August 27

She is gone. The pain,the void is surreal . I feel the need to scream,to shout, to tear everything apart, but I can't , I have to surpress these feelings,the urge to go after her and that's why I'm pouring my heart into these pages.

Yesterday I took the day off at work,telling everybody I was not felling well,it was a lie , I just wanted one last day with her. Ohh how I rejoiced in that look of concern that Kotoko gave me. I truly am a bastard, clinging to every drop of kindness she threw in my direction.

I threw myself on the couch, propped my feet up, feigning a cough. Then she came to me and touched my forehead . Heaven! She was so close,her perfume enveloped me,hugging me. I closed my ayes in bliss. Of course I didn't have a fever, I wasn't sick,at least not physically. With a puzzled look Kotoko offered me a cup of tea and I nodded in agreement.

I believe my mom saw right through me. She knows me well, she knows that I wouldn't give up on work for merely a cough. Maybe because I may have lost it for a few seconds,the mask of indifference I've build to perfection,it's just that I can't think straight when Kotoko stands so close .I always made the stupidest mistakes when she was near me, said the meanest things to her just to cover my mind going into mush because of her. That's the effect Kotoko has on me,turning the genius into an average hormonal adolescent who picks up on girls he likes.

Anyway my mother went fully into emotional mode, talking really fast about having such a busy day and lots of things to do so she picked up her purse and just left,leaving us lone in the house. Kotoko with a resigned look on her face and I just staring at her like the idiot I am.I remember the first time we were alone in the house, the first day of a summer vacation ,my mother would lie and get out of the house too.

Then like now I saw through my mother's lies and said nothing.

Then for pure curiosity and now out of despair.

Then I saw joy, anticipation and twinkling little stars in her ayes, scarred I would turn my back on her and went upstairs to my books.

Now she barely looked at me.

" Irie-kun should I get you a blanket?"she asked

"Yes,thank you." I answered and she was about to leave for the blanket when I took ahold of her wrist and asked her before I could stop myself "Are you going to be alright?"

I've put so much hope in that question. I hoped she would say no,she was not going to be alright without me, just as much as I was not going to be alright without seeing her. I hoped she would change her mind,but then again I hoped she would say yes too because I knew deep down that there was no other way. So many contradictory thoughts plugging my mind .

"Don't be silly Irie-kun! I know that I can't do many things right but I can surely bring you a blanket." She answers annoyed .

Ahh! Of course she didn't get the real meaning behind my question and why would she?why would I suddenly care for her future? She took it like a mean thing to say,that,would be more like me.

"Hmmmm" was all I could say and I let go of her wrist.

The rest of the day went by so qiuckly, Kotoko went upstairs to finish packing, then she made me an awfull soup and I continued to watch her making herself busy around the the time she finished everybody came back home,including my mom, with a look of so much hope I couldn't stand it and went for the stairs.

"Goodnight Irie-kun" I heard Kotoko saying and I stopped in my track. That was not like the good nights I heard from her so many times before,it sounded like a goodbye to me. Everything cringed inside me. I should have turned around and say goodnight too but I was afraid she might see the truth on my face. I continued to climb the stairs to my bedroom.

Later that night I heard the door of my bedroom open and I quickly closed my ayes . At first I thought it was my mom checking up on me and I didn't want her to find me still awake. Soon after I sensed that sweet perfume of strawberry candy,it was Kotoko ,and I would have open my ayes then but I felt her soft lips touching mine and something wett dropped on my cheek. Surprise paralyzed me.

"Goodbye Irie-Kun" she whispered . No! I opened my ayes but she was alredy at the door with her back to me and with a scarf of mine in her hands. I don't know how much I stood there watching the closed door, she was really going away, I thought and I asked myself if I can live through her departure. I knew it then,I knew the answer, I knew I can't live without my Kotoko. I won't let her go,I decided in that moment that I didn't care about the consequences , I would endure anything with Kotoko by my side.

She was the life source of me.

She gave my life color,meaning. So innocent,so sincere,so precious, so completely opposite of my calculated way to be.

With that resolve,peace came over me. I decided. Next day I would tell everything she means to me and I won't let her go. I closed my ayes ,after that I can't remember what happend because when I opened them it was already morning. I heard my mom crying down stairs. I jumped out of my bed as fast as I could and I practically flew down the stairs. All the time I was screaming No No No in my head. When I finally arrived at the front door I saw my mom crying on her knees and dad and Yuuki hugging her. I threw open the door but the taxi was long gone..

I turned back, taking my wallet and coat,ready to go after her. Yuuki watched me with a strange expression on his face. I must have looked like a crazy person to him,standing there in my pajamas, about to leave. I didn't care.

Just as I was about to leave through the door I heard a scream of pain and a thud. My father had just collapsed clutching his arm. He was having another heart atack. Silence! was all I could hear,not my mother crying,not Yuki's shouts,nothing. I mecanicly drew my phone out and dialed the number for the ambulance. Someone answered and I gave the directions.

The ambulance arrived shortly after and we all went in taking me in the opposite direction of the airport. While I was holding dad's hand all I could think is that I can't do this to him, I can't break the engagement with Sahoko because that would destroy the company and I can't be the cause to anymore pain for my father.