My eyes fluttered open, I managed to sleep a good couple of hours. I was comfortable beside Spencer, Spencer. My eyes opened wider, she was no longer next to me. I sat up quickly, there was no sign of her anywhere in the room. I stood up, rushing to check the bathroom.
Spencer was sitting across from the still sleeping maintenance guy, her eyes were puffy. She was rocking herself, her hands wrapped tightly around her legs. I sat on the side of the bath, waiting for her to tell me what was wrong.
"Will you kill him?" I gulped, my throat suddenly dry.
"No, we can leave him here. Someone will find him, it'll be okay." Spencer nodded and smiled,
"I'm glad."
"We need to get out of here though." I bent down, blushing slightly as I brushed past Spencer to examine the guy. I was in luck, he had a phone on him, there was not much battery life left but it would do.
I straightened up, "Pack up, I'll meet you at the car - have a call I need to make." I slipped the phone into my pocket, quickly gathered up my few belongings and left the room.
I stood at the car, pacing. I needed to speak to Aiden, I had so many unanswered questions floating about in my head, I so badly needed answers, I so badly needed to understand what was going on. Everything went so horribly wrong, so fast. I grabbed the phone dialling quickly,
"Can you make this line secure?" I was so anxious.
"Ash?" He called me Ash, I was no longer an Agent to him.
"You know I cannot help you, if they catch me they'll kill me." A sacrifice I was willing to make, his life for Spencer's?
I looked around to make sure Spencer was not coming out - I didn't want her to hear this conversation,
"I know, oh god how I know but I'm going out of my fucking mind here, Aiden!"
"Where are you?" he was whispering, someone had to be listening in.
"I'm on the road, I'm going to take the girl home - it's where she wants to be." I avoided calling her Spencer, I didn't want to show any signs of attachment.
"It won't be much longer before they find you Ash, you must forget about the girl. Save yourself."
"I can't Aiden, please help me. Who ordered the hit?"
"I don't know, they don't leave files lying around, you know that is classified information."
I sighed, noticing Spencer coming towards me.
I spoke fast, "help me, call me back on this number." Aiden would have the call traced.
I hung up as Spencer reached me, "Who was that?"
"Nobody, get in the car."
We drove in silence, getting closer to Spencer's house. With each mile driven I was getting more and more nervous. My hands were shaking, I kept glancing back over my shoulder expecting to find someone behind us. I was at a point where I didn't care what happened to me, all I wanted was for Spencer to reach her family. I was willing to die on her doorstep as long as she made it inside, I was happy to accept my fate but an innocent girl like Spencer did not deserve to die.
The silence of the car ride allowed me to think about my own life, I had nothing worth living for. I had no family, I had no friends. The only joy in my life was music and even that was gone, all music destroyed in my crummy apartment. Death would be a better option for me, I'd be doing the world a favour. I was a monster, killing people. I thought about Spencer back in the hospital room when she prayed, I found myself wondering if I should pray? I didn't know if I believed in God, I had no idea what I could believe in. I was lost, never to be saved. People like me were never saved - people like me didn't deserve to live, didn't deserve a God - real or fake.
I was biting my lip, a recent habit I picked up. I turned to look at Spencer, to see what she was doing, why she was so quiet. She was staring at me, day dreaming.
I coughed, "Why do you always stare at me?"
Spencer shifted uncomfortably in her seat, "You remind me of someone I once loved..." she was looking down, away from me.
"What happened to -" I couldn't finish my sentence I was not sure of Spencer's sexual preference, my mind raced back to the profile I studied, her sexual preference was left blank.
"Her," Spencer filled in for me, my facial expression did not change.
"What happened to her then?"
"She passed away, there was an accident." I wish I didn't ask, Spencer was looking sad now and I didn't know what to say to her, I had no right to be sympathetic - not when I killed, not when I destroyed families. It didn't seem right to me, I forced my eyes back on the road. I couldn't look at her, I was overcome with so much guilt.
"Have you killed many people?" I didn't want to answer, I couldn't answer. So many faces flashed before my eyes, so many lives I took on purpose and so many... so many I could not allow myself to think about but my mind would not allow me the luxury of forcing the memory away, it was something I was forced to live with, at night before falling asleep I would close my eyes and hear screaming - voices filled with panic, I could hear the pain in their screams. Sometimes I would see faces in my dreams, nobody deserved to die. My head felt like it was going to explode, I tried to focus on something else, anything else - Spencer.
"You're crying, are you okay?" my terrible thoughts were interrupted, I looked down to Spencer's hand, her fingers entwined with mine. I could feel the tears burning my cheeks, I couldn't drive any further so I pulled over. All these memories were so overwhelming.
"Hey.. Sshhh, please don't cry. I didn't mean to upset you." I was trying to calm myself, I was trying so hard but my body was shaking, I was sobbing. Spencer un-buckled her seat belt and leaned closer, her arms finding their way around my body, holding me tight.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head against her chest,
"I can't, it hurts too much." A constant pain in my chest that would never go away.
"I'm sorry," I was suddenly embarrassed, ashamed of my display of emotions, I took a deep breath, fully aware of just how close I was to Spencer. I could see the goose flesh forming as my breath hit her skin, I moved back slightly.
"Don't be, you're allowed to fall apart."
I nodded and caught myself yawning, I was so tired and emotionally drained, I just wanted it all to be over. Over, I cringed.
"Want me to drive for a bit?" I nodded, still aware that even slightly moved back we were still very close to one another, I couldn't let myself get close to her, not when she would be gone in a few hours. I opened my car door, ruining any intimate moment we may have been sharing - I was unsure, Spencer let go of me and moved back, both of us moving to get out so we could change sides.
-
We were here, parked in Spencer's road. I was expecting her to fly out the car and run to her house, to her family but that wasn't the case. We were both sitting in the car, silent - dealing with our messed up emotions.
Spencer finally spoke, taking in a deep breath she slapped her hands against her knees and looked at me, "This is going to sound really strange but I'm going to miss you."
I knew I would miss her too, in the short period of time we spent together I changed, I was opening up around her - I was discovering so many new emotions, some frightening and some good. I smiled my most genuine smile, "I will miss you too."
"Do you think we'll see each other again... you know, before we both die?" She forced out a laugh. Our death - I wondered if the Agency knew we were here, how long we had left. Time was not standing still for us.
"I'm sure we will," it would never happen.
Spencer nodded, "I better go, tell my family I'm okay." I nodded, I noticed Spencer avoiding eye contact with me, she rushed to open the door. I couldn't help but notice that she was crying, I bit my lip forcing back tears of my own. We had formed a bond in such a short period of time, I felt so connected to her, more so than anyone else.
Spencer was climbing out, there was so much I was longing to say to her, if only we met under better circumstances, I found myself regretting those hours spent driving in silence - wasted opportunity to talk to her, to get to know her. I wanted to cry out to her, plead with her to stay with me. Spencer bent down, looking at me for probably the last time, her mouth opened then closed. She wanted to say something, we both wanted to but instead she smiled and I lifted my hand to give her a wave. The door shut closed, I swallowed the lump in my throat.
I watched as she started to walk away, I was prepared to watch every step she took, prepared to sacrifice my life to ensure her safe return but my viewing was interrupted by the buzzing sound of my phone ringing. I fumbled to answer,
"Aiden?"
"Yes,"
"Oh god, thank you. Please tell me you know ordered the hit," I continued to watch Spencer, she was almost there.
"Ashley, Ashley...are you listening?" I was too distracted by Spencer.
"Shit, sorry - do you know who ordered the hit?"
I could hear Aiden sigh, "I just told you, Ashley, it was -"
