A/N: You can follow Miss Blanchfart on twitter if you dare. Here's the link twitter LovingUkillsMe
A huge thanks to Sultry Sweet who did the beta work yet again! :D
So here's the new chapter. I hope you like it. Please tell me what you think. :)
Chapter 4 - Dragon tattoos are freaking overrated
Regina Milf sat in the living room of the mansion, enjoying the quiet and watching the third season of "The L Word" for the fourth time. Life was obviously good at the moment, mainly due to the fact that Miss Blanchfart wanted to catch up on some mother-daughter time and was therefore, for once, not driving the dark-haired woman nuts.
The house smelled pleasant and her apple tree had grown quite a bit during the last few weeks. Emma still thought her lover was pregnant and therefore treated Regina like a freaking goddess… she even did the laundry. Henry started to go to therapy again, talking about his little butt problem with Dr. Hopper. And Miss Blanchfart continued farting once in a while, but also knitted girl's clothes, finished setting up the crib and even sent Regina a list of names for the baby. All of them sounded weird.
The brunette chuckled as she read through the message from the woman with the pixie haircut again.
'Hi Regina, I thought about some cute names for the little daughter that you're giving birth to in about 7 months. I hope she's going to be properly fed since you still look as skinny as ever. Anyway, here's a list of a few names that Charming and I have come up with… or actually just me because I don't even know where Charming is these days… I'm sure he'll find me though, so don't worry.'
'Mona Lott, Virgin, Mary Lisa, Misty, Reignbow, Bicorn, Princess Mary, Optimus, Apple, Catspliss Evergreen, Mahboobeh, Ima (which is of course followed by either Swan or Charming), Married (David + Mary), Vagina (Regina + Vanilla), Cinnamonpoo, Winnie Poop, Milk, … '
'I have more if you're interested. Please let me know… although I feel awkward about some of them.
Thanks.
- Snow'
Regina cracked up after rereading the message once more. She would surely never give her daughter such an incredibly weird name… It really was a good thing that she wasn't even pregnant. The brunette already had had her fun with those names though.
Flashback
"So, Emma, how about we name our little daughter Vagina?" Regina asked the blonde, smirking.
Emma's eyes nearly popped out of her head at the suggestion. She was definitely shocked as soon as she gave her response.
"WHAT?"
"Well, it is a blend word made of Regina and Vanilla." The brunette explained, looking very serious.
However, Emma wasn't buying that shit. She knew that Regina would never call their daughter Vagina.
"You're joking, aren't you?"
"I am certainly not. I have made a list with some names that I really love." The brunette said, grinning broadly as she handed Emma the list with Snow's names.
"Mona Lott?" The blonde read loudly, still in shock.
"Yes, you do." Regina chuckled when she spoke up huskily.
Before Emma read further, she rolled her eyes and said dryly, "You got these from my mother, didn't you?"
"Okay, fine. Yes, Miss Blanchfart sent me those hideous suggestions." The brunette huffed out.
Flashback over
All of a sudden, an unknown ringtone echoed through the mansion. Regina was pretty sure that Emma must have changed her ringtone once more since the brunette was slightly pissed off due to hearing a disastrous grammar. "Your phone ringing it is. Press the button you must. Fulfill your destiny."
Regina hoped that it wouldn't be that hideous mother of her blonde lover. However, as soon as she read the caller ID, the dark-haired woman smirked and quickly answered.
"Thank you so much for changing my ringtone yet again, dear. And seriously, a Yoda ringtone?"
A few muffled sounds came from the blonde before Regina teasingly said, "Miss Swan, don't dare to tell me that you are going to be late for our little recreating session of the kinkiest scenes of 'The L Word'."
After a while of listening to her girlfriend, the dark-haired woman spoke up again with her voice raised and her mood dropped.
"WHAT IS SHE DOING?! YOU HAVE TO STOP HER!"
…
"Okay, love. I'm coming."
Regina hurriedly hung up and made her way to Emma.
At Emma's who's at the Charming's
"Emma, she can't do that!" The brunette yelled as soon as she entered the Charming's apartment.
"They'll know soon anyway, don't you think?" Emma replied sheepishly and walked over to Regina. The blonde gave the older woman a quick peck before she gently brushed over Regina's stomach.
"I suppose not since there is something I need to tell you." The brunette answered shyly.
"What is it, babe?" Emma asked, worrying.
"I'm not pregnant." Regina spoke up and cringed while she looked at Emma expectantly.
The blonde was shocked beyond words but still managed to silently whisper, nobody hearing the words anyhow. "Now, I can forget about my performance of 'You're having my baby'. Those intense rehearsals were totally in vain…"
Ruby suddenly hopped out of nowhere and cried.
"NO! BUT I NEED THIS BABY!"
"I don't want to interrupt you or anything. RUBY JUST SAID BUTT!" Henry exclaimed loudly once he joined the trio.
"Aren't you supposed to be at a therapy session?" Regina spoke up, frowning and furrowing her brow in confusion.
"Well, I was there. But I got bored." The boy giggled crazily before he continued. "I just said butt. And I did it again."
Emma was still in shock, taking in the information, but quickly pulled herself together. She wanted a child with the brunette so badly that she almost forgot what her mother was about to do. After a second, she finally managed to speak up.
"Shit! We have to stop my mom, Gina."
Regina spoke up before she left the apartment in order to shut up the woman with the pixie haircut.
"I'm going to deal with her! You stay here."
Emma shrugged her shoulders and asked Ruby who was still there as well.
"What kind of present did you actually make my mother?"
"Um, one she still hasn't unpacked… It's so much better than just a lame cow." The waitress hissed through gritted teeth.
At Snow's
Snow stood in front of the townspeople, mentally preparing herself for an epic speech. Yes, she was freaking nervous and had probably peed her pants a thousand times already. However, she was not going to just leave the stage now, as the saying goes: The show must go all over the place or something…
She was a natural leader and if that meant speaking in front of an intimidating, huge crowd then she was willing to do so. Furthermore, the townspeople deserved to know that the former Evil Queen carried her daughter's child.
The brunette may have also farted once in a while, but she blamed everything that came out of her on her nervousness. Or on her crimson cow, which stood beside her.
Suddenly, a cool wind brushed her lady parts and she had to immediately cringe at the coldness. Such sharp and freezing cold could only develop if she was wet there. The brunette instantly looked down and examined her crotch. Snow sighed happily when she noticed that she was wearing dark trousers and nobody would be able to see that she had indeed peed her pants.
The woman with the pixie-haircut cleared her throat and made a few weird gestures before she spoke up.
"My dear town's people. Lend me your ears!"
The people who watched her suddenly turned around and eyed each other. They obviously couldn't believe what they had just heard. After a while of bewildered looks though, the crowd pulled their ears off as if they were props and threw them at Snow in the front.
The brunette rolled her eyes at their stupidity while being bombarded with ears and tried to find appropriate words to say. Snow yelled when she seemingly found them.
"I MEAN… LISTEN TO ME!"
Suddenly, everyone was quiet and looked up at her expectantly. One voice, nonetheless, sounded through the crowd at that moment and affected Snow deeply.
"IS SNOW RELATED TO PETER PAN? OR WHY HAS SHE PEED HER PANTS?"
The woman with the pixie-hair cut immediately blushed and her eyes popped out of her head in shock. She had to come up with an excuse… the faster the better.
"I had a rough fight with Robin Hood and he pushed me into a sulfurous lake."
'That will hopefully do and shut them up', Snow thought and eyed the townspeople expectantly.
The former Evil Queen stood in the midst of the crowd and rolled her eyes at Snow White. Regina was apparently the only one who wasn't idiotic in this freaking town.
The remaining folk breathed out in shock and amazement as they eyed their Snow White, the embodiment of everything that was good in this miserable stinking world.
'By the way, stinking… where did that smell come from?' Regina asked herself, already knowing the answer.
Mary Margaret instantly had to remember the day when she had actually met Robin Hood about a year prior.
Flashback
Blades were clashing, bodies were sweating and Snow was in the middle when Charming and Robin Hood fought for her. She looked like a lady on top of her little pony.
Robin was obviously handier than Charming when it came to moving and using a sword and probably when it came to everything that would require physical activities. Snow couldn't deny that she was attracted to the thief, but Charming was her true love so she wouldn't leave him for Robin. She would just maybe have a short fling with him and be back in no time.
Charming moved forward and wildly poked around with his wooden sword so freaking wildly that Robin had to take a step back. The trained bowman stumbled into Snow's pony and the latter suddenly flew off of it and landed in a puddle of water.
Once Snow felt the water clinging to her body, she paddled around with her legs and arms. It kind of looked as if she tried to swim but failed in an astoundingly awkward manner. Well, she would have probably also failed if there was enough water to swim in… One way or another, it was just pathetic.
To top it all off, she started to scream in panic.
Charming just eyed his wife in confusion while Robin was trying to hold in the laughter that was slowly making its way to his mouth.
Suddenly, Emma and Regina made their way through the bushes and joined the trio. The blonde had a few sticks in her angelic hair that she tried to desperately get rid of. The former Evil Queen just rolled her eyes at her girlfriend's clumsiness, but quickly eyed the body in the puddle of water. She had to immediately smirk and even started to laugh huskily. Emma looked up at the sound and gawked once she took in the attire of her mother.
"Mum, what the fuck are you doing?"
"I CAN'T SWIM. I CAN'T SWIM. DARLING, HELP ME!"
Emma furrowed her brows and helped her mother out of the puddle. When Snow was on her own feet again, she narrowed her eyes and spoke up, eyeing Regina.
"What have you two been up to in that bush?"
An awkward silence fell over all of them.
"Did you kiss her?" Snow asked in both shock and anger.
The brunette smirked devilishly at the other woman and even chuckled darkly. That seemed to be answer enough.
"IT'S PORN!" Snow hissed loudly as she whipped out her sword and ran towards the former Evil Queen.
Emma instantly grabbed Regina's arm and dragged her away from her mother, sprinting towards the woods.
"RUN, REGINA, RUN!" The blonde yelled.
Regina started to laugh breathily when she looked back for a second to see the woman with the pixie haircut, who was burning up with anger.
"STOP LAUGHING, YOU WITCH! WHY WERE YOU KISSING MY BABY?!" Snow screamed.
The blonde of course noticed the shit-eating grin on her lover's face. Emma immediately ran faster and put her hand over Regina's mouth as she spoke up loudly.
"Stop provoking her!"
Charming and Robin just eyed the scene, both terribly confused by it. The bowman seemed to be the first to find his voice.
"It's so cool that your daughter has a dragoon tattoo as well."
Suddenly, Tinkerbell hopped out of nowhere, clearing up the situation.
"Shit, apparently there are more people with dragon tattoos. Maybe I should have just said that Regina's true love is also the Savior, but oh well…"
In that moment, Henry made his way through the bushes and screamed.
"TINK JUST SAID BUTT!"
And Tinkerbell just narrowed her eyes as she replied.
"And they already have a son together. Those witches are bitches."
All of a sudden, Ruby came out of nowhere and spoke up loudly with red panties on top of her head.
"SWAN QUEEN IS ENDGAME!"
"Hey, those panties belong to Emma!" Henry yelled at the wolf-girl.
Charming muttered silently, "Oh god, this is so gay. I love it."
FLASHBACK OVER
"What I actually wanted to say is…" The woman with the pixie haircut spoke up again, eyeing the crowd.
"Regina is…" Before Snow finished her sentence though, purple smoke engulfed her.
She continued, standing in her apartment now and only looking at Hannah Mootana.
"…pregnant."
The cow drooled on the floor and brought out a quiet moo.
"Yeah, I know that you know." The brunette said to her crimson animal.
"Miss Blanchfart. Cream Poop." Regina greeted them as she appeared in the room as well.
She carried on after a second, eyeing Snow intently.
"My pregnancy is to be kept quiet for now. Do you understand?"
The woman with the pixie haircut gulped before she nodded slightly.
"Yes."
"Good. See you then, soon-to-be-aunt."
Purple smoke filled the apartment once more as Regina magicked herself away again.
At the mansion
Emma sat in front of her Playstation, pressing multiple buttons of her controller, unable to look away from the screen. Every now and then, she just had to think of her missed childhood memories and therefore wanted to make new ones. When the brunette and Henry were out of the house, she often neglected her household duties and instead just sat in front of the console. So Emma was more than glad that Regina had wanted to take care of her mother on her own.
She didn't notice when the door opened. Emma was too lost in the game and too lost in blasting away a song that somehow had a familiar rhythm. The blonde came up with the lyrics herself though.
Regina stared at her girlfriend and furrowed her brow.
"I came in like a Pokéball. Yeah, I just wanted to catch them all!"
The brunette cleared her throat and immediately snapped Emma out of her singing and being-a-child moment.
"What the fuck are you doing?" The mayor asked the blonde who swung around on a red and white stability ball that hung from the ceiling.
The younger woman suddenly dropped to the ground with a loud thud and a grumbling sound.
She picked herself up and looked into very pissed off dark pools of her lover. Emma grinned sheepishly, not really knowing how to talk herself out of this one.
When Henry entered the living room though, he instantly lit up and ran to the gigantic Pokéball. He giggled when he examined the thing.
"This is amazing. Can I try?" He asked his blonde mother who still looked slightly startled.
Emma just eyed the brunette and Henry followed her gaze. Regina's very unamused look spoke volumes and the boy sadly pouted. In that moment, the abilities and similarities of his birth mother were shining through.
Regina chuckled lightly and was quite astonished that he, for once, didn't say anything that contained the word 'butt'. She couldn't believe what she was even doing when she nodded her approval towards his proposal.
The boy clapped happily and jumped on top of the ball. He swung around as he started to sing.
"I came in like a wrecking ball!"
"Henry!"
His brunette mother hissed through gritted because she had been oblivious to the fact that he had actually seen the indecent video. However, she was a hundred percent sure that a flaxen-haired woman had most certainly something to do with it. She turned her attention to Emma once more and gave her the evil eye.
"What? It wasn't even me!" Emma yelled, looking offended.
At Snow's:
"I came in like a wrecking ball. I love animals and banggai cardinals!"
The woman with the pixie haircut blasted away, looking at her little zoo of animals that she had gotten from Ruby. The wolf girl's present was definitely better than the cow. Snow had feared though that the brunette would have given her some indecent underwear. That's why she hadn't opened it sooner.
Hannah Mootana mooed along loudly. Her banggai cardinalfish bubbled under water.
"I came in like a hairball. Yeah, I just wanted to get a booty call."
Snow sang to her little cat, which also came with Ruby's zoo and had nearly choked on a hairball. Miss Kitty would have had a wonderful fling if only that ball hadn't unpleasantly made its way to her throat.
"Next time, Kitty. Your true love tomcat will come!" Snow screamed.
Suddenly the animal lover's phone rang. Matter-of-factly she picked up.
"Snow's Zoo. What can I moo for you?"
"Have you let our son watch that hideous music video of one Miley Cyrus?" Regina spoke up angrily.
The woman with the pixie haircut was seriously confused as she answered.
"Who's Miley Cyrus?"
"Seriously? I thought you were watching Hannah Montana?"
"Yes. So what?"
"It's the same person!"
"Well, she definitely gets the best of both worlds. And to answer your question, yes I have. What are you going to do about it?"
"I will get revenge. Don't you worry about that, Miss Blanchfart."
And with that the line went dead.
"Oh, she's so pregnant. All of these hormones and stuff. It's getting crazy." Snow said as she eyed her cow.
Hannah Mootana nodded her approval.
Thanks for reading!
