Hi guys! How you doin'? I'm sorry for the loooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnngggggggggg wait but school pretty much won this battle :p Anyway, I'm work free for a while so I'm going to continue this baby of mine. Yes, it's my baby now.
I don't know if you noticed, but I made some changes on the previous chapters: grammar, spelling, and so on and so forth.
On one final note: THANKS A BUNCH for all those who favoured and/or follows this story, it means a lot XD You're free to (constructively) review too, because if you read and find any kind of flaw I won't be able to improve my skills if you stay quiet :D
I don't own Shrek nor all the other characters, they belong to Dreamworks. I just own Tia Sharpclaws.
Enjoy!
Chapter 4
Don't look down!
"Let me get this straight."
For the fifteenth time in a row, that is.
"You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?"
Well, when Donkey put things that way it did made us sound a bit stupid.
And dumb.
And stupid again.
Shrek sighed to the ground also for the fifteenth time, at the end of the sunflowers field. "You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk." said the ogre while briefly looking behind and before he retrieved to his veggie snack. It reminds me of the 'maybe-the-mighty-green-being-is-vegeterian' theory. I mean, with all those raw corncobs, cauliflowers and onions he couldn't be seriously labeled a merciless killer, right? "I don't get it, Shrek. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him?" suggested the grey animal as he went to Shrek's right so that they were walking side by side. Smashing carelessly the growing pumpkins. "You know: throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip." he finished.
"Oh, I know what.". And here comes Mr. Sarcasm. With onion breath. "Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?". Donkey gave him an honest look. "Uh, no, not really, no.". Pleased with where the conversation was going Shrek looked behind once again. "What about you, Tia? What do you think?" But he saw nobody. "Tia?" Both him and the donkey stopped on their tracks and tried to spot me. "Tia! There you are!". Until the latter noticed I just came out of the already forgotten sunflowers. As I slowly got closer they must had noticed my bugged eyes, dropped ears and zombie walking. The reason for this state of mine (or mind if you prefer)?
"Hey... What's the matter? Did you have another furball-of-doom episode?".
Donkey you're a dear but I was getting to the answer already.
"Yeah, you look like you heard Donkey singing and saw Farquaad in his underpants at the same time!" Shrek playfully said. "Hey! I'm not a bad singer! You're the one who doesn't give me the chance to prove myself!".
Cavalheiros, por favor, deixem-me dizer-lhes!*
"Hum... No, I'm not like this because of... Donkey's singing skills or... Farquaad's panties..." a terrible shiver went through my spine. " ... it's because of... our mission." Dum dum duuuuummmmmm! "Oh, don't tell me that you want to 'get it straight' too. Do ya?" Shrek cautiously asked. "No... it's just that... you are going to save a princess... and to do so you must kill... a dragon.". The ogre looked at me with a confused expression. "And your point is...?" he added. "Aren't you afraid? I mean, you're a pretty scary creature yourself, but a dragon?! Those are even worse, right?!". And that's when they finally understood. "Oh, I get it, Shrek: Tia is scared of the beast." Donkey concluded as he turned to said green being.
I shyly and hesitantly nodded in agreement.
"I'm sorry guys but... I've only fought against thugs, thieves, some dogs and knights – thanks to you and not complaining – so the very thought of being near a creature which is able to eat me in one bite, turn me into barbacue with a simple blow and make puree by pressing its pinky on me... "and I sighed while facing the ground not being able to continue. "Oh, c'mon Tia. It's ok to be afraid. Look at me! I'm always scared of something!" tried Donkey. "Now that's reassuring." striked Mr. Sarcasm once again. Donkey wasn't pleased, of course. "What I'm trying to tell you, Tia, is that everybody is afraid of something. Even Shrek here!".
"Woa, woa, who said that I, the ogre, the monster of the swamp, fears?". The grey animal rolled his eyes in disbelief : "Yeah, right.". "Anyway, I can't see why you're like this. Seriously, you showed those knights what happens when you mess with a cat, you broadcasted my fight to an entire stadium, you challanged a king and, more importantly, you dared to ask me if you could join us because of those... invaders at my property." Shrek reminded. "Are you really going to coward now over such a small thing as a dragon?". Sorry Shrek but there is nothing small in a 25 feet tall monster!
My mind at that moment was at war: a part of me was screaming 'PERDESTE A CABEÇA?!* A DRAGON ?! YOU MIGHT AS WELL THROW YOURSELF OFF A CLIFF! WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?! YOUR FRIENDS?!'; and the other was like 'You promised to help those fairytale creatures and saving this princess is your chance to do so. Besides, the girl must be terrified, being alone all that time and with only a lizard-with-wings-that-breaths-fire to keep her company. Wake up! Stop being a scaredy cat!'.
I honestly don't know what got into me back then, but I, somehow, chose to listen the second one.
Please, leave your comments until the end of the story.
Thank you very much.
"You're right, Shrek. I put myself into this, therefore I must endure it." I finally replied with some determination. "Now that's my Tia talking!" Donkey cheered. "Yeah! And don't worry. With me around, the one that should be scared is that dragon." the ogre added with a confident grin before he took another bite of his onion. A smile returned to my face/muzzle with that answer. "Thanks. To both of you." I turned to Shrek. "And I guess this proves ogres don't just... destroy stuff or... eat your brains out like people say, huh?" I confessed as I rubbed the back of my neck. "Now that's where I was getting to." started said creature at the same time we resumed our walking. With me by his left. On cabbage crops. "For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.".
"Example?" Donkey asked. "Example? Okay, hum... like Tia proved... ogres are like... ". Pause for effect... " ...onions!" he emphasized by extending the vegetable at hand to our long-eared fellow. He sniffed if lightly but retreated almost immediately when its lovely smell hit his nostrils. "They stink?" the donkey attempted with a funny face.
"Yes!...".
Wow, congrats Donkey.
"No!" Shrek corrected with a stern look.
Make up your mind, ogre...
"Uh, they make you cry?" I suggested.
"No!".
Well, it was worth a shot.
"Oh, you leave them out in the sun, they get all brown and start sproutin' little white hairs." was Donkey's turn. And that's when the green being's patience reached its end: "No! Layers!". He started removing one of the vegetable's layers. The other veggies forgotten on the ground. "Onions have layers." he let go the onion layer. "Ogres have layers!" Shrek pointed to himself. "Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers." Mr. Grumpy finished with a sigh as he looked at us and before he threw the object of comparison to the ground. Smashing it (and its layers) in the process. And going (once again) ahead of us.
Now that is what I call a bad habit.
Donkey and I stared at each other. "Oh, you both have layers." we said at the same time. "I must admit, that made sense." was my impression. The grey animal just sniffed again the smashed vegetable. "Yeah, but - you know - not everybody likes onions." was his reply. Then suddenly... "Cake!" he shouted before he made a dash for Shrek. "Everybody loves cakes! Cake have layers.". The ogre made a frustrated sound just when I was getting to his side. "I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes." he said. Before going ahead of us. Oh God, my head hurts... "Donkey, I think it would be better if you changed topic. You know, for Shrek to calm down." I advised him. "Oh, ok. If you think so.". And then he took a thoughtful expression. Not a good sign. "You know what else everybody likes?".
Oh, no.
"Parfaits." Here we go again. Yup, he was already by the ogre's side. Because nobody listens to the talking cat. "Have you ever met a person, you say, 'Let's get some parfait', they say, 'No, I don't like parfait'? Parfaits are delicious.". I just sighed and facepalmed (that's a verb now), expecting the green creature to burst into rage mode at any second. "NO!". And there it was. "YOU DENSE, IRRITATING. MINIATURE BEAST OF BURDEN!" Shrek shouted angrily.
Poor Donkey.
He didn't mean to up set him.
He's just oblivious, that's all!
"Ogres are like onions! End of story." the green being insisted while opening his arms. "Bye-bye." he waved.
Already? But I just started the story!
"See ya later." he whispered.
Ok, fine!
See if I care.
And could you believe he actually went again ahead of us? Unbelievable!
"Oy, are you alright?" I asked Donkey.
"Yes. I am." was his reply with an unfazed face and while staring at Shrek's back. That look told me he wasn't quite done yet with the ogre. "Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn world." he insisted as he got behind the latter since we were going through a corn field that time.
Ok, Donkey.
We get it.
You were craving for a parfait.
"You know, I think I preferred your humming." the Master of Sighs confessed.
"I'm afraid it's too late now, Shrek. Far too late..." the Mistress of Lame Jokes revealed.
"Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering." the Lord of a Thousand Words began.
Just like our epic journey.
It took us some days through long grassed fields, a lake or two and a few dense forests but we finally made it there: the Cursed Mountain. Well, that's not really its name but after seeing no life or whatsoever in a radius of 1.5 miles (pretty accurate) from it and this single circular spooky cloud on the whole sky spinning above the mountain's top, that was the first thing that crossed my mind.
So there we were.
Just going up to our fate.
No pressure.
No biggy.
When suddenly... something happened!
"Ooh! Shrek!" Donkey waved his hoof. "Did you do that?" he asked. "Yeah,...". Cough, cough. "... please, next time,...". Cough, cough. "... warn somebody before you send a bloody chemical bomb... ". Cough, cough, cough. "Ugh, my nose is on fire!" I said trying to recover from the unexpected attack. Just for future reference: never underestimate a cat's 'smelling abilities'. "Oh man! My mouth was open and everything." the grey animal insisted. Shrek stopped briefly and turned to us. "Believe me, you two, if it was me,..." he pointed to himself. "... you'd be dead!" he finished with a wicked grin. And then the ogre sniffed the air. With a serious face... "It's brimstone. We must be getting close."... and serious tone. As we kept going further. "Yeah, right, brimstone." Donkey repeated sarcastically. "Aguenta os cavalos*, isn't brimstone the same as sulfur? As in one of the gases that a freaking active volcano releases?!" I asked despairingly expecting a 'NO'. "Hey, calm down, Tia. I know what I smell. It was no brimstone." he replied calmly. "And it didn't come off no stone neither." he added as I sighed with relief. That was a close one.
I meant,...
... until we reached the hedge of claimed 'mountain'...
... and peeked inside.
There, on the very middle of the (now) volcano's lava-full crater was the princess's enclosure: an imposing dark castle. One could notice, right away, its severely degraded state with several missing parts and purple-mixed-with-black-dispersed dirt. Probably from the fumes. The construction had some classic fairytale towers, but the tallest was the only one with some light coming from the window. Probably from the princess. Oh, I almost forgot!
Did you know that the only way to reach it was through an old rope bridge?
With boiling lava underneath?
No?
Well, now you do.
For a few seconds, we (with our surprised faces and opened mouths) just stood there hearing the rumbling lava, the menacing thunder (remember the spooky cloud) and deadly vultures flying around the previously mentioned tower. "Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location." Shrek joked with a laugh after looking at Donkey and I. And this time we understood it.
Far.
Too.
Well.
While he went towards the bridge I gave our lovely long-eared friend a deadpan expression. And believe me when I tell you this: it worked. "Uh, Shrek?" he started nervously trying to get closer to the former ogre and further way from me. But I followed shortly. Like a predator after its prey. "Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers?" he continued. "Oh, aye." was his reply. "Well, I have a bit of a confession to make." Donkey said as he eyed and stopped near an animal skeleton. "Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves." he finished in one breath as he proceeded.
Ok, I needed something to break the mood at this point.
"Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves." was revealed playfully with a hand move. Nice one, Shrek. "You know what I mean." the unamused animal striked back. The three of us were already at the beginning of the rope bridge, by the way. "You can't tell me you're of heights." the green being expressed his annoyance by pointing to said bridge. "No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!" Donkey shouted in pure horror as he looked down. Yeah, I had to admit.
That was no easy experience.
"Come on, Donkey. I'm right beside ya, okay?" Shrek tried to reassure him as he stood on the bridge's first plaques. Seeing our talkative fellow's hesitation I took another out-of-character decision: "Yes... and you know what? I will be first in line.". The two looked at me as if I had grown a second head. I still blame this all to the mixture of adrenalin, tiredness, stupidity, spontaneous insanity,... stupidity... wait, I've named that one already.
See what I mean?!
"Wow... You weren't kidding with all that 'responsibility big talk', were ya?" the ogre said with an impressed tone. "Afraid not. Besides, between lava and a dragon there isn't much to choose, is it?" was my nervous answer as I went two or three plaques ahead of Shrek and grabbed the nearest rope for balance. "Now that's what I like to hear!" he exclaimed satisfied before turning to Donkey. "Is this enough to convince you?" he tried one more time. The grey animal sighed in defeat. "Fine, I'll do it. But if something goes wrong, I'll haunt you two on the afterlife!" he promised with determination. A ghost!Donkey torturing his victims with loads of karaoke?
That's actually kinda scary (sarcasm learned from the master).
"For emotional support,... " the big guy started a with gentle touch on the donkey's chin. "... we'll just tackle this thing together... " he mentioned with his arm. " ...one little baby step at a time." he finished with a small smack on the animal's bottom. Who complied and got in front of Shrek. "Really?" he asked lastly for some confidence. "Really, really." the ogre replied with a convincing smile and with a hand on each rope. "Okay, that makes me feel so much better." stated Donkey. "Just keep moving." the green being insisted as the three of us began walking. "Yes. Just breath and keep calm. Going hysterical won't make the situation any better." I added trying to ignore the liquid rocks bellow our feet. To be quite honest I kept grabbing the bridge's ropes the whole time. "But most of all: don't look down." finished Shrek. "Okay, don't look down." was our long-eared fellow's new mantra.
"Don't look down.".
Yeah, you do that.
"Don't look down.".
You're doing great.
"Keep on moving. Don't look down.".
Everything is just fine.
CRACK!
Aaaww, snap.
"Shrek! I'M LOOKIN' DOWN!" Donkey shouted to the lava (because it deserves to know when someone is looking at it) after one of the bridge's wooden plaques broke under his hoof. How I managed to pass without breaking it myself is beyond me. "Ooooohhhh GOD,..." the animal turned backwards. "... I can't do this! Just let me off, please!"."But you're already halfway." was the big guy's answer. "Yeah, but I know that half is safe!" he pointed out with his head. "Oh c'mon, Donkey! You simply have to jump over... And stop swinging the bloody bridge!" I screamed with anxiety. "Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back." was Shrek's new resolution: trying to push through the donkey. "Shrek, no! Wait!" kept the victim warning in vain. "Let's have a dance then, shall we?" kept the aggressor saying with a joking tone.
Until...
"Don't do that!" the grey animal shouted after he finally jumped over the hole where the plaque used to be. And that's when the ogre had once more the wicked grin. "Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?" he started with a fake thoughtful face. "Oh, this?" he continued as he started swinging the bridge. Mercilessly. "Yes, that!" Donkey replied. "Guys, if you don't stop goofing around this instant, I'm going back there and throw both of you to the lava myself!" I complained while I grabbed a rope for dear life.
But do you know what they actually did?
They ignored me.
AGAIN!
"Yes?"
That's right, you did it, Shrek.
"Yes, do it."
...What?
"Okay."
Oh no...
...it's that freaking grin!
SAVE YOURSELVES!
"Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!". Donkeys and cats first! "No, Shrek!" was the long-eared one's plea as he... resumed his walking? And backwards? Oh, I see what you did there... "No! Stop it!". "You said do it! I'm doin' it." were the exchanges between those two as I focused on reaching the then-very-close end of the bridge. "I'mgonnadieI'mgonnadie... Shrek, I'M GONNA DIE!" Donkey cried. "No, you're not, you silly! Just open your eyes!" I told him as I lightly slapped his back.
And when he did so...
... we were already on solid ground.
Sorta.
"Oh!" he exclaimed with pure happy surprise. "That'll do, Donkey. That'll do." the green being assured him with a nice amount of good-hearted mockery and some petting on his muzzle. As he went towards the castle's entrance with this huge content smile on his face, the donkey gave a last peek to the scary bridge. "Cool." he said realizing what Shrek did for him and before he run to catch said creature. I was already by the latter's side. "You're a box full of surprises, did you know that?" was my compliment. "What can I say? It's part of my charm." the big guy revealed with a wink. I had to roll my eyes to that. Even if with a betraying smile on my face.
"So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?".
Oh no.
I almost forgot about the monster.
Thanks for the reminder, Donkey...
"Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.". Ok, I'm sorry Princess, but I actually had to chuckle to that one. And Donkey was no different. "I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek." he said just as we entered the Beast's Domain.
And I mean the dragon not the... Oh, you guys get it.
Anyway (and back to the story), if you thought the outside of the castle was, to sum up in one fancy word, atrocious, then you should had seen the inside. While the three of us kept getting closer to our target, I couldn't ignore all those broken pillars and glowing-red cracks on the floor. Or the freaky and ugly monsters sculptures on the walls. Or the shredded and unrecognizable flags hanging loosely from the ceiling... wait, was there even one to start with? Doesn't matter. The thing was that, even with the horror-house-like rippling water drops and howling wind in the background, what really would get your attention were the... (hold your lunches)... human remains! Dozens of armoured skeletons were scattered almost everywhere. Some of them were missing their weaponry. Others their own limbs. And the worst of all? Those poor fools were victims of the same culprit.
I give you a hint: burning marks.
"You afraid?" Donkey suddenly whispered just as we finished climbing some stairs. "Hell, yeah." I whispered back. And don't you dare judge me! You would be scared too if you knew a bloody dragon could come out any second to swallow you alive! "No, but- Shh." Shrek ordered us with the Silence-Finger. "Oh, good. Me neither." Donkey declared before he gave a nervous look back to where we came from. But the 'I'm-never-scared-because-I'm-too-brave' act was dropped once he realized (with a frightened loud gasp) that the ogre and I were not by his side anymore.
Well, he tried.
"'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid." the animal continued. "Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation.". Couldn't agree more. "Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add.". God, those staircases never seemed to end. "With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire,...". Pause to stare at random skeleton. "... it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared." our grey fellow persisted as he turned to the big guy.
Who just rolled his eyes in annoyance.
I was the one that sighed, though.
From tiredness.
"I sure as heck ain't no coward."."Donkey,look out for-".
BANG!
"... the skeleton." I finished a bit too late while said animal gasped in horror at the helmet that accidentally found its way to his head. Other than that he was fine. For the time being. "Donkey, two things,...". The ogre raised two of his fingers (talking normally once again, if you hadn't noticed). "...okay?". OK. "Shut...". He pointed to the first finger. "... up.". He pointed to the second one. "Really smooth, Shrek. Really smooth." was my comment. "What? Don't tell me he didn't bother you too with the 'oh-no-not-the-big-scary-dragon' thing." he personified with a fake high-pitched voice.
I gave him the classic not-amused face in response.
"C'mon, I thought we had been through this already." Shrek argued. I opened my mouth to reply but was rudely interrupted. "Nevermind. Now, I want you two to go over there and see if you can find any stairs." he indicated one side of the gigantic room we were in with a wave of his hand as he took Donkey's helmet and put it on his own head. "Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess." the asne stated a bit puzzled. The ogre had started picking some shoulder, knee and elbow protections from the floor when he explained: "The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower."
Sounds familiar, doesn't it?
"He's right, parceiro*. We still hadn't crossed the bridge and yet I could see some light coming from that tower." I informed him. "Yeah, maybe. But what makes you think she'll be really there?" Donkey continued with his doubt. "I read it in a book once." Shrek said at the same time he lowered the helmet's faceplate and went towards another side of the room. "And the funny thing is: so did I." I confessed to both of them. "Just great. Everybody but me has read this... book that tells you everything you want to know and nobody told me. Of course not! I'm just a donkey!" the grey animal began his lecture as he turned to leave, expecting me to be by his side.
But I wasn't.
"Shrek?". Said being stopped staring at something on the floor and gave his attention to the source of the small tug on his shirt. The cat. "Oh, what is it now?" he inquired (gotta love fancy words) without much patience. "I just... wanted to tell you to... ". Time to breathe a little. "... be careful, ok? Big guy?" I finished not quite able to look him in the eye and rubbing the back of my neck. It was an awkward situation, alright? A few days before I would have attacked him on self-defense without a second thought. And now (or back then)... it feels like I would be harming a friend...
... a best friend...
... a big brother...
... OK, THAT'S IT!
NO MORE SPANISH SOAP OPERAS MARATHON WITH DONKEY!
"Huh..." the ogre simply started with a probably-somewhat-taken-back face (remember the helmet). "... Aye?" he mostly asked with uncertainty. Well, it worked for me anyway. "Hey, Tia! We have some stairs that need to learn some manners for not showing up to their guests!" Donkey called. "Coming!" I called back after leaving the green being. But just when I almost reached our long-eared buddy, my name was pronounced: "Tia!". By Shrek. "Oh, what is it now?" I playfully replied before turning to his direction.
"Think fast!" was my only warning as two unidentified objects were thrown at me (one at a time). I managed to catch the first one. The second one however wasn't so lucky. Since it landed right on the grey animal's back. "You alright, bud'?" I asked him right away. "Yyyeeaahh..." Humph. "... I guess. What's with the bow and arrows, though?" he mentioned (slightly upset) to my paws with his head. Following his gaze my eyes landed on a simple dirty-brown longbow.
Actually, it was only a 'longbow' by name, because it looked like it had been made for a midget and not for a tall-mighty knight. The weapon was in a pretty good shape for something that most likely had been at that place for a couple of years.
Or its previous owner just didn't have a chance to use it.
At all.
"Oy, Shrek! I hope you know that I never tried to uuusssseee... and he's gone." I tried to tell him. "Oh well. Doesn't really matter, now. However, I think that he gave those to you for a reason. So you better keep them, don't ya think?" my partner suggested. "Sim, deves ter razão." I said without thinking as I grabbed some arrows from the floor. Apparently, the second flying object was a brown (God, so much brown) bag to carry those, but due to the previous impact some had fallen off it. "Girl, what was that? Spanish? 'Cause you seem to use it a lot." he asked with a confused expression. "Oh, I'm sorry! I meant 'Yes, you must be right'. And no. It's not spanish, it's portuguese." I explained as I put the bow across my body (the string was on my chest) and left the arrows bag (hanging by its strap) on my shoulder. "Oooooohhhhh, portuguese.". The both of us resumed our walking. "Huh... what's portuguese?" he continued even more confused.
And I gladly ended with his questioning.
With a long,...
... long,...
... long,...
... long,...
... pretty much huge,...
... History lesson.
Cavalheiros, por favor, deixem-me dizer-lhes! = Gentlemen, please, let me tell them!
Perdeste a cabeça?! = Have you lost your head/mind?!
Aguenta os cavalos = Hold your horses
Parceiro = Partner
Phew! I made it! One more chapter! Guys, I need your opinion: do you prefer shorter chapters or longer ones? Because the latter takes a lot more time. Review or message me your answers, if you please. Also tell me your constructive opinion! Forgive me for any spelling/grammar mistake you may find.
See you next time!
P.S. Portugal DOES NOT equal Spain.
