Pouet!

Here's chapter 4! It's very short compared to the others, but you'll understand why at the end. I really couldn't stop the chapter at another time. Despite its short length I am extremely proud of this chap'.

Enjoy your reading.

JKD : Another reviewer, finally! I was starting to desperate :p. Thank you for your compliments, I'm really happy you liked the story, and I would be thrilled to what you have to say! I love Natsu's relationship with Gray too, like really love it. They are the best. Anyway, of course I can read this, why couldn't I ? Don't worry, you don't need to know French at all. I'm relieved to know my translation is good too. Thanks again, I hope you'll like this chapter too! Don't hesitate to tell me if it is :).


Chapter 4 : Symmetry

Despite the anxiety torturing his stomach for what he had decided to do that day, experienced at all times through the contact of his fingers on the book he held in his hand, Natsu was running towards the guild with a huge smile on his lips. The streets of Magnolia were barely waking up at this early hour of the morning, but even if the boy knew that his new home would still be drowsy or even asleep, he could not bring himself to wait another minute to get there.

Because for the first time since Igneel's disappearance, he finally had a place to come back to again, a place he could call "home".

It had only been seventeen days since he joined Fairy Tail, but despite the "small" negative note called Gray, Natsu already felt in his place as he had never felt in eleven months since his adopted father had abandoned him. After so long surviving on his own in the mountains and forests with hunger, thirst and cold as his only partners, every minute spent away from any presence became more stifling than the previous one, bringing him closer to the panic attack. It only was taking him a few hours then for the pain of loneliness, that he had already experienced all too much, to reach its maximum level. To relieve his little heart in need of company before it broke, he had no choice but to fill its holes with the presence of his new family as soon as possible. That's why he was always one of the first to arrive.

As soon as their faces appeared and smiled at him, the pain disappeared instantly.

And since Fairy Tail was healing his wounds, he was doing everything to heal its own, to be useful and make the guild blaze with joy. He knew better than anyone where the slightest misstep would lead him because he had already experienced it twice, and he would not survive a third occurrence, so he knew what he had to do. He would never be a burden to anyone again, even if it meant sacrificing everything he owned. He had no interest except for the prosperity of those around him and he would do everything to preserve it, it was now his only reason to live. Their happiness was making his.

Today again, he would devote himself body and soul to his reason for being. Make smiles explode, protect them the best he could so they never dry up, and make everyone as happy as they can be. Well, everyone... except one.

His relationship with Gray had not improved since their first meeting, and Natsu was increasingly affected by the hostility the other boy had towards him. What had he done to make him despise and hate him so much? The more he thought about it, the less meaningless it became. And the less meaningless it was, the more he thought he would never be able to end it. How could he fix things if he did not even know what needed to be changed? Gray undoubtedly considered him a threat but... a threat to what? To his honor, his happiness, his healing? Or maybe was he, in some way, already hurting him? And if so, how?

He had not talk to him to let him get used to his presence and develop his own opinion of him, get to know him well enough to realize, with a bit of luck, that he was not someone he should be suspicious of, without any result. Gray was going from bad to worse despite everything.

He was closing himself to others more and more every day, no one could tear off a single word from him, even to repel them. When someone tried to talk to him, he would only growl or make a glib gesture to dismiss them, never looking up from his reading. Natsu was the only one who was able, very unwillingly, to break his silence to pronounce obscenities.

When it came to making him understand that he abhorred his presence, Gray the impassive was replaced by another, aggressive and nasty one. Meals were the only time the two boys were within earshot, and the ice mage rarely did not throw an insult or two when Natsu opened his mouth. Of course, the others reacted to defend him, but he drew no satisfaction from it. Because every time this happened, the darkness in Gray's eyes seemed to intensify.

The more he insulted him, the more severely he was reprimanded.

The more severely he was reprimanded, the more he hated him.

And the more he hated him, the more he insulted him.

It was an endless cycle that he did not know how to stop. Resisting by hiding his pain behind even bigger smiles was not enough, and it was getting harder and harder to remain stoic in the face of the insulting nicknames Gray was having fun giving him when he spoke to him. Stupid, Good-for-nothing, Trash, Scrap, Dirtbag, Garbage, Detritus, Parasite... the whole dictionary of synonyms for "I hate you" had been used, or would be if he continued on this path, and the pain and anger Natsu felt at each occurrence grew accordingly. He was afraid that one day he would eventually lose it.

It was already surprising that he had resisted the temptation to cry or rebel against Gray's behavior until then, and he owed this feat to only two things.

Firstly, losing his new friends because he was too weak or combative was something he could not risk.

And secondly…

He had never forgotten the words that Gray and Makarov had shared the day of his arrival, let alone the tears that had been shed.

Every time he saw that boy over there, all alone at that big empty table, getting lost in his despair and reading books after books without talking to anyone, his heart tightened and only one adjective came to his mind: sad. It was too sad. He knew better than anyone else the ignoble pain of loneliness, so he knew that he was not isolating himself because he wanted to be alone as he claimed, it was impossible. He was isolating himself because he was in pain, because something prevented him from mingling with others. When he looked at him, he did not see that obnoxious kid who was just insulting and despising him. He saw the sad and desperate boy hiding behind, a child with a heart full of sleeping tears waiting to be awoken. Then anger evaporated instantly, replaced by an immense compassion. All he wanted to do was help him.

He had once tried, through a few tears and the worst anxiety attack he had ever experienced, not to go to the guild for a whole day to see if Gray's condition would improve. He had stayed by the river until late in the afternoon, fighting every second against the urge to silence the suffocating pain of loneliness crushing his lungs and the panic compressing his airway, almost blocking his breathing and accelerating his heart rate. His heart could not stand it though and he had found himself rushing into the guild hall like a cannonball, on the edge of asphyxia and dripping with sweat. The mages had rushed at him in a single crowd movement, bombarding him with their panic and worry, and thanks to a smile and a miserable excuse that had earned him to be called an idiot, he had been able to keep his secret.

He could not let such a weakness be revealed, or he would end up alone again. Anything that might lead them to reject him had to be kept silent.

Gray had then given him the darkest look he had ever thrown at him, as if he was accusing him of not being able to stop himself from coming to mess with his life, and Natsu had felt more useless than ever. The ice mage quickly had turned away from him with a disappointed and despicable sigh, narrowly missing the defeated and sorry expression the fire mage had displayed for a moment. He had not lifted his eyes from the book he was studying for the rest of the evening.

Natsu had understood then that his actions had only served to generate more hatred, and he had never repeated the experience. Gray would still hate him, no matter what he would do. He only needed one thing: for Natsu to disappear, purely and simply, from his life. And that, the weak child he was could not offer it to him.

Fairy Tail was vital to him. It was beyond his strength to stay away from it for more than a few hours, that day had proved it to him.

He had to find another way.

He had followed Erza's advice by staying away from Gray, but the more he did, the more he felt it was wrong. How could ignoring someone who was suffering before his eyes be right? Doing so only deepened the cleavage, maintained the hatred Gray had for him, and if he continued in this way he could probably no longer be saved. No matter how much he was told otherwise, it was his fault if his condition was getting worse, and seeing someone miserable because of him was more painful in his eyes than any insult or physical injury Gray could inflict on him.

That's why he decided that today would be different. No matter how many times he was going to be rejected, insulted or despised, no matter how many times he had to give up his pride and let himself be trampled on without retaliating, he would break the masks and lower all the barriers at all costs. If actions had no effect, words might have one.

Natsu stopped at the guild's threshold and laid his eyes on the book he was holding in his hands, determined.

Today, he will talk to Gray.


The afternoon was pulling towards dusk, and the mages were gradually starting to leave the guild hall, which had already almost emptied. All the adults except Makarov had already gone to their respective homes for the night as well as most of the children, but to Gray's great misfortune, Natsu, alias Microbe for today, was almost always the last to leave and tonight was no exception.

Since his discussion with Makarov and his tearful outburst, Gray had really tried to keep his promise and retain the hateful impulses haunting him as soon as his eyes landed on Microbe and each time that he had the opportunity to make that disgusting smile disappear from his face. He would sit at a table even further away from him every day and sometimes even move to another place when he got too close. He would try to concentrate on his books even when he felt the need to take a break, never answer anyone to avoid looking up and inadvertently running into even only his shadow, but all these precautions became useless as soon as lunchtime arrived and often, his urges took over.

None of them were old and experienced enough for Makarov to allow them to go on a mission, so all the children were fed and housed by the guild with the money the adults brought back from their own work. All the meals were therefore taken at Fairy Tail, around the same table, and even if Gray had insisted on eating away from anyone, especially since Microbe's arrival, the master had never let him and forced him to settle down with the others each time.

During these moments, he had nothing to divert his attention from the exclamations, shouts of joy or conversations of his guildmates except his plate, and noisy as he always was, Microbe inevitably ended up receiving one or two insults that Gray could not repress. The simple sound of his voice, full of a joy of living he did not deserve, blinded him with rage because he knew what always went with it: that hypocritical fucking smile.

The others may have been naïve enough to be fooled, but Gray was smarter than that. Microbe was hiding something behind his stupid way of being: he was playing with them, with him, he was sure of it. No one could be so stupidly happy without something in his head. He was smiling all the time, and in all circumstances. Gray was even sure that this creep would be able to smile at the corpse of an ant he would have crushed. After all, he was still smiling while he was suffering right next to him.

He was strutting around as if he was the king of the world, getting excited for the slightest futility, showing off his happiness to make fun of those who did not have one. If he had not been able to identify what had disturbed him so much during their first meeting at first, everything seemed clearer now. This warmth he had felt was one of a happiness that was not his, and the pain that followed the one telling him that he could never get it.

That day, Microbe had proved to him that he possessed what he would never have, and that his existence would thus be eternally superior to his own. That compared to him, Gray would never be worth anything.

He had even managed to put everyone on his side, to manipulated and convince them that he had nothing to blame himself for, that everything was Gray's fault, turning them against him. He was sure that they had begun to believe that he was only revealing his true personality, no one understood that he was not insulting him with a cheerful heart, that he was not satisfied with the suffering of people like Microbe was. He was the nice one in the story, and no one noticed.

Microbe had done his job well, and his famous smile became stronger as a result, each day wider than the day before. And Gray hated him for it, so much that even Deliora was leaving his thoughts when he laid his eyes on him. He wanted more than anything to reveal his true face in the open, but he was aware that acting impulsively and inundating him with hatred could no serve that purpose. His instinctive and compulsive insults and humiliations did not have the power to make his smiles disappear, they even had the strictly opposite effect.

The more he insulted him, the more his smiles widened.

The wider his smiles got, the more he hated him.

And the more he hated him, the more he insulted him.

It was an endless cycle that he did not know how to stop. Protecting himself from Microbe by insulting and belittling him was not enough to break his mask of hypocrisy.

He had to find another way.

He had followed Makarov's orders and left him alone as much as possible, but the more he did it, the more he felt it was wrong. How could letting someone manipulate others and make fun of them when he was the only one who realized it be right? Doing so only reinforced Microbe in his plans, giving him more power every day, and if he continued in this way he could probably no longer be stopped. No matter how much he was told otherwise, he was a threat to anyone, and seeing those who had offered him a roof being fooled in such a way was more painful in his eyes than any false pretense or fraudulent smile Microbe could inflict on him.

That's why he decided that today would be different. No matter how many smiles he had to endure, no matter if he had to abandon his silence and disobey the master, he would break the masks and lower all the barriers at all costs. If insults had no effect, threads might have one.

Gray stopped reading and closed the book with a sharp, determined gesture.

Today, he will talk to Natsu.


The time had come.

Natsu had spent the day fussing around, both excited and anxious to take action, and this moment had finally arrived. The evening was well advanced and the guild almost empty, as he had waited it to be. He could not find a better opportunity to talk to Gray, even though he would have preferred Erza not to be there if things got worse, or rather when they got worse.

He had noticed that she could not bear the fact that Gray did not want to talk to her anymore, see his condition get worse day after day, and that she was desperate to find a way to fix the situation. She seemed sadder and sadder as time passed, and Natsu would have liked to avoid causing her more grief by forcing her to watch what was likely to turn into an argument and separate them. Not to mention that it was now evident that unless he had a real discussion with him, the ice mage would never heal and their relationship would continue to destroy them both, bringing Erza along. She had to let him lead it to the end, no matter how violent their words were.

He had waited as long as possible in hope that she would return to Fairy Hills for the night, sparing her what was to follow, but the card game she had started with Levy and Cana, the two people still present except Makarov, Erza, Gray, and himself, was still not finished and Natsu had not the time to wait: Gray was about to leave. Or at least it seemed like it, as the ice mage had closed his book to stare at the clock hanging on the wall next to him.

For the second time exactly since their first meeting, their eyes crossed, and Natsu's fingers tightened strongly on the book he was planning to offer to Gray, his throat knotted with anxiety.

He swallowed hardly, hesitation making a smashing entrance into his whole being while Gray's eyes seemed to pierce him from side to side. He lowered his own to the ground and, fear in his heart, set them on the collection of tales for children that had cost him all his savings, holding it in his sweaty, trembling hands.

What if he was making a huge mistake by forcing things? What if he generated an irreparable situation? What if he said or did something wrong, that would sink Gray even more? What if he created more problems than he solved? What if after that, Erza and all the others never wanted to talk to him again, and asked him to leave because he had disobeyed and made Gray suffer?

What if... he ended up alone again?

His forehead was dripping with sweat and his lips were shivering horribly at this stage of panic, and his heartbeat accelerated inhumanly, depriving him of some of his air. He closed his eyes tightly, concentrating on the regularity of his breathing to calm its frantic rhythm and ward off the attack. He had to calm down, breathe, think of nothing. Now was the time to be self-confident.

He could do it.

Gray had already looked away from him when he reopened his eyes, and Natsu prayed that he had not seen his moment of weakness, or he was sure that everything would be over for him. Fortunately, Erza, Levy and Cana were not paying any attention to him and had not noticed anything, too busy exclaiming and having fun. And with Makarov in his office upstairs, the way was clear.

Natsu sighed with relief and took a deep breath of self-encouragement. His heart was still pounding, but he finally felt ready to take action and do everything possible to avoid making the slightest mistake. His eyes electrified by determination settled on Gray and finally, Natsu headed toward him, his gift well hidden behind his back.

Soon, his feet stopped beside the ice mage, who turned to him. Their eyes crossed paths again, and Natsu swallowed.

He could not turn back anymore.


This time you really must feel the problems coming. :p

I suppose you can understand why it stopped there and also where the title of the chapter comes from. I'm really very proud of it, both in terms of content and form. Actually, it wasn't really planned to be like that in the first place. I wrote Natsu's passage without question, and when I wrote Gray's, I realized that the themes addressed, even if they are treated differently as their character and feelings are, were the same and that I had more or less the same things to say as for Natsu's. So I took the structure of the sentences from Natsu's part for Gray's, hence the symmetry effect of which I am really proud:)

As for the content, now you know more about Natsu and how he is dealing with the whole thing and believe me, this is only the beginning of his development. It was important to highlight the main points of his evolution: his phobic fear of loneliness and being abandoned again, his willingness to help Gray and especially to do everything in his power not to give the guild any reason to let him down even if it meant sacrificing everything. I think that sums it up pretty well. Personally loneliness is something that really touches me a lot, his simple idea makes my heart hurt and imagining Natsu in a panic attack because he is terrified of being left alone really "hurts" me (in a good way).

As for Gray, his emotions towards Natsu only grow as he tries to hide behind gigantic smiles, which Gray takes for provocations. He understood that Natsu is hiding something, but is completely wrong about the reason why, which creates this huge misunderstanding. Which will cause big, big, BIG damage.

In the next chapter we really get to the heart of the matter and from there, no more respite. I hope you're prepared! It will also be much longer than this one.

I'll see you in two weeks for chapter 5 on June 9. And frankly, please... leave a review. Even just to tell me you like it because right now... it just gives the impression that everyone doesn't care about this story.

Tcha pouet!