There are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.
Ann Landers
Naya opened her eyes and it was morning. She remembered little from the day before apart from Dianna removing her from her safe haven to shower, but turned into a fiasco of epic proportions. Di pulled her back into bed after that, realizing that was all Naya needed.
But it wasn't what Naya needed. She knew that; she can't give Naya what she needs.
They lay in bed the whole afternoon, watching television but not really paying attention to the screen. Eventually the stillness of their presences led to slumber, and they went off into their dreams with few words and even fewer glances. It was uncomfortable for Dianna, resisting temptation to help Naya, to talk to her. She didn't want to talk. She didn't want to live, if that was at all obvious. She was in love with someone who had pushed her away, for not the first time, but definitely not the last god damn time. Naya was used to being left behind, but not by someone who she loved with all her heart.
That was where her and Santana were a little similar. They were both too strong to appear so broken.
For years, there had been nothing but love between the two of them, and now what? They let all of that go because Heather was pregnant and Naya was pushed out? Taylor was an ass anyway. Baseball was his priority while Heather came in a slow second. While Heather had always said marriage and their future children would always come first before acting (and with that, Naya), Taylor had never shown the same interest. Heather would show up on Naya's doorstep countless times, sob over Taylor's lack of consideration, dissenting ideas for the future, and feeling of control over her. Naya held her when she cried, told her it would be okay, that he was just a stupid boy and she didn't need him anyway.
Heather had laughed at the reference.
She didn't understand then, why Naya had made the reference.
But now she's pregnant, and now what?
Does Naya call? Does Naya congratulate her? Does Naya do anything that involves coming into contact with Heather period?
She doesn't want to.
But, oh, does she want to.
Dianna thinks it's just what Naya needs—to see her, to talk to her. But Naya knows what would happen. Heather would tell her this is childish of her, selfish to think she has some say in their relationship after the events that went down almost a year ago. Too many months ago was the last real conversation they had, and it was all too real now that it would most likely be their last forever. Naya was almost okay with that. It would be better than being slapped with her own emotions by the one she cannot hurt back.
But Naya would rather be hurt and not fight back than cause further damage.
Dianna disagrees.
"You have to at least try. Make an effort! You never know how she feels because you never listen, you just catch her in the brink of a moment when she doesn't know what to feel, so she lashes out! You have to give her a chance to explain. And if you don't do that, at least let her tell you how she feels regarding what happens next. You need to know how to feel now—if you should, you know."
Move on.
That's what Dianna was referring to.
But moving on requires too much effort and too little Heather. Moving on would be giving up completely. Moving on would mean admitting that it would and could never work, which no matter how hard she loved, she had to admit was probably true. She just couldn't not try.
Not trying wasn't something she did. Loving Heather was.
Loving Heather was her thing, her only interest in this crazy miserable life. She just wanted to love Heather day in and day night, hold her when she cried forever and a day, let her know that she will be loved. She wanted to be there for the first breath of this child because even though it wasn't hers, she knew how much she would love Heather's child simply because it was half Heather.
But they all knew that wasn't her place, no matter how badly she wished and wanted.
Dianna wouldn't have any of it. Naya tried to tell her it could work out maybe someday in the future when Taylor messes up and things can be like they were and—
"But they will NEVER be the same because it was a one-time thing, Nay! It happened one night and you were DRUNK. And she was DRUNK. And she regretted it! She hated that you seduced her and she hated that she cheated on the love of her life! There's nothing that's going to change if you persist; it will just. get. old. So move on, Nay. Get out of whatever rut this is and move on. She's gonna forget when she holds that precious baby in her arms. Not about you—just the sex. She'll want you there for that baby being born, she's gonna want you there to celebrate birthdays, first steps, first words, and a wedding that you'll be the maid of honor in. She wants you in her life but NOT in the way you want to be in hers. Be there for her. Be her person, like you used to. It doesn't have to be such a wishy-washy thing. Don't make conditions. Be there how she needs you to be there for her."
Di left with that. She was furious.
Naya rolled over and tried to get some more sleep.
