Overdue update!


It was a sight to behold, Amy's lawn was a scene taken off from the beleaguered battlefields of World War II: trenches, fences and mines. But the facial expressions and visual glances of long time buddies Tails & Sonic was something far away from your hard hitting history text books and was extracted from an overtly sentimental, cloying soap opera. We now interrupt this scene to play everything out in an alternate universe.


Alternate Universe, Sonika's Mansion:

Dramatic music was playing in the background. In a precipitous manner Tails parked his red Ferrari cabriolet in the gravel parkway and hurriedly walked up the marble floors of the dazzling mansion. He pressed the doorbell as a deep and reverberating sound resonated within the confines of the estate. The colossal doors groaned as they opened.

"Hello meestur Tail, come in! She, I mean he is waiting!" It was Aimee, Sonika's Asian maid.

"Take me to the room Aimee, what was she thinking going through a sex change?! As if I wasn't rocking her world enough!" Tails the "Fabio" asked in a grave tone while he grabbed his crouch.

"I not know, she gone coo-coo! I cood hear you guyz crazy moans evuree nights!" Aimee said as she impersonated the act of going coo-coo with her hand.

Clad in a sporty blazer, lame 90's turtle-neck, a gold chain and as insipid as any soap opera can get - donning circular sunshades with a groomed face and geeky gelled hair – he hurriedly walked through the corridors.

With a feigned expression he took off his shades and shifted his stance, squinting at the person in front of him. "Sonika, my love? Is that really you?"

With her back faced to him Sonika peered through the window of the mansion. Nothing looked too awkward from behind, in fact Sonika still had that amazing ass! If it ain't broke don't fix it right?

"Are the rumors true? Is it true that you have gone through a sex change?" Tail pleaded in an apprehensive manner.

The effusive music reached its epic climax and the camera zoomed on the new and improved Sonika!

"I'm not Sonika anymore! Call me Sonik!"

An eclectic mixture of a beard, chest hairs popping through an evening dress and ear rings had scared the living daylights out of Tails and returning back to our own story the fox felt the same way! What does the fox say you ask? We'll find out in the next line.


Back at the Lawn:

"NOOOOOOOOO! SONIC-AAAHH!" (Sonikaaaa!)

Tails latched on to the cow's neck as he cried, this also brought tears to Amy's eyes as she approached the two friends and hung her arm around Tails. It was like a bawling duo of infants, Sonic felt like his ears drums were about to be pierced by the cacophonous sounds of the two, ranging from the sniffing of snotty noses to hysteric cries.

"Ok! that's enough you two"

The two kept sobbing, Tails had let go of Sonic and was now embracing Amy while mucus and snot flew from his nose.

"Yes, that's very nice but cool off you two! I am alive as you can see!"

The words didn't seem to have any meaning to the bemoaning Amy and Tails. They just kept going and going.

"Do you see Amy? Do you see? He died and you didn't even land a date with him!" Tails sniffed while holding Amy in his arms.

"And you didn't take him to that tropical island he so badly wanted to go! The poor boy was scared of water, all he just wanted was a pleasure trip!" Amy rebuked while squeezing Tails as she cried a river.

"Chill the FUCK down dudes, not cool!"

Sonic was aghast by the flow of emotions. It felt strange to him, it was as if he was witnessing his own funeral. He knew his friends cared for him deeply but just watching them like this reinforced his feelings. Being a cow offered perspicuous insight, it was as if he wasn't even there but he was there. I am, therefore I think!

"It's okay Tails, we will go on that trip when I come back. I promise! And Amy, I will go on a date with you as soon as I'm genuine or I don't think me eating a dish full of hay while you chow down on a juicy steak would be your definition of dining out at a lovely restaurant, and currently I'm offended by carnivores! Now stop crying like a pair of nerve-racking twins before I stamp the shit out of you guys!"

The two dampened their sobs and embraced Sonic.

"We love you Sonic, we'll bring you back! Isn't that right Amy?"

"Yes Tails, as much as we've both made asses of ourselves today we will bring him back! To save him and to also prove our dignity!"

"Oh my, tears are swelling up in my eyes seeing your support guys"

In an utter reversal of matters now it was Sonic's turn to cry, tears pouring out of his eyes like waterfalls. Like an epidemic the two others began to cry again and we are back to square one, fuck!


Inside Amy's House:

"My own house also felt alien to me, walking in around here makes me feel like I'm impaired or something, it just doesn't feel like a natural habitat."

"Well Sonic we gotta brainstorm right now, we can't leave you outside right now can we? This is a what? Cackus?"

"A caucus Amy, a caucus! Solve some crossword puzzles!" Tails said while rubbing his forehead.

"Let's get on with the cockus, cock, bahaha-shit sorry!"

Amy and Tails were hanging by the the big red couch with a look of consternation on their faces. Tails was trying to be conducive, chewing a pillow while cerebrating. Amy on the other hand was lying on her couch letting out a cacophonous wave of flatulence. The couch revolted in disgrace as the stink went right down to its fabric, maybe it was a stinker summoned to life as a couch so people would fart on him in retaliation for all the olfactory terrors that person laid on other people's noses?

Sonic was rather surprised as he never found Amy to be the type to drop the funk. Tails stopped chewing the pillow and looked at her blankly as she was red as a tomato.

"That's nothing compared to cows."

"Say what?" Sonic and Amy said in unison.

"Cows really gas the place up, Amy your farting is in such a miniscule scale compared to Sonic's farting abilities. Did you know farmers have to pay fart tax for livestock? Sounds crazy but it's true."

"IRS agent, Ms. Rose your house is being revoked for falling behind your fart taxes!" Sonic laughed while Tails joined in.

"Well Mr. IRS! My lawn has already been revoked and asshanded by a lousy so called pilot and some hot stud super crush in my neighborhood who's been transformed into a cow! So go figure! Ugh, I really don't fart too often. Sometimes gas just has to pass!"

"So does this mean that if I stay in this house for a long enough amount of time and someone flicks a lighter in this place this place is gonna detonate?" Sonic asked in in a solicitous manner.

"Well, yes Sonic! You are basically a mobile leaking methane tank" Tails chimed.

"Fuck! First my lawn and now my house, just torch this fucker for once!" Amy blew a fuse!

"Everybody chill, we don't want to cause anymore trouble. Just keep the windows open, besides it ain't like he's a gas tank waiting to explode!" Tails bespoke.

"Well, I really gotta find a place to crash, I can't stay here or people might suffocate or become cremated in their sleeps!"

"Yeah, and I have basic insurance buddy, not one's covering house inferno's caused by sleeping cows! Sonic, honey I don't mean to come off as rude, believe me I would've let you live in this house with me if I could! I just don't want anything to happen to both of us!"

"Ames, I understand, no hard feelings! besides I told you I just don't find houses comfortable anymore, I'm feeling claustrophobic already!"

"Tails, don't you live out in the open where the fields are? I think Sonic could live there for a while until we find some sort of solution. There's plenty of grass over there!"

"That's all true Amy but the problem is logistics! How am I going to move Sonic over there? I can't fit him into my Tornado X?"

"Can't anybody drive me there? God, for the first time in my life I'm asking someone to drive me someplace!" Sonic retorted.

"Aww, don't worry Sonic! We'll help you get through this!" Amy admitted in adulation.

"Yeah, Amy's right Sonic! We need a pickup truck for that. But who drives one anyway?"

"Cream drives a lot, she works at a pizza place, delivering pizzas in a busted van. Maybe she can take us?"

"Cream? Man, that bitch's gone crazy! I can't speak to her like a civilized person for one straight minute" Tails spoke in complete censure "and I was considering on asking her out on a date!"

"Hey! Be nice now, ok, well she's kinda bitchy these days but it's natural for her age! Leave it to me, she's my best friend and will surely help things out!"


Mooooooore insanity still awaits for our fury friends on the next chapter of Sonic the Cow!