Lies We Tell Ourselves Chapter 4
Disclaimer: Not Mine
A/N – I'm finding it hard to get back into the headspace I was in when I started this. Other than I wanted the couple to just be selfish and go for it, let the chips fall where they may. Even though it sooo goes against my personal beliefs. There I just confessed to being a nut! Sigh. I have by no means given this up it's just taking me longer due to personal stuff and work.
~~CM~~
"So you're not even open to the idea of counseling?"
JJ closed her eyes briefly and sighed at Will's question. It had been a week since she informed him that she'd been unfaithful and moved in with Garcia. After the initial shock had worn off they went through a daily ritual of the five stages of grief. They were apparently going to skip denial and anger and move straight to bargaining today. "I am willing to go to family counseling with you to figure out how we move forward. I can already see that this is confusing Henry."
Will nodded as if his point had been made for him. "There you go, don't you think we should put Henry first?"
He had gotten into the habit of bringing Henry's wellbeing into every conversation and it wasn't the first time he implied that JJ was being selfish. She was sure it wouldn't be the last. "If you're suggesting we stay married for the sake of our son, then no, I don't think it's a good idea. It won't work. I'm saying that I'll see a family counselor not a marriage counselor."
Will moved until he was standing beside her. "We're good together, JJ, don't throw away everything we have because you have some infatuation with one of your coworkers." He looked at her pointedly.
JJ realized they were at the stage where he once more tried to determine who it was she had been unfaithful with. She chose to ignore it. "I spoke to my lawyer yesterday."
His eyes blazed as he snapped back. "Good for you. So did I, he tells me that I have a pretty good case for full custody."
JJ realized they were backtracking to the anger stage and again she did her best to defuse the situation. "I'm sure he's right. I hope that's not what you want to do…"
"You need to leave the BAU." He announced flatly. "If you don't I'll sue for full custody and take Henry and move back to New Orleans." He threatened.
"Will." JJ tried to reason with him. She wasn't sure whether he was serious or just trying to call her bluff. She had already assumed that he would use the full custody card.
"I meant it, Jen. You want a divorce, fine I'll give you a divorce. But you're not going to get to go off on your merry way screwing Morgan and having me here babysitting our son."
JJ stared at him for a long minute. "So you're saying that you're agreeable to shared custody as long as I leave the BAU." She refused to comment on his remark about Derek. Really, Derek? She thought, unable to believe that was who he thought she had an affair with.
Will's face crumpled. "No damn it. I want to fix our marriage. I want you back here with me. You and Henry both, we're a family."
JJ tried to point out they were beyond that stage, at least she was. "Say I agree to come back here, Will." JJ stated. "What then? You make me quit my job?"
He seemed to give that some consideration. "Well you can't work with someone that you slept with." He felt necessary to point out.
The curling of her hands into fists was the only sign that JJ was getting annoyed and tired of the arguments. Regardless that it was she that had brought this all on herself. Frustration had her commenting, "I never said it was one of my coworkers, you just assume…"
"Then tell me who it is." Will demanded. "Don't you owe me that much?"
JJ sighed, wishing she wouldn't have agreed to a conversation. It was only going to end up getting out of hand and resulting in either a screaming match or tears. "It doesn't matter."
"It does," He argued, "Because you fancy yourself in love with whoever it is. So I know it wasn't some random guy. Is it Rossi?" He watched closely for a reaction. "Hotch?"
Again, she didn't respond, she had schooled herself not to. "So I quit my job, then what? Where do you suppose we go from here? You told me yesterday that the sight of me makes you physically ill."
He saw her remarks as a sign that she was wavering. "I didn't mean it. I'm angry, JJ. You slept with another man."
His voice broke and JJ knew that he was close to tears. "You're right, I did. And I'm sorry that I did that to you. I'm sorry that I'm not happy being married. I don't want to hurt you Will. But I can't do this any longer."
"But we were happy." He disputed.
"Were we?" She challenged. "I mean, do really believe that? We fought all the time." It hadn't gotten to the point where everything was a battle or at the very least an argument. It had gotten to the point where they couldn't seem to agree on anything. And at times they each and sometimes both did their best to avoid the other.
"Not all the time." Will responded sullenly.
"No, you're right. We didn't fight when we weren't in the same room." She smiled at him softly to ease the sting of her comment and he gave a crooked grin back.
"I'm not used to giving up." It was a strategy that had worked well for him up until now.
"Look at it this way, now you have a chance to get the kind of wife you want. You know, one that is home when you get home and one that wants to fill the house with babies." She sat beside him and took his hand, squeezing it in hers.
His shoulders drooped, the fight having gone out of him. "You're sure that can't be you?" He asked sadly.
JJ shook her head. "I'm sorry, Will."
~~CM~~CM~~
She wasn't sure what she was doing. After kissing her son goodbye and leaving her home she drove around aimlessly thinking. Somehow she ended up in front of her boss's home. She parked the car at the curb and sat there for a moment not sure whether she should approach the house or not. The decision was taken out of her hands when Hotch knocked on the car window.
"Do you plan on sitting out here all night?" He asked when she turned her startled gaze towards him.
"I hadn't decided." She realized looking at him how much she missed seeing him. For a minute she just drank in his appearance.
"Do you want to talk?" He asked patiently. "I could make a pot of coffee, or tea if you prefer."
"A cup of tea sounds good." She hit the button to roll the window up as he opened the car door.
Hotch closed the door behind her as she exited the car and placed his hand at the small of her back ushering her up the walk to his home. "You look good, have you been okay?" When she only nodded he continued speaking. "They are going to release Reid tomorrow. His doctor is pleased with his progress. Morgan is driving him home."
"I know I spoke with him this morning." She entered the front door that he held open for her. This was her first time inside the small home he recently purchased. The proximity to his sister-in-law's home had been the ultimate reason for the move but she was charmed by it nonetheless. The cottage style home surprising suited him. "Where is Jack?" She asked, taking in the silent home.
Hotch smiled. "His Aunt Jessica is treating him to dinner and a movie for his interim report grades." He held her elbow as he guided her through the family room and small dining room to the kitchen. He didn't say anything as he reached for the kettle and filled it with water.
JJ took a seat at the small kitchen table and watched him silently as he move efficiently through his tasks. "You're probably wondering why I'm here."
He finally turned and met her gaze. "I figured you would tell me when you were ready."
"Are you mad at me?" When he gave her an honestly confused look she added, "For leaving without saying anything."
Hotch walked over and sat down across from her. "I was disappointed." He told her as she studied her hands.
She raised her eyes to meet his. "I really screwed up. I…"
Hotch swallowed hard. "It's okay JJ." He said softly, letting her off the hook. "If you want to forget what happened between us in New York I will respect your decision."
She gave a barely detectable nod then blurted out. "Will is going to sue me for full custody of Henry unless I leave the BAU." She knew him well enough to realize that while he had only been bluffing earlier but he would make an issue out of it. He had her infidelity behind him to support his demands.
Hotch looked at her puzzled. "I don't understand."
"I told him that I slept with someone." A lone tear made its way down her cheek.
"JJ," His voice was calm and soothing, "Will is not going to take your son away from you." Hotch assured her, reaching across the table for the hands that she was wringing, wanting both to touch her, and to still her movements.
JJ shrugged. "He's made several comments. Today was the first time he's brought up leaving the BAU. They are always quick flashes of anger."
Hotch's eyes widened as he pinned her with a glance. "He hasn't hurt you."
JJ was quick to shake her head. "No, he wouldn't. He's just hurt and mad."
Hotch squeezed her hands in support. "Then why do you think he would take Henry?" He understood his anger and couldn't find any fault with it. He was well within his rights to be upset over what transpired.
"He wants to make a point." She sighed sadly. "He has every right to be upset. What I did was unforgivable."
Hotch watched as she silently berated herself. "Do you want to be forgiven, JJ? Because as angry as Will might be I'm sure certain that he would be willing to forgive the indiscretion." He knew as he spoke from personal experience.
The whistling of the tea kettle stalled her answer. She watched as he rose to go and turn off the stove, then as he fixed them both a cup of tea. She sat quietly watching as he prepared hers the way he knew she took it. The simple gesture made her smile. "You're right you know?"
Her voice brought his attention back to her. "How's that?" He had been lost in his own mind preparing himself to be relegated back to the role of boss, friend and the memory of their night together just that, a cherished memory.
"He would be willing to forgive me, he'd like nothing more than for me to tell him that it was a mistake that I hadn't meant to have happen and that it would never happen again." He had said as much to her himself.
Hotch nodded and waited for her to tell him that she was going to try to make things work with her husband. "Right."
"But I can't do that. I would be lying. Do you know why I left the other morning without saying anything?" She stood and walked to where he stood by the stove.
He looked at her longingly, wanting to reach out to her but understanding that he had to let her call the shots. "I, uh, no," He admitted, "I don't. I assumed it was because you woke up and realized you made a mistake."
JJ shook her head, silently regretting her rash behavior. "I was afraid that you would tell me that we both made a mistake and that it could never happen again."
Hotch looked at her in surprise and quietly stated. "As much as I personally like Will I can't be sorry for my actions last week."
JJ inched closer. "You don't think it was a mistake?"
"No, I don't." Hotch stated emphatically. "Ethically, it was probably really shitty of me to sleep with another man's wife but I will never regret it. I'm not sorry it happened. I'm sorry that it's causing you grief."
JJ inhaled sharply. Why oh why couldn't she have realized the depth of her feelings for him before she married Will. "Aaron, I'm leaving the BAU." As she made the announcement a trail of tears escaped her eyes.
Hotch stepped forward, reaching for her. "JJ, you don't have to leave, Will is going to relent. He's angry now…"
JJ just shook her head. "I'm leaving because I don't want anything standing between us the next time I knock on your door." She looked up at him startled that she revealed so much. "I mean, as long as you want me knocking…"
She didn't get any further as he pulled her into his arms and was kissing her enthusiastically. "You don't need to knock I'll give you a key. Come whenever you want." He told her as he thumbed away her tears.
"I've handled this so badly." She whispered.
"I probably haven't helped matters." He declared honestly.
JJ grabbed on to his hand. "This helps, knowing that you feel the same, that you want this."
"I do." He told her, leaning in to kiss her once more, tenderly. "I do." He repeated against her mouth.
JJ sighed it was amazing how the words sounded coming from him she thought with irony.
Thanks for reading! Thank you for those of you who have left me comments and for those of you that are following the story. You make my heart happy! I hope you're still with me!
