CHAPTER THE FOURTH

Master of the Arts

BANG. Another whack to the door. Bubba frantically looked around, now awake.

"Where's the cannon?" he said stupidly.

Uncle Vern came skidding into the room but couldn't stop as he fell into one of the side walls knocking himself down. Harry was surprised the feeble wall didn't give way and send him into the ocean just outside. Uncle Vern got up, he was holding his shotgun in his hands.

"Who's there?" he shouted. "I'm forewarning you — I'm packing heat!"

There was an awkward silence moment. Then —

SMASH!

The door was hit with such strength that the hinges popped clean off the wall and sent the door crashing to the floor.

A monster of a man was standing in the doorway. His face was more or less completely concealed by a long, shaggy mane of hair and a wild, tangled beard, but you could make out his eyes, glinting like black beetles under all the hair.

The giant squeezed his way into the hut, stooping so that his head just brushed the ceiling. He bent down, picked up the door, and fitted it easily back into its frame. The noise of the storm outside dropped a little. He turned to look at them all.

"Er, um. Sorry about your door there. Don't know me own strength," he said with a mighty chuckle.

He strode over to the sofa where Bubba sat frozen with fear.

"Bulked up a bit, didn't you? Well no matter, we'll take yeh all the same Harry," said the stranger.

Bubba squeaked and ran to hide behind his mother, who was crouching, terrified, behind Uncle Vern.

"Wait... I'm Harry," Harry said.

"Oh, er, Harry! Course it's you. An' mighty glad to see yeh ain't as big as tubs over der," said the giant.

Harry looked up into the violent, untamed, obscure face and saw that his eyes were twinkling like a clear night sky.

"Las' time I saw you, you was only a lit'le baby," said the giant. "Yeh look a lot like yer dad, but yeh've got yer mom's hands."

Uncle Vern made a funny noise.

"I command that you go away at once, sir!" he said. "You are breaking and entering!"

"Ah, shut up, Drubblesnort, yeh great tub of lard," said the giant; he reached out and jerked the gun out of Uncle Vern's hands, pointed it back at him and ordered the lot into the corner of the room.

"And I don't want no funny business, yeh hear! Or else." He then bent the gun into a funny little V shape like it was nothing. Uncle Vern made another funny noise, like a mouse being squashed.

"Anyway — Harry," said the giant, turning his back on the Drubblesnorts, "A very happy birthday to yeh. Got summat fer yeh here — I mighta sat on it at some point, but it'll still taste good all the same."

From an inside pocket of his black overcoat he pulled a slightly squashed box. Harry opened it with trembling fingers. Inside were three large stinking, bloody slabs of what looked like meat and a little card that said 'Happy Birthday Harry'.

"Dat's raw Diricawl meat dat is! Mighty hard to come by nowadays, but when I saw it in der Forrest I just had to kill sum fer yeh Harry," he said while swishing Harry's hair.

Harry looked up at the giant. He didn't want to say thank you, as he wasn't exactly pleased with his present, but what he said instead was, "Who are you?"

The giant chuckled.

"True, I haven't introduced meself. Rubeus Hagrid, Master of the Custodial Arts and Head Sanitation Officer at Hogwarts."

He swelled his chest and pounded it hard after he said this.

Hagrid's eyes soon fell on the sad-looking fireplace with the shriveled chip bags in it and he snorted. He stooped downward over it; no one could see what he was doing but when he drew back a second later, there was an impressive roaring fire there. It filled the whole damp hut with sparkling light and Harry felt the intense heat wash over him as though he'd just had his eyebrows singed off.

The giant sat down on the sofa, which collapsed under his weight, and began taking all sorts of things out of the pockets of his coat: a copper kettle, a poker, a teapot, several chipped mugs, and a bottle of some amber liquor that he took a swig from before starting to make tea.

"Now den, let's makes us sum Diricawl meat!" Harry indifferently agreed.

Soon the hut was full of the sound and smell of sizzling meat on the open flame. The stench of the raw meat was eventually replaced with a sweet, salty smell that reminded Harry of Aunt Petunia's fried onions. Nobody said a thing while the giant worked, but as he slid the first fat, juicy, slightly burnt slab from the poker, Bubba squirmed a little. Uncle Vern said sharply, "Don't touch anything he gives you, Bubba."

The giant chuckled darkly.

"Yer great puddin' of a son don' need fattenin' anymore, Drubblesnort, don' worry."

He passed the slab to Harry, who was so hungry he had never tasted anything so wonderful, even though on a normal day it wasn't anything to write home about. As he ate, he couldn't take his eyes off the giant. Finally, as it looked like nobody would care to explain anything, he said as he chewed, "My apologies, but I still don't understand who you are or what on earth is going on."

The giant took another big swig of the amber liquor and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"They labeled me Hagrid," he said, "An' I already told yeh, I'm Master of the Custodial Arts at Hogwarts — yeh'll know all about Hogwarts, o' course."

"I have no clue what that is. I don't own any pigs, if that's what you mean. I'm quite confused by all of this," said Harry.

Hagrid looked taken aback.

"What?" barked Hagrid, turning to stare at the Drubblesnorts, who cowered back into the shadows. "Drubblesnort, by the time I'm done with yeh, yeh wish yeh nevern been born. Wouldn't even tell ya abou' Hogwarts, fer cryin' out loud! Did yeh never wonder where yer parents acquired all their knowledge?"

"Knowledge about what?" inquired Harry.

"ABOUT WHAT?" Hagrid thundered. "Now wait jus' one jiffy!"

He had jumped to his feet. His annoyance he seemed to fill the whole hut. The Drubblesnorts were trembling against the wall.

"Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Drubblesnorts, "That this boy — The Chosen One! — knows nothin' abou' — about ANYTHING?"

Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't all failing. He got a C+ in English once.

"I know some things," Harry said. "I can read, I can write some."

But Hagrid simply waved his hand and said, "Regarding our world, I mean. Your world. My world. Yer parents' world."

"Earth?"

Hagrid looked as if he was about to explode.

"DRUBBLESNORT!" he boomed.

Uncle Vern, who had gone very pale, whispered something that sounded like "It's the devils work!" Hagrid stared wildly at Harry.

"But yeh must know about yer mom and dad," he said. "I mean, they're a bit of a celebrity. You're a celebrity."

"What? My — my mom and dad were famous?"

"Yeh have no idear… yeh have no idear…" Hagrid ran his fingers through his hair a few times then tied it in a bun, all the while fixing Harry with a bewildered stare.

"Yeh don' even know what yeh are?" he said finally after getting his man-bun in place.

Uncle Vern unexpectedly discovered his voice.

"Halt!" he commanded. "Halt right there, good sir! As the boy's legal guardian I forbid you to tell the boy anything or I'll see you in court!"

A smarter man than Vern Drubblesnort would have backed down under the furious look Hagrid now gave him as he approached; when Hagrid spoke, his every syllable trembled with rage.

"YOU NEVER TOLD HIM?"

Hagrid threw a punch at Uncle Vern's face and hit him square on the jaw.

"Never told him what was in the memo Dumbledoor left fer him?"

Another punch.

"I was there!"

WHAM!

"I saw Dumbledoor leave it!"

WHAM! With is other arm.

"An' you've kept it from him all these years?" the giant said now shaking Uncle Vern with both arms.

"Kept what from me?" said Harry excitedly.

"No... stop... I forbid you..." mumbled Uncle Vern in his weakened state, now clearly in a daze.

Hagrid gave him a stiff upper cut, sending Uncle Vern flying into the ceiling and then collapsing passed out onto the floor.

Aunt Petunia gave a gasp of horror.

"Ah, go boil yer heads off, all of yeh," said Hagrid. "Harry — yer a wizard."

"I'm a what?" gasped Harry.

"A wizard, o' course," said Hagrid, sitting back down on the broken sofa, which groaned and sank even lower, "an' a thumpin' superior 'un, I'd say, once yeh've been taught up a bit. With a mum an' dad like yours, yer bound to be the best there is! An' I deem it's abou' time yeh examine yer letter."

Harry expanded his hand at last to take the yellowish envelope, addressed in emerald green to His Excellency The Honorable Master Harry H. Potter, Heavy Weight Champion of the World, The Floor, Hut-on-the-Rock, The Sea. He pulled out the letter and read:

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Like Tomfoolery

Headmaster: SCHOOLBUS DUMBLEDOOR

(By Order of Merlin: Third Class, Grand Sorcerer in Chief, Supreme Muggle Converter, Board Member of International Confectionary for Wizards)

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are just so tiddlywinked to notify you that you have been granted access to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Like Tomfoolery. Please locate the enclosed catalog of all required books and gear.

Term begins on September 1. We await your pig by no later than July 31 or you will be automatically expelled.

Have a magical day,

Hardcastle McCormick

Second-in-Command Headmistress

Questions exploded inside Harry's head and actually began to make it hurt. He couldn't make up his mind which to ask first. After a moment he inquired, "What does it mean, they await my pig?"

"Holy Hogwarts Harry, that reminds me!" said Hagrid, clapping a hand to his forehead with sufficient strength to knock over an automobile, and from yet another pocket inside his overcoat he pulled out a pig — a real, live, squealing pig — a long feather quill, and a roll of parchment. With his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth, he scribbled a note that Harry had some trouble reading upside down:

Dear Mr. Professor Dumbledoor Sir,

Presented Harry with his letter.

Kidnapping him from the Drubblesnorts to purchase his things tomorrow.

Weather's horrible. Hope you're well.

Hagrid

P.S. Drubblesnort's a blockhead.

Hagrid rolled up the note, shoved it up the pig's snout, went to the door, and threw the pig out into the storm. He then came back and sat down as though this was all perfectly normal.

Harry realized his mouth was open and closed it quickly.

"I'm sorry, but could you explain all that?" Harry asked.

"Hum? Oh about the pig business?" Hagrid replied as Harry nodded. "Well you see, pigs is a mighty magical creature. 'Course mos' Muggles don' see their true potential. All pigs got wings, yeh see. Jus can' see 'em or feel 'em. Us magic folk though, we realized this hundreds of years ago, and have bin trainin' them ter deliver our mail ever since. These 'normal' pigs you see on pig farms and such, they still got their wings, but not trained, yeh see. Tha's why they all just don' fly away. Pigs is inherently dumb, but got an excellent sense for direction."

Harry nodded again, but with a confusing stare.

"Now den, where was I?" said Hagrid, but at that moment, Uncle Vern, now blood-faced awoke from what should have put him in a deep coma.

"He's not going," he said out of breath.

Hagrid grunted.

"Drubblesnort, shut your Muggle pie hole," he said.

"Muggle?" said Harry, interested.

"Muggles," said Hagrid, "It's what we call the lesser race. Or er um... nonmagic folk like them. An' it's your ghastly fortune yeh grew up with relatives who o' the biggest Muggles I ever laid eyes on."

"We swore when we took him in, gave him food, clothing, and shelter, we'd put a stop to that rubbish," said Uncle Vern, "Swore we'd crush it out of him! Wizard indeed!"

"You were aware?" said Harry. "You were aware I'm a — a wizard?"

"Aware!" shrieked Aunt Petunia suddenly. "Aware! Of course we were Aware! How could you not be with my twin sister being what she was? Oh, she got a little letter just like that and moved out to that 'school'" (She did the air quotes) "And came home every holiday with her pockets full of mischievous concoctions, turning my dolls into rats and whatnot. It was the devil's work! I saw her for what she was, a freak! And so did our parents. They were so ashamed of having a witch in the family!"

She stopped to draw a deep breath and then went ranting on. It was as though she had wanted to say this for years, as if she memorized and practiced this in the mirror each and every night.

"After Lily was kicked out of our house, she met that little monster Potter kid at school and they ran off, got hitched and had you, not in that order. And of course I knew you'd be similar, just as strange, just as abnormal — and then, God knows she deserved it, she went and got herself blown up and we got landed with you!"

Harry had gone very white. So much new information it made his head hurt. He said, "Blown up? You told me they were killed by elephants in a circus accident."

"CIRCUS ACCIDENT!" roared Hagrid, jumping up so angrily that the Drubblesnorts scuttled back to their corner. "How could elephants end up killin' Lily an' James Potter? It's an outrage! A scandal! Harry Potter not knowin' his own story when every kid in our world sings his name!"

"But why? What happened?" Harry asked urgently.

The anger faded from Hagrid's face. He looked suddenly overexcited, like a gitty school girl.

"I never expected this," he said, in a low, eager voice. "I had no idea, when Dumbledoor told me there might be trouble gettin' hold of yeh, how much yeh didn't know. Ah, Harry, I don' know if I'm the right person ter tell yeh — but someone's gotta — an' I can't believe that someone's me! Eeeee! Yeh can't go off ter Hogwarts not knowin', o'course." He said with a huge grin while twiddling his fingers.

The giant then stopped, cleared his throat, looked up and threw the Drubblesnorts a dirty look.

"Well, it's best yeh know as much as I can tell yeh — mind, I can't tell yeh everythin', a lot of it's a great myst'ry, ain't it…"

He sat down, told Harry to gather around the fire and didn't make a sound for at least five minutes, and then said to Harry's startlement, "It begins, I suppose, with — with a person called — well it's incredible yeh don't know his name, everyone in our world knows —"

"Who?"

"Well — I don' like sayin' the name if I can help it. No one does."

"Why not?"

"Holy heart failure Harry, people are still scared. Blimey, this is difficult. See, there was this wizard who went… bad. As evil as you could go. Worse. Worse than worse. His name was…"

Hagrid gulped but no words came out, though sweat sure did.

"Could you write it down?" Harry suggested.

"Nah — can't spell it. All right —Voldémort. " Hagrid closed his eyes and covered his ears. "Don' make me say it again, please don'. Anyway, this — wizard, about twenty years ago now, started lookin' fer his own clique to hang with. Got 'em, too — some were terrified, some just wanted a bit o' his authority, 'cause he was gettin' himself power, all right. Dark days, Harry. Didn't know who ter trust, didn't dare get friendly with anyone after a night on the town. Terrible things happened. He was takin' over. 'Course, some stood up to him — an' he killed 'em like they were ants. Horrible, painful death. One o' the only safe places left was Hogwarts. Reckon Dumbledoor's the only one You-Know-Perfectly-Well-Who-I'm-Talking-About was afraid of. Didn't dare try takin' the school."

"Now, yer mum an' dad were an ok witch an' wizard. Never made Boy o' Girl-in-Chief at Hogwarts or anythin' like that. Suppose the myst'ry is why You-Know-Perfectly-Well-Who-I'm-Talking-About even bothered with going after 'em… peoples say they were too close ter Dumbledoor ter want anythin' ter do with the Dark Side since they were good buddies an' all. But between you an' me they was just common folk, notin' special. Just in the wrong place at der wrong times."

"But maybe he did thinks he could influence 'em… maybe he just wanted ter go on a killin' spree. All anyone knows is, he turned up in the township where yous was all livin', on Halloween ten years ago. He came ter yer house an' — an' —"

Hagrid suddenly pulled out a very dirty, spotted handkerchief and gave a thunderous sneeze.

"Sorry," he said. "Dern allergies, the sea always gives me the sniffels— anywa…"

"You-Know-Perfectly-Well-Who-I'm-Talking-About killed 'em. An' then — an' this is the real myst'ry of the thing — he tried to kill you, too. Wanted ter make a clean job of it, I suppose, or maybe he just had a thing fer killin' babies. But he couldn't do it. Never wondered how you got that mark on yer forehead? That was not yer run of the mill cut. That's what yeh get when a powerful, evil curse touches yeh — took care of yer mum an' dad an' yer house, even — but it didn't work on you, an' that's why yer legendary, Harry. No one ever lived after he decided ter kill 'em, no one except you, an' he'd killed off some o' the best witches an' wizards of the age — the Nutters, the Dorkoffs, the Ripples — an' you was only a baby, an' you lived."

Something very painful was going on in Harry's mind. As Hagrid's story came to a close, he saw again the blinding flash of green light, more clearly than he had ever remembered it before — and he remembered something else for the first time in his life: next Thursday would be his Aunt Petunia's birthday. He'd have to make her a card...

Hagrid was watching him.

"Took yeh from the ruined house myself, on Dumbledoor's orders. Brought yeh ter this lot… ."

"Load of trash, all of it!" said Uncle Vern. Harry was startled; he had practically forgotten that the Drubblesnorts were still there. Uncle Vern certainly seemed to have got back his courage. He was giving Hagrid the evil eye.

"Now, you listen here, boy," he snarled, "I accept there's something strange about you, probably nothing a good beating couldn't cure — and as for all this about your parents, well, they were weirdoes, no denying it, and the world's better off without them — they were asking for it, getting mixed up with these wizarding types — just what I expected, always knew they'd come to a sticky end —"

But at that moment, Hagrid leapt from the sofa and drew a battered pink umbrella from inside his coat. He lunged towards Uncle Vernon and speared the pointy end right into his great gut. Uncle Vern coughed. As Hagrid pulled his makeshift sword back out, blood started to ooze all around the opening. Uncle Vern clutched the wound as he flattened himself against the floor and fell silent.

"That's better," said Hagrid, breathing heavily and sitting back down on the sofa, which by this time sagged so low he was practically sitting on the floor.

Harry, meanwhile, still had questions to ask, hundreds of them.

"Hagrid, the letter from Hogwarts, it referred to me as... as The Heavy Weight Champion of the World. Why is that?"

"Well now," Hagrid chuckled, "You defeated You-Know-Perfectly-Well-Who-I'm-Talking-About, who was jus about the mos' pow'ful wizard on the planet by mos' people's calculation, and so the title belongs to you now, don' it?"

"But what happened to Volume-, sorry — I mean, uh, You-Know-Perfectly-Well-Who-I'm-Talking-About?"

"Good question, Harry. Disappeared. Vanished. Nowhere to be found. Same night he tried ter kill you. Makes yeh even more famous. That's the biggest myst'ry, see… he was gettin' more an' more powerful — where'd he go?

"Some say he kicked the bucket. A lo' a garbage, in my opinion. Dunno if he had enough human left in him to die. Some say he's still out there, bidin' his time. People who was on his side came back ter ours. Some of 'em came outta kinda trances. Tho, I reckon that's jus' wat they were sayin' as to not get'n any trouble with the law."

"Most of us reckon he's still out there somewhere but lost his mojo. Too weak to carry on. 'Cause somethin' about you ruined him, Harry. There was somethin' goin' on that night he hadn't tallied up — I dunno what it was, no one does — but somethin' about you bewildered him, all right."

Hagrid looked at Harry with affection and blazing eyes, but Harry, instead of feeling pleased and proud, felt quite sure there had been a horrifying mistake. A wizard? Him? How could he possibly be? He'd spent his life being Bubba's pouching bag, and Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vern's slave child; if he was really a wizard, why hadn't they been turned into warty toads every time they'd tried to lock him in his shed? If he'd once defeated the greatest sorcerer in the world, how come Bubba had always been able to kick him around like a football?

"Hagrid," he said quietly, "I think you must have made a mistake. I don't think I can be a wizard."

To his surprise, Hagrid laughed.

"Not a wizard, eh? Never made things hap'n when you was nervous or mad? It's one o' duh perks!"

Harry looked into the fire. Now that he came to think about it… every odd thing that had ever made his aunt and uncle furious with him had happened when he, Harry, had been upset or angry… chased by Bubba's gang, he had somehow found himself out of their reach… dreading going to school with that ridiculous haircut, he'd managed to make it grow back… and the very last time Bubba had hit him, hadn't he got his revenge, without even realizing he was doing it? Hadn't he set a Bengal Tiger on him?

Harry, after a long gaze into the fire, quickly looked up at Hagrid, now smiling his biggest smile he had ever remembered.

"See?" said Hagrid. "Harry Potter, not a wizard — you wait, you'll be right famous at Hogwarts. A king!"

But Uncle Vern wasn't going to give in without another fight. He mustard all his remaining strength to stand up, though still clutching on to the wound Hagrid inflicted on him.

"Haven't I told you... he's not going..." he said weakly and out of breath. "He's going to Igot High and he'll be mighty glad for it too. I've read those letters and he needs all sorts of rubbish — spell books and wands and —"

"If he wants ter go, a big dumb idiot like you can't stop him," growled Hagrid. "Stop Lily an' James Potter's son goin' ter Hogwarts! It's blasphemy! His name's been down ever since he was born. Probably the mos' entitled kid in history! He's off ter the finest school of witchcraft and tomfoolery in the world. Seven years there and he won't know himself. Messes with the mind, it does. Fer the better, o'course! He'll be with youngsters of his own sort fer a change, an' he'll be under the most tolerable headmaster Hogwarts ever had Schoolbus Dumbled—"

"I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" yelled Uncle Vern.

But he had finally gone too far. Hagrid seized his umbrella and whirled it over his head,

"THAT'S IT!"

"NEVER —" he thundered, "— INSULT — SCHOOLBUS — DUMBLEDOOR — IN — FRONT — OF — ME!"

He brought the umbrella swishing down through the air to point at all three Drubblesnorts — there was a flash of violet light, a sound like a firecracker, a sharp pop, and the next thing you knew neither Bubba, Aunt Petunia, or Uncle Vern had any mouths. They were all just... gone. Sealed shut.

Uncle Vern roared, or at least he tried to roar. But as much as the family tried to scream, all that could be heard was a very muffled, inaudible whine. Hagrid then began to chase Aunt Petunia and Bubba into the other room. Uncle Vern looked terrified at the sight of this. Once they were through the door, Hagrid came back out and started coming for him. Uncle Vern neither had the strength nor the will to go against the giant any longer. He made a break to join his family on his own. And Hagrid and slammed the door behind him.

Hagrid walked back towards Harry and stroked his beard.

"That ought'ta shut'em up," he said with a giggle.

Harry gave a sideways look at Hagrid.

"Be obliged if yeh didn't chitchat about that ter anyone at Hogwarts," he said. "I'm — er — not supposed ter do magic, strictly speakin'. I was allowed ter do a bit ter follow yeh an' get yer letters to yeh an' stuff — it's the only reason I was so keen ter take the job."

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic? Are you some kind of criminal?" asked Harry.

"Oh, well — I was at Hogwarts meself but I — er — got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wand in half an' everything at a ceremony in front of the whole school. But Dumbledoor let me stay on a custodian apprentice. Fantastic man, The Dumbledoor is."

"Why were you expelled?"

"It's gettin' late and we've got lots ter do tomorrow," said Hagrid quickly. "Gotta get up ter town, get all yer books an' that. Now then off ter bed with yeh, chop chop."

He took off his thick black coat and threw it to Harry.

"You can sleep under that," he said. "Don' mind if it wriggles a bit, I think I still got a couple o' dormice in one o' der pockets. We can have 'em fer breakfast."