I remained isolated in my quarters for the rest of the evening. Trevelyan occasionally walked about the ship, but he respected my privacy. Although I would have liked his company, I felt weakened and didn't want to be seen in this state. I had hoped that meditation could focus my thoughts, but I simply had too much on my mind. It also seemed that the more I thought about past events, the harder it was to understand why I acted as I did.
I knew why I joined the Sith; that much was obvious, but the reasons why I started thinking and acting like one... that I couldn't understand. It frightened me as to how easily I learned to hurt others without giving it a second thought. I despised Omeesh for his wickedness, but I came to act exactly as he did. The only difference was that I did not take the sadistic pleasure in watching another's suffering.
At first, I did only what I had to in order to survive among the Sith. I soon learned to regard everyone around me as a threat and not hesitate to strike at them. As I witnessed the heinous acts committed by my competitors, I was determined to never become one of them. It wasn't long before my hatred was directed from slavery to the ways of the Sith.
As the months passed, my anger towards slavery had been twisted into a terrible form. It wasn't long before I had to start violating my personal values in order to achieve my goals. The first time I murdered someone, I knew it was wrong, but I did it regardless.
When Uthar ordered me to strike him down, I ignited my lightsaber and raised it high above my head and held it there. I stalled as I tried to find a reason to justify my action, but I found none. My victim was not even a Sith; he was tied down and posed no threat to me. This was not a battle... it was an execution… a murder and I almost pulled back, but then I thought about the slaves I vowed to free...
People of countless races were bound by chains. Entire civilizations have been deprived of their freedom... and there I was, still worrying about the finer points of morality. It had to stop! I had to do whatever it took to ensure that no one else suffered as I have! Fighting the slavers... bringing them to justice... breaking their chains... THOSE WERE THE PRIORITIES!
Everything changed after that...
Maybe the Jedi Council was right to reject me. As much as I hated to admit it, Vrook was right. I was the one who chose to leave the jedi. It may simply have been that there was no turning back. It was I who chose to embrace the Sith; and I had to live with the consequences of that decision. What Omeesh did to me was unjust, but it didn't give me the right to harm others in the same manner.
I checked the time and saw that it was already 00:21 the next day. I was surprised at how late it was. Trevelyan had long since been in his quarters and most likely sound asleep.
Then I got curious as to how well one such as he sleeps. Perhaps it would have given me some comfort to know that someone like him doesn't lie awake at night like me.
When I came to his doorway, there was faint lighting, but just enough illumination to make out his face. One such as Trevelyan must have had more on his own mind than I, yet he looked so peaceful, so still, and so quiet. It was comforting to just watch him rest.
I've rarely been able to get a decent night's sleep, even while I was with the jedi. The memories of Sleheyron continued to torment me as I could never forget the screams of pain... each time I had been violated... the voice of that hut still echoed in my mind. I frequently had nightmares that often woke me to a reality worse than the nightmare.
I still clung to hope that one day they would cease… somehow, watching this former dark lord of the sith gave me some. Much greater issues troubled him, yet he could still get a decent night's rest. I envied him for that.
After a few minutes, I realized that I had to try and get some sleep. Tomorrow was going to be an important day, so I had to be rested and focused. When I turned to walk out of the doorway, I was startled to hear Trevelyan's voice. "If you wanted to talk, I'm still awake."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you."
He chuckled a bit and sounded very much awake. "You can't disturb what's not asleep."
I turned back to face him. "Actually, there was something that I was wondering."
"Yes?"
"Do you have trouble sleeping at night? Do your memories keep you awake?"
He sat up from his bed only in his undergarments; exposed from the waist up. Although I expected him to be in top physical condition, I never really thought about what he would look like without clothes. I tried to avoid looking, but I couldn't deny that I was attracted. The definition of his muscles seemed as if he had honed his body to allow the greatest balance of musculature to flexibility. After a moment of staring at his chest, I pushed those thoughts aside and focused my attention back on his face. I did ask a question.
He answered, "It's not the memories themselves, but how they came to exist. I know that my parents... not my biological parents... were a significant part of my life. I know they never existed, yet I cannot bring myself to accept that they never were. So much of who I am came from all these false experiences. It's difficult to let them go despite knowing that most of my life was just a fantasy, but it's difficult to accept the truth. All these people I've known…" He sighed and took a deep breath. "…it's like everyone I knew had died."
I nodded sympathetically. "I'm sorry."
He looked away from me and shook his head. "But no one has died... they simply never were. I have accepted the truth and I know that the best thing is to let it go." He looked into my eyes with pain. "I don't want to let go of everything I thought I was. Those memories I was given are a part of who I am. I still feel love for my family, respect for my friends, remorse for acts I've never done. All of those emotions and feelings seemed to make sense. Before I ever learned the truth, I felt... normal. I had no reason to question myself because I thought I had an entire lifetime of experiences to rely on." He sighed. "But when I learned that everything I ever knew was just created by the Council, all of that changed. I started doubting everything that I once knew because..." He paused for a moment to think. "Our experiences guild our principles and define who we are. We each have moral values that are defined by our experiences."
"But after learning that your memories were created instead of lived..."
He nodded. "It was like everything I ever valued meant nothing."
I took a knee in front of him. "When did you learn your true identity?"
"A few days before I arrived on Korriban."
I was shocked to hear such an answer. "I don't believe you."
"It's the truth."
"How could you have coped with something like that in only a few days? If I learned that all my memories were made up... I don't know how I'd have dealt with such a thing."
He smiled at me. "Despite what happened, I did have some real values that didn't come from my false memories. In the four months since my memories were created, I've done many things across many planets. Despite thinking of myself as nothing, I could see proof that I was still a real person. After learning the truth, my friends said they would follow me... they comforted me... and continued to look up to me. When they all told me it didn't matter to them who I once was... I saw that the false memories did have a real impact on the ones that I cared for. Because it was important that I found the Star Forge, I was able to put aside my personal feelings to achieve a greater good. I knew I couldn't let myself by distracted, or the Republic would have fallen." He sighed deeply and leaned his head back. "But now that Malak has been dealt with, doubt has begun gnawing at me again. I've lied awake at night trying to sort through whether or not I should try to forget those false memories. I know that they aren't real, but I don't want to let go of them." He shook his head. "It's pathetic of me to keep embracing a fantasy life."
I shook my head in denial. "I think you are far greater than you ever were as the Dark Lord. If you think any less of yourself because you have a full life of false memories... don't. I think much more of you, Alex Trevelyan, than anyone I have ever met."
"Yuthura, you don't have to..."
"I mean it. Whoever you are..." I put my hands on his shoulders and declared to him "...It was you who became my friend. It was you who reached out to a lost sith and showed her what she had become. You convinced me to turn away from the dark side. I could not imagine anyone else who could have done that; jedi or otherwise. It was because of those memories that you became who you are now. Your memories may have been created, but if they serve to help you and help others... then I see no reason why you should forget them."
He gave me a look of uncertainty.
I remembered something that I felt was appropriate for him. "We can never truly escape the past, nor can we rewrite it; hoping to lesson our pain. The best thing we can do is continue to learn and take from the past only that which is good and move on. Because ideals flow from the past, defining our present and shaping our future."
He smiled. "You are wise... you know that?"
I shook my head. "That's what my old master sometimes said to me. I thought it was the right thing to say."
"Who was your master, anyway?"
After a moment, I finally answered. "Alfred Kolchak."
"Do you have any idea what happened to him?"
I shook my head. "I should've tried to find out when I was on Dantooine."
"Well when we reach Couriscant, you could find out then."
After a long moment of silence, Trevelyan made a comment that made me feel better about myself. "When I look at my real friends... you, Bastila, Carth, Mission... it's like I don't want to cling to those false memories anymore. The more real friends I have, the less I think about my old life."
I chuckled at what he said. "It's been a long time since someone has called me 'friend.' I'm grateful that you still consider me as such."
He continued to smile at me, but turned his head to look at the clock behind me. "It's late. We should both try to get some rest."
"I suppose that would be for the best. I hope you have a pleasant sleep... my friend."
