Chapter 4 Priorities
Sakata Gintoki woke up in the room of a love hotel, drooling on the cushion of a bed with bordeaux-colored, silky sheets. He had slept in his clothes and his hair was a mess. Moaning, he sat up and felt a strong headache drill itself through his skull. On top of that, he felt like throwing up. He lay down onto his back again and let his gaze circle the room. Oh, what the hell happened?
He thought back to what he could remember. Ah right, he had gotten drunk after stalker Toshi had had the nerve to kiss him. He had been picked up by someone and had been brought here. Also aforementioned Toshi - though he had kind of turned into a playboy at that point. Gin held his head and breathed slowly. Right, right and then… He got queasy again. Yeah, he had almost hopped on the bastard cop's **** in a flash of unsupervised horniness. Ashamed, he closed his eyes. Wow, was he glad that didn't happen. Also, as far as he realized, there was no trace of Hijikata anywhere. That was kind of a relief.
His eyes were pinned against the ceiling and the hangover made his thoughts spin. Just how much longer would this nightmare continue? He could have cried. The horror. Honestly, that was Okita's worst joke so far. And he would pay for it. Somehow, in the most horrible way imaginable, he would pay for it. Gin wasn't sure of how to do it, yet, but he would definitely get his revenge. How dare he put that mayo freak onto him, anyway? And even saying they'd be a cute couple all the time on top of it all!
Gintoki blushed a little without realizing it. He snarled. Nonsense. All of this. It was time the nicotine freak got this stupid drug out of his system so poor Gin-san could live his life in peace again. This arc needed to end soon, or else he'd turn insane.
"I'm home." He yawned and sat at the entrance, taking off his shoes.
"Welcome home!" Kagura yelled half-heartedly, her eyes fixed on the TV, chewing a strip of sukonbu between her lips.
That girl really had no manners. But well, that's what he liked about her. The silver-haired man went inside and looked around. Everything seemed normal. He wondered where he was…
Kagura eyed him suspiciously, squinting her eyes.
"What?" Gintoki asked exhaustedly as he went to the fridge to get a pudding.
"Where have you been?"
"Why do you ask?" he replied with a blanked expression. Man, he had one hell of a hangover.
Her eyes narrowed even more while she was munching and swallowing her seaweed. "You didn't come home last night. Where have you been?"
"Ugh… I don't wanna talk about it."
The redhead had a weird look on her face. "Gin-chan… did you **** with Toshi?"
Gintoki glared at her angrily, taking a spoon and carton of strawberry milk. "Who taught you such language!"
"You did!" She pouted and crossed her arms. "Gin-chan! I know I said he could do anything with you, but I hope you didn't get him pregnant! I'm too young to be a grandma!"
He growled and ate his pudding in one go. "My god, you really don't know the first thing about this, do you? Well, that's fine, I suppose. Still, nothing like that happened so leave it be."
"I didn't raise you to be such a playboy! Today you will stay at home! I wanna watch the new episodes of Dragonball with you!"
"Believe me… I would've come home if I could've…" He mumbled and then smiled. With her stern expression she almost looked like a mother would. Sometimes, she really was cute. After all this mess, he honestly looked forward to watching it with her. "Alright, alright. I'll stay home with you. Just let me take a bath first."
Her smile was as bright as the sun and she celebrated fiercely. "Yaaay!"
Happily, he emptied the strawberry milk and threw it in the trash. Wow, he really craved a bath. He wanted to wash these past days off his skin like dirt. From his room he took a fresh bundle of clothes and strolled into the bathroom. Still exhausted from the night before, he sighed and opened the door. Soaking in the hot bathtub for a while, yeah… that sounded nice…
"Hyaaaaaaaahhhh!" A scream almost made him deaf. Dumbfounded, he looked up only to gaze upon a naked man standing in front of him. Soap was sliding down his body as the man stared upon him with an expression of blank horror. His cheeks grew deep red as he felt the Yorozuya look at him.
"What do you think you're doing? Pervert!" A nude Hijikata Toushirou tried covering his body while throwing a brush and then a tube of shampoo at him.
Sakata Gintoki, however, still stood unmovingly in the threshold of his bathroom, his expression blank. As the shriek got more high-pitched and a splash of water hit him, he almost cried. Of course. How could he dare to think for even one second that he could get some rest? Just… just what had he done to deserve this? Honestly now…
As the bathing stool hit him, his nose began to bleed from the impact. He started trembling, clenching his fist and felt the frustration dwelling up again. But before he could get up and scream it out, he was thrown out of the bath by a killer kick. Wheezing, blood splashing from his mouth, he glanced up to see a pissed off Kagura towering over him. She gawked at him unforgivingly. Her fists ready to punch, her foot stomping down on him.
"Oi, rotten bastard! Whatcha doing to Toshii? Spying on someone in the bath… damn hentai."
Gin began to fret and fume. "What the hell? I wasn't spying! This is my bath, my home, damnit! What is he doing here anyway? And why didn't you tell me he was in the bath in the first place?!"
"Tsk!" The girl spat. "Shifting the blame to someone else? Typical! But as long as I'm here, I will protect Toshii from you pervert!"
"Protect him from me? If anything, you should protect me from him! And why are you on his side anyway?!"
"Toshii gave me food and made me ice cream!" She crossed her arms. "So I'm gonna stand up for a fellow girl in need."
"He's a man, goddammnit!"
"That doesn't make it okay to peep on him!"
"Grah!" Frustrated, Gin got up and tore his hair. "I'm surrounded by crazy people!" All he craved for was a bath, for Pete's sake!
"Kagura-chan…" Toshii crouched behind her, but still over-towered the small girl. His head was bloodshot and the embarrassment was written on his face for everyone to read. He had a towel wrapped around his hip now, but there was still soap in his hair. "D-Don't be angry. It's not his fault. I… I just didn't pay attention."
She crossed her arms and spat out of spite. "Don't apologize Toshii! You didn't do anything wrong. Honestly, I don't recall raising such a pervert. You´re a disgrace!"
"It's your fault for not giving me a heads up, Kagura!" The man now wet in his clothes fumed.
"No, I'm sorry." Hijikata seemed utterly ashamed. He glanced at him with a shy look. "I'm sorry, Sakata-kun… It's just… I woke up in the streets and had nowhere to go, so I… I…"
Gintoki grimaced while looking at his shy face. What was happening now? Did he turn into some kind of uke? What was he so bashful about? It crept him out. He didn't have time for that. "Fine, then finish your bath and get the hell outta here!"
"Gin-chan!" The china girl protested. "How heartless can you be?"
"Tsk!" Annoyed, he turned around and walked into the living room. "Shut up, both of you! This is my home and I can do whatever I want. So cut me some slack and give me some privacy for once!"
While the little alien girl spat with her guardian, a timid Hijikata looked to the side. "It's… it's okay Sakata-kun… I'll leave. I won't bother you anymore."
"Finally!" He threw the bottle of shampoo right back at him. "Then hurry the hell up!"
The man nodded, clearly still embarrassed and Kagura obviously didn't seem happy with that. Gintoki didn't care anymore. He disappeared into his room and slammed the sliding door shut. Silently cursing, he got out of his wet clothes. Since when was this little turd teaming up with his enemies? Sure, she had been taken a liking to the Shinsengumi officer for quite some time now, but still! Wasn't she supposed to be on his side? Honestly, he couldn't take it anymore. He didn't need this! Those people were driving him crazy!
He sat in the dark, coiled up like a snail.
His arms were tangled around his knees as he pressed them against his aching chest. Sadness took the best of him and left him aimless, desperate and heartbroken. His heart was beating heavily, making him drowsy. A lonesome tear swelled up inside his eye and he brushed it away bravely. With all his might, he suppressed a hick and tried to breathe normally. It had never seemed as hard as this.
What the hell was he doing? He was acting stupid. He needed to keep it together. If he continued to walk this path, he would never want to see him again. Hijikata closed his eyes and held his breath for a second, rubbing off his tears on his clothes. What was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to look him into the eyes now? …How was he supposed to make him realize what kind of feelings he held towards him? How could he tell him… he loved him?
Thinking of the silver-head's smile made him all flustered up. The thought of his beautiful pale, dark, red eyes worsened the blushing so much his head became an intense red. This was more than a simple crush. This was more than a teenager falling in love with the hot senpai. Though Gintoki certainly was out of his league. He was strong and funny and so handsome, it almost made him faint. Jittery, he tousled his hair and shook his head.
When sadness overpowered him, he grabbed his chest and held back more tears. He was so in love with him, he didn't know what to do. He kept thinking of him day and night. He couldn't get him out of his head for even one second. And with every minute, the pain grew stronger until the longing got unbearable. He just wanted to be with him. Just be at his side and watch him smile. He wanted to make him understand how he felt. That Gintoki meant the world to him. That he would die for him. That a life without him didn't matter, that the thought alone was agonizing. That he longed for a kiss of his lips with every fiber of his body. He just… wanted him to see him as he truly was.
Tears started swelling up once more and he buried his head between his knees. He knew he shouldn't try too hard. He knew he shouldn't rush things. He knew Gintoki needed space and time for himself. If Hijikata allowed the yearning to get the better of him, it was over. No, he needed to be patient. He needed to slow down.
Maybe it really was for the best to keep his distance for a while…
.
With a loud noise the door was torn open. A ray of light dazzled him and forced him to blink. Before him, Sakata Gintoki stood very much unamused, staring at him with an expression that was both unfazed and annoyed.
"G-Gintoki-kun!" Hijikata's face grew blank with embarrassment.
The man didn't even know how to respond. It wasn´t like he hadn't expected something along those lines, but hiding in his bedroom closet? Come one…
"It's-it's not like you thin-"
With a frightening aura oozing out of his body, he lifted his arm to grab him.
"Hyaaa!" Startled, Hijikata crouched down in defense, expecting the worst while still being happy he was about to be touched by him.
Though that didn't happen. Instead, the samurai pulled his futon out of the closet and turned around mumbling. "Damn stalker."
Even more surprised, still having tears in his eyes, the former policeman looked up. Gintoki tried to ignore him, spreading out his futon to get to sleep.
"G-Gintoki-kun!" he mumbled, coming out of the closet now to sit very formally on the tatami mats. "I… I'm sorry."
"Tsk!" He was pissed off, but he seemed to have calmed down significantly. "Tell that to the hand because the face doesn't listen." Yes, Gintoki was infamous to be an old man lagging behind modern language.
Fidgety, the dark-haired man sat on his legs and looked nervous. "P-please don't be mad at me. I… didn't want to make you angry."
"Just save it. I'm getting tired of this."
Timid, the man looked up, but couldn't bare looking at his face for long. "S… sorry… I… I just wanted to be by your side."
Sakata Gintoki moaned, holding his head. "Do you actually listen to yourself? Really… this is even worse than the time you were an otaku. And this guy died, remember? I was at his freaking funeral. You weren't half as annoying back then, you know that?"
Annoying. This word cut deep into his heart and a few tears popped out, rolling down his face. The twenty-something boy with the blue eyes sniffed, trying to hide it and failed miserably.
"Yes, that. Right there!" Gin pointed at him reproachfully. "Get yourself together man. Ain't exactly a pretty sight."
But instead, Toushi started crying even harder, wiping his tears away with the back of his hand. A futile attempt.
The Yoroyuza looked down to him and crossed his arms. He was gritting his teeth and suppressed a growl. Man, this was getting surreal. He couldn't stand seeing his tears. It triggered his born instinct to do something about it. He hated that. Still, he was as stubborn as ever and turned away.
"Don't cry dammnit! This is pathetic, even for you."
"I… I'm sorry…" He whispered, his voice whiny and cracking under the tears. "I'm trying, but it won't stop…"
Wordlessly, Gintoki eyed him. There had only been one time he had caught this guy crying. It had been when his dear Mitsuba had died. And even then he had been too reluctant to admit it. He had been eating a spicy cracker, blaming his tearing eyes on it. Hijikata Toushirou was a prideful man. Gin knew this because he had been there, sitting on the other side of the roof, eating spicy crackers as well. The silver-haired samurai's chest grew tight and he felt this feeling creeping up again. Damnit at all…
"G-Gintoki… kun… please… I… I just want to talk to you. …Could I… stay for a bit?"
He didn't reply, just stood and stared. His heart was beating faster seeing this pitiable excuse of a man. This wretched shadow of a brave warrior. This sorry excuse of Hijikata Toushirou. He couldn't watch. Yet, he also couldn't look away. Instead, he leaned his back against the wall saying nothing.
As a few moments passed without a word, Toushi spoke again, his voice trembling with fear. He still stared at the straw mats underneath him and tried not to shed more tears. "I… I'm sorry to bother you like this. It seems I'm not able to think straight. Something must be wrong with me. I… I can't really explain it myself."
The dark-haired man gulped and attempted to smile, but failed miserably. "I don't know what it is, but… something's messing with my head. What should I do? …Whenever I see you… my heart begins racing. Whenever I'm with you… I start sweating and growing incredibly scared to say something stupid." A trembling chuckle. "Just… just like right now."
While his crush said nothing, the drugged man shook his head. "I'm not my normal self when I'm around you. I'm getting desperate. I want to be with you. I want to be around you. I don't know why. I just… feel so happy when I'm with you. When you smile at me, it's like… I don't need anything else in this world…"
Gintoki's head dropped a bit because he didn't want him to see his face. He started to feel woozy. Hijikata's words cut right through him, just like Tama's piercing look. With every word his pulse rose until it beat uncontrollably inside his chest. He knew it was fake. He knew this wasn't a real confession. But still, something moved inside of him. He could relate to these feelings more than he wanted to admit.
"Gintoki-kun… I… I know you don't want to hear that and… you surely see me as nothing else but a bother. But…" Toushirou closed his eyes and clenched his fists. "…I'm… I'm in love with you."
No, he was not.
This wasn't the real Hijikata Toushirou who confessed to him. He was drugged. He didn't actually have feelings for him in this kind of way. This wasn't real. This wasn't the real deal. And suddenly, Gintoki felt the pain and the disappointment ravage through his heart. This just sucked.
"I'm sorry, but I can't keep it to myself anymore. I'm… I'm in love with you." The mayonnaise enthusiast had a shattered smile glued to his lips and tears painting his face red.
Just for a brief moment, Gin smiled too. And it was far more wrecked than whatever this sorry actor in front of him could ever pull off. The next thing he knew, he took a step towards him and his eyes went hard. Just as his voice. "You know why I still know you're under the influence of this damn potion?"
The kneeling man looked up to him, unable to grasp the hurt hidden inside his posture.
"Because the real you never even once called me by my full name. Let alone something like Gintoki-kun."
"I… I…"
"Get out of my sight." It sounded harder than he had intended. Still, he turned away. He couldn't take this any more. "Besides…. the Hijikata Toushirou I know would never behave like you do now. Sure he is an idiot… but a different kind." He felt his breath stop for a second. He would take the mayonnaise addict with the throbbing vain above this guy any day.
"Gin… Gintoki-"
"Of all versions… you're the worst." His eyes closed and he tried holding his emotions in. It was easy to exploit an obedient housewife and it was easy to beat an annoying stalker to a pulp. But it was impossible to endure the tears of a man who had been at his side for so long now. Enemy or not. He wanted the normal version of him back. He couldn't bear watching this fake twist his words. "Get out. Now."
Teardrops dripping down to the ground, the man rose and looked heartbroken. Gintoki didn't watch. He just couldn't. And as he heard the footsteps followed by the soft shutting of a door, his head dropped.
Damn it at all…
