ok, i'm NOT a freak that's overly obsessed with this and therefore updating lots in a short amount of time...basically, i'm craving chocolate, especially since i've just seen a jaffa cakes ad on tv, and i can't eat any...or sweets...damn it...anybody know how many days until lent's over?...ah! so to try and distract my mind from chocolate-y, sweet thoughts, i'm doing this...so far, it's not really working...half my mind's on this and the other half is dreaming of chocolate milk...mmmm.
anyway, LucinaLoveGrey, asked me why it is called No One's Gonna Love You. and i'm really really glad she did. it is the title of a song, an amazing, powerful, awesome song, by Band of Horses...go listen to it, and then you'll know why it's called No One's Gonna Love You.
Staring in the mirror, she sighed and began to unwind the head scarf she had been wearing for a month. Her hair had grown back but it was still short, too short for her to be happy with. She ran her hand through it and tugged it down to her ears. "Grow, damn it, grow" she willed.
Her pager buzzed and she looked down at it. It was Derek; he wanted to meet quickly before she had to go to her shrink.
Winding her scarf back round her head, she ran out of the bathroom and straight into his arms.
"There you are" he smiled and kissed her
"Hi" she said between kisses
"I got you this" he brought a chocolate bar from the pocket of his coat and placed it in her hands, "So you have something to munch on when she starts asking you awkward questions"
Meredith laughed, "Thanks"
She turned to go but he stopped her, "Meredith, I don't want to push you or seem overbearing or anything but if you want to talk about what happens in these sessions with me, you can"
She looked into his eyes. He was being so perfect ever since she'd left the hospital, it was amazing. And part of her did want to tell him everything but a little voice at the back of her mind whispered, "What if he freaks out when you tell him?"
She forced a smile, "I'll see how it goes today…maybe I'm ready"
He smiled back, "I hope so…but it's Ok if you're not"
She pecked him on the lips and made a mental note that this would be she would bring up today.
XXX
Sitting by the door, she waited for him to meet her. She smiled when she saw him and stood up, holding out her hand for him to take.
He grabbed it and squeezed it before saying, "Sorry…craniotomy took longer than expected"
"It's Ok…you're here now" she replied
It was raining, as per usual, when they got outside and he held his briefcase over her head as they ran to the car. He opened her door for her and she got in.
"How was your day?" he asked when he got in.
"Ok…I was on ortho which sucked"
"Carpentry" he said and she nodded in agreement.
"But Ok otherwise" she added
"Good"
The rest of the journey was quiet while she thought about her session with her shrink. She felt like she was making progress; they'd talked about why she was scared to talk to him about all her feelings and the sessions. Of course it all related back to her stupid abandonment issues.
When they had got back home and they were in the kitchen, choosing a pizza to order, she said, "I think I want to tell you about my sessions"
He looked up from menu, "You do?"
"Yeah…we're having a baby and we want to spend the rest of our lives together, we've established that…it's time that I stop worrying about you freaking out"
He was surprised, "I didn't know that's why you don't like to tell me things…do you really think I'll freak out"
"Well, I'm not exactly easy to be with" she told him honestly, "And I just sometimes wonder if you might think it's too much work being with me, if I tell you all my crap and everything"
"Your crap?"
"It's what Cristina calls it" she told him, now a little embarrassed that she used that expression.
He laughed.
She smiled at the sound of him laughing, "Well, anyway, I just don't want you to run away"
He gave her that sad smile, "You need to trust me"
"I know" she sighed, "But I'm still scared"
"You know something?" he told her, "It's harder being with you if you don't tell me things…trust that"
She smiled at hearing that and then took a deep breath, "Alright…I'm just really worried that I'm gonna be a horrid mother…like my mom"
"Meredith, you are the only person who can say what kind of mother you'll be" he told her, moving a piece of hair that was in her face out of the way
"I know…we've been working on that, my shrink and I…I'm learning" she replied
"What else do you talk about?" he asked, tentatively
"Apparently, I'm not only afraid of you leaving and just going away but I'm also afraid of you dying"
He was shocked to hear that and choked out a "Why?"
"Because when I was younger I thought my dad was dead" she told him, waiting for him to freak out even more
He looked down and asked again, "Why?"
"Well, when I was four he was there and then I turned five and a month or so later, he was gone…for good…and I wasn't allowed to talk about him. And then one day when I was nine I plucked up the courage to ask my mom how he died"
"And what did she say?" he asked, taking her hand and squeezing it
"She told me he wasn't dead, he was weak and I didn't need him, the only person I needed was myself" she replied, "Guess that explains why I don't like sharing"
"Well, I hate to disagree with the great Ellis Grey but you are not the only person you need…nobody's an island" he told her and smiled, "I like to think that you need me just like I need you"
She smiled back and hugged him, "I do need you" she whispered into his ear
XXX
It had been a month since Meredith had shared her fears with Derek and not only had things not gone bad like she had feared but they had actually got better. It seemed to her that Derek had been on edge fearing she wouldn't share and once she had, he was more relaxed. He was happier than she had seen him in a long time and so she was doubly happy herself, once for her and once for him.
She stood in front of the mirror in her bathroom and stared at her hair. She hadn't had hair shorter than her shoulders since she was going through her angry, pink hair stage and had cut it short and spiky (and dykey as some of the boys at school had chanted). Now it was below her ears but not nearly close enough to her shoulders.
"This is so not good" she said to herself, running her hand through it
"You look lovely" Derek's voice interrupted her thoughts and she turned to see him in the door.
"Hey, you" she smiled
"Hey, you back" he replied, "How's my boy today?"
"We won't know if it's a boy or a girl until this evening" she told him and went up on her tiptoes and kissed him, "Morning"
"Morning…I've got breakfast ready downstairs" he told her
"Mmmm, yum" she took his hand and they began to go down, "I was thinking, seeing as we're getting a lot of complaints, that we should spend the night at the trailer tonight...the Chief has gone"
"That sounds fine, the Chief did move" he replied and then added, confused, "What do you mean we're getting a lot of complaints?"
"Noise complaints" she told him as they entered the kitchen
"Noise complaints?"
"We are loud" she told him slowly
"Loud?" he repeated and sat down, "Loud?"
She sighed, "You know, loud"
"Oh!" he finally got it
"Yeah…so anyway, tonight at yours" she told him and sat down. He followed suit.
He nodded and wondered whether or not he should bring up the subject of what happens when the baby is born? Where do they stay?
Meredith put her hand on her bump absent-mindedly; unaware that he was watching her. He smiled. She was showing but only when her top strained against her stomach or if she put her hand there. He reached out over the table and touched it. She looked at him and smiled. "Don't forget…the appointment's at three"
"I won't forget"
XXX
She stood opposite the lift and waited for it to open and him to step out. He was cutting it close. Too close if you asked her. She looked at her watch and watched the hour hand get closer and closer to three.
Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven…any second they were going to call her name and she was going to have to go in alone…six, five…
She heard the elevator ping and looked up. The doors opened and out he stepped, an apology already coming out his mouth.
"Save the explanation, let's just get this done with" she told him.
"Dr Grey" the nurse called
"That's us" she said and grabbed Derek's hand
When they went in to the exam room, the doctor smiled. "How is it going, Dr Grey, Dr Shepherd…all well?"
Meredith smiled, bringing both hands to her bump "Yeah…the baby feels good…I think it's going well"
"Well, that is excellent to hear…why don't you hop onto the table and we can check it out" Dr Cole replied
Meredith lay down on the table and Derek sat by her side and took back a hold of her hand.
The doctor put some gloves on and began to do the ultra-sound.
Meredith let out a little gasp.
"You Ok, Meredith?" Derek asked, concerned
"Gel's cold" she replied
He chuckled
"Ok" Dr Cole said, as the baby showed up on the screen "Now, there we go…a clear picture of your baby"
"Of our son!" Derek smiled, "We're having a boy…I told you….a boy!"
"We are" Meredith smiled too, "Wow…a boy"
Derek leant over and kissed her, "This is great"
"Congratulations"
XXX
"So, you're having a boy" Cristina said as they sat together at the nurses' station, "What do you think of that….pleased? disappointed? Indifferent?"
"Well, if it was a girl, I'd be just as happy" Meredith told her
"So, indifferent?"
"Well, Derek is pleased so I guess I'm pleased for him"
"It's your son too"
"I know but he's the one who wanted it to be a boy…I didn't care either way" she told her
Izzie appeared in front of her, "Hey…how was the check up?"
"Our son is happy and healthy, thank you for asking" Meredith told her and smiled as Izzie literally jumped for joy
"A boy….oh, that's great…and he's healthy…perfect….you know, Mer, now we know what to buy for, we can go baby shopping!" she squealed.
"Izzie, I think I'll be doing that with Derek…so he can buy it all" Meredith said
"So much for being strong and independent" Cristina murmured
"I'm a resident…he's an attending…he makes more, he pays for more" she replied, "But, if you want, Izzie, maybe you and I could go buy some baby clothes…just nothing more"
"Oh, yahy…I can't wait" Izzie beamed before her pager went off
XXX
Sitting, waiting for Derek, Meredith finally had a chance to think about her day. She was having a boy. She smiled as she thought that. Now knowing that it was a boy, made her realised that the baby was coming soon. And they had nothing. No crib, no clothes, no diapers. But also no place. She knew that she couldn't keep living with Izzie and Alex…and sometimes Cristina. They'd end up hating the baby for destroying the little time they had to sleep. Plus, she'd spent the first five years of her life there and the memory of her mother still sometimes lingered in the halls and rooms. She didn't want her mother's presence to hang over her own motherhood. And besides, Derek had land. Lots of land. And views, more than one. And a lake and Doc was there.
"You seem lost in your thoughts" his voice interrupted her thoughts
She looked up and smiled, "Let's go to the trailer"
"Ok…there's just us…we'll be as loud as we want" he joked and wrapped his arm around her as she stood up.
XXX
They lay in bed, his arm around her, her leaning into his chest, him smelling her hair.
"I have to decide what speciality I want to do by the end of the week" she told him
"Who said that?" he asked
"Well, Bailey told me the Chief wants something to put down on paper for each of us by the end of the week…nothing definite but something to put down…as an idea" she replied
"And what are you considering?" he asked
"It's between plastics and neuro" she told him
"Well, not to sound biased but I would like you to know just how talented you are at neuro…best I've seen since me" he told her, stroking her hair
"You just want me to pick neuro so we can spend more time together"
"No…I want you to pick it because you are good…and because you can make more of a difference with neuro than plastics"
She turned her hair to face him, "I do like neuro"
"Go on…pick it…" he whispered
"Mmm, I'll think about it" she said, "I've got a week"
She leant closer to him and kissed him gently. She moved her position and wrapped her arms round her neck. He moved his hand down her back.
"We're all alone" he whispered
"We are" she whispered back
