Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye

By: Lesera128

Rated: T

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.

Summary: A series of one-shots about the life of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place in the universe created in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." Remus/Tonks. AU.

Author's Note: This series of one-shots are best thought of as snapshots of moments that take place just chronologically before, concurrently with, or after the events detailed in my story "If Wishes Were Goodbyes." I wrote these pieces at the same time I began that story in 2005/2006, so it will help if you have read what is written of that story first. As a matter a fact, if you haven't read some of the first few chapters of that story, you will most likely be confused at things referenced I this story.

Fair warning: "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" currently remains uncompleted. It isn't because I have given up on that story, but simply put, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. So, for the purposes of this story, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent. I do intend, at some point, to complete the story (there are only two chapters and two epilogues left to write anyway)… I just need to find some motivation.

Negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons. I am posting these series of one-shots more for the sake that they are complete, and some people have been curious as to where the plot of "If Wishes Were Goodbyes" ended up… so, if you are curious, stay tuned to find out….

Please note that this chapter is set in July, 1981 (Harry's 1st Birthday). I am still playing with the timeline just a bit... I know I have previously stated that the Potters were killed when Tonks was in her third year, but for the purposes of the story, it seems to be that it will work better if they were killed in her fifth year. Fortunately, I can play with continuity like this... hopefully, my readers will forgive me in the hopes of making the story more compelling.


Chapter 4 – Clearing the Air (A Flashback)


"You don't really like me, do you, Tonks?"

Momentarily caught off guard, Tonks looked up from the glass of lemonade that had seemingly held her attention for last few moments. At Lily's words, she reluctantly looked up over the rim of the glass, and her blue eyes met questioning green eyes.

Lily Evans Potter sat in a lounge chair opposite from Tonks. Both sat under an umbrella, enjoying the languid haze of the late summer afternoon. Lily held a dozing baby Harry in her lap, as he lay propped up against her chest. His head rested just under the spot on her chest where her heart beat steadily. For the baby, at least, all was right with the world.

Tonks, on the other hand, was caught so off kilter by Lily's question, she remained speechless for a moment. As she considered the question, which truly had come from out of the blue, she finally looked up at Lily and decided the best way to probe for the source of the question would be to answer it with one of her own.

"Why would you say that, Lily?"

Lily pursed her lips for a moment before she shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. It's not that you've ever done or said anything discourteous or rude. It's just a feeling I've had... for a good long while, now that I think about it."

"I don't hate you," Tonks said, quickly… a bit too quickly, so some might say it was a bit of a defensive response.

Lily smiled an infuriating calm smile. "I never said you did."

"But -"

"All I said was that I think that you don't like me. That doesn't mean that you hate me, of course, it just means that you don't like me," Lily said, matter-of-factly. "What I can't figure out is… well, to be blunt, how we can move beyond that."

Tonks was silent for a moment. She ran her finger up and down the outside of her lemonade glass, leaving a trail through the beads of condensation, which had gathered in the heat of the July afternoon. The few months that she had off during her summer vacations were among Tonks' most favorite times of the year. She was sixteen, and she normally enjoyed days like today - it was warm, and there was a general peacefulness about the air, even if she was in Godric's Hollow… For, if there was one thing that could be said about Godric's Hollow was that Lily and James Potter's house was not usually described using the adjective 'peaceful'… particularly when more than two of the Marauders were in residence at any given time..

The sounds of a crash were followed by a muffle of curses as Lily and Tonks were both distracted from their conversation. Glancing in the direction of the makeshift Quidditch pitch that James and Sirius had designed, Tonks saw James pummeling Sirius as Sirius was trying to get to Remus. Peter Pettigrew watched on in excited glee as he cheered on James in his efforts.

"Get him, James!"

"Peter, don't encourage him!" Remus yelled.

"Geroff of me, Prongs! Moony is dead no matter what you do! That was an illegal move, and you know it!" Sirius exclaimed.

"It was *NOT* illegal," Remus shouted. "Just because it resulted in you losing the game does *not* mean that the move was illegal."

"He has a point there, Sirius," Peter called.

"Sod off, Peter," Sirius yelled. "Now, I really mean it, James, let me go. Remus is a dead man, and if you don't let me go right now, I'm going to have to do something we'll both regret."

James laughed, highly amused as he shook his head. "I don't think so, Padfoot. But, it is a nice thought. Now, come here!" James shouted, as he took another lunge towards Sirius, who had momentarily slipped free of James' grasp.

Any other two women would have immediately panicked as the four friends engaged in what most normal witches and wizards would consider an all out brawl. However, Tonks and Lily merely sat sipping their lemonade and turned back to their conversation. Harry turned his head in the direction of the raised voices, but remained partially dozing in Lily's lap.

"They're never going to change, are they?" Tonks said with a raised eyebrow.

Lily laughed, "Probably not. But, at least with the four of them working off that that disgusting amount of excessive energy that they all seem to have been gifted with, maybe we'll have a peaceful dinner for once..."

"One can only hope," Tonks chuckled.

A series of sharp barks suddenly pierced the air as Sirius disappeared and had been replaced with the huge bearing of a large black dog.

"I'm warning you, Sirius," James yelled at the dog. "You better leave Remus be or else a really big stag is going to kick your scrawny canine arse..."

Another loud bark, a short yap really, rang out before the dog charged at Remus, who was now beginning to laugh so hard he could hardly run. In another moment, James had disappeared and a stag chased after the dog. Peter remained behind, trailing after his friends, calling out to the other three Marauders for them to wait until he could catch up.

Lily shook her head and shifted baby Harry from her left shoulder to her right. "No, some things never change."

Tonks laughed. "Don't you ever get frustrated with them?"

"Sure," Lily said. "Same as you do. I just know what to expect a bit more than you. Anytime you get the four of them together with brooms on a quidditch pitch with a reason to celebrate, all hell usually can and does break loose. And, considering that this one," Lily gestured at the baby, "... is a year old today, as I said, I knew what to expect."

"But how do you put up with that?" Tonks prodded. "It seems so difficult."

Lily smiled. "Oh, it's not terribly difficult, I promise you. It just looks that way because I've been doing it for so long, which is really my secret trick. You see, I've just had a longer time to get used to each of their personalities and how they interact, so, like I said, I know what to expect... and so will you one day, in the not too distant future, if you're patient enough..."

Tonks looked up at her in confusion, "What do you mean?"

Lily shrugged, "Right now, you interact with the four of them merely as Sirius' baby cousin. That will change when you become Remus' girlfriend."

At Lily's matter-of-fact words, Tonks dropped her glass. While the glass didn't break when it hit the grass, lemonade and ice went everywhere. Tonks felt a knot come into her throat as she swallowed a painful gasp of air before she said.

"Excuse me?" Tonks said.

Lily smiled. "I'm not so blind that I can't see your secret, Tonks, no matter how hard you try to hide it. I know you fancy him." Lily's smile faltered for a split second as she looked away from Tonks and murmured... "Believe me, if there is anyone who knows what that looks like, it would be me."

"But, I'm only sixteen," Tonks said, flabbergasted.

"And Remus is twenty-two," Lily said matter-of-factly.

"He's older than me," Tonks said. "He... I... we..., *that* could never happen."

Lily smiled as she said, "Never is a long time. And, besides, in what… a year? A year and a little more? Then you'll be of age, and then it won't really matter how old he is or how old you are, will it?" She smiled as she said, "Besides, Remus is a very patient man when it concerns something he wants."

She paused before she said, "And, anyway, sometimes, when fate is involved, there's no escaping whatever one's destiny is." She nodded towards the baby as she said, "If that weren't the case, this little one here wouldn't exist, and I would still hate James' guts."

"I don't know what to say," Tonks said at last. She leveled her gaze at Lily. "Why are you telling me all this?"

Lily shrugged, "Well, Remus certainly isn't going to, and since he isn't, somebody has to do it. You need to know these things..."

"What do you mean?" Tonks asked in confusion.

Lily stopped and finally said in carefully measured words. "I think I should preface this by saying, while I know you're still young in a lot of ways, I'm not going to condescend to you and not treat you like an adult. More importantly, even if you don't like me, I *do* like you, Dora. I think you're a wonderful person, and since things didn't work out between Remus and me, I couldn't think of anyone else I would want him to be with, to make him happy. Because, even if he doesn't know *why*yet... you do make him happy. The happiest I ever see him, actually."

Tonks looked at Lily wide-eyed, but remained silent as Lily continued.

"I know I'm probably being a lot more candid with you that you're used to, Dora, especially considering the fact that you have grown up with the four of them as brothers more than anything... But, I just have this *feeling* that there are things I need to tell you now, because if I don't, I get this terrible foreboding sense that I might not ever have another chance, and there are things I need to tell you here and now even if you don't comprehend all of them," Lily said.

She looked off in the direction where Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter had disappeared to, took a breath, and then said. "What happened... or what didn't happen between Remus and I, well, I know you know something about it. I've known for a long time that's the reason why we've never been able to get close… no matter how badly I've wanted to... There aren't a lot of females in the so-called Marauder circle... aside from you and your mum and a couple of others. But, even still, there's no way anyone can argue there is a lot more testosterone in the room with them than estrogen, and truth to be told, I really only like you and your mum out of most of the other girls... but, you've just been a part of their lives for so much longer than I have that I sometimes have resented you…" She stopped, took a breath, then looked at Tonks and smiled. "But, as I've gotten older, the need to acquire female allies against those four hellions has grown stronger, and it's made me want to try harder to be your friend if you'll let me," Lily said.

She was quiet for a moment, a smile trailing off her face as she looked in the direction of the quidditch pitch. She then looked up at Tonks, a renewed seriousness in her voice as she said…. "Anyway, I don't know exactly what you know, and maybe it isn't important. If and when the day comes when you have need of that knowledge, I'm more than certain Remus will tell you what you need to know, and even if he doesn't, I want you to know that you can always come to me." Lily smiled, "I promise, anything I can answer for you I will so long as Remus is okay with it."

Narrowing her eyes, Lily winked and said, "And maybe even if he isn't, so long as it stays between us."

It was at that moment that baby Harry stopped dozing and looked up at his mother. He scrunched his face in a look of unhappiness and began to whimper. As he started to cry, Lily looked at Tonks and said, "Listen, Tonks... I'm not telling you all this because I expect anything back. After you've had some time to think about it, if you want to talk again…. and maybe even try to be friends? Well, I think I'd like that... a lot… But, if not, that's okay too. Just know that you're always welcome here, and if there is anything I can do for you, all you have to do is ask."

Harry was really crying, and Lily frowned as she sniffed the air. "Hmmm, the birthday boy has a dirty nappie, I think."

Tonks sat as Lily got up and moved to take the baby inside. "I'll be right back, okay?"

Tonks nodded mutely as Lily disappeared. She was in shock as Lily's words sunk in, and Tonks only seemed to be able to process the fact that if Lily knew her secret than who else did? Because, if Remus did, or Merlin- what about Sirius? If any of them knew, Tonks knew she would just curl up and die.

Tonks wasn't sure to be relived or angry now that merry angel Lily had seemingly absolved Tonks of her sole reason for hating Lily and simultaneously claimed the role of good samaritan. At last, Tonks settled for stunned and righteous anger as she began to fume before she heard a voice call to her softly.

"One day, Dora, you're going to look up and wonder when you stopped doubting yourself and what people who love you tell you, and when you do, you'll know such a passionate pleasure that there is really no fit description for it," Lily said. She had stopped midway between the lawn chairs and the patio door. "You just have to believe in yourself... and have trust... faith, if you will, even if you don't know why you have that faith in the first place," she added with a smile.

And, though the pair never again spoke of their conversation, Lily's confusing and infuriatingly wise words stayed with Tonks even as she resentfully muttered under her breath, "Maybe I wouldn't have to believe in myself if you weren't so bloody perfect…."

Although she was too young to understand much of the wisdom that Lily had imparted to her on that July day at the time, just as Lily had predicted, one day Tonks would stop doubting herself. And, on that day, her unfinished business with Remus Lupin would finally be concluded… for better or worse.

And, on that day, from wherever she was, Lily Evans Potter looked down as she smiled and murmured to herself, "I told you so."


-TBC-