Chapter Four

Sanity

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They thought I was making progress…they were wrong.

They found me bleeding on the floor, I was taken to the infirmary to sleep and be healed, and it was there I woke.

The lights were dim and that had been the first sign, it was also the smell, and the singing of the nurse, I've been here so many times.

My arm was bandaged and my head was sore, I was warm in the bed, I looked around the room, the curtain was drawn, separating me from the other patients.

I saw their shadow, no, it was her shadow, a girl, she sat on the bed, long hair, slim body, what was she doing here?

I heard a door open and the some whispering…Kathy.

Kathy was dressed in what appeared to jeans and a very loose shirt, her hair was loose and coming out of its clip, she stood hands on hips in front of my bed.

"Where did the knife come from Kai?"

I stared at her, she looked worried, and she sounded worried, was she trying to disguise her voice.

"Where you trying to kill yourself Kai?"

I shook my head, that wasn't the plan; it had been the plan along time ago but not anymore, it wasn't worth it now.

"I thought we'd grown out of this cutting Kai, now where did the knife come from?"

Kathy sighed and rubbed her head, she moved and sat down on the bed, she placed her hand on top of mine, I withdrew, it stung being touched.

"Do you want to stay here forever Kai?"

I didn't answer…she didn't understand, she thought I was a lunatic.

"The doctors told me you sliced right through the Biovolt embalm…was that the plan, to destroy the symbol?"

I looked away.

She sighed again, wiping away a loose strand of hair she stared at me and smiled, "You will be grounded, and no visits for a week and Kai…I had hoped…I had hoped you could go home soon".

Home?

What home, the only home I've ever known is the Abbey and living with the others, I have no home; I have no place to belong.

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A week with no visits that was punishment?

Grounded was when I couldn't go outside…outside, into the tree into the garden to dream, my hiding place, my haven.

Tyson called me mad, he said I was insane, a lunatic.

Tyson was only half right, I wasn't ever completely insane, a little mad but not completely insane.

Everyone seemed to worry about me at some strange point, everyone wanted to know what was happening inside of me.

The day they sent me here was painful and cruel and just downright terrible, I'll never forget that day, the day they betrayed me.

Flashback

Rain poured down the windows, flooding the gutters, hitting the roof in its own secret code of songs.

It was the worst winter of Japan and I was in the middle of it, I was standing in the rain outside in Tyson's garden, my eyes closed the water running down my body, washing away the feeling of humiliation.

Someone shouted out my name and I didn't turn, ignoring whoever was calling me to come inside.

Then someone touched me.

Turning I saw Tala, soaked and looking scared, he stared at me with those icy eyes and shook his head, water droplets swinging everywhere.

"You're a pain in my ass Kai…come inside its nice and warm and everyone's waiting"

"They can wait a bit longer" was my retort.

Tala sighed and shook his head, "No Kai, that's not it, you don't understand-"

"No Tala you don't understand none of you f understand"

"Kai, how can you say that, we've been through so much?"

"All we've been through is Boris hard training and the abuse we've been having all our childhood, but have you really been through what I've been through"

"Would it help if you at least told me?"

I glared at him, not saying a word, how could I tell him now, he just wants to know because I asked him.

I look away from him the rain is now light.

Tala places a hand on my shoulder, "Kai, we need to talk, all we went is to help"

"I don't need your help"

Tala sighed and walked away, I looked down humiliated, how could they understand, none of them, would understand what pain I'm going through.

I soon headed inside, to find everyone sitting, talking in hushed voices, as I walked inside they all went quiet.

"Hey uh Kai, could we talk?"

I nodded and sat down; the room was silent and tense.

"Kai, we, we think you need some help…so we uh, we all agreed that you should go to St Jude's hospital for the Mentally Unstable"

I sighed, so it had come down to this?

"And before you say anything, we all agree Kai, we just want you to be…to be you"

"This is me Tyson"

"No, its not, the Kai I knew used to closed off sure, but he didn't abuse himself and cut and never talk, the Kai I knew at least helped us"

"Kai, we've resigned out of the tournament and you are going to the hospital…whether you like it or not".

I nodded; there was no point in fighting now, so it had truly come to this, had I really lowered myself to have to care for by someone else?

I stood up and left the room, as I closed the door on my way out I heard Rei say, "I hope we've done the right thing".

End Flashback

My fingers fiddled with the bandage and I sighed, sitting on the chair I sighed again and looked up at the roof.

There was no point in fighting, I had my battle now I was the loser and I was done fighting, survival was the least of my problems it was the grip I had on my sanity.

I looked over at the mirror, clean as a whistle.

Standing up I stared at myself, glaring at my own reflection my fist made contact with the glass, I never wanted to see the truth, and it was dark and hurt.

Because the truth was…I was fighting a losing what little sanity I had left.

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TBC…

I love this fic!

Thanx: Darksouled Saiyanphoenix, Iluvbeyblade, Syaoran-Lover