I didn't leave my house for probably three more days. I felt like I couldn't function, I was just so confused. My vacation days were running low and I knew that I was in no condition to go back to work. I was also aware that my tight-ass boss would most likely fire me at the first legitimate chance he could find. Therefore not only had Chloe successfully put my life on hold, she was making me nearly lose my job and was probably also weakening my few remaining friendships since I had no contact with anyone - and whatever interactions I did have were brief or unpersonalized.
I continued to slump around the house - tired, listless, uncertain – until there was a knock on my door. I answered it reluctantly, realizing I hadn't opened it in what felt like forever, and was surprised to see one of my friends standing there looking pretty unhappy.
Before I could speak a word Stacie pushed past me into my house. I sighed to myself before closing the door behind her, knowing that any sort of protest or argument I attempted to start would just cause more trouble in the long run. We had been friends since first grade, and although we've had quite a few falling outs over the years, out of everyone in the world – she knew me the best. Even more than my parents or any other member of my family.
"Beca, the fuck?" She asked me, storming into my living room and making herself at home on the nearest chair. Her glare was unwelcome but familiar. I followed her, deciding against sitting near her and instead sitting on the piece of furniture farthest away.
"What?" Was all that I could think of to say. I didn't plan on starting an argument if she gave me the option.
"What do you mean 'what'? Don't act like you have no idea why I'm here." She looked like she was about to murder me if I didn't say exactly what she wanted. This was one of the many times in our friendship when I wished I could read her mind. It would make things a lot easier.
Well, I kinda don't have any idea why you're here." Though it might not help with things, Stacie and I were always honest with each other, even when it might have done more harm than good.
She scoffed and rolled her eyes, "My ass you don't. Where the fuck have you been?! I haven't seen you in like a year!" That was an outrageous exaggeration. I wasn't entirely sure how long it had been, but that definitely wasn't the proper time.
Chloe was really ruining a lot of things regarding my life and she probably wasn't even remotely aware of it. I admit, it was mainly my inability to get her out of my head, and my bothersome hopes that for some reason made me think I had a chance with her that were causing the problems. But Chloe's mixed signals were far from helpful.
"I've been busy." That was a lame answer. And a clearly false one.
"I didn't come here for you to lie to me." Stacie said, crossing her arms indignantly.
Our eyes hadn't moved from one another's since we had sat down, and as a silence spread after her last words, the locked gaze got more intense. She hadn't stopped glaring since she barged in. I was worried her face would get stuck that way. Though I did my best not to let my expression show how I really felt - confusion, frustration, sadness, loneliness, and so many other negative emotions – eventually I knew I was going to lose all say in the matter. Stacie had a way with getting me to tell her whatever she wanted to know, no matter how determined I was to keep it to myself. I knew that some time during this conversation I was going to talk about Chloe. Would it be better sooner rather than later?
Finally, I sighed, showing Stacie that I had given in both with that exhale and by breaking our prolonged eye contact. I looked down at the floorboards, "At a show I went to a while ago I met this girl... this weird girl, and she's been bothering me ever since." That was too vague for her. I knew it.
"Bothering you how?" The fact that she had partially gotten what she wanted wasn't enough for her and she still sounded just as angry as she had before. I had learned from experience just to be patient with her.
Whatever lies I told would be detected by her, she saw through me like glass, so I would have to think of a way to tell her the truth without revealing what had happened. It would be difficult enough without a time limit.
"Like, she seemed really cool and the only thing she told me was her name, so I couldn't find her anywhere. I want to kind of become friends with her or something but she's never around." None of that was necessarily a lie.
Stacie still didn't look satisfied with the responses I was supplying, "And why exactly is this bothering you so much? You've been isolating yourself away from your friends just because some girl didn't tell you her life story at a show?"
When she put it that way it made me sound like a total idiot. She hadn't heard the whole story though. Then again, even if she had, I had a feeling that she still would have thought I was drastically overreacting. Honestly, I slightly thought that too. But I couldn't do anything about it. Chloe wouldn't get out of my head no matter what I did.
"No, I mean I just..." I really had no idea what to say to make her interrogation stop. Even though we were friends Stacie was a very judgmental person, and if she heard what had happened between Chloe and I she would definitely criticize me for it, "...she's really cool, Stacie."
Another silence followed that, this one even longer than before. It was becoming so tense and awkward that I finally forced my eyes to move to her again. She was staring at me, squinting, as if trying to read into what I had said. Unfortunately I knew that there was a very high probability she would detect exactly what I meant behind that. I could feel her prying, a familiar yet unwelcome feeling, and I was helpless to do anything about it. I just sat there, fidgeting uncomfortable, praying that she didn't figure it out. My prayers weren't answered.
"You dig her, don't you?" She asked. It didn't even really sound like a question, more like a statement.
At that moment I had two available options: lie and get found out, successfully embarrassing myself to a degree, or come clean even though that might be just as embarrassing, if not more. As soon as she said that I tore my gaze away from her and I could feel myself involuntarily blushing, which was apparently answer enough for her without me responding verbally.
"Wow, I guess this makes a emlittle /emmore sense now." I couldn't tell if that was sarcastic or not. But her angry tone had faded and was replaced with some other one that I couldn't quite determine the emotions behind, "I didn't know you were swinging for our team."
Now that I thought about it, throughout this entire ordeal with Chloe I hadn't once even registered the fact that she was a girl, and so was I. It just seemed normal, like how it would have felt if she was just some random guy instead. I didn't see anything weird about it, I hadn't even considered the fact that some people might thing it was weird because it came so naturally to me. I had no reluctance, no confusion regarding that aspect of the situation, and I hadn't even been mentally mulling over my sexual orientation because I had always thought that to be a bit excessive and unnecessary. Then again Stacie didn't know any of this. And even though I knew she wasn't homophobic I wasn't looking forward to her reaction.
I didn't say anything to this, now letting my emotional distress and uncertainty show through when I had previously been acting how I normally would have. I didn't know if she noticed or not, but I let my shoulders sag instead of holding them up and I let my frown become more bitter. Still I didn't look at her.
After a few minutes of awkward silence, it was broken when Stacie sighed heavily, "She must be pretty awesome to have gotten your attention so easily," She didn't sound angry at all now, which was only slightly relieving, "Now I wanna meet her too."
Finally, I forced myself to look back up at her. When our eyes met I could feel a lot of messages being conveyed through the gaze but at the moment I was in such an emotional stupor I couldn't even begin to tell what they were. For some reason I abruptly felt even worse than I previously had. We didn't say anything for a long time. Eventually I just sighed, burying my face into my hands.
"What about Luke?"
That one name was enough to make me almost just start screaming at her without hesitation. But with some difficulty I kept that back, instead revealing my face and glaring at her intensely. I got a bad taste in my mouth if he was even remotely mentioned. Stacie wasn't one to apologize or even to feel bad, but the look on her face showed me that she regretted bringing him up.
Nonetheless she attempted to defend herself or at least divert my anger, "I'm just wondering. I wasn't sure if you were over him or not..." She trailed off when my glare got more intense, "...I mean, it's great! If you are, moving on I mean. He was a total ass, you deserve way better, even if it is a girl, I mean that doesn't matter anyway gender is so overrated these days, I just mean he's usually around at shows and stuff and you might run into him at some point and you might be with her, or..." She could tell from my expression that it would be best if she stopped talking.
"Don't bring Luke into this. I don't need to be thinking about him right now." I told her, my tone acidic. She nodded vigorously.
"So... what are you gonna do about this girl then?" I was glad she was changing the topic, "Does she know that you like her?"
I opened my mouth to respond but then clamped it shut. Wondering if I would be able to talk any more about this without unintentionally revealing the... "interactions" we had. Unfortunately she noticed my avoidance of the question.
"Wait..." I tensed up at her knowing tone, "...something happened between you, didn't it?" I said nothing for minutes straight. She knew, again, that I was hiding something important. Naturally she jumped to conclusions, "What, so you... held hands?" I slowly locked eyes with her, shaking my head back and forth very very slightly, "...kissed...?" I didn't respond at all that time. I mean, sure, we technically had held hands and kissed but I knew that wasn't what she wanted to know. Though I wouldn't necessarily be lying if I told her yes, I would be lying if I told her that was all we did. I waited in awful anticipation as she continued to ask, "...made out...?" I looked down, cringing when she gasped theatrically, "...no. No you didn't."
I bit my lower lip, speaking cautiously, "And... what if I did..?"
Her reaction was as expected but that didn't make it any less embarrassing to experience. My cheeks lit up with a blush when she leapt from her chair in surprise, "You emdidn't!" /emShe had a smile on her face but her eyes showed just how shocked she was, "You fucked her?!" I found myself smiling as well, but only because of her ridiculous reaction, "Or, she fucked you?! Or you both fucked each- oh my emgod!/em" She moved to sit on the couch next to me.
"It wasn't..." My smile faded and I looked at my feet, "...It wasn't like that..."
What do you mean?" She sounded curious but still like she was shocked, nearly in disbelief. I just sighed, really wishing that I didn't have to talk about Chloe any longer, but knowing that Stacie wasn't going to leave it alone until I told her everything. She asked me another question, "What's this girl's name, anyways? Maybe I know her."
I shut my eyes, acquiring a throbbing headache seemingly out of nowhere, "Chloe."
Stacie gasped loudly, sounding even more astonished than she had before. I opened my eyes to look at her, raising an eyebrow, for some reason dreading whatever she was going to say next. My fear turned out to be justified in the end.
"Did she have red hair?" I nodded slowly, "Was she tan?" I nodded again, all of my attention entirely on her, "Did she have ridiculously blue eyes that made you wonder if she was wearing those eye color contacts?" I nodded, now terrified, becoming even more so when Stacie shook her head back and forth, "Oh fuck, Beca..."
"What?" I wasn't sure if I was prepared for her answer but I felt as if I needed to know. Maybe it would help me get out of this ridiculous attraction hangover thing.
"Beca..." Stacie's voice took on a tone that I recognized as one she used when telling me something I wouldn't like to hear. I tensed up when she put a hand on my knee, "I know Chloe. Or at least I know emof /emher. She's... well... how can I put this..." She thought for a few moments, "...she's a total slut." Ignoring my immense shock, she continued, "She's slept with like basically everyone that goes to shows, she always lingers around at bars and just picks someone out. And she emalways /emends up having sex with them at some point, whether it's that night, the next night, or whenever she really gets through to them." She looked into my eyes, sympathetic, "She's a tease, Beca... she's just a tease."
My mouth was held agape, feeling myself almost starting to cry. I simply couldn't fathom all of the information. My chest tightened. My face fell. My eyes stung. Stacie noticed. She noticed everything.
"Um... look I'm sorry. Maybe I should have worded that differently. But you know me, I'm brutally honest... but hey, I came here to get you to start coming to more shows. And I want you to come to one tonight. Please."
Honestly I really didn't want to.
But I knew that there was no saying no to Stacie. Not when she was this clear on her intent.
