Kristin accepted the glass of water that Lucas handed her and offered him a weak smile in return. Her hands were still shaking as she put the glass to her lips. She felt heat on her cheeks as she swallowed a small sip of the cold liquid. Her mind was whirling, and she felt embarrassed at the same time. Her behaviour had nothing to do with the situation she found herself in the middle of with Nathan and Lucas. She knew she was overreacting. Nathan wasn't anything like her father. Common sense told her that Nathan would never harm Lucas. Tensions were running high, and Nathan was frustrated. That was what was coming across in his words and actions towards Lucas. Kristin looked up at Lucas' blue eyes and she didn't see fear in them at all. In fact, at the moment, both Nathan and Lucas were standing side by side with looks of concern so sincere that it made warmed Kristin's heart. She knew in that moment that any disagreement between them would be handled amicably. It always had been in the past and she had no doubts in her mind that they always would be. She really couldn't explain why she was being so affected.
"Feeling any better, Doc? I'm really sorry if I upset you."
Kristin reached out and patted his hand gently. "I'm fine, Lucas. You didn't upset me. I'm the one who should apologize." Kristin felt at a loss for words to explain her behaviour to the teenager. She didn't really want him to know why she'd lost all sense of reality in those few moments. She didn't feel like she even made sense to herself.
Lucas sat down beside her on the sofa still looking at her with concern plastered all over his face. Nathan sat on the coffee table in front of her, his brows furrowed in concern. The whole situation was making Kristin feel even more unsettled. She had never intended to draw such attention to herself. Kristin chewed on her lip feeling a need to escape their prying eyes rise up within her. She rose to her feet and wandered towards her bed needing a few moments to recollect herself. From the corner of her eye, she caught sight of Nathan putting an arm around Lucas' shoulders. The action pricked her conscience, making her emotional breakdown seem even more ridiculous.
"Lucas, do you think you could give Kristin and me some time alone?"
Lucas nodded casting a glance at Kristin. "Yah, sure." He hesitated for a moment then turned his attention back to Nathan with a look of contrition flooding his face. "Uh, I'm sorry, Captain, for getting so mad I mean. I…uh…never meant to make Kristin so upset. I hope you know that." He stumbled over his words and Kristin turned to see colour brush his cheeks.
Nathan pulled him into a brief sideways hug. "I know you didn't, kiddo. It's not your fault. I think both of us just lost our heads a little. We'll discuss it later, okay?"
Lucas nodded with a solemn look still on his face. "Okay."
"Hey, we'll figure this out, Lucas, okay? I promise." Nathan said, sounding a lot more like himself than he had before. Much of the terse anger had melted away and was replaced with that comradery Kristin was used to seeing.
Lucas nodded. Kristin noticed the teenager inhale deeply, releasing some of the tension in his shoulders when he exhaled. The boy's tightly clenched jaw relaxed, giving Nathan a small smile. Lucas took one last look at Kristin and left the room without another word.
Kristin wrung her hands together trying to clear her mind enough to know how to converse with Nathan when he turned to face her. She blinked back more tears as he approached her and pulled her into a tight embrace. She melted into his hug and allowed herself a few more minutes to indulge in her tears. As much as she felt like she was being silly, it felt good to be held. Nathan made her feel safe and loved. The logical part of her brain was rebuking her for allowing herself to give in to that need. She'd spent so much time keeping people away from this part of her life. She swore she'd never let anyone into this hidden compartment of her past. She also didn't know why, right now, out of the blue, she'd started to come unravelled.
"I'm sorry, Nathan. I don't know what came over me."
Nathan tightened his embrace and rested his strong chin on her head.
"Kristin, don't apologise. Talk to me."
Kristin shuddered at his commanding tone. She could tell he was tired of her beating around the bush. It wasn't so much that his tone was demanding; it was quite the opposite, actually. It was more of an appeal to her better judgment. Kristin pulled away and wrapped a protective arm around her midsection, an unconscious action she'd developed as a teenager.
"I'm afraid I don't even know where to begin, Nathan."
Nathan dropped his hands to his side and looked deeply into her eyes.
"The beginning might be a good place."
Kristin's eyes flashed at him in exasperation, but the look quickly faded away as she noticed a small smile playing on his lips mixed with genuine concern.
Nathan walked towards her sofa, sitting down and stretching out his legs.
"Last week, when the two of us chatted about what I should do about Lucas, you alluded to something. When I questioned you about it, you brushed it off as inconsequential. My gut tells me otherwise. You've been acting strangely whenever you see Lucas and I argue. It's unlike you, Kris. I've never seen you shy away from a disagreement before."
Kristin lowered her head and nodded. It was true. Kristin Westphalen was a red-blooded Brit through and through. She never backed down from a fight in her life. If anything, she was a force to be reckoned with under fire. She didn't know why she'd been reduced to a frightened kitten either.
Kristin threw her hands up in the air in dismay. "I don't know what's wrong with me!"
"Sit and talk to me, Kristin."
Kristin sighed and obeyed, taking a seat across from him in her chair. As she sat, she picked up her journal and fished out the picture from between its' crisp pages.
"James left for university the day that picture was taken." Kristin handed Nathan the picture. "I was so angry with him for leaving me."
Nathan took the photo and furrowed a brow in confusion.
"You didn't want him to go?"
Kristin shook her head. "No, I didn't. I didn't want him to leave me alone with my father."
Nathan looked surprised but remained silent.
Kristin took a deep breath. "After my mother died, my father became distant. He was terribly crushed by her death. We all were, except my father forgot that we missed her too. He turned to alcohol for comfort, leaving James and me to fend for ourselves most of the time."
"Oh, Kris, I'm so sorry."
"So am I. It wasn't all that horrible at first, but over time, Father became lonely and sought out female companionship. Under normal circumstances, that's difficult enough for a child to accept, but my father was just plain cruel about it. He was a perfect British gentleman and very well respected doctor in the community. The women that came to spend time with him were very dignified and wealthy, used to children holding a certain, shall I say, role in the household. I never was one to hold my tongue."
Kristin saw the smirk that graced Nathan's face, but she couldn't fault him for it so she continued.
"Things quickly turned from bad to horrific in our home. I guess you could say I wasn't very nice to the women my father chose as companions. He didn't take very kindly to my attitude."
Nathan nodded, his eyes twinkling. "I feel his pain."
Kristin smirked and relaxed a bit. Nathan's light-heartedness was helping her feel safe enough to share.
"I'm sure you do. Anyway, my father was nothing like you, Nathan. He chose to handle his ire by being much more hands-on than you normally are with Lucas." Kristin hesitated and squirmed uncomfortably as she thought about how she was going to explain herself. "Up until last week, you always handled Lucas' misbehaviour diplomatically—"
"And last week?" prompted Nathan, sitting up uneasily.
"Last week, you shocked me, Nathan. What you did was so uncharacteristic of what I know of you. It left me feeling uncertain. I'm not saying what you did was wrong, but it seriously caught me off guard."
"You mean because I spanked Lucas?"
Kristin nodded.
"Kristin, I thought we discussed this and you were okay with what happened?"
"We did and I am." Kristin sighed, not really knowing how to explain herself. "I guess when I saw you and Lucas at odds this week and you becoming so angry and threatening a repeat of last week, it brought up certain feelings from my past. I never said how I was feeling made any rational sense."
Nathan clenched his jaw, the muscles visibly contracting. "Did something happen between you and your father, Kristin?"
Kristin stood to her feet again and tucked an unruly strand of hair behind one ear.
"My father wasn't a patient man, even when my mother was alive, but he was never unkind. He was always judiciously fair in everything he did, and he never raised a hand to either James or me. But something just broke inside him after she died and…" Kristin's voice trailed off and tears streamed down her cheeks again. She took a few steps away and turned her back to him.
Nathan rose to his feet and came up behind her, pulling her into another embrace. Kristin leaned into his warmth and used it to gain her momentum to speak once again. If she was going to start something, she was determined to at least not make herself look like an emotional basket case.
"It's okay, Kristin; I think I understand where you're going with this."
Kristin shook her head. "I don't think you do, Nathan."
Kristin sucked on her bottom lip and took a deep breath before swinging around to face Nathan.
"I don't know if I can talk about it. I've spent my whole life trying to forget what he did to me, Nathan. I'm not sure if I have the strength to open up Pandora's Box after all these years."
Nathan reached for her hands and held them. "You can't hide your skeletons, Kris, and not expect them to come back and haunt you. Sooner or later, you have to stop running and face things head-on. I'm a walking, talking and breathing example of that. I wasted years mourning the death of Robert. I hid away on an island, trying to hide from life and became a very bitter man. Carol might not have died on that blasted island had I not been trying to run away from myself. I was a bitter, hostile man and the only one that suffered was me; well, and Carol while she was still alive. In the end, I still had to face myself. I still had to look at myself in the mirror."
Tears cascaded down Kristin's cheeks as she listened to Nathan's words. Nothing he said was a surprise to her. She knew that she was hiding from her past. She never had a problem with it before. Well, that wasn't completely true. When Cynthia was young, it had been a big problem, maybe bigger than she even wanted to admit. She always liked to think that Nelsen leaving wasn't all her fault. They both stopped trying at some point along the way. They both mutually gave up on their marriage. Their divorce had been amicable. She didn't even miss being married until she'd heard Nelsen had remarried years later. Somehow that knowledge had made her feel lonely and, yes, very much like a failure.
"I-I don't think I can admit it to myself, Nathan."
Nathan pulled away. "Kristin, you are one of the strongest women I know. You can do this. I think I already know what you're going to tell me anyway if that eases your mind any."
Kristin felt her heart rate increase and took a few steps back. All the years she was married to Nelsen, even if he had guessed her secret, he never named it. He simply told her she needed to get help dealing with her issues, for Cynthia's sake. Of course, Kristin knew he would have had to be stupid not to know. She felt sure that he knew. How could he not?
"My f-father wasn't anything like you, Nathan. And I-I don't want you to be like him. You are a kind and gentle man. Please, I beg you; promise me that you will never raise a hand to Lucas again." Her eyes pleaded with him with a certain kind of bleak desperation.
Nathan sighed and placed his hands on his hips looking down at the floor. "Kristin, please don't ask me to make a promise that I may not be able to keep." He raised his head to look at her again. "I have no idea how I'm going to handle things with him yet. I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants here. I can promise you this, though. I won't do anything when I'm angry. I admit, this evening I was furious with him, and I might have done something I regret if you hadn't stepped in…" Nathan hesitated, stopping mid-sentence and scrubbing a hand over his face.
"What is it, Nathan?" prompted Kristin, seeing indecisiveness and something else she couldn't quite place sweep across his face.
Nathan was quiet for a moment then shook his head. "It's nothing."
"Now who's keeping secrets?"
Nathan turned away, raking a hand through his hair.
Now it was Kristin's turn to be concerned. "Nathan…"
Nathan heaved a weary sigh before turning to face her. "I can't help thinking about Bobby."
"Your son?" Kristin was surprised to hear Nathan speak about Robert. It was the part of Nathan's life she knew very little about, but she respected his privacy enough not to pry. They both had scars from the past they'd rather not share with anyone.
Nathan nodded. "The more I've tried to use this time to figure out things with Lucas, the more he's pulled away from me. This isn't my first rodeo with a teenage boy. I should know what I'm doing now."
Kristin's tears were drying on her cheeks as she turned a concerned eye on Nathan. Much of what he was saying struck a chord with her. She knew that things weren't quite right with him. He hadn't been acting like himself at all. She'd noticed it earlier when he'd first started questioning himself regarding disciplining Lucas. It wasn't like Nathan to second guess himself.
"Every child is different, Nathan."
"Oh, I know that and Lucas and Bobby are nothing alike. For one, Bobby was far more reckless than Lucas." Nathan chuckled and walked towards the chair once more, sitting down and leaning his elbows on his knees. "Drinking and partying was a normal event with Bobby. Drove Carol and me up the wall. That kid spent the better part of his teen years grounded because of his antics." He licked his lips and continued, "The thing is, Lucas' isn't like that. He rarely if ever gets in trouble. His behaviour as of late has been so uncharacteristic of him; his attitude has reminded me so much of Robert at that age. I was away on tour for a good many years during Robert's adolescence and many of my trips home resulted in me being the bad guy rather than truly connecting with him. I can't tell you how much I regret that."
Kristin sat down on the sofa across from Nathan and hugged a sofa cushion to her chest. "No one said parenting was easy and I'm sure Robert understood, Nathan. After all, he did choose to follow you into the navy."
Nathan sighed. "Bobby and I had a really rocky relationship for a good many years. I guess Lucas' outlandish behaviour rubbed me the wrong way, and I wanted to nip it in the bud. I don't have the stamina to go through all that I did with Robert with Lucas." He leaned back, resting his head on the back of the chair. "It was hard enough the first time. I think in my attempt to prevent a repeat of the past, I really messed things up with Lucas. Damn it. He's such a level-headed kid. I guess I hoped he'd skip over the stupidity of adolescence."
Kristin couldn't help but smile at Nathans admission. "You can't stop him from growing up. It's inevitable, Nathan, besides Lucas loves and respects you very much. Like it or not, you're human and you make mistakes like everyone else. Lucas will understand if you just listen to him and give him a chance to redeem himself. I would even suggest sharing with him some of what you just shared with me."
He considered her words for several moments and smiled at her, his eyes twinkling. "Lucas and I are pretty damned lucky to have you in our lives, aren't we?"
Kristin blinked back a fresh onslaught of tears, not even knowing why. She wasn't used to being so emotional. Nathan smiled at her knowingly. The truth of the matter was all three of them were lucky to have each other. They had become their own surrogate family, drawing strength from each other. Each of them wounded in their own individual ways and, yet each offering the others a unique kind of healing.
"Your father hurt you, didn't he?" said Nathan, suddenly bringing the topic back around to Kristin.
Kristin was taken aback by the sudden direction switch. She blinked a few times as she heard the words Nathan said. She heard them, but they felt like words describing someone else's life, not hers. Kristin stood up and stared down at Nathan sitting in the chair.
"Nathan, please, I don't wish to discuss this any further…"
Nathan stood and reached for her arm, placing a firm grip on her wrist. "Your father hit you, didn't he? And I'm not talking about a simple spanking like I gave Lucas. He really hurt you."
Kristin put her free hand to her mouth and shook her head. She didn't want to hear the words said out loud. It hurt far too much to hear them spoken.
"No, no, Nathan, please, don't…"
"What did he do to you, Kristin? Tell me."
"It doesn't matter now. It was years ago, and I'm a grown woman now, Nathan. Please let me go."
Nathan released her, and she fled across the room with her back to him. She heard him cross the room after her and gasped when he spun her around.
"It does matter. Look at yourself; you're having a breakdown because Lucas and I were arguing. You're trembling and crying for no apparent reason? Sorry, I'm not buying it. Kristin, talk to me. Please." Nathan's voice held a tone of pleading in it.
"It was more than just an argument, Nathan. You're not acting like yourself and it frightens me." Kristin covered her mouth and closed her eyes, wishing the floor would swallow her up. Her mind exploded with memories.
