Chapter 4: Writing in a journal causes confusion
Authors note: Most of this story will be in Bella's POV, the reason I started with Edward in the first chapter was to give you guys an idea on where he was coming from. Just putting that out there before anyone asks. Thanks for reading here she is! Maybe it's a little later than preferred but hey, it's still Tuesday!
…
…
BPOV
I never thought I was possible to hate sitting. Although, today I discovered a whole new world. I also discovered a new enemy. Hard. Wood. Chairs. There we not many in my house and I was thankful for that, but then I come to realize even the couch or recliner hurts.
"Edward, I can't sit…" I complained.
"Haha, I remember my first spanking. It will only be for a day or so." Edward laughed at me.
"I hope its better tomorrow." I said with a frown while I lounged on my side on the couch.
I ate some toast and a small fruit salad. And it was pretty good. I knew Edward was trying to get me to gain weight. He didn't tell me that himself, but giving me extra large portions as well as unhealthy foods gives it away. Sneaky bastard.
"Bella, I was thinking we could get you your journal today. There is a stationary store right in town. I bet they have one." Edward said with enthusiasm.
"Alright. that's fine." I said. Honestly I was pissed. I hated writing in a journal. Always have always will.
"Let me get changed and we can go." I said finishing up the last few bites and throwing on some clothes. I didn't bother with a shower, after all I would be back in twenty minutes. Like I would see anyone I knew or even liked for that matter.
"I'm ready." I said waiting by the door.
"Lets go love." Edward said waking me to the passenger side of the car.
We drove for three minutes until we arrived right smack dab in the middle of town. I saw a few people out. But nobody I knew well.
We rushed into the store and we started to look at opposite ends of the store. Edward went straight for stationary paper while I went towards the journal section.
"Find one?" Edward asked sneaking up behind me.
"Fuck.." I breathed out slowly, but it caught Edward attention while he lightly tapped my ass so nobody would notice.
"Ow, really? you scared me." I turned around and whispered.
"We are in public, don't cuss." Edward said giving me the eye.
"Fine… I like this one." I said picking up a black leather journal with a lock.
"Alright, it looks good, are you ready?" He asked.
"Yeah.." I said handing him the item and waiting for him to pay.
Edward paid for the journal and we made out way back to my house. Like before the ride only took a short while. I carried the small plastic bag that had the journal in it and Edward and I made our way to the living room.
"When am I supposed to write in it?" I asked flipping through the empty pages.
"Well, whenever you want. As long as you have something to show Carlisle next time." Edward answered.
"Oh, that makes sense." I said flipping the pages once more.
I had feelings. But I couldn't explain them. It was like a mix. I could feel one way at one moment but then at the snap of a finger I felt completely opposite. Was this something I should write in my journal? My journal. I hated thinking that. After a few minutes I came to a decision that I should write something.
"I'm going up to my room to write in my journal… I should at least get something in before the next session." I said with a smile. Edwards face lit up to my words.
"Alright, I will be down here." Edward said as I made my way to the place I call my bedroom.
Sitting on my purple comforter, with a pen in hand as well as my journal opened to the very first page. I guess the first thing to do would be to date the page. Fuck.. What was the date.
I grabbed the laptop that was only about five feet away and looked in the calendar. Today was in fact, November Twenty Third. I closed out and opened the web browser. I surfed the web for a while, looking at Amazon and Facebook. As usual nothing new, then I looked at the time and realized that I wasted about twenty five minutes.
I better get started. I thought to myself.
The laptop was set down next to me on the bed. For the third time looking at an empty page. Only to have the date written on it seconds later.
November twenty third
Well this whole writing my feelings is all new to me, but I'm just going to go with it. Honestly, I am hurt beyond belief. Edward coming back has resurfaced so many feeling I have had the moment he left. The biggest feeling being confusion. When Edward left I thought it was so sudden. After all we were laughing and talking about the future barely 24 hours before. I feel like it was something I said. Maybe something I did.
The first few months I blamed myself. In a way I blamed myself the whole entire time. I turned to things that were not the healthiest ways of coping. The again, my unhealthy ways is what got me to therapy in the first place. I didn't mention it in the first session for reasons I don't understand. It could have been anywhere to being embarrassed about how stupid the whole ordeal was or just the fact that I still think about doing it.
I know I'm sick. I feel like I'm critically insane. I love the way the blade feels gliding across my wrist. And the first spot of red drives me to cut even more.
You know what? Writing about cutting made me realize a part of why I cut in the first place. Edward. I thought to myself that if I cut Edward would come back. I always had a theory, its kind of silly. I would see Edward. I would see him almost everywhere I went. When I came to the realization that when I was about to do something dangerous, I would see him. I craved danger after that. I thought he was lurking in the woods or something. When I figured out it was only my imagination a part of me didn't care. If I saw Edward who cared what would happen.
I didn't care what would happen to me. I didn't think anyone else would either. My dad was gone almost every night. I tried to deny it but he has a girlfriend. Her name is Sue. You probably know her. She lived on the reservation with Jacob. It was like I lived alone. And I was okay with that.
The worst time I have ever cut was the time Edward was watching, it was also the first time I cut. I remember it at least once everyday. If not more. I rather not write details. I'm not ready to talk about that.
After my cutting, I began to starve myself. I know how original. Something about a girl starving herself after a break up seems so common. But its when you go through it you feel all alone. I had reasons for that to. And keep in mind, my reasons are not excusable by any means. I was in a tough place and if weather or not you understand is not my problem.
I was hungry. All the time. Morning, noon and night. It wasn't like I lost my appetite. I felt like not eating would be some sort of punishment. I told myself I didn't deserve to have all the luxuries that everyone else got. And food was a luxury. I are maybe about 100 if not less calories per day. There was one time I didn't eat for two whole days before I cracked and picked up a burger at a fast food place. Not long after I threw it up. I will have you know I was not bulimic by any means. Maybe it was the fact that I was not used to eating so much at once or I don't even know. But after that, I realized I needed to stop depriving myself.
I ate again. Slow but sure I built myself back up to three meals every day. I always picked a healthy choice. A light breakfast, a light ,lunch and eventually a full blown supper. I had to say I was much happier after that.
But then the cutting became worse. I still have scars that will never be able to go away. I am not necessarily proud of them either. There are three on each wrist. Two on one and three on the other remain scars but one. One. One of them is fresh. I did it the night Edward came back, or maybe it was the day after. I always have a hard time remembering, some thing about cutting myself puts me in a haze. Its difficult to explain.
Edward was at my side not even ten seconds after the slash. He bandaged it up. As well as my other wrist. The reason for that, so I wouldn't cut that too. Edward was mad. I knew he was. He didn't say much, I don't think he could to be honest. But I do remember his words.
"Isabella. I'm not kidding. This is serious and if you treat this like a fucking joke I shit you not you will not sit for three months." He said to me.
Yes, Edward threatened to spank me, and from different reasons above. I guess this is a good time to talk about this subject. Maybe I will wait until you finish reading this.
I do want Edward to feel bad about it though. I know he did it out of love. So, I guess I am not mad about that. Although I thought I put up one hell of a fight!
Anyways, I don't have anymore to say right now. I guess we will talk about everything in here..
It took me an a little over an hour to write my feelings in a few short paragraphs. I took many pauses to think, to cry, and to be honest with myself. I guess you could say I am trying. Writing things about the last seven months was not very easy and I'm sure there is more to write. But for now, that is all I'm wiling to say.
"Bella?" Edward said as he knocked on my door.
"Yeah?" I said wiping the last few tears off of my face. Closing my journal as well as locking it.
"I am assuming you just finished? Am I right?" He asked poking his head in the door.
"Yes, just now actually. You can come in." I said with a smile setting my journal aside.
Edward sat on the bed next to me. I scooted closer to him. I just wanted to snuggle. That was a reasonable request I thought. Edward and I were as close as ever at the moment, well physically that is. I was clinging to him like my life depended on it. I guess there is irony in that. I was clinging to him for my life. If he didn't come back I don't know where I would be in the next few months.
"Your beautiful." Edward whispered while kissing my temple.
"Thank you, Can I ask you something?' I said. I guess now was a good of time as any to say what I needed to say.
"Anything for you." Edward said.
"Where were you in the seven months you were gone?" I asked.
"My family and I went to our cousins in Alaska, The Denali's. Why do you ask?" Edward said in all honesty.
"Oh, umm I was just wondering." I lied. Yes I did want to know. But at the same time I wanted, no, I needed more answers.
"Alright. Is there anything else you want to ask? I will be honest about everything." He told me pulling me close. Yeah closer. Like that was possible.
"No, well yes. But not now. I want to sleep." I said shutting my eyes.
I shut my eyes. I felt like I was going to burst into tears. I didn't really have a reason to. Just a sudden urge of sadness overcame my body. What the hell is wrong with me?
"Bella? Are you okay, your heart rate is picking up.." Edward said concerned.
"I will be fine." I lied again. Jesus, why am I telling white lies?
"No, I am concerned. What's on your mind?" Edward said.
"N-Nothing, I'm f-f-fine." I stuttered.
"Bella, baby, please talk to me." He begged. He sounded so concerned. The tears were unstoppable. I let them pour down my face willingly. There was no telling what I would say.
"I can't. I don't trust you!" I blurted out. I feel like there were more tears than I thought.
"Tell me why Bella." He asked. He wasn't harsh. Nor concerned. He was rather calm.
"Because you left me! No reason, It was like you were here and then you were gone! You told me you would always love me. But boy was I wrong. I couldn't even wrap my head around what you were saying before you left. I couldn't even try to get you to stay! So Edward… you tell me why?! Its seriously killing me." I said. It was in tones of ups and downs. I could barely talk. But I knew he caught everything I was saying.
"Bella relax. I can tell you everything. Just calm down a little. I want you to really listen." Edward said.
We sat for a few minutes. The crying stopped. And the tears still lingered on my face, they were dried and felt uncomfortable. I took a deep breath before I spoke.
"Okay, I'm calm." I said.
"Are you sure? If you need another minute.." Edward said unsure of my emotions.
"I'm fine.. Please, continue." I said.
"Alright, bare with me and ask anything when I finish okay?" he asked
"Yeah. I will." I said. I needed these answers.
"I left because I love you. I wanted to protect you. After that whole Jasper thing, I was torn. I know the situation seemed silly to you, but that's one thing you don't understand. What if Jasper wasn't the only one to loose control that night? Huh? I wouldn't be able to protect you from my entire family. It just wouldn't be possible. And one slip, all it takes is one Isabella, to kill you. And if you were dead, it would be like I died all over again." He said.
"Do you understand everything I have said so far?" Edward asked.
"Yes, is there anything else?" I asked.
"Yes there is." Edward said taking a pause.
"I felt like if I left I was protecting you. If there were no vampires around you, you would be safe… Also another perk to it was you would get a chance at a normal life. I was taking that from you, and being here right now is also taking that from you. You know how I feel about changing you. This is not a life you want. I walk around this earth everyday like I have for the past 109 years. I don't eat, and I don't sleep. I can't cry or feel physical pain…" He paused.
"I'm dead Bella. I don't want to let you live like I do. It's not a gift or anything like that. A real life for you is all I want. Its all I will ever want." He said.
"To me Edward, it's not even about being like you anymore. Honestly in these past seven months I just need you. For now. Before I even think about becoming a vampire, at all, I need become myself again. I've changed Edward, and it's not okay." I assured him.
"Alright. I am happy to hear you say that. Do you understand why I left now?" He asked.
"Edward I don't think I ever will, But then again, I will always try." I said. I was happy to get something out of him.
"Isabella, you may not feel this way now, but I love you. I always have. Promise me you wont ever forget that?" Edward asked.
"I know that now." I said with a smile.
"Hey Edward?" I asked.
"Yes?" he said.
"I love you too." I said. There I said it. And I sure as hell meant it. Maybe I loved him more right now than I did ever. But I don't know. I'm still so confused.
After this afternoon and evening, I defiantly have more to add to my journal.
Authors Note: Thanks for reading! Hope to see you all next week!
