Promises and Pain- Ch 4
Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine; James Duff, et al, has that lovely distinction.
A/N: Those scenes with Jack and Sharon were quite powerful. Tag to 3.17. I'm always happy to hear comments of any kind. Hope you enjoy!
~~~~~PT~~~~~
The drive back took longer than the hour but not nearly as long as in had taken her to get there. Still not hungry once she was home, she made more coffee and tried to plan dinner. For her and Rusty. And Andy, if things worked out as she hoped.
Taking her coffee mug into the living room, she sat on the couch. She could still feel Andy on her body. Feel how much she had wanted to be with him last night. Realized again that at some point the need had ended and she had only wanted him. Wanted to be with him. Remembered his whispered I love you. How her heart constricted. How I love you too had briefly crossed her mind. Before the panic set in. Before the fear of getting hurt by love again kicked her in the heart, twisting her words. I want you too. The pain in his eyes, when he looked up at her, before she tried to kiss it away. The pain on his face as he left. The end of her dream just before she woke up. I love you, Andy.
She needed to make this right.
Grabbing her purse and keys, she set out again. Andy's shift wasn't over yet so she had time to get something else off her chest. Jack. He didn't get to be the only one to speak. She had only thought of her children. This isn't going to fly with Ricky and Emily.
Rusty had stayed with him, talked some sense into him he'd told her that day. She had asked him for all the details and he had given them to her while she hid in her office at the end of the shift.
That is why she needed to clean by the time she got home. Erase him from her couch. From her condo. But he still thought he could be part of her life.
Their children were grown. She no longer had to play interference for them with their father. She had spoken up for her children but she hadn't spoken up for herself. It was about time she did. Especially after what she did to Andy.
Emily had told her where he lived and how to get there from her condo. During that Christmas holiday they spent together. All three of her children under one roof. Only Jack had wanted Emily to stay with him and of course she had. She mentioned little except she didn't like it. It was nothing like Sharon's condo.
For whatever reason she never figured out, she'd been given the directions from her place to his.
She had called. He was home.
Anger began to rise in her veins as she drove over there. Anger at him for everything he'd put her and the children through over the years. Anger at herself for letting him, for feeling sorry for him each and every time. Anger at him for going to her home causing the tidal wave that swallowed her and Andy.
He was glad to see her when he opened the door. He was glad he'd only had one bottle of wine so far. He wasn't drunk. Well, he wasn't too drunk. But he called her Shayrone and that was his tell. For a gambling man, he should've figured out by now he had tells. Her eyes blazed as she heard the pronunciation of her name. She stood just inside the entrance to his living room, purse still on her shoulder, hands jammed into her pockets.
"You're still drinking. You said you were going back to AA."
"It takes time, Shayrone, everyone can't be Andy."
The anger moved from only her veins to include her arteries now. "You leave Andy out of this. He's sober! And for almost 20 years."
"The tone, Shayrone, the tone."
"The slurs, Jack, the slurs." Oh yes, she was angry and hurt and sad. That remark was not kind but she'd let herself slide just this once. This was the imperfect Sharon. "You're in AA. You should be sober. At least you didn't come to my home again."
"Learned my lesson last time," he shrugged.
"Why'd you still have the key? Why'd you let yourself in?"
"You gave me the key. I used it to get in. No one answered."
"You were my husband. You are no longer my husband, Jack, therefore you do not get a key. You do not get to come to my home. You do not get to just drop by my office whenever you feel like it."
"What's got you in a tizzy? Shayrone, I think you need to sit down. I'll clear a spot for you. Want a drink?" Seeing the fire burn in her eyes, he added, "Bad joke, I know. But if you do want one, oh wait, I finished the bottle. You want the money? I didn't leave it in your office. It's here somewhere. Take it. I owe you."
Tears came to her eyes. She had hurt Andy for this?! "Oh my God, what have I done?" She covered her mouth with her hand to stop the sob.
"You regretting the divorce? Noticing the tears, "Hey, what's going on? The place isn't all that bad."
"You think I'd cry over the state of your apartment?" she asked in astonishment.
"Hey, hey, what's going on? The kids all right? What's the matter? You can tell me. C'mere, tell ole Jack what's making you so sad." He tried to caress her face but she blocked his hand.
Her eyes flashed a Darth Raydor glare at him. "Don't you dare touch me!"
Hands up in surrender, "Okay, okay, geez you're touchy today."
"How could you show up at my home drunk with gambling money?"
"To apologize and to give you some of the money I owe you. You know you did really well adjusting after the divorce. Me? Not so good."
"You don't get to blame me anymore. I am not the reason you drink. That divorce was a long time coming. I even gave you notice I was going to file. I am not responsible for your addictions." She choked back a sob. "You are an alcoholic, Jack, you."
"Andy's been explaining things, I see."
"Do not even speak to me about Andy."
"Touchy subject. Okay, off limits Andy. How 'bout Rusty? He off limits too? Cuz he made a lot of good points when I sobered up. He's a good kid actually."
"For a street rat, Jack, he's a good kid for a street rat hustler?"
"Yeah, about that, I'm sorry for saying that."
"My God, Jack, you're always so very sorry. That boy had to do the very same thing for his mother that he did for you. That part of his life is over and you selfishly brought it right back."
"I'm sorry, I really am. I didn't think."
"That's your problem, Jack, you never think about anyone but yourself. When are you going to stand up, pull yourself together, stop being selfish and stop blaming everyone else?"
"I'm trying, Shayrone, I really am. I get it this time. I lost you." He gave her his saddest look. She actually found herself wondering if he meant it this time or not. Or if this was like all the other times he'd said these same words to her.
"You lost my love a long time ago." The misty eyes were now tears that were blurring her vision.
"You still love me, Shayrone, don't lie to yourself. You've always acted like you do."
"Acted, Jack, I haven't loved you in a long time. I've felt sorry for you. I've loved you as the father of my children. I haven't loved you as my husband in a very long time."
"But those times whenever I stayed with you, we made love. Well, except for once you took Rusty in."
"No, we had sex. I wasn't going to date anyone while I was married but I sometimes had needs and you - …" The sob caught in her throat.
"I satisfied them. Wow. Okay. That's why you wanted it to be safe sex."
She sighed, "Our children are grown. You and Ricky and Emily can communicate without involving me. I'm not going to help you anymore, Jack. It's time you stood on your own two feet."
"Well, I'm certainly trying."
"Don't come to my home – ever. Don't come to my office unless it's absolutely necessary. I don't want you in my life as anything other than the father of my grown children and my ex-husband."
"Okay, understood, will do. But, Shayrone, what's got you so upset? So riled up?"
"Someone said I was like you. That you rubbed off on me. I am not like you, Jack." The sob escaped her lips.
"Hey, honey, you don't have to convince me. You are nothing like me. Whoever said you are is a damn fool. You haven't changed in all these years."
She took a deep breath. "I have changed. I'm not the same wide-eyed, naïve, innocent girl you married."
"Nope, that you're not. Being a cop, that'll kill the naïveté."
"You did, Jack, but I'm not like you. No matter how different I am from that girl I was on our wedding day, I am still not like you."
"No, you're not. No worries there." He really looked at her now. "No offense, Shayrone, but you're kinda not looking so great like you usually do."
"Thank you."
"Sarcasm, you still got it. So you must really care about this person who said that cuz you don't normally give a rat's ass what people say about you."
"When it's said after I've hurt someone, yes, Jack, I pay attention." She grabbed her purse tighter to her shoulder, took her keys from her jacket pocket and stood straighter than she already was. "I will never be like you. Go to AA. Stay sober. Do it for yourself and Ricky and Emily. I don't factor into it anymore," she hesitated, "if I ever did."
"You did, as much as I could manage it."
"Do not come to my home ever again. I had the lock changed. I've told Rusty not to let you in. If you show up and create a disturbance outside my door, the police will be called to handle it. We are divorced. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand, Jack?"
"You've moved on. Got it." That could be the only reason she's acting this way, he thought. She wouldn't be so riled up if she hadn't moved onto someone else already.
"Good-bye, Jack."
"Uh, yeah, uh, good-bye, Sharon, uh you take care now. I will never darken your doorstep again. It was good talking uh listening to you."
She drove home carefully, her blood only slightly boiling. She hoped she had gotten through to him but she still had that nagging feeling that she hadn't.
Once parked, she sat in her car crying. She had done it. Finally. And she had maintained her grace and her language throughout, for the most part. She had finally spoken up for herself and gotten her point across. Hopefully.
Going upstairs, she realized Andy would require a different tactic. She had to listen to him; let him be angry; let him be hurt. And then she wanted nothing more than to hold him, and let him cry if he so chose and maybe tell him she loves him. And hope they could move on from there.
[TBC]
