The results of the poll are in and the pairing is ... (drum roll please)... Harriet and Caius. It was really close so sorry to those who voted for Jasper. There may still be a chance for it to turn into a triad if the story heads in that direction. I have no idea at the moment, Harriet's thought train is pretty crazy so it may end up in a Harriet/Caius/Jasper relationship and maybe not...

As ever I don't own Harry Potter or Twilight


Chapter 4:

At nine the next morning, Harriet re-entered the castle to be met by Chelsea once more. She had spent the night in relative luxury, the apartment that the vamps had given her was a rather large open plan modern one with lots of space. Apparently everyone at home hadn't appreciated her letter home so this morning in her box which was paired with one in Britain, she found a letter which implored her to not be an idiotic moron before. The letter then self-destructed and made a mess of her perfectly white kitchen surface, which wasn't nice of them, they could have at least found a different way for all their top-secret-special-not-to-be-read-by-anyone correspondence. Anyway, Harriet had been in a little, innsie bit of a mood until she entered the Volturi lair.

"Come human" Chelsea intoned.

Harriet had realised several years ago that she was happy when others were miserable, she became even happier when she was the reason for someone's irritation and angst. Chelsea appeared positively delighted with her new job as the one to introduce whatever-the-hell-Harriet's-job was with the Volturi. Therefore, Harriet was happy suddenly, she had the valuable opportunity to investigate the temperament of these vampires in the natural habitat… This of course meant that she had to scientifically investigate how bad their tempers were and how easy they were to irritate. Harriet was sure that this information would be invaluable for the wizarding world.

Her brain of course got side-tracked at this point, would she be remembered more for killing the Dork Lord or for her inquiries into Muggle Vampires…? Mind you, Dumbledore Chocolate Frog card read that he was 'Considered by many the greatest wizard of modern times, Dumbledore is particularly famous for his defeat of the Dark wizard Grindelwald in 1945, for the discovery of the twelve uses of dragon's blood, and his work on alchemy with his partner, Nicolas Flamel. Professor Dumbledore enjoys chamber music and ten-pin bowling.' (i) Harriet had yet to get a chocolate frog card made of her, which was awfully mean of them, after all if she had to choose between chocolate frog cards and her Order of Merlin First Class, it would be the pentagon shaped card all the way…However, to get his Dumbledore had defeated a Dark Lord and written valuable research. Would this examination into vampires allow Harriet the high honour of a chocolate frog card…? Would that vaunted honour then allow her a lifetime supply of the chocolatey goodness? Okay, Harriet decided, her brain needed to get back on track… after all she had missed quite a lot of the journey from the door of the castle to the door into the throne room…. She would compose her chocolate frog card later, after all she had to beat Dumbledore's somehow…. Challenge accepted!

Chelsea was by now pushing open the door into the throne room where her new bosses sat upon their werid thrones. Seriously, if Harriet was queen she would have a solid gold throne that could be carried around be her slaves when she wanted to go somewhere. Harriet nudged her brain back on track as the vamps looked over at her,

"Morning all!"

There was a moment of silence before Aro spoke, "Yes, it is morning, what of it?"

It took Harriet a moment to process what he was asking, "It is another form of expression, and really I should make a phrase book for you, otherwise you are going to not understand the modern world. And that would be a shame, it is rather fun."

"…Right" There was a moment of silence as the kings' of the vampires' processed her words before Aro ploughed on again, "Shall we discuss your duties now?"

"I am all ears, Mr. Boss Man"

Aro was a little baffled for a moment, "No you aren't all ears"

"Another expression, Sir, shall we continue?"

"…Yes. Your basic duties are to answer the phone from human tourists and vampire visitors. It is not unusual for covens to come to visit or nomads to pop in occasionally. There is a strict no-hunting-without-permission rule for vampires in Volterra so you are unlikely to be in danger from them whilst you are here"

Harriet muttered at this, "Nice to know…"

Aro ploughed on though, "You will also be responsible for organising deliveries and other jobs like that if needed. Are you clear then?"

"Yes, sir" Harriet said as she snapped a military style salute

"What does that mean?" Felix the Tank asked.

Harriet tried to think of a definition for a moment, "It is a sign of respect for superiors in the outside world. When soldiers and some members of the government see someone of a higher rank to them they salute to show deference. I didn't mean any impertinence by it"

Caius looked thoughtful, "So it is similar to the Roman army salutes?"

"Yes, just a modern version"

"I think that the lower guard should salute when they see us, what do you think brothers? If it is a sign of respect than we deserve it." Caius stated as he turned to his brothers.

Harriet, hearing this discussion wrinkled her nose in confusion, she had accidently caused the Volturi kings to demand their subordinates salute to them? Or at least that was what it seemed like…. Oh well, if they thought it was a good idea then who was she to stop them?

Within a couple of minutes of discussion, the three Volturi kings had decided that all the guards apart from mosquitos called Felix, Jane, Alec, Retana, Chelsea, Heidi, Demetri, who were apparently 'upper guard' whatever that meant (Harriet was pretty sure it was a fencing term but hey, what did it matter) had to salute the kings when they met them. After this decision was made the three kings once again turned to Harriet.

"We thank you for introducing us to this sign of respect, you shall continue it whenever you meet with us." Aro intoned

Harriet answered, more than a little bamboozled by the entire situation, "Thank you?"

Caius then dismissed her with a flick of the hand and a curt, "Chelsea shall show you your desk and your other duties."

With that Harriet turned to the female Draco look-a-like who gestured to the door once more. She was led through the dark halls for a few minutes into a light atrium that looked like it came from an account's office rather than, you know, the kings of the vampires.

"Here you go, human, your desk. The large doors to the right are where the tourists come in when they are brought in to be dinner whilst the elevator on the left is used by visiting vampires. You will not tell the walking dinner what we are, otherwise you will join them, understand human?"

It was clear that Chelsea was trying to scare her, not that it did much, her threats were nowhere near as good as Snape... However, Harriet felt the need to answer, whether or not the leech wanted it or now, "I understand perfectly, thank you for informing me". The use of 'media-smile-number-29' apparently was disconcerting, after all Harriet supposed, it was not everyday that a vampire threatened someone and then received a genial smile in response.


Three hours later, Harriet was bored. There wasn't a lot of work to do really so she started to try to see how far she could propel herself across the smooth atrium floor on her desk chair which obviously had wheels to amuse bored secretaries. The noise must have attracted a few of the vampire guards as when Harriet turned the Tank, Ferret Face II, Female Malfoy and Blonde Shortie were all there watching with bemusement.

"Hello!" Harriet said.

Blondie decided to answer the gentile greeting with a rude: "What do you think you are doing? You should be working"

"I have done it all, seriously it is all easy. Is there anything else I can do as I am bored, what did your previous secretaries do when they finished everything?"

There was silence and it stuck Harriet that maybe it was unusual that everything was finished. If that was the case then they hired dumb blondes or something like that. The most complicated part of it all was working out how to adjust the height of the desk chair, Harriet was aware she was small but really, there was no need for the desk to be that height.

"You can't have done everything?" Chelsea stated

That was a little mean Harriet thought, "Well I have sorted all the post into the pigeonholes, booked the jet to America. There was one call from a couple of nomads who are coming to visit in a fortnight, I have put them in the diary as I was told to. Was there anything else I had to do, I crossed everything off the list?"

Chelsea answered again, "No, that was everything. How did it take you so little time, it took the others all morning to do a list like that?"

"Because I am not an idiot, seriously, there was so little work on that list. Are you sure you weren't hiring morons?"

Blondie was keen to speak up at that, "Don't be disrespectful, we have killed for less"

"I am sure that is true, but seriously can I have some more work to do?"

Demetri answered this, "We shall speak to the kings for you. Find something to do for now though, I am sure there are more productive things to do than... whatever you were doing when we came in"

"Right-ho, thank you!"


Super-duper Top Secret Report from the You-Know-What Mission in You-Know-Where, Day Number 2:

Hello Kingsley and whoever you have in your office when you are reading this! I can confirm that as of 2201 hours I am alive, I have not lost any blood and I am not bruised, battered or hurt in any other way. Whether I am the same tomorrow is another matter.

So today I started my job properly, there isn't much to do but I am working through the list of tasks you have me, I am going to just double check all the information, it would be awful if any of it was incorrect. Basically my main job is greeting people and answering the phone... I can hear you say it, I know, they Woman-Who-Won, the esteemed Girl-Who-Lived, answering phones... How wrong is it? A total misuse of people and skills. I have been threatened a little against telling anyone that they are about to be eaten when they come to visit the castle. That wasn't very nice of them.

Below is a basic summary of some of the guards:

Chelsea- looks like a female-Draco-Malfoy, can't compete with his sneer though. She is the guard I have interacted with most. Seems to have some sort of mind power

Demetri- smallish, pointed face and dark hair. Again, might have a mind power?

Felix- Tank on steroids is an accurate description (ask Hermione if you can't understand the reference). Seems rather slow?

Jane- About thirteen years old, likes to glare a lot, vision problems? Small and blonde, possible mind power

Alec- Looks like Jane, sibling? Small with dark hair, another mind power, he pouts a lot?

Retana- appears glued to Aro, literally when he stands, she follows. Maybe its his magnetic personality...? See this is why you shouldn't send me undercover alone, I get even crazier. Back on track though...

Heidi- Could turn me, quite literally sex on legs, probably shouldn't show any photo of her to Ron, think Veela and more. Potentially maybe the equivalent to the village bicycle for the Volturi?

I will fill in more information in the next few days when I know a little more about them...

Lots of love to all (except Kingsley and everyone else who banned me from alcohol),

Harriet

P.S. I was wondering yesterday whether Ron did anything to help or to destroy Voldermort, other than eat and play a game of chess? I was trying to remember but struggled, I know there was something but I seem to be forgetting it.

P.P.S. I accidentally introduced the concept of saluting to the Volturi Kings, they now have all the 'lower guard' salute when they see them. Can you tell me whether this was a good thing or not?

P.P.P.S. I am sending a present for Teddy's birthday, I have not forgotten... Hx

Today Ron was the first to react to the 'report' that Harriet sent, "GET ME SOME PAPER NOW, I DID LOTS TO HELP... I...I..., actually Hermione, what did I do?"

His wife sighed and thought for a moment, and then another, "Ohhh, I know, you rescued Harriet when she jumped into a pond in winter to reach a sword"

"SEE I DID DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN EAT AND PLAY CHESS, TAKE THAT HARRIET"

"Shall we return to the matter at hand, Mr Weasley?" Kingsley asked.

Ron looked confused for a second, "What is there to discuss, she is alive?"

Kingsley tried to think of something to discuss but couldn't, he himself was still recovering from the 'report' that he had just read.

The moment of silence was broken by Hermione sniggering slightly, "You know what this means?" she asked. Receiving no response she continued, "Snape looses the bet, she survived two days under cover."

Laughter rang through the room at this as they decided to go find the man in question and tell him the good news.


I didn't think it possible but apparently it was possible for this story to get even more random and crazy, who knew right? In the next chapter there shall be some Harriet/vampire bonding as she introduces him to the joys of modern life!

As ever, tell me what you think.

(i) Obviously from the books, Dumbledore's chocolate card entry