This was the last chapter I had already finished, and with a holiday and exams coming up, it will probably take a bit longer than a week to update. But I'll do my best to get the next chapter up as soon as possible.

Also, if you feel like leaving a review, don't hesitate. As I've stated before, this story is -for the most part- real, so I would love to hear your thoughts on the story.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy !


I inhaled deep as I stared out of the open window of my dorm. The view was everything but something to be proud of – if you can call the back of apartment buildings a view to begin with. The neighbourhood in which my dorm was situated wasn't exactly the most wealthy part of Philadelphia. It consisted mostly of grey, ugly apartment buildings and old houses that were redone as dorm rooms.

Right in front of me, one floor below was a roof that was still from my building. It would be pretty cool if we were actually allowed to go on there, so it would be sort of a terrace. But apparently the roof wasn't all that solid. Bullshit, in my opinion. The freaking emergency exit was on the other side of that roof. If there would be a fire or something, we had to walk over it. But that was none of my business, of course.

I shivered slightly, damn it's cold. I took a last puff of the joint and passed it to Noel, who took my place by the window. Happy to be out of the cold, I dropped on my bed. Because of the fire alarm, it was necessary to stand by the open window while smoking, and that was fucking cold in winter months.

I felt myself getting pretty high now that I wasn't trying not to freeze. Smiling softly in myself, I closed my eyes, enjoying the music.
"You going all right ?", Toby asked eyeing me from the couch he sat in.
"yeaaaaaaa", I dragged out in a monotone voice. Toby has to shut up. I Miss You from Blink-182 was playing, one of my favourite songs of my favourite band. That, and music hits you ten times harder when you're high. Mmmhhhhhhhh

"Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head", Noel hummed along. She IS the voice inside my head. I wish she knew. Or maybe not. I just want to kiss her. Kiss her and show her how much I could love her. I could love her so much better than anyone else.
These weren't exactly the thoughts I normally had. I wasn't that desperate, but my head was feeling very light at that moment and I couldn't care less about how bad it was to have them.

"Here Toby", Noel said a bit later as he passed him the blunt. He let himself fall on the bed right next to me with a long "ooooof". He looked at me with his typical 'I'm so high right now'-smile and I laughed at him.
"You are so terrible", I chuckled. "Even a blind man could see that you're fucking stoned right now"
"Speak for yourself. Have you looked in the mirror lately ?" The three of us started laughing.

Meanwhile, another song had started playing: Sweets (Soda Pop) from Fox Stevenson. It had a nice beat and we just were bobbing our heads to the music.
"Do you want the last, Em ?", Toby asked lifting the joint. It was a kind of unspoken rule that the one from whom the weed was, got the last drags. I, however, wasn't a real fan of that last part so I shook my head.
"No you go, I'll roll a new one". Then I realized there was no way I was getting up off my bed anytime soon. "Or no wait. You roll a new one, I'm too lazy."

"Ok, sure", he answered and Noel chuckled. I wasn't sure if he was laughing at my comment, or at the fact that Toby always did what I asked him. Whatever, as long as he rolls.
Toby put out the joint and took a seat behind my desk to roll a new one.

A new song started playing, Starships from Nicki Minaj. Toby groaned and reached for my laptop to change it, but as I saw his hand moving, my head snapped up. "Don't", I said firmly.
"Do you seriously like Nicki Minaj ?"
"I do like this song, brings out memories."
Toby shrugged and went back to rolling the joint.

Starships, were meant to fly

Hands up, and touch the sky

And what kind of memories. Everything else shut off as I thought back to when I was 15, on a nice, warm day in April.


"So where are we going ?", I asked my tall friend anxiously as she took out two bikes from the garage of her house.
"the Aa, a small river just outside of town. There is a nice spot there, barely people who pass, so no snoopers."
"Okay cool, so uhm. You have the stuff, right ?", to say I was nervous was an understatement. I had the bad habit of always thinking the worst would happen, which made me always overthink things a thousand times. Thinking about it, maybe it wasn't a bad habit after all, seeing that I always had watertight plans. But even then, I couldn't help but think of everything that could possibly go wrong.
"Yeah I got it right here", she tapped on her left pocket of her jean shorts.

"Spencer !", someone called from inside the house. We scared up and turned our heads and saw Mrs. Hastings approaching us with a bag. "Here I have some cookies and some water and a bottle of iced-tea. It's hot today so make sure you drink enough."
"Thanks, mom", Spencer said as she took the bag from her mother.

Mrs. Hastings smiled fondly at her and then turned her attention to me. "Emily, dear, so good to see you ! It's been a while, hasn't it ? You look great !"
I awkwardly smiled at her and mumbled an "hi" and "thank you" back.
"Why don't you stay for dinner tonight ? You two barely see each other, you need more time to catch up !"
I smiled at her. "Thank you, Mrs. Hastings, I'd love to."
"Just call me Veronica, dear."

She was right after all. Spencer and I didn't really see each other that much. I'd met her at a summer camp the summer before. We'd met the first day and we immediately bonded. It was like I'd found my soulmate – and she exactly was that. The holiday only lasted ten days though, and it sucked balls having to say goodbye because she lived on a forty-minute drive from Rosewood.
We both had busy lives so it wasn't all that easy to meet up a lot, but we really tried to keep contact and see each other as much as possible.


So there we were, it indeed was a nice little place, next to the river. Occasionally, a canoe would sail by, but other than that it was really quiet. We settled down on our towels and started sunbathing a little while catching up. Spencer had a little boombox with her so we had a bit of music in the background. I was feeling quite anxious about what was going to come though. I wanted to do it, really, but it was just so… so adventurous and, and, and bad.

"Do you know how to roll ?", she suddenly asked me.
"Uhm, no. Don't you ?", it wasn't Spencer's first time, I knew. So I had just been assuming that she knew how to do it.
"No". I was wrong.
We looked at each other and started laughing. This was so classic.

"Okay so what now ?", she started asking, as suddenly her face brightened. "Wait, I got it. Do you have any cigarettes on you ?"
As a matter of fact I did. It wasn't like I smoked or something, but I occasionally did it at parties or whenever I was with Spence. So I nodded and her smile went even brighter.
"Okay, so we take a cigarette, remove the tobacco, then mix the tobacco with the weed and then put it back in the cigarette." It actually was quite clever.
"Guess we could try". Spencer gave me my purse and I took out a cigarette.
I gave her the cigarette and she started taking the tobacco out with a little stick she found on the ground.

After a good fifteen minutes, we'd made a joint out of a cigarette and found ourselves staring at it. I really was anxious now, and was waiting until Spence would take the lead and light it up.
"Hey, put up a good song, will you", she asked me nodding to her boombox while taking out a lighter. She lit up the joint and I scrolled through her music, my nerves getting the better of me as I put up the first song that looked familiar.

Let's go to beach, each

Let's go get a wave

Spencer chuckled as she passed me the joint. "This song reminds me of our summer camp".
I took the blunt from her and stared at I while responding. "Yeah, me too, those were the good times". I took my very first hit of a joint and started coughing a bit. Although I'd smoked cigarettes before, this still was a bit different. After inhaling a few times though, it went better and I started feeling what one would describe as 'high'. I passed the joint back to Spencer as I started enjoying this 'high'. It made me feel light-headed and I could help but smile as I felt my eyelids becoming slightly heavier.

Spencer passed me the joint again and as I took a hit, I turned my head to look at her. She had the same goofy smile plastered on her lips as I had, and she looked at me with a quirked eyebrow.
"It feels nice, huh ?"
"Yeah, it does", I affirmed while inhaling again.
"Oh shit I don't like this song", Spencer whined after a new song started playing.
"Why don't you just put Starships on repeat ?", I proposed with a wide smile.
Spencer seemed to find that the best idea ever produced, so she took her phone and put the song on repeat.


We're higher than a motherfucker !

Spence and I were laying on our towels, enjoying the sun and the song that was still blaring from the boombox. We caught each other's gaze and took a moment to look in each other's red, little eyes, before we burst into laughter.

It was a full ten minutes before we were composed enough again to eye each other again. Not that that was a very good idea – as soon as our eyes locked, we started all over again.
"You know what ?", Spencer giggled, "we should take a swim".

"Earth to Emily", Noel laughed waving his hands right before my eyes.
"Huh what ?", I snapped out of it and turned to look at my two friends.
"I'm done rolling, you wanna light it ?", Toby asked as he handed me the nicely rolled blunt.
"Uh sure", I took the joint from him and got up from my bed. Slightly disorientated, I noticed that there already was another song playing. It was something drum 'n bass-ish, probably Netsky.

When the room finally stopped spinning, I walked up to the window and lit the joint. Noel and Toby were having a small conversation, so I let my mind wandering again to her again. How she always could diffuse tension and say something funny. How she could always make you laugh with the impossible stories she tells. How her dimples would show when she had that cheeky grin going on.

I took one last drag and passed the blunt over to Toby as I fell on my spot on the bed again. That last drag has been a bit too much, I thought as I found myself spinning and barely being able to keep my eyes open. Not that I really minded, this high was good to forget about what was important.
What actually was important ? I couldn't see the line anymore, so I started talking without thinking.

"You know guys, I want to tell you something.", the two boys stopped talking and looked at me expectantly. "It's just, I want you to keep it between us. Don't go telling."
"Yeah, sure.", they both promised me without hesitation.
"I think I…", now that the moment was there, I really had no idea how to actually say it. I was still feeling quite dizzy. But it seemed as if my mouth wasn't listening to my brain. "I think I might like girls." Shit. Did I just actually say that.


It was a few days later that I found myself in the most pure state of bliss possible. That night, my club organized a 'cantus'. It was something typical from the university of Philadelphia. It was an event, organized by the different clubs of the university, that basically consisted of singing together and drinking. And well, that time, it was my club that organized it. That also meant that the freshmen of the club were obligated to come, and drink. A lot.

Not that that was the reason of me being in such a state of bliss, no, not at all. It was the text message that Alison had sent me that noon.
Hey Em, my brother isn't coming to our cantus after all. Can I maybe crash with you tonight ? – Ali.
I really had to contain myself to not go dancing around. I answered a quick 'sure, no problem' and fell down on my bed with a wicked smile.
Not that I had a lot of time to dream. I had a class starting in half an hour so I had to get up anyway.

When I opened the door of my campus, my heart jumped upon seeing Alison's long, blonde hair in the hall. She was standing with some friends from class, including Hanna and Pineapple, and seemed to be explaining something very funny.
"Hey guys", I made some kind of waving movement with my hand as I approached them.
"Sup Em, ready for tonight ?", Alison asked me with twinkling eyes full of mischief.
I raised my eyebrows and smirked. "Girl, I was born ready. The purpose of my life is to get hammered."
Everybody laughed and Hanna added: "Why does that not surprise me at all ?"
"You better watch your mouth, Hanna," I replied turning to her. "If I recall correctly, you were the one that has done more than one trip to the hospital because of excessive alcohol abuse."
She looked at me with fake hurt but couldn't find a retort to that. "Still love you though", I chipped before I turned around and started walking to class.

I was scrolling through 9gag on my phone and yawned widely. Remind me again why I came to class today. I'd muted the professor out ever since she'd started talking about an hour ago. It was English and the subject of the day was 'different uses of adjectives'. Who the fuck cares. I for sure couldn't bring myself to, and so I had pulled out my phone and tried to keep myself a bit entertained.
I wasn't the only one who was bored out of her mind though. On my right was Pineapple, sketching a trey of fruits – which was very detailed, the girl knew how to draw – in her books instead of taking notes. On my left sat (who could've guessed) Alison, playing some games on her laptop and by the look of it, the rest of the row wasn't really paying attention either. They were either on their phones or just staring blatantly at the professor without taking in anything that she was explaining.

After another hour, class was finally over and I found myself in the hall with Alison, Hanna and Pineapple. "I'm gonna go you guys, I still have dinner to prepare and we only got like 2 hours before we have to be at the cantus."
"We should get going too, Em." Ali said, nudging my shoulder.
"Yeah I'm leaving as well." Hanna chimed in, "See you guys tonight ?"
"Yep, see you tonight !" We said goodbye and Alison and I took the bus to my dorm room.


A good two hours later, all the freshmen of the club were standing at the front door of the café where the cantus would be. Almost everyone was there: Ezra, Noel, Toby, Tim, Sarah, Pineapple, Hanna, Alison and a bunch of others that I hadn't really gotten to know yet. The club members finished getting everything ready and we were allowed in. I was trying to stay as close as possible to Alison and Hanna, so I could fetch a place to sit next to them, but the president of our club thought different about that.

"Hey Emily, hold on a sec.", she said tapping my shoulder. "Could you give me a hand with this table please ? I have to place it a bit more to the right but it's way too heavy."
"Or you're just weak as a snail, Sophie." I smirked as I turned around to help her.
"Shut up or I'll make sure you get beer with chili sauce in it."
I chuckled and made my way to the rest of my friends after I helped Sophie move the table.

By the looks of it, there only was place to sit at the very end of the table, What did I expect. Alison was sitting at the middle of the table, across from Hanna. On her left side was Ezra and on her right Toby. She made eye contact with me as I made my way towards the end of the table and mouthed a sorry, followed by an eye roll and a subtle nod towards Toby. I smirked and rolled my eyes too, so typical.
It was no secret that Toby had a thing for Alison. He followed her around everywhere and always wanted to be close to her and did everything for her if she just snapped her fingers. But she was so out of his league that it was actually pitiful.

With a thud I threw myself on the bench, next to Noel. It looked like I was going be the end of the table, with only Noel next to me and Sheila in front of me. I didn't really know the girl, but she seemed fun and outgoing so I felt like it could be a nice night after all. I started chatting with Noel and her, and soon enough the cantus started and the first song resounded through the café as we drank our beers and chanted along.


I blacked back in at the sound of my phone, ringing. A bit disoriented, I picked it up. It was Toby.
"Hey Em, where the hell are you ?"

I squinted my eyes. Why is he asking me ? I'm right here.
"I'm outside the bookstore, duh. Where the fuck are you guys ?"

"The bookstore ? What in the world are you doing there ? Hurry your ass back up here, everyone is looking for you. And wasn't Alison supposed to sleep at your dorm ?"

Shit yeah Ali, why has she left me too ?
"Uhm yeah, is she with you ? And where the hell are you guys anyway ?

"At the café where the cantus was, and yeah she's still here, but hurry up you better take her home."

Why the fuck are they there, it doesn't make any sense. And what is even going on with Ali ?
"Okay I'm on my way."

A bit confused I followed my feet to the café. When I arrived, I saw some familiar faces looking quite relieved, although I had no idea why.
Toby came running up to me: "Thank god Emily, why in the world were you at the bookstore ? After the cantus you just ran off or something, nobody saw you afterwards."

I didn't even know what was true and what not anymore. I blinked my eyes a few times but ultimately I couldn't remember how I ended up at the bookstore in the first place so I decided to just let it go.
"I don't know. Is Alison here ? She's supposed to sleep with me."

Toby raised his eyebrows, he was clearly not as wasted as I was. "Right there on the bench.", he pointed towards a bench with two people on.
I composed myself as much as I could and started walking towards it. As I approached, I saw Alison sitting on the left, her arms wrapped around a bucket and she seemed to be talking complete bullshit. The person next to her was a member of the club, who was taking care of her.

"Hey guys, Ali, I'm here."
"SO THERE YOU ARE, YOU SON OF A B-BITCH", she hiccupped. I giggled, Alison was freaking wasted.
"You been throwing up again ?", I asked amused. But before she could compose an answer, a new fit of nausea hit her and she bent over her bucket.
"We found her during the last part of the cantus on a toilet.", Shannon, who was sitting next to Ali , clarified. "She should go to sleep but we couldn't find you immediately."
"Yeah I'm sorry. I was…" what actually was I doing ? "taking a walk."
"YOU KNOW, I THINK POLICE CARS ARE PAINTED REALLY UGLY", Alison suddenly came in between, all but yelling. I gave Shannon a look and started laughing, wondering where that random comment came from.

"You might wanna tone it down Alison, they're gonna hear you if you keep yelling." Wait, who was they ? I looked up and saw to my surprise a police car, parked a few meters ahead of us.
"WHAT, IT'S TRUE. IF THEY'D ONLY LET ME PAINT THEM. SOMETHING WITH FLOWERS… OR TRIANGLES ! BUT YEAH I BET THEY WON'T LET ME. POLICE, YOUR FRIEND, BUT NOT MINE. HELL TO THE NO." Shannon and I couldn't contain our laughter anymore as we tried to keep Alison quiet.

"Maybe it's best if you just put her to bed, before we get problems with the cops. Is it a far walk to your dorm ? I'll help you get Alison there."


And that had been a very good idea. Alison didn't want to leave without the bucket, so Shannon and I ended up almost carrying her through the streets because walking wasn't really working, while she was holding tight to her bucket and talking about police cars.

When we finally arrived at my dorm after taking 20 minutes longer than normally needed, I thanked Shannon for her help and got Alison to my room on the second floor without any problems. I was still pretty wasted too, but the whole 'being responsible' thing had sobered me up a little bit.

"Sooooooo", Alison began. "I don't really have a sleeping bag and shit with me so I'll just join you in your bed.", she said with a wicked smile as she jumped on my single bed.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Prayers were overheard and dreams were coming true.
"Sure", I quickly changed into a loose shirt and shorts to sleep in.
"I'll sleep on the outside, in case I'll have to throw up again", she was sitting with a pot of leftover pasta on her knees, spitting in it. "I hope you were not going to eat that anymore."

I rolled my eyes and climbed over her to my part of the bed. "You can throw up in that pot, I don't care, as long as you don't do it on me."
Ali laughed, "I'll try", she said cheekily.

We settled in and it was clear that there was only one way to sleep comfortably in that small bed: spooning. Alison was already laying with her back towards me, and I was too drunk to really bring it up, so I scooted over a little bit and slightly wrapped my arms around her. I felt her breathing steadily and figured she already fell asleep. I smiled lightly at the thought and closed my eyes as well.
With every breath I took, I could smell Alison's perfect scent. This is something I could go to sleep to every night.