Flowers
I pick a flower. Then another flower, because they're so beautiful. Then I drop the flowers, because I just killed them. I hate myself for killing the flowers, for destroying them. I always destroy everything. I want the flowers for Tohru and Yuki's wedding, but I don't want to bring them something dead, something I killed, something I destroyed. I pick the flowers up, slowly, gently. I dig a hole in the soft earth, and bury the flowers, whispering a prayer so they go to flower heaven. I chuckle at the thought, but shut up immediately. It was I who made these flowers die, and now I laugh at them. My hands drop to my sides as I look at the fresh grave. I feel ashamed.
I amble slowly down the sidewalk, head bent. I don't want people to stare at me, but the still do, and I feel cruel for wanting to make them turn away. I can look at them all I want, and they don't mind. Or do they? Maybe I disgust them so much that they don't want me to deprecate them with my eyes? My gaze itself must be some kind of blasphemy to the world. I think, not for the first time, that my presence certainly blemishes this earth. I would have done better never to come out of my mother's womb. I am a shame, an atrocity. And people still stare, probably thinking about how the sight of me ruined their day. My head sinks lower, and I quicken my pace. I am sure Tohru and Yuki won't even be happy to see me at their wedding.
Tohru insisted. She looked glad to see me. Maybe she even was. Deep inside me, hope blossoms. Maybe they won't mind having me there. Maybe they'll be pleased to receive my gift. I look at what I am carrying in my hands: a flower pot with two, beautiful yellow flowers, cheerful and alive in it. I'm imagining the expression on Honda-san's face when she sees the flowers: it's a happy one.
I know I'm fooling myself, and she'll probably be irritated; flowers have to be watered, and eventually they die and shed petals around the house, and maybe she doesn't like the smell, the color. But deep inside, I hope that she will like them.
I hope I can trust myself enough to give her this and see a smile on her face.
