990. Which made absolutely no sense, because the main part of Fullmetal Alchemist takes place before people had even invented goddamn Tommy Guns. Regardless of her paradoxical weaponry, the women herself was, physically, very ordinary. She had blonde hair that fell a little bit past her shoulders, and a serious, determined expression on her face. This woman had work to do.
The target was a teenage girl, with long pink hair, sparkling turquoise eyes, and a tendency to trip and fall over every now and then (which is totally a character flaw, so clearly she's a well-made OC). The girl was pretty, kind, sweet, and currently heading towards Central to become a State Alchemist. Due to her precognition (like, that means she can totally see the future and stuff, like Alice from Twilight), she already knew what her title would be: The Sparkle Happy Sunshine Wolf Heart Magic Daisy Alchemist, because in an organization with titles like "Flame", "Red Lotus", and "Fullmetal", "Sparkle Happy Sunshine Wolf Heart Magic Daisy" was clearly going to be a winner.
The woman with the gun scowled, and promptly proceeded to shoot the goddamn Sue in her beautiful, kind, sparkly, happy, sunshine face. And there was much rejoicing. Or, rather, there would have been, had there been any audience.
"Che," growled the woman. "These damn things are popping up everywhere."
"I agree," said the voice of another woman. The first woman turned, to see a group of five more women; each cloaked and hooded. Though it was impossible to tell, one had dark brown hair that was loosely tied in a ponytail over her shoulder, one had dark shoulder-length red hair, one had long bright red hair (ok, you could tell what her hair looked like, but only because it was so long that it reached her ankles), and one had curly light brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. The last one had blonde hair, and that was about all the others knew about her. The dark brown haired woman was the one who had first spoken. The blonde ignored her.
"Should you four really be here?" she asked the other four women. "This isn't your territory."
"We know that," said the women with light brown hair. "But, really, Sara–"
"Evangeline!" the first blonde snarled. "We use code names, Quince."
"Sorry," Quince said. "I keep forgetting. L– er, I mean Tiger keeps reminding me too. With all the confusion, it's hard to remember."
The woman with dark red hair, who was called Tiger, put a hand on her arm.
"It's all right, Quince, I had a tough time with it too." she said warmly. The dark brown haired woman shivered.
"This is bad," she murmured. "They're popping up everywhere." Evangeline gave her a shrug.
"We're here to wipe them out, Capulet." She said simply. She tossed a glare at the last woman. "At least most of you are helping." Capulet sighed.
"Don't get made at Joking, Eva." She said simply. "She's here for a reason, you know." Evangeline glanced up at the sky.
"I know. How long do you think it will be until we find Edward?" she asked.
"Who knows," said Capulet. "Things tend to revolve around him, though, so I should think we'll meet up with him soon enough."
"Let's split up here," said Joking. The other women gave her nasty looks, but nodded in agreement.
"I'm going to stay in Resembool," Evangeline decided. "Winry could become a target, and if she gets Possession Sued, we're going to have a problem."
"Right," said Capulet. "In that case, I'll head for Central– no, that's a bad idea, actually. I'll go to Dublith. I know the area, so I should be able to fit right in."
"Good thinking," Quince commented. "You guys are good at this. Right, well, I'm a long-range fighter, so I think I'll head to Xenotime. I should be able to snipe them all easily."
"See?" Tiger smiled at her. "You're catching on quickly. Xenotime sounds good for a newbie. As for me, I'm going to head to Reole. Merlin knows those people could use some help fixing things up."
"I shall stay in Resembool," announced Joking. "Evangeline, Winry is in Central right now, as is Rosé, so I'd head there if I were you."
"Very well," Evangeline dipped her head in acknowledgement, looking a bit sour. "How about you, Tomato?"
"Don't call me that!" the last woman snarled. "I'll tear your goddamn limbs off, you hear me? My codename is Habanera!"
"She was joking," Quince said, trying to pacify the irritated redhead. "C'mon, Habanera, you know that." Habanera scowled, but let it go.
"Fine," she grumbled. "If that's the case, I'm going to head for Briggs. I have quite a bit of respect for General Armstrong, so I'd hate to see Sues up there."
"Good, we've all decided." Announced Joking, even though she didn't really need to announce anything. "DMA, move out!"
Winry Rockbell was not having the best day. She had woken up, made breakfast, and then had her soul sucked out by a blonde, manly Dark Willow cosplayer who'd forgotten to take his toga off after the frat party last night. And now she was in Central, surrounded by: two Edward Elrics (one of whom was taller than the other), two Alphonse Elrics (one of whom was skinnier than the other), a Rosé Thomas that had dark skin because Scar apparently needed more angst, two Envys (one of whom was an androgyne, and the other of whom was just weird), a Greed who had shown up in his original form without any explanation at all, and Pride, who kept switching between omnicidal nutjob and Selim Bradley. Add in the frantic military people who were adjusting to the fact that their ruler/boss/hero/personal God Fuhrer King Bradley had snuffed it, and the fact that Envy (not the one that looks like a really girly guy, the one that is a really girly guy) had returned to his duck form and was currently sleeping on her head, and Winry could officially call it the Day Where Everything Sucked™. Also known as the DWES. ™.
On the bright side, Winry thought, having given up on removing Envy from her head, at least now she could properly inspect Ed's Automail and make sure he hadn't damaged it. Since the Winry that was probably in the other world and had probably made the other Ed's Automail wasn't here, Winry took it upon herself to inspect both sets.
The taller Edward's leg was fine (if one counted "nonexistent and replaced with Automail" as fine), but his arm was gone. Apparently it had been destroyed in the fight with Father, which would have pissed Winry off, but right now she was more concerned with the fact that Edward still had bits and pieces of Automail bolted into his shoulder. His right arm was smaller and less developed than the left arm, which made sense, because it had just kind of been floating around in the Gate for a year, and hadn't gotten any exercise.
Winry sighed, and was about to walk over to the other Ed to check on his Automail when the door swung open and Fuhrer Grumman entered the room.
"That was a pretty fast promotion," Mustang commented, suspicious.
"Yes, well," Grumman shrugged, grinning. "Most of the officials are dead, under arrest, or being yelled at by a combination of Olivier Mira Armstrong and Izumi Curtis, so I kind of had to promote myself. Luckily, it was a unanimous vote."
"Of course it was," said a voice behind him. A woman walked into the room. It was the blonde woman who first appeared in Paragraph 1, but she had abandoned her cloak. Instead, she now wore a mask shaped like– well, actually, it was nearly impossible to tell what the mask was shaped like, but Naruto fans would have pretended that they knew, so we'll just say it was shaped like a cat or something. "I am Evangeline. I'll be tagging along for a bit."
"Wait a moment!" Riza stood up. "There's no one in this franchise called 'Evangeline'. If you're an OC, we don't have time for–"
"I'm not an OC, thank the Gate." Evangeline cut her off. "The name I gave you is a code name, as my organization has secrecy policies. Whether or not I'm from this franchise is irrelevant. I am, however, a completely canonical character, though not a very prominent one. My organization does not allow OCs of any sort."
"What is your organization?" Winry asked. "What does it do?"
"My organization is called the DMA. No, I can't tell you what it stands for, though I can tell you that it's not a Soul Eater reference. At least, it's not intentionally a Soul Eater reference. As for what we do, well, the easiest way to put it is we're kind of like the Auditors from Discworld, except we're women, we aren't assholes, and we have quotation marks to show when we're talking. Basically, we jump dimensions and take out things that shouldn't be there, such as Mary Sues, Marty Stus, and other things like that." the woman took a breath and continued. "For instance, earlier this week, a comrade of mine ran into a group of odd individuals who had gotten lost."
"How odd?" Roy asked.
"There was an Ent, and talking raccoon, a green-skinned chick, a Mexican wrestler, and a nerd. They found a TARDIS, and I really don't want to have to go into the details of how they landed in Sunnydale. Joy was pissed beyond belief, that's for sure." Evangeline shuddered.
"Who's Joy?" Rose asked. "Another member of your organization?"
"Yes, although she's technically my superior," Evangeline replied. "There aren't really ranks in my organization, but there are the three women who founded it, and they're basically the leaders. Their names – codenames, that is – are Joy, Colt, and Phantom. The group that came here with me go by Capulet, Quince, Tiger, Joking, and Habanera. Katakana and Red wanted to come too, but they had other things to worry about. Apparently Habanera's best friend, Tomoe, needed some help in her home verse. Mary Sues corrupting her son, I think."
"Are your names clues to who you really are?" Envy grinned as it asked the question, hoping to annoy the woman a bit.
"Mostly," Evangeline agreed. "It really depends. Capulet, Quince, Habanera, and Red are all pretty obvious if you think hard enough, Joy, Tiger, and Phantom are a bit more difficult, and Katakana, Tomoe, Colt, and I are all pretty obscure, though Colt and Katakana are a bit easier to figure out."
"What about Joking?" Envy pressed, disappointed that it hadn't managed to annoy her the first time.
"Oh. Her." Evangeline's nose wrinkled. "She's not a canon character. Not an OC, but not a canon character, so the fact that she has so much authority is really annoying." Winry frowned.
"But if she's not canon, and she's not an OC, doesn't that make her a real person?" she asked. "I thought didn't allow that."
"They don't," Evangeline grumbled. "That's probably why the author of this story is avoiding giving her too much screentime – so she won't get in trouble."
"The author of this story is a girl?" Roy asked, clueless. Envy (the one who was still a duck) gave him an annoyed look.
"All fanfic authors are girls," he snapped. "Everyone knows that."
"Not all of them," Winry, still angry that Envy was using her head as a perch, piped up. "Moonlit Water Sunny River isn't." Envy blinked with his duck eyes.
"MWSR writes Ed/En," he pointed out, looking a bit uncomfortable. "And you think that–"
"There are yaoi fanboys, Envy." Said Greed. "There's yuri fangirls, too. Just ask the author of this story. She ships Ino/Hinata, Lucy/Flare, Riruka/Orihime, Winry/Rose, and probably a billion other things."
"Wait, Ino/Hinata? Have they even talked to each other?" Ed yelped.
"Once." Greed replied. "Third Shippuden movie. That's all I can think of. Oh, she also ships Madoka/Homura and Kyoko/Sayaka."
"Please," sneered Envy (the genderless one). "Everyone sane ships Madoka/Homura and Kyoko/Sayaka."
"I'm sane, and I ship Madoka/Mami," Greed growled. "Homura is–"
"Don't start this again," Riza growled. "It was annoying and pointless the first time we did it, and it's annoying and pointless now."
"Wait!" Roy butted in. Shipping was very important to him. "I thought the author shipped IchiHime, NaLu, EdWin, and Envy/Rose. What happened to that?"
"She multi-ships," Evangeline replied. "Besides, Envy/Rose is crack and everyone knows it. Does she ship it in the manga or the anime?"
"Both, I think. Mostly anime, though." Greed told her. The duck gave Rose an odd look, and the two scooted away from each other. Well, Rose scooted away. Envy was still sitting on Winry's head. Suddenly, Winry shrieked, and threw the poor bird across the room.
"What the hell?" Envy yelped, resuming his usual form, much to the shock of Grumman, who had yet to be informed of the new arrivals, and had just assumed that the duck could talk.
"I had to!" Winry insisted. "There was a plot hole!" Envy stared at her.
"What."
"You turned back into your usual form in chapter two!" Winry accused. "And you never turned back! So how are you a duck now?" Envy rolled his eyes.
"Maybe I transformed offscreen," he growled, clearly upset at having been displaced. "Did that ever occur to you, Blondie?" Winry glowered at him.
"Why were you on my head in the first place, you freak?" she snapped. Greed and Edward (that's the taller one) tensed, knowing their world's Envy's reaction to insults. This Envy, however just snickered.
"I don't need a reason to annoy people," he said cheerfully. "I do it for no reason at all!"
"He's telling the truth," said Wrath, happy that he actually got a line in this chapter. "He bugged everyone, even Dante." Greed cackled.
"I remember that," he choked through his laughter. "He turned into a little kid and followed her around calling her 'Mommy' for a week!" Envy's grin widened.
"Good times," he said, feigning nostalgia.
"Yeah," Greed grinned. "Almost worth the decade you spent underground in a cave and pinned down by various sharp things." Envy gave him a nasty look.
"Wait, how do you know that?" he demanded. "You're from the manga, not the anime." Greed shifted, looking completely unconcerned.
"The other Greed told me," he explained. "We had a chat, and, though he didn't really want to show up this chapter, he did say to annoy you in any way possible." Greed held up a piece of paper. "Even gave me a list. Nice guy, if you get past the attempted kidnapping of a young child and trusting a guy who already betrayed him. Oh, and the suicidal tendencies, but that was more of a 'fuck you' to Dante than anything else." Evangeline cleared her throat.
"Excuse me," she said stiffly. "I would like to explain why I'm here." The chatter died down a bit, and everyone turned to look at the masked blonde. "To begin, I would like to ask everyone a question: what do you know about Mary Sues?"
The room went silent.
AN: And thus ends chapter four. If Moonlit Water Sunny River wants me to take his name out of the story, he simply needs let me know. For those wondering if this story was inspired by any other fics, here's a short list: Fairy Tail Redux: Salamander's Time Traveling Escapades, Oh God Not Again, It's For a Good Cause I Swear, Yet Again With a Little Extra Help, Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies, and probably a billion other things that I forgot to mention. I am inspired by the authors of these fics (FoxOnPie, Sarah1281, Mistress Nika, and the other one), as well as numerous other fanfic authors.
Riza: For those of you who have guesses as to the identities of the members of the DMA, PM us and we'll let you know if you got anything right. If you simply comment on it, we will not answer, and we may delete your comment. If your PM also goes into the comments, it won't be answered. If you discover the answer and comment on it before the answers are made official, your comment will be deleted. If you're absolutely dying to know, you can look at the stories EK3 has written and her favorite stories and do some guesswork.
Roy: If you want to state that you are a biologically male author (no offense to males who were born female; we have nothing against anything except stupidity, but we don't want things to get to confusing), you may go ahead and do so. If you are a female, send me a picture, and maybe we can–
*Bang*
Riza: Get off the AN and back to your paperwork, sir.
