Title: In the Right Direction
Author: Petro13
Sorry for the delay. School has been crazy. Leaving for Europe in 4 days!
Chapter 4: Wants and Needs
Cameron came home late. She entered the apartment quietly not wanting to disturb House if he was sleeping. Quickly surveying the living room, she noticed that the TV wasn't on. Cameron continued into the kitchen, thinking he might be having a late night snack like he usually does. Nope the kitchen was empty. There weren't even any crumbs along the counter. Last stop: the bedroom. She pushed open the door slowly to see an empty bed, the sheets still in a tangled mess. Letting out a deep sigh, Cameron peeled off her sweater and continued into the adjoining bathroom to get ready for bed. As she was brushing her teeth, she noticed the other lone toothbrush resting in the cup on the sink. She just hoped this hadn't screwed things up forever. If she could have just kept her mouth shut for another day, then she could have avoided all of this drama. As she straightened the bed linens she glanced at the clock. It was reading 3:00 am. She figured he was staying the night at Wilson's, and she was too tired to try and wait up for him. Collapsing onto the pile blankets, Cameron realized there was no way she was going to sleep soundly without his body near hers for the night.
Cameron was unable to fall into a deep sleep, so when she felt the mattress dip on the opposite side of the bed, she was aware of his presence. She was in a half-sleep half-awake state, so House didn't know she was at least semi-aware of his actions.
For the first time since this whole pregnancy ordeal he rolled over to her, resuming their natural sleeping position prior to the awkwardness. It felt so good. His warm body felt solid against her back, his smell enveloping her. He set his hand on her hip then he slowly slid it down to rest against her stomach. It lingered there for only a few moments before he retracted his hand. If Cameron were more conscious she might have smiled or cried or something, but she just let the heavily veiled darkness of sleep claim her once again.
When she awoke the next time she was alone. The room was colder. She sat up in bed searching for him in the darkness of their bedroom.
"House?" she called for him, but there was no answer. Thinking he had moved elsewhere in the apartment, she grabbed his t-shirt that was haphazardly strewn onto the dresser and slipped it over her head. She looked down and smiled: The Stones. Then she saw him. He was out on the apartment's balcony leaning heavily against the railing. He had left the door open a crack probably on accident. The recluse in him was making its presence known, forcing him out of bed and into the night air. Luckily it was summertime and nights were warm. She opened the door as quietly as she could, not wanting to disturb the workings of his ever mysterious mind. He heard the click of the balcony door and turned to look at her. Without saying a word to her he turned his head back around. She walked up cautiously behind him and put her hands on his back. When he didn't flinch or voice his discomfort, she ran them down the length of his back, and when she reached the hem of his shirt, she slipped her hands underneath the soft cloth, desperate for any amount of comfort or intimacy the feeling of his skin could provide. Cameron knew this pensive mood well. She had seen it many a time while working on a difficult case, his own mind consuming him. She knew she couldn't push him, and she would have to wait until he was ready to speak.
"I saw the receipt from the grocery store. What's the verdict?" Cameron smiled slightly at House's detective like abilities. House's hands were gripping the rail tightly. Cameron moved her fingers in what she hoped were soothing strokes, and she was rewarded when he knuckles were no longer white from the force.
"I'm not." Cameron spoke very quietly. She laid her head against his back, her hands meeting in front of his bellybutton. He let out a huge sigh. House was utterly relieved, but there was something else, something very small. It was a pang, a slight stab of disappointment. This thought was quickly doused. For a while they just stood there in silence, but somehow the awkwardness was replaced with the comfortable feeling that had defined their relationship up until lately. House was the first to speak.
"I can't…" he started again, "I can't give you what you want." The awkwardness returns. Cameron raised her head from his back. When she instantly tensed, House berated himself for ruining another one of their moments. Well I'm in too deep to pull out now." He thought to himself. He turned to face her, their proximity staying close.
"I know you. I know you want that." House made a sweeping hand gesture, "the husband, the kid, and the baby showers with hideous wrapping paper, the walks in the park." He leaned back against the balcony railing, exhausted by the emotional overhaul.
"I won't do those things; I'll never be able to change for you, and you should have what you want…" House looked anywhere but at Cameron. He tried to move past her back into the apartment, but she grabbed his arm.
"Maybe I do have what I want." At this House didn't resist her hold. "Where is this coming from? Why the guilt trip all of a sudden? I don't want or need to get married anytime soon, and I certainly don't want to have a baby now. The timing is all wrong. I'm not ready for that, and you sure as hell aren't. Do you ever think that maybe I'm content with where things are right now? You think you know me, well I know you too. I know you won't change and I'm not asking you to. You're just scared and so you do what you always do, put things at arm's length. Well, I'm not going to let you put me at arm's length, so can we go back inside and sleep please?" Cameron held out her hand waiting for him to take hold and follow her back inside. He nodded at her, but then added,
"Give me a minute?" Cameron nodded and added a tired smile, before leaving the balcony and returning into the bedroom. House just needed a moment to process everything. No he hadn't reproduced. Yes he did feel something other than relief. Cameron was right…again. Although it pained him to admit it, a surge of guilt and pride simultaneously coursed through him when she had been defending their relationship. House replayed the words she had said over in his head. She said she didn't want to get married or have a kid, relief. No, that's not what she had said. She said she doesn't want to get married or have a kid now. There is a big difference. No, there is a huge giant crevasse between the two. But for now, that was good enough, it would have to be. House wasn't ready to let this thing go, and he figured they would cross those bridges when they came to them. With a smirk written on his face, he turned from the balcony railing and entered the apartment once again. Cameron was lying there waiting for him.
"Got it all sorted out?" She asked him innocently. She flopped down against the pillows and turned on her side.
"No," House answered, "but I'm done with this thing for now." House slid down on his side, his arms open, waiting for her to come into his embrace. When she didn't roll over to him immediately, he raised his eyebrows at her back.
"Passive-aggressive much?" Cameron rolled over giving him a mock scowl over her shoulder.
"Aw come on my arms are getting tired and I need you to keep my leg warm." Cameron scoffed at his reasoning, but nonetheless scooted into his waiting arms. House snickered,
"How did I know that appealing to the inner caretaker in you would get me what I want?" House said into her hair.
"I'm too tired to be amazed by your powers of your incredible mind." Cameron added with a yawn.
"You're no fun-" House was about to make some crass remark when Cameron pressed her lips to his. When she pulled back she said,
"Shut up and sleep."
"Yes ma'am."
