Title: I Think I Need a Lobotomy

Author: the Midnight Ghost

Rating: K+ for Switzerland's awkwardness and fail make-out scenes

Characters: Vash(Switzerland), Elizabeta(Hungary), Tino(Finland), Berwald(Sweden), Alfred/Arthur(USUK), Donatello/Michelle(Seborga/Seychelles), Jan/Christina(Luxembourg/Singapore), Laura/Emilie(Belgium/Monaco), Ludwig/Feliciano(Germany/South Italy), and Feliks/Toris(Poland/Lithuania)

Summary: Being a gatekeeper was a rather boring job. At least, not when it means breaking the secret rendezvous everyone has, stumbling into things Vash really doesn't want to see. Brain bleach, anyone?

AN: This is set about a month after Vash starts out as a gatekeeper. Warning: this does have BL, shounen ai, slash, whatever.

Italics are Vash's thoughts.

Thanks to yeeeitscarmen for beta-ing!

I'm going to be writing in past tense for most of this, as it's talking about the past.

Note: This story talks about nobles from the past. I am pretty sure none of them exist now, so just pretend that they live in a world where there are kings and queens in a modern setting. Also, no historical references were made to choose which country got which position. You have been warned.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia. If I did, I still wouldn't believe it.

-o-

Even if Hetalia is a strange castle filled with odd nobles, quirky servants, and several exotic animals, Vash has no problem settling in. He does not know why. The people from his old village back in Switzerland expected him to get kicked out after a week; his explosive temper even worse without Lilli there to calm him down. To their surprise he lasted the first week, then the second, then the third, and finally a month.

Vash is a bit surprised too, although not for that reason. For a castle filled with high-class noblemen and women there are few visitors, and even fewer attackers. Not that the inhabitants are ill-mannered and unsociable, it's just that aren't nobles social butterflies? It just doesn't add up in Vash's mind.

So his job is lenient. He could slack off and goof around with the nobles(like what all the other guards do) but Vash is not one to do things halfway and then abandon them. First day on the job he demanded a meeting at the front gate, barked out new positions, shifts, and "If I catch any of you slacking off, I have permission from the Grand Prince to shoot for obedience." After the guards hurriedly scrambled off to their new stations Vash walked around the wall encompassing Hetalia, looking for any blind spots and other entrances.

The next day he interrogated each and every noble about their out-of-the-castle-castle habits; what time they usually left at, how many people they brought in(Francis had a horrific amount of women he took to his room), and if they had enemies of any sort.

Word traveled quickly that they had a competent gatekeeper. At first they relaxed even more, knowing that Vash would rather shoot himself then fail at his duty, but soon it got real annoying.

At first it was because he had strict rules on who had the gate keys and who didn't. Only he and the Head Maid had the keys to open the gate. (According to Wicehrabia Feliks Tzar Ivan had threatened Vash for a key before, but the Gatekeeper held on strong and told him firmly that, "Why would you need to get inside the castle late at night? Unless you are trying to hide something from me..." Ivan promptly shut up and kol-ed away.)

Not only that, but the man actually walked around the gates, looking for any intruders or foreign objects.

Neither the inhabitants of Hetalia and the Gatekeeper would mind except for the fact that the outer side of Hetalia's wall is equivalent to an office's water cooler- the ultimate rendezvous spot.

The first time Vash stumbled upon a lover's secret meeting was on his second day guarding Hetalia. He was patrolling the gates, the steps already burned into his memory when he caught twin brown pigtails dash behind a corner.

To his knowledge only one member of Hetalia had pigtails, and that was a maid from a far away island called Seychelles, Michelle... Mancham? Something like that. Anyways, he could only think of two reasons as to why she was outside at the time, so he quickened his pace.

As soon as he turned the corner he instantly wished he hadn't; Michelle was being pressed up against the wall by Donatello, the butler from Seborga. Flushing red he quickly walked back around the corner and nearly ran back to the front. He was sure he didn't make a sound but for the rest of the day neither of the servants could look him in the eye without blushing.

The next time he walked in on someone 'getting their freak on'(Gilbert's words, not his) was the week after, after dinner. Alfred had a particularly nasty spat with Arthur, and the tension was thicker than the Grand Prince's pea soup.

Which is why Vash didn't expect to see the two of them playing tonsil hockey right outside the gates. Arthur's arms were slung around Alfred's neck and the Viceroy's hands were sliding down from his waist, slipping under the Grand Prince's shirt, lifting it up slowly and-

Feeling a bit lightheaded with all the blood rushing to his face in his embarrassment, he promptly shot three rounds into the sky, shocking the two out of their embrace. They looked disheveled; Arthur was spluttering while his face quickly matched the shade of red Vash's was. Alfred laughed loudly and pulled the Grand Prince back inside the gates, presumably to continue what Vash interrupted.

A silent hiss of frustration caught Vash's attention and he turned, gun held steadily at the tree from where the noise came from.

Princess Elizabeta hopped out, camera in one hand and the other covering her nose.

"Geez, did you have to interrupt them? It was just getting good!" She whined, shaking her camera at him. He blinked, shock stilling his tongue.

"Oh well. At least I got some of it. See you later, Gatekeeper!" Elizabeta quickly walked inside, probably trying to catch the rest of Alfred and Arthur's make-out session.

Three more times he caught someone in the middle of business that should stay behind closed doors; Jan Gilles the librarian from Luxembourg with the maid from Singapore, Christina Lim(Christina seemed more shocked at herself then Switzerland did, her normally neat bun skewed and her laundry abandoned on the ground), Belgium Burggravin Laura Peeters and Emilie Kelly, the maid from Monaco(Laura grinned at him and asked if he wanted to join in, because technically these are his gates. He almost shot her), and even the Margave Ludwig with his Italian Barone Feliciano(Ludwig, wisely, kept his mouth shut. Feliciano, on the other hand, chattered on and on about the day and the sky and the birds and the clouds and and and Vash was very close to shooting him and relieving everyone of their idiot-induced headaches.)

The last stand was when he caught the Polish Wicehrabia Feliks with the Lithuanian stable hand Toris.

"Like, haven't you heard? Apparently getting caught at the gates is the newest 'it' thing!" The Wicehrabia chirped, hands still unbuttoning Toris's shirt.

Eye twitching he promptly kicked Feliks back inside the castle and dragged Toris back to the stables.

Honestly! Do these nobles, scratch that, these people understand the meaning of privacy? I highly doubt that this is acceptable in most of their cultures, so just because Hetalia is a different place doesn't mean they can flaunt around their relationships! Hell, there are children around! He scowled, stomping around the wall and keeping his eye out for more passionately embracing duos.

"Excuse me..." Vash turned around, a small voice bringing him out of his inner ranting.

Kreivi Tino Väinämöinen had his hand up as if he was going to tap his shoulder, a sympathetic look on his face. Behind him the Riddare Berwald Oxenstierna was giving him an odd look.(Vash thinks it's an odd look. It's kind of hard to tell when the man looks like your the lowest scum on earth normally, but Vash knows that the Riddare just has an intimidating aura.)

"Are you OK, Mr. Gatekeeper?" Tino asked. Berwald shifted, holding a nearly defensive stance.

I just said that out loud, didn't I? Vash flushed, not for the first time that week.

"I'm sorry, er, Kreivi and Riddare," He said quickly, bowing.

"No no, I can understand why you would be so frustrated. This 'trend' is a rather..."Tino trailed off.

"St'p'd," Berwald contributed.

"Yes, exactly Berwald." Tino smiled widely and Vash relaxed a little. The cheery Finnish Count had a rather calming aura; no wonder Raivis ran to him after a very bad time with the Tzar.

"It is ok. You cannot exactly fight... Love." Vash's eye twitched when he got to the L word.

Tino laughed and Vash spot a hint of a smile at the corner of Berwald's eye.

"Now, I trust that you are a good gatekeeper. Heaven knows we need one, especially since Mikkel keeps on coming back late at night..." Vash briefly remembers meeting a loud spiky haired blond Dane that towered over him.

"M'kk'l needs to lea'n h'w t' k'ep 'n t'me." Berwald frowned.

"So, I don't think you'll mind that much if we, ah, clean the situation up, am I right Mr. Gatekeeper?" Vash blinked.

"Um, sure?" I'm pretty sure I have no control over your actions...

"Great! We'll get to it tomorrow! Hold out until then, Mr. Gatekeeper!" Tino beamed and then dragged Berwald away.

Confused, Vash continued walking, making sure to stomp loudly so upcoming lovers could have a chance to scram before more mental scarring occurred.

Vash found his answer to Tino's cryptic question the next day during diner. It was turning out to be another normal day; Vash found himself three more couples, shot a couple of trees in his embarrassment, and had his tolerance for awkward situations grow. Poking his pad-Thai instead of eating it(although it is delicous, Jaidee has outdone himself again) he glanced around the dining hall.

Alfred and Arthur were fighting over some meaningless thing again, Feliciano was chattering the ear off everyone around him, Francis was taking of the Spanish Infante's shirt, Lovino was yelling at Francis to stop taking of Antonio's shirt(although with a lot more expletives thrown in), the Belorussian Dame Natalia was threatening the Estonian librarian Eduard to tell her where her "beloved brother Ivan" was, Herzog Gilbert was picking on Archduke Roderich, Princess Elizabeta was moving to whack Gilbert with her frying pan, and a mini shouting match was going on between Markissios Heracles and Markis Sadiq. (Although Sadiq was yelling and Heracles was slowly nodding off.) Basically a normal dinner.

At least, before Tino stood up, hit his fork against his glass cup, effectively catching the attention of everyone in the room, and then climbed onto his chair so his voice could spread across the large room easier. (Berwald held his hands out just in case Tino fell.)

"Hello everyone!(A chorus of "Hi"s) I know we've all met our new Gatekeeper Vash, right? ("Oui," France said rather sulkily) Well, he has been patrolling our wall lately("And hounding the guards," Dorin growled, glaring at Vash) and interrupting, ah, you guys.(Insert a nice, long wolf whistle from Gilbert here.) And I know it's become popular to start dragging your lovers there and getting intimate with them(An appreciative "Honhonhon" from Francis) but it greatly inconveniences Vash from doing his job protecting us!("But it's like, totally fun!" Poland whined. Elizabeta flashed him a thumbs up.) So I would like to ask for you guys to stop your meetings outside and perhaps keep them inside?(Several scoffs) Pretty please?(More than one eye roll) We don't want to lose Vash, after all!(Everyone directed their gazes toward said Swiss man.)"

Vash crossed his arms and glared at each and every person staring at him. His fingers twitched for a trigger that wasn't there.

"I don't see why we have to stop. It's not as if the gates are his alone," Abel drawled, drumming his fingers on the tabletop.

Tino frowned at the wave of agreements that followed.

"But he needs to concentrate so we can be safe!" He said, the beginning of a pout forming on his face.

More cries of dissent. In the midst of the noise no one but Vash noticed the look of irritance crossing Tino and Berwald's face.

"Look, I just want the children and younger members of Hetalia to be safe-!" Once again Tino is cut off by irritated nobles and servants alike.

After a couple more cut-offs and rude gestures Vash had enough of the madness.

Apparently Berwald had enough to. He stood up, slamming his hands on the table enough to cause a crack on it.

"EN'UGH!" He roared, his face intensifying to a terrifying point. All noise ceased immediately.

"Thank you, Berwald," Tino said quietly, although his eyes were also angry.

"Now. I will ask for you guys to stop your assignations, all right?" Tino smiled, and the sound of a gun being cocked reverberated throughout the dining hall.

While Vash wondered why everyone instantly froze and Ivan kol-ed very feebly, the rest of them remembered the day that Tino snapped after being hounded by the Tzar one too many times.

"So. Are we on the same page here?" Berwald glared at all them. Vash had a sudden flashback to a picture of a Viking from an old textbook.

Several nods and whispers of consent.

"Great!" Tino beamed, all traces of the previous chill gone. He stepped of his chair, turned to a too stoic Lukas, and proceeded to talk about saunas.

After ten minutes Feliciano started wailing about his now cold pad-Thai and the silent spell was broken. Occasionally someone would stare at Vash, probably wondering how he got Tino and Berwald to stand up for him, but then a sudden chill would emanate from the Kreivi's corner of the room and they would quickly look away.

From then on Vash encountered no more couples passionately groping each other around his wall, and his job returned to being mundane and quiet.

"DAMNIT WEILLSCHMIDT! GET BACK HERE NOW!" Vash screams, chasing after the Herzog.

Yeah. Normal.