Chapter 4:

Disclaimer: On pain of Alucard, I swear that I don't own Hellsing.

A Memo to the Following Members of the Hellsing Organization, from

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing:

Alucard: Much like Seras, you are not allowed to make a vampiric horse, and you are most certainly not allowed climb onto said horse, cut off your head, and carry it around pretending to be the Headless Horseman. What's wrong with you?

Seras Victoria: Stop helping Alucard with his pranks by getting the soldiers intoxicated and preventing them from informing me of what's going on. It's bad enough when he pulls this shit on his own, the last thing I need is for him to have an accomplice! Addendum: I don't believe for a moment that you're innocent or that my troops "just wanted to have a drink with you." Every damn soldier under my employ wants to have a drink with you, but you've never done so before now!

Walter C. Dornez: I do not appreciate your attempts to hide my cigars in an attempt to keep me from smoking. I understand the concern for my health, but I'm far more likely to die from the stress of dealing with Alucard and his new conspirator without my cigars than I ever am from lung cancer!

Pip Bernadotte: If I get woken up one more time by the drunken parties coming from your end of the compound, I'm going to have you on toilet cleaning duty for the next month!

A Memo to the Following Members of the Iscariot Organization, from Enrico Maxwell:

Father Alexander Anderson: You are to stop sending me poorly disguised "anonymous requests" encouraging me to send you out to fight Alucard. I would be more than happy to wipe him and Hellsing off the face of the God's Earth, but the diplomatic troubles of a direct assault would never leave me time to organize a effective crusade! You will simply have to be patient. Addendum: That does not mean you can come charging into my office and demand I send you out instead!

A Memo to the Following Members of the Letztes Battalion, from The Major:

Herr Doctor: Please stop laughing maniacally while performing experiments. I'm well aware it's rather fun to do, but the battalion members are beginning to become unnerved, and considering they're literal Nazi vampires, I believe you must concede that your laugh is rather disturbing.

Warrant Officer Schrodinger: Stop setting pamphlets in my room labeled: "Tips for maintaining a healthy diet." It was funny the first few times, but covering my entire wall with them is going a little too far.

Luke Valentine: If you're going to brainstorm witty one-liners for after you destroy Alucard, please to it in your own free time, away from other people. The rest of our members are starting to have something of a laugh at your expense, and you have to admit it is a little excessive.

First Lieutenant Zorin Blitz: Please refrain from idling twirling your scythe around. Quite a number of our members have nearly lost their arms, and while I find it rather amusing, if I don't tell you to stop I'll have Herr Doctor yelling at me again about "not causing injury to our troops," and other such nonsen- I mean words of wisdom.