Disclaimer: -insert standard disclaimer-
Warnings: slightly CRACK and vulgar words
FACTS ON FEMINISM
Written by purpleblush017
Uchiha Sasuke hated a lot of things.
He hates the self-proclaimed Hokage slash blonde dope slash cough friend cough ramen-crazed fat man cough named Uzumaki Naruto. There's his oh-so great and VERY lazy mentor, Hatake Kakashi who loves to tease him as much as Naruto does. Then there's his older, bigger and stronger brother who went mad and went on a killing spree when he was just a child, tainting him with hatred and vengeance. Ah, sweet, sweet memories. What a fruitful childhood he has.
Oh, he also hates it when things doesn't go according to his plans, And the list goes on and on and on and on.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
And there are gossips.
After seeing something his eyes weren't supposed to see, Uzumaki Naruto just HAS to rub it in. With his incredibly loud mouth and talented imagination, the citizens of Konoha were instantly informed about the kissing episode he saw on the forest just outside the village of Konoha. And with a little help of one orange book lover slash perverted sensei, the news spread like wildfire.
"Sasuke-teme and Sakura-chan are sitting on a tree. K. I. S. S. I. N.G. First comes marriage then comes…" Naruto sang with a broad grin plastered on his face as he walked along the village.
To make matters worst, Konoha citizens were informed that THE proud and ALL mighty Uchiha Sasuke is going to house a pink-haired woman, the same woman who he was seen kissing!
"So, he isn't GAY after all…"
"I wonder if they have already did it…"
"Why don't we take a peek to see for ourselves?"
Snicker. Snicker.
"Sasuke-teme and Sakura-chan are sitting on a tree K. I. S—"
Sasuke sneered. "Tch." His Sharingan was on.
Fact no. 04: women are supposed to be COOKING good stuff
"Sakura!" Sasuke's voice echoed all throughout the Uchiha estate. And then there were footsteps.
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Sasuke's eyebrows met one another. The hell.
"Hai! I'm coming!" Sakura shouted, running down the stairs when—
PLACK
—she fell face first. Not again! She slowly sat up straight and rubbed her small nose. Damn! Curse you, you wicked floor!
"Talking to yourself again?"
The reflex to look at the one who just spoke kicked in. There he was, one hot guy, standing in front of her. He's single, she's single. The perfect match. Ugh, except from the fact that he's a homo—err, I mean, womanly challenged. Yeah. Let's go with that.
Sakura stood up only to reach his broad chest. Curse her height! Ugh. Why the hell did I stop growing? I have been drinking my milk everyday! Do you hear me? EVERYDAY! What's wrong with my hormones? Have they really given up on me? Why I oughta—
"Oi!" Sasuke poked her forehead to snap her out from her La La land. "Talking to yourself is taking its toll on you." He topped it off with a cool smirk. "Huh, shorty?"
Sakura's face turned as red as she can handle. Steam came out of her ears. "Shorty? Shorty? SHORTY? Why you scumbag! I—"
"Save your amusing language for yourself. I don't want to hear it." Sasuke glared.
"Oh yeah? Then, what the hell do you want?" She crossed her arms and looked at her side. Ugh, Why do I have to live here with Mr. Oh-I'm-so-hot-so-you-wouldn't-notice-that-I'm-a-homo?
His eyebrows snapped. "How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not a homo, you short-legged woman?"
Sakura's eyes shot open. He can read minds?
"No, I can't."
The hell.
Sasuke dangerously glared.
"Stop staring at me so intently. I already know I'm VERY beautiful."
"Che."
She stomped, "Okay, fine! Let's get this over with. What do you want?" she gritted her teeth.
There was a pregnant pause.
An awkward silence.
And silence, she couldn't take. "Argh! Spit it out, will you!?"
"Cook." He said.
"Huh?" And yes, she didn't understand.
"You cook." He simply stated, looking at his window.
"What!?"
"Since you're going to live in this house, MY house, you have to cook for me, serve for me and treat me with the utmost respect I deserve."
"Respect, my ass." She mumbled.
But Sasuke heard it nonetheless. "You have to follow MY rules in this house. Not yours, but MINE. You touch NOTHING unless I say so. You don't go roaming and loitering around MY mansion for no reason at all. If ever I have a mission, you have to leave the house immediately and return ONLY when it's time for bed."
"WHAT!?" She shuttered. "What's the point of all of this? Isn't this going to be MY house too?"
Sasuke sneered. "No. The Hokage asked me to keep you until your apartment has been rebuilt. But I make the rules around here. I OWN this house. And I will kick you out if I need to. You got that, pinky?"
She rolled her eyes. "Che. Yours. Yours. YOURS! Always YOURS! You're so selfish! Why don't you try to open up a little? Lighten up! Smile! Ugh! That's a frown! That poker face of yours needs a new feature. Sheesh. That's the reason why you don't have a girlfriend!" Sasuke snorted. "With that attitude of yours, I wouldn't even doubt why this house of yours doesn't feel like home!"
He slightly stiffened. "This is never home." A pause, "Stop talking nonsense and start cooking." He turned around smoothly and disappeared on a corner.
"Whaaa? HEY! Ever heard of Fast Food stores!?"
And so, there was Food. Food which she have created.
Sasuke stared at the plate, no, he glared at it.
"Uchiha Sasuke! You have to stop glaring at everything you see! It's getting on my nerves! Plus, it's annoying! The glaring must stop." Sakura lectured.
Sasuke raised his eyebrow at her. Doesn't she know that she's annoying? Anyway, he's too distracted to notice her. He's too busy figuring out what was on the plate she was shoving at his face. He has encountered bad chefs and cooks throughout his life, but never had he encountered something as worse as this.
It was green, must be vegetables. It has yellow sprinkles on it, must be garlic, my God, is that banana?! Then, the soup was color purple! What ingredient could possibly turn to that color? Is that meat still moving? The hell! It IS moving! And that! What the hell is that, that thing with the swirly stripes?! What the hell is THIS stuff?!?
Sakura snapped, "Are you going to eat it or what?"
"Are you trying to poison me?"
She was taken aback. "How dare you accuse me of such thing!? I cooked for you and this is what I get? You're a boneless homo!"
"That's not even food." He countered.
And Hell came.
Sakura threw the plate, smashing it to the ground. And her wonderful creation was shattered on the floor, along with the sharp broken pieces of the plate. Now, who's going to clean that mess?
"YOU! You heartless Asshole! How dare you? What do you really have against me? You keep on insulting me and everything that I do and stand for since the day we met! What is wrong with you!? We both don't like one another but I am doing my best! I try to be on your good side, trying to please you! You're full of bullshit! ROT IN HELL, YOU HOMO-WOMEN-INSULTING-BASTARD! ATLEAST NARUTO EATS WHATEVER I COOK!" and she stomped away, leaving a slightly stunned Uchiha Sasuke.
He watched as her figure disappeared. He stared at the shattered remains of her so-called "food". There was purple, green and yellow all over his floor. And the blasted meat is still moving! Damn, Naruto eats this stuff? No wonder he's often seen in the bathroom.
When Haruno Sakura is pissed off, there's only one thing to do:
EAT.
And where else should she go? Of course, Ichiraku is the place.
"Sakura-chan!" Naruto greeted in a sing-song manner, waving at her as she approached the ramen stall. She sat on the stool beside him.
"Miso please." She ordered and then plopped her head.
Knowing her for years now, Naruto instantly knew that there was something bothering her. Her knitted eyebrows, the dangerous glare she was giving to whatever she was looking at, and that frown were all positive indications of that. She must be really pissed off.
"Ne, Sakura-chan, how's life living with Sasuke-teme?" he asked, gulping down his fifth bowl of ramen. He noticed someone sat beside her. He stiffened.
"Beef ramen." A guy ordered from the background.
Sakura looked at Naruto and ranted. "He's HORRIBLE! Really! He insults me, Naruto! He doubts me! He doesn't even allow me touch anything! And you know that I love to touch STUFF! He's mean! Like a big bad ogre! There were rules that need to be followed. But Naruto! You know I HATE rules! He's like, 'No running inside MY perimeter', 'No noise allowed', 'No midnight snacks', 'No roaming and loitering around'! Ugh! You know I LOVE to loiter around! I'm the princess of Loitering! That suck-up Bastard will pay someday! And I mean, PAY!! One day, HE will bow down to me! He will worship ME! (Insert evil laughter) I will make him do all the worse things man has ever done! That human ice cube will smile his ass off! I swear! I'm going to poke his ASS a million times!! Even if it takes forever, I will MAKE his life a living hell!"
Naruto found no words to say or the courage to speak up.
"He even insulted my COOKING! He asked me to cook for him and I did! And what did he say? 'Are you trying to poison me?' what the hell is his problem? It doesn't mean that since he doesn't have BOOBS doesn't mean it's the end of the world for him. He should have said 'Thank you'! He should have eaten it! That asshole! The nerve of HIM! How dare he do that to me! Huh, He's not even HOT! Bastard."
There was a glare.
Naruto stiffened more. "Ugh, Sakura-chan, I have to get going now. See you later!" and he dashed off.
Sakura stared at Naruto's seemingly frightened figure run for his life. "What's his problem?" she turned to the counter, "Hey! Where's my Miso ramen?"
"So, I'm not hot, eh?" a cool voice made its way to her ears.
She turned around and, "YOU! What the hell are you doing here?!" There he was, Uchiha Sasuke, sitting right beside her. Her cheeks were suddenly tainted red. Did he hear all I said?
"Since someone didn't make an edible lunch, I have to eat here." He stated coolly, hands on his chin.
There he was again, and he's starting it again. "I DID make you an edible lunch, you piece of crap!"
He rolled his eyes. "When the soup is colored purple and the meat is still moving, that's not exactly what you call edible."
"Suit yourself, you just missed the food of a lifetime!" She crossed her arms and entangled her legs.
Sasuke smirked. "All I missed was a trip to the bathroom."
Her orbs rounded. "Take that back! You did not JUST insult me again!"
"Here's one Miso ramen, miss." Ayame, handed her a hot bowl of Miso ramen. "And Beef ramen for Sasuke-kun." There was a flirty tone in her voice. And her smile, it reached her ears. It was pretty obvious that she likes him. More like a fan girl.
"Tch. Shut up and eat." Sasuke ordered as he took his chopsticks.
Sakura snorted. "You are not the boss of me! Hmph!"
As they ate, she realized that the brooding bastard beside her snatched every girl's heart that passed through them. Just by merely sitting on the stool, he managed to get the women flirty with him. But he doesn't do it on purpose. It wasn't his fault that he was born super-duper-hot.
"Hi Sasuke-kun!" the girls will greet, giggling while Sasuke didn't spare them a single glance.
The attention he was getting was overwhelming, and somehow, when she appeared on the picture, she became instantly involved.
"Is that the woman Sasuke-kun was seen kissing?"
"Duh, she has the pink hair, she's short and small, that's definitely her."
"Oh my God!" the woman gasped, "She's not even pretty! I know a lot of girls prettier than her!"
Nod. Nod. "How can Sasuke-kun kiss someone like that?"
"That must be one slutty bi-atch."
"The rumors must not be true."
"Yeah, I have never seen her before, where did she hide all this time?"
"Maybe some slut-hole."
Sakura's ears perked. She was mad. These people don't even know her. Why the hell were they saying all this nasty stuff about her? These people were going to be slaughtered violently, she swore.
"Let's go." Sasuke snapped her out of her murderous intentions.
She raised her brow. "Why the hell am I supposed to go with you?"
He silently (and she hates to admit) graciously stands up. Never knew standing up could be that sexy and hot. "Simple, you live at my house and I can throw you out any time I want."
Grudgingly, she followed suit. "Bastard."
He smirked in response. Oh, how she loathed that smirk!
Before she even knew it, they were walking together. He was walking three or four feet in distance than her but he stops at one point for her to catch up. "Keep those legs walking, midget."
Isn't that sweet of him? His term of endearment is very…loving. What do women see in this guy anyway? Besides from his hotness? Obviously he has no substance!
Sakura sneered, "Coming, honey." She spat out in mockery. However, that sounded quite wrong and she mentally slaps herself for her wrong doing.
Honey sounds nice.
Along the way, more women seemed to glare at her, harder than the previous ones. As if they were burning her, splittingly throwing a million kunais at her. As if she would just drop dead at their will.
As Haruno Sakura is Haruno Sakura, she wouldn't go without a fight. She wouldn't let people trample on her. She would fight, even thought it was plainly ridiculous and full of crap and a load of misunderstanding. So, she glared really, really, really, super really hard in return.
"I can't believe Sasuke-kun could kiss someone like her!"
"This is an outrage! That girl is TOO small!"
"She's an embarrassment to the women race!"
"Look at her! She knows no poise!"
"Look at those breasts! It's like a flat screen T.V."
When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.
Sakura clenched her fist, she was about to shout out loud and criticize every woman who insulted her when Sasuke stopped her. "Don't mind them." He said, and somehow, that's all it took to keep her mouth shut. For a moment that is.
"Ne, Uchiha, do you really think that I'm not pretty?" she asked, slightly blushing. She made those beautiful eyes as she flutter her eyelashes repeatedly.
He took one glance at her before he answered. "You are you. Don't let other people mess with your head."
It wasn't enough. Unsatisfied, she kept going on, "Tell me, I want to hear it from you. Do you think I'm not pretty?" there was seriousness on her tone, and he can detect that. "Because it's okay. Really. I'd just beat the hell out of you!"
Sasuke snorted. Hah, as if you can.
As if struggling to find the right words to say, he couldn't answer immediately.
"Uchiha!"
He looked at her, "You're…" the right words? What are the right words? He doesn't know. Mentally-challenged doesn't suit her; she was far more than that. "…unique." The sweet coating for the term weird.
It was enough to make her smile.
It was an exhausting first day living with THE Uchiha Sasuke. But she decided that he might have some issues on his own to act and be that way. And she would try her very best to be patient with him. She will at least try. Besides, she is living in his house.
"What the hell is this?" she slightly panicked. Uchiha Sasuke is inside the kitchen! Wearing an apron!
"Breathe a word about this and I will kill you." He looked at her narrowly.
"What the hell is this?" she repeated, not feeling frightened about his threat.
Sasuke snorted. "I'm going to teach you HOW to cook." She was about to counter-attack his statement when he beat her to it. "Save it, shorty. You DON'T know how to cook. I will be gone doing missions after mission and when that time comes, I wont have time to cook for myself. And that's where you come in."
"So, in short, I'm going to be your personal chef?" she questioned, slightly irritated. Patience, Sakura, be patient.
"It's good to know that you still have your brain intact." He smirked.
PATIENCE! "Ha-ha, very funny, Uchiha."
"Shut up and start learning how to cook."
And guess what? They ended up eating at Ichiraku instead.
"Miso, please!" Sakura happily chirped. "What do you want, Uchiha?"
Looking away, he grudgingly answered, "Beef ramen."
"Cooking is fun, isn't it, Uchiha?" Sakura grinned at him like some sort of mental patient.
"You're un-teachable." He simply answered. "You're going to pay for the damages you made."
Sakura pouted. "Lighten up, will you? Your kitchen needs a little re-decorating anyway." she smiled again.
"Che."
If she just knew how to cook.
Fact no. 04: women are supposed to be COOKING good stuff
Meet Haruno Sakura! She will serve you the most gruesome dish you have ever seen! Try it! You'll receive a free ticket to the bathroom!
"Uchiha! Look! I baked you a pie! Come and devour this delicious food!"
Sasuke disappears.
"Huh? I swear he was just here a second ago." Sakura looks around. "Ah! Naruto! Look! I baked you some goodies! I know how much you just love to eat this stuff!"
"Ne, Sakura-chan…" Naruto shutters "I have to go—"
She shoves a spoonful of pie inside his mouth. And then…
THUD
"Naruto! Naruto! Speak to me! Oh my God! Naruto's dead!"
Behind the bushes, Sasuke cheers.
-
So far, this is my favorite chapter! YAY!
Make me happy!
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