I look at my face in the mirror critically. Brown hair. Boring. Brown eyes. Also boring. Dimple. Supposedly cute. Tan skin. Supposedly exotic. Emo-haircut. Phil likes it so I love it. Overall, I don't know what to make of myself. I am wearing a black dress shirt with dark blue skinny jeans in an effort to not look too depressing with my original plan of wearing black on black.
I don't know what I should be feeling right now. I am going on a date. My first in years. All of yesterday, I had been waiting anxiously for the text that would let me get on with the first step to moving on and contemplate what it would be like since I was all by myself.
Of course today, as Phil was home all day, we spent every hour together like we usually did. I forgot how much his company made me feel good, like having liquid sunshine run through your veins, what with how much he isn't around anymore. He is my drug, and learning to wane off my attachment to him is certainly going to be no fun ride. Not to mention the fact that I was so content hanging out with Phil, I was completely confused by Louise's text – why was I meeting a random stranger at 7pm by Covent Garden station? Who am I getting flowers for? Why was I supposed to dress 'properly'? And then it hit me.
It is beyond me, even now as I am doing my shoes up ready to leave, to understand why I am wasting away hours of my life that I could be spending with Phil. But that's just it, isn't it? It's for Phil that I'm going on this stupid date. Intense regret fills me. I don't want to go on this fucking date with a fucking stranger, who enjoys this shit? God, help me.
I walk into the lounge where Phil is watching something on his laptop.
"Wow Dan! You're looking nice, where are you going?" It's almost worth dressing up when you get a response like that. My cheeks start to burn.
"I told you, I'm going on my date remember?" Recognition shows on his face but so does something else. I can't honestly say what because although he is looking right at me, it's hard for me to look at him when I know he is scrutinising my appearance. I don't know what that something is but it's certainly there.
"Yeah…Yeah you said. Louise set it up?"
"Yeah, she said she thought they'd be perfect for me, so I don't know, I thought it would be a good idea." I'm not about to tell him everything about why I am actually going out with a random stranger but I wanted to talk about it with him so I made some cover story about Louise having a friend that wants to date me or something along the lines. May as well make myself sound desirable in the process…
"No, it is. I hope that you have fun." Phil's abrupt response catches me off guard and I want to press him further when my eyes catch the clock on the mantel, showing me to be running ten minutes late already. Sigh.
"Ok, bye Phil. Don't miss me too much" Miss me. Please.
"See ya."
X - X - X
I'm a bit late but I can't see the girl I'm meeting either so I take a breather. Power walking past a thousand people is tiring work especially when you're so unfit, you get a mini heart attack climbing any number of stairs.
"Hello?" I look up, surprised, and then down, caught off guard at the voice, to stare into two pretty brown eyes. Wow. She's a lot shorter than me, with me towering her at my mighty height, but she's very attractive. She's got wavy red hair that surprises me considering the darkness of her eyes, but it looks very real and suits her pale complexion. Wow.
"Are you Dan?" her voice is sweet, matching her rather petite size.
"Yeah, and you are..?" I trail off. I wish I had taken the time to buy flowers. I really want to impress her now.
"Amelia. It's nice to meet you," She's got a nice smile too. Hmmm, maybe this won't be so hard? Already I can feel the tight reigns that Phil holds around my heart loosening.
"And you… so how do you feel about sushi?"
"Love it, lead the way!" I smile too. We walk down the road to the sushi restaurant that Phil and I always go to together and we're chatting the entire time like we've known each other for longer than just a few minutes. But it's when I can see the restaurant that something snaps in me.
I just stop walking in the middle of the pavement and Amelia took a few more steps before looking back at me incredibly confused. What the fuck is wrong with me? But whatever it is, I hate myself for it. I thought that this was what I wanted, to be out on a nice date with a pretty girl who'll help me get over Phil, but no. I don't want to take her to our sushi restaurant, it's where only Phil and I go together. It's special to me because it was here, out of the blue, that I realised that I loved Phil wholly with the entirety of my heart when he was balancing straws on his nose. Adorable, I know.
"Hey, what's the matter?" I feel bad now. I don't want to date her. I know I don't. It's not fair for me to do this.
"Nothing, can we go somewhere else, I'm really sorry…" She must think I'm a total freak.
"Sure, I like all food," God, she's so nice, she's doing that nice person thing that Phil does where he tries to be really enthusiastic so that you'll feel better. This girl, just like Phil, completely deserve someone better than me. Phil already has better. I try to pull myself together because I want to at least get through this date and have a nice time because Amelia is lovely as heck and the least she deserved is a great evening out no matter how shitty I am.
"There's this Italian place just a bit further down the road, if you don't mind?"
"Of course not!" Amelia smiles and I want so badly to want to date her because she is perfect for me. In the little time we've spent together I already know that she's into all the things I am but I can't and won't force myself to date her because I am not going to use her to wipe away my problems with Phil.
The date looked up from that point and I can happily say that it was a great date and that I had a fun time talking to her about everything from bands to least favourite X-factor judge to most used sock colours. I am an idiot for letting a girl like this go. Oh well.
At the end of the date she says "I had a wonderful time, Dan, really, but I know your heart is with someone else, so go and chase them, you're an amazing boy and any girl would be lucky to have you." Urgh, she's just like Phil, so nice. Phil. The image she was painting seemed so easy which in reality is everything but. Either way it's not her problem. I thank her and we part ways.
Phil's still up when I return and he's on my case as soon as I walk in through the door.
"Ooh, tell me! How was it? Was she nice?...Are you going out again?" He says this last part differently and the face is back. The same face from before.
"Hello Phil, and yes, she was, incredibly so, no really I mean it, she was so lovely the stars may as well have shined from her face…" What am I doing? Am I trying to make him jealous? Well, technically, I'm not exaggerating either, Amelia is just as nice as I'm saying and he has Lily, he's not going to be jealous. But when I look back at Phil, he seems…sad almost? I stop talking. I'm making him sad? I backtrack quickly.
"But actually, Phil, we aren't going to be seeing each other," I am reading every bit of his expression but all I am getting is confusion, but maybe, just maybe a slight lift of the lips? Now I'm the confused one. What is going on?
"W-why not?" His voice cracked. Oh my god. What? Phil's ears burn bright red.
I smile a bit, "I don't know, I don't think she's the one… Anyways, goodnight Phil."
Sorry it's been awhile, school's started again which means I have significantly less time but I am trying my hardest. As always, feel free to review! Always appreciated! Hope you guys like it :)
