A/N: It's here at last! This chapter I wanna dedicate to Kasumi, 'cause she asked me to. Needy friend, that Kasumi. Also, because unknown to her, she gave almost all the ideas for this sucker. And this too goes to them three classmates that wouldn't rat me out during Chemistry. I have the impression it's kinda bad… But I get that impression from everything I write. My self-esteem sucks.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I'll slit my wrists with a spoon now.


Meet The Uchihas

Chapter 4: Fishcake, Cousins, & Showers


The door swung open, and a sing-song voice called out, even though it was completely unnecessary, being in the same room.

"OH, SASUKEEE!"

"Shisui!" A second, somewhat angry voice, whispered harshly "Be quiet! You're gonna wake S'uke up, and I'm not gonna fight his morning wrath for you!"

"The whole point of yelling is wakin' Sasuke up, Tek." Shisui answered "And s'not like it's gonna work anyway, so stop being such a baby. Rave' wouldn't wake up if a bulldozer was going over him, and you know it."

"He may be a heavy-sleeper, but what about Goldilocks down here?" A third voice, sounding considerably lazier and nonchalant than the first two, asked. A fourth party groaned.

"Don't even mention the damn blonde." Naruto was absently surprised that it was Itachi's voice the one speaking. The third voice huffed softly "He looks like he's been in a street fight."

Someone snickered "Smells like drama! Take an up-close of the guy, Nabs!" Shisui commanded. There was a brief silence, before Shisui snapped again "Inabi! Don't go all narcoleptic now!"

"I'm sorry…" Inabi, the third voice, yawned "…I can't help it. It's a medical condition."

"Don't you dare use the 'medical condition' excuse again," Shisui threatened "Or I'm getting' a new cameraman."

"Whatever," The voice that had been dubbed as 'Tek' mumbled "Someone looks like they hate someone else's guts. What's the matter with Blondie, 'Tachi?"

"For starters, he has no shame."

"I'm sure we've done worst!" Shisui stated confidently.

"Would you fuck Sasuke in your car before meeting his family for the very first time?"

There was a slightly awkward silence to follow "…Uh… No… Because a: I am his family. B: I don't have a car, and c: that'd be incest, and maybe it's like, the new trend and all, but I don't do trends, so…"

"Well, that's exactly what this guy did." Itachi said and there were surprised gasps all over the room.

"He fucked his cousin in his car before meeting the family he already knew?!" Naruto couldn't tell if Shisui was being sarcastic, or if he was naïve --and stupid-- like that. But either way, he could feel the Uchiha Death Glare™ that was being sent his way.

"No shame, indeed," Inabi said, and there was the sound of a camera zooming "Let me take a good shot of him, will you?" There was some shuffling, and 'Tek' spoke again.

"Is that all that wrong with the guy?" He asked "No shame? 'Cause that's kinda stupid, considering you have no shame, and we have no shame, when the time's right for it."

"That's not all, Tekka." Itachi answered, sounding slightly exasperated "Do you really think I'd base an entire opinion on someone else on just the fact that he has no shame at all?"

"Yeah."

"Wrong answer!" Itachi exclaimed, and by the sounds that followed, he had punched Tekka square on the stomach "I wouldn't. If I'm gonna save my foolish little brother of the bad decisions he makes, first I gotta have some good arguments to make him see it was a bad decision and not just my fan girl-fuelled paranoia(1)." All the Uchihas shuddered at that "Also, he called Mother a MILF."

Inabi snickered.

"What's so fucking funny?" Itachi demanded to know, and Inabi tried to stop laughing, but only made it half-way through "Oh, nothing. Just you, windin' up over Auntie Miki being called a MILF."

"Explain that."

"Oh, come on," Inabi said, somewhat teasing "You are aware of that the only reason kids in the neighbourhood bothered to be friends with you was because she was such an eye-candy, aren't you? And she still is, if I may say so."

"You may not," The Uchiha Death Glare™ was back-- couldn't the guy go through one hour without using it?

"It never bothered you before," Shisui pointed out "That is, 'till at your thirteenth birthday, you heard Ma saying S'uke was going to be just like Auntie Miki when he grew up. And ever since, you scared all kids away and became the most overprotective big brother in History."

"Did you hear what those kids said about doing to Mother?!" Itachi protested angrily "I wasn't let them start think like that about Sasuke--"

"--Anyway, back to the Goldilocks thing," Tekka interrupted with a breathy, pained voice, still suffering over that punch Itachi had delivered "I think the MILF issue falls on the 'no shame' argument, so you're left with one again."

"If you want me to punch again so badly, you just gotta ask for it…!"

"Is there something else, Little Weasel?" Shisui mocked "Or you hate the guy so you have something to do this Christmas?"

"His name's Uzumaki Naruto." Itachi informed them smugly, and the statement only met a heavy silence.

Then laughter erupted.

"H-he's, he's called 'fishcake'?!" Inabi gasped out "This moment has to be recorded… Audience, meet 'fishcake'!"

"Sasuke's dating food!" Tekka announced "That's so awesome!"

"And everybody in this house who doesn't know it has to know!" Shisui decided, and Itachi allowed himself to chuckle a little bit.

Naruto thought it was wise now to let himself be declared as awake.

"Yeah, yeah, how funny. Stop it."

Sasuke's room had that fourteen-year-old emo/punk/screamo boy edge to it; the same Naruto had met when the brunette left Oto for Konoha and its better education. It, of course, had its flashes of childhood, like the once-white teddy bear with a crimson ribbon the blonde found under the bed, or the model of a plane hanging from the ceiling. Posters of different bands and movies covered the walls, almost leaving no square inch of it uncovered, but Naruto managed to catch that the original colour was baby blue. Resting on the nightstand, there was a photo of Sasuke's parents and Itachi with Sasuke, a lamp, and an old dirty baseball ball with an unreadable signature.

Naruto wondered what it would've been like to meet Sasuke when he was eleven, or thirteen, and had the odd feeling that they would have hated each other even more, and probably even been tighter than now, if that had been possible.

After eating the leftovers, they stood by the window, holding each other and mumbling sweet nothings --insults and teasing, in their cases-- as they watched it start to snow again. In this position it had been that Sasuke remembered they had left their entire luggage in the car.

So in the same snow Naruto had been admiring, he had to go out to retrieve the bags, thanks to Sasuke acting like a damsel in distress, and saying that it couldn't wait until tomorrow, and that whoever the knight in shiny armour on call was, would get a prize for his efforts.

As soon as their bags were in the same place that they were, Naruto and Sasuke changed into their pyjamas, and then the former proceeded to attempt to strip the other, who refused to do anything with him that night. Naruto had, of course, protested, saying that he wanted to claim his prize now. Sasuke promised he'd give him his prize tomorrow, kissed him sweetly as a reassurance, and then pushing the blonde to the improvised bed, AKA the mattress.

Naruto was instantly asleep, with the blankets covering him up to the ears. He was assaulted by another strange dream, this time with the Little Red Riding Hood.

He was obviously, the Little Orange Riding Hood, and instead of his grandmother's house, he was visiting his love, Sasuke, to claim his already-postponed prize. On the way, he met the Big Bad Sakura, who wanted to have a threesome with Sasuke and the Little Orange Riding Hood. Being possessive as he was, Little Orange Riding Hood said no, but Big Bad Sakura was determined to get her threesome, so tricked Little Orange Riding Hood into going through the forest, therefore she got to Sasuke's house first, and tried to convince him. When he said no, too, she knocked him out with her famous left and raped him, and when Little Orange Riding Hood got there, she tried to rape him as well, but luckily, he was saved by Hinata the Woods-woman, who called Big Bad Sakura a bitch and started cat-fighting with her, effectively distracting her, and letting Little Orange Riding Hood to claim his prize.

But before he could get on with it, the slamming of a door woke him up, and he was now staring up to four pale faces, one unsurprisingly hateful, two staring back curiously, and one looking through a digital video camera.

"Good morning, sunshine!" The guy with wild ebony hair just past his ears, whose voice's Naruto immediately recognized as Shisui's, chirped "So, your name's really 'fishcake', or 'Tachi made that up?"

"I'm Naruto," The blonde answered warily, sitting up on the mattress and rubbing his ocean blue eyes "Who're you?"

"We're cousins," Tekka, who turned out to be a guy with long ebony hair down to the shoulders and a grey beanie on, said, and then motioned to each one of the males in the room as he spoke "Shisui, Tekka, Inabi, and I'm guessin' you already know Itachi."

Unfortunately, Naruto and Itachi thought simultaneously.

"Nice to meet y'all," The blonde offered them a grin "What time is it, cousins?"

"Like six am."

"WHAT?!"

On the other of the country, Konoha more specifically, in middle of her slumber, Haruno Sakura's emerald eyes snapped open and looked around her dorm room frantically, convinced she had just heard her medicine major peer and half-love-rival-half-friend, Uzumaki Naruto, screeching. She shook her head and said member met the pillow again, as she brushed it off as a dream induced by all the popcorn she had eaten at the movies last night.

"What the fuck are you doing up so fucking early?!" Naruto exclaimed, torn between feeling furious or just plain shocked.

"We always wake up around this time," Inabi cocked his head to the side, somewhat confused at Naruto's violent reaction "Not like it means anything to me-- I fall asleep during the day all the fucking time…"

"He's narcoleptic, and it's really cool." Shisui said, pointing to Inabi, who nodded.

"And we got to this extension of the Uchiha territory," Tekka started, speaking of Oto as if it was a kingdom and the Uchihas were the royal family "Like, right now. So why do you look like a goldfish?"

"That's easy," Shisui smirked sarcastically, and Naruto noted a mild resemblance to Sasuke there "He is a fishcake, and goldfishes are fish."

Sasuke stirred and groaned softly.

"Well, whaddya know!" Inabi turned the camera from Naruto to the brunette in the bed "There is a way to wake up Rave' without using any cold water!"

Tired onyx eyes, clouded with sleep and only half-lidded blinked up to them, hopelessly unfocused.

"Time?" Was the first thing that came out from his lips. Tekka answered him "Six in the morning, S'uke."

"Are you fucking kiddin' me?" Sasuke asked in a slurred voice "S'too fucking early for me to fucking deal with your fucking shit. Let me fucking sleep, damn it." Sasuke turned to the wall, and apparently resumed sleeping.

"He was always a zombie when he woke up," Inabi commented "But he didn't mind if it was six o'clock or noon. Whatever happened to our Little Raven?"

"Yeah, that'd be my fault," Naruto rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly "I thought going to sleep at two am and waking up at five am wasn't healthy for him, so I taught him how to sleep in. And he kinda liked it a lot."

"So, not only you're shameless, a dumbass who won't think before talking, and a perverted fishcake," Itachi said, rubbing his chin as if thinking "You're also a bad influence! Ah, that's fucking great!"

A vein throbbed at Naruto's right temple "I was worrying over his health!"

Itachi shrugged "It never affected his health before, so why would it now? The way I see it, you ripped off the world of one of its few and proud morning people."

The blonde wanted to protest, and say that Sasuke wasn't a morning person to begin with, but nothing came out of his mouth and he just stared in bewilderment at the other awoken Uchihas, but they just looked at him with indifference mixed with amusement.

"I'm sorry, Uzumaki," Inabi apologized, but one could tell by the tone of his voice that he wasn't sorry for real "But we find it hard to defend a guy who's called something as ridiculous as 'fishcake'."

Naruto pouted cutely "W-well, nothing he…" He pointed to Itachi, who pointed himself, feigning being innocently confused "…Said about me is true! I'm no dumbass!"

"Yes you are, dumbass," Sasuke mumbled sleepily "Now shut the fuck up."

"Asshole!"

Shisui rolled his eyes "They get along great." Tekka nodded and smiled at his older brother.

"You know what they say-- 'who loves ya will kick ya in the nuts'."


After lots of begging, three death-threats, and a juicy bribe that hurt Naruto's pocket, the blonde had fell on the mattress and closed his eyes, with all the intentions of falling asleep again, and stay like that until eight, at the very least of it.

He remembered when he met Nara Shikamaru, back at the first day of college, and how amazed he had been with the lazy genius ability to be sleeping, being woken, and carry on sleeping. Naruto remembered, too, how envious he had been of his friend at his own lack of the very same skill.

So, unable as he was to go back into his wicked and twisted version of dream land, Naruto found himself some entertainment on Sasuke's stuff. He explored around the room, examining and touching everything he encountered, before accidentally tearing in half that really old shirt, and thinking it wise to stop.

Again bored, his newest source of fun became Sasuke himself, and he molested the brunette enthusiastically, getting all kinds of lovely sounds from the unsuspecting Uchiha.

It was a great thing Sasuke was such a heavy-sleeper-- otherwise, Naruto would've been in lots of trouble, when things got… Messy, for lack of a better word.

He expertly covered the stains left on Sasuke's bed with the extra woollen blanket of his mattress, and prayed he would be too dazed and confused(2) when he rose to notice.

Naruto noticed then that he was hungry.

He didn't want to go downstairs. After the fuss he had made over the early-rising habits of the Uchiha mansion and how much he hated them, going down when it was still so early would be admitting defeat, and Uzumaki Naruto didn't admit defeat, simple as that.

Yet, somehow, here he was, going down the stairs and trying to remember which one was the way to the kitchen.

And basically, admitting defeat.

It was all his growling stomach's fault.

"Will you take a look at that! Fishcake!" Shisui exclaimed the second Naruto went through the kitchen's door, looking at said blonde through what he could swear was the same digital video camera Inabi had had back at Sasuke's room "What made you decide you'd join us in our early ways?"

"That I didn't want to die from inanition(3)," Naruto answered with his foxy grin, sitting across from Shisui. He turned to the woman by the stove "Mornin', Mikoto-san."

"Didn't I tell you to just call me Mikoto?" She asked him with a warm smile, tilting her head a bit to glance at him "Good morning. Do you want some breakfast?"

The grin widened "Right on."

Mikoto went back to the stove, and by the smell, Naruto realized it was bacon. Yummy. He looked at Shisui, swinging one arm on the back of the chair he was sitting on "Where did the rest of the pack go to?"

"Tek and Nabs are helpin' our old man unload the truck," He answered, lifting his eyes from the camera to make some eye-contact "My Ma went to store to buy some ingredients to make fruitcake, and 'Tachi is talking to Uncle 'Gaku at his studio, I think."

Naruto's eyebrows shot up together. He had never been able to raise just one like all these Uchihas seemed to do all the time "Why aren't you helping your dad?"

Shisui rubbed the back of his neck "Had an accident a few weeks back in Tekka's new car. Sweet ride, but it lasted exactly three and a half days before we crashed it into a tree. The doc said I couldn't lift heavy things 'till February."

The blonde whistled "That had to hurt." Now that he thought about it, he did remember Sasuke being worried over something a few weeks ago, but declining to tell him about it.

As if on cue, Sasuke entered the kitchen, automatically spotted Naruto, and went over him, sitting on the blonde's lap and wrapping his arms around Naruto's neck.

"Did we have sex last night?" He asked bluntly and still sleepy, and from the corner of his eyes, Naruto saw Shisui almost dropping his camera and Mikoto freeze on the spot.

"Yes, we did, Sasu," He lied with a blank expression "Lots and lots of times."

Sasuke frowned tiredly "Don't remember it…"

"Of course you don't!" Naruto continued, wrapping his own arms around the brunette's slim waist "I gave you so much pleasure, that you passed out from it."

"I see," Sasuke nodded "Then I'mma go take a shower."

He rose from Naruto's lap after placing a chaste kiss on the blonde's lips, and left the kitchen. Only then did Shisui allow himself to laugh hysterically and Mikoto to giggle more discreetly.

"Dude!" Shisui exclaimed "He didn't even question you! How did ya do it?!"

Naruto shrugged with a smug smirk "You know how there's morning people and the wake-me-up-when-September-ends kind? Sasuke belongs in the walk-around-like-a-zombie-until-I-crash-with-something-or-someone-and-nearly-kill-myself kind. He'll believe anything you say to him in that state, even saying that his favourite colour is pink."

Shisui snickered "But doesn't he realize it's a lie once he's completely awake?"

"Not really. He isn't even completely awake, so he isn't sure if he dreamt it or if I really said that."

"Amazing," Shisui complimented "My hat is off to you."

Naruto beamed at him. I think I have a possible ally here.

"Still want that breakfast, Naruto?" Mikoto asked him, walking with frying pan and serving some bacon on Shisui's plate, who mumbled a quite 'thanks'. Naruto shook his head.

"I think I'll go eat some Sasuke, if ya know what I mean…" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and Mikoto hummed in acknowledgement.

"Yeah… Remember how I said I didn't mind if you two did it like rabbits in heat?" Mikoto smiled sweetly when Naruto nodded "I still don't. But I do mind you telling me about it, m'kay?"


Naruto got lost in the way to the bathroom several times.

He had followed Mikoto's directions of the bathroom Sasuke was most likely to use perfectly --or so he said--, but there were far too many doors and halls in the Uchiha mansion for Naruto's liking, but he did eventually found a bathroom with a shower running inside.

Intending to surprise Sasuke, he entered the bathroom as silently as he could and stripped himself quickly. He then stepped into the shower, where he found Sasuke with his back turned to him. Something about him looked kind of different, but Naruto didn't ponder it much, and instead hugged the brunette from behind, who stiffened instantly.

"Relax, it's just me," He said in a low and husky voice, which he knew always got Sasuke excited. He nibbled Sasuke's earlobe seductively, and his hands lowered a notch "Let's play a little, Sasuke."

Sasuke cleared his throat "…Uh… Yeah…" A voice that was definitely not Sasuke's, answered him awkwardly "…I-I'm sure Sasuke would like to play and all, so why don't you try the bathroom on his side of the house…?"

Naruto's eyes widened like saucers.

Shiiit.


(1) All the Uchihas look like fan girls would ravish them. Even Fugaku looks like he was a stud when he was younger!

(2) That's a movie :P

(3) Die from hunger.

A/N: Hoped you liked how I portrayed Tekka, Inabi, and Shisui. They get like, one episode, and on Shisui's case no episode at all, so there's not really much to go on, but they've always stricken me like guys that belong in The Dudesons or in Jackass. And who do you think is the mysterious Uchiha in the shower? Naruto's so dead… And isn't Mikoto an understanding woman? No problem tellin' Naruto where to find Sasuke. 'Till the next update!

--Not Really Yours