Disclaimer: This is a complete work of fiction, in no way affiliated with D-Gray Man.
Warning: This will later contain Mpreg.
Chapter Four
'Fuck,' Lavi exhaled as he sank to the floor, head in his hands. He couldn't stop shaking, whole body trembling as though he was waking from one of the exhausting nightmares that tormented him in the dead of night. The back of his neck was slick with cold sweat, but his brow felt hot and feverish.
It wasn't fair, he had done everything to ignore the memory of what happened to him. These last two and a half months he had worked and worked to push it to the back of his mind, to force down the nausea whenever someone touched him, the panic and fear whenever he was alone. Still he woke sweating and sick in the middle of the night, plagued by the memories he couldn't keep locked up in slumber. During the day he buried it all deep beneath his double duties as Bookman apprentice and Exorcist and it was enough. Boookman hadn't voiced anything, but it was clear that he was pleased with his perceived progress. He had kept his persona firmly in place, internalizing the horrors, hiding behind the mask the way he had always been taught. His only slip had been with Yu, away from the prying eyes of the Order. He had shown him weakness, vulnerability in a way he knew was prohibited, but there had been no other option in his mind. If he hadn't gone to him that night he wouldn't have been able to do this, wouldn't have the imprint of a kinder set of hands on his skin to focus his mind. And it wasn't like it was something continuing, he hadn't even seen the other Exorcist since the night he had begged for them to spend together, the night Yu had helped him pull his fractured world back together. The other Exorcist had been on a lengthy mission on the other side of the world. There had been no chance for him to seek that forbidden comfort.
This however, this wasn't something that could be fixed by touch an affection, this was... He punched the floor, delighting in the pain that shot up through his knuckles. Why the fuck was this happening to him? Up until this point, before he had been taken by the Noah, his biggest worry had been his budding feelings for the long haired Samurai, the way that he ached for his presence when they were parted. To want Yu sexually was one matter, that fit in with his Bookman life, to crave his company, his smell, the sound of his breathing, was quite another. It made him a traitor to his apprenticeship and he knew it. Yet right now, in the scheme of everything, his indiscretions with Yu were insignificant. This was so much more dangerous... damaging.
All this time... he should have known. He was smart, astute, moreso than most and he knew it. How could he have been so fucking stupid? Why had it taken him so long to connect all the dots? He had heard that people pushed what they didn't want to acknowledge to the back of their minds, pretended as though it didn't happen, ignored the signs. He had seen it in grieving mothers who clutched the bodies of their dead children to their breasts thinking they were still crying for milk; the elderly fathers who stood at the window waiting patiently for their children to return from the front lines when they were already bloating and festering under the countless other corpses. But he had always seen everything clearly, with a clinical almost scientific gaze. The truth was what it was, the truth; there was neither good nor bad in it, it just was. So how had he missed this?
There was no other explanation for the tenderness of his chest, the constant nausea, the aversion to food and debilitating fatigue. It was clear what his body was screaming at him; he was pregnant. And to make it all that much fucking worse he just knew that it was Tyki's. How could it not be? Yu never came within him, not a single time over the course of their intimacy; Tyki had used him over and over again, at first delighting in making his traitorous body spasm, much to his eternal shame, and then as nothing but a sheath for the brutal pleasures of his black side. Knowing this, knowing what was there... his defilement was now complete. Tyki had implanted him with the evidence of those torturous days, his seed had fused with his own essence and a speck of life now grew within him. He leaned over the toilet, unable to stop from retching out acidic bile from his already sore throat. Why hadn't the Noah just killed him? Why had he left him alive, was this all part of the humiliation? It didn't make sense for his pregnancy to be a plan, not only was it almost impossible to control conception, but there hadn't been anything pre-determined about the way Tyki had taken him, it had been nothing but monstrous whimsy.
He sat back, wiping the back of his hand roughly over his mouth although the sick feeling did not leave. There had to be something that he could do to get rid of this situation before anyone else found out. Surely he could find something, some medication, a remedy... anything in the texts of the library which would give him the knowledge he needed. But he couldn't stop the niggling doubt clawing in the back of his mind. This wasn't usual. There was no record of Noah having children, the Noah were awakened from human bodies created of human parents; there was no need for them to have progeny.
Lavi raised a trembling hand, placing it over the patch covering his right eye. He knew it was because of his eye, there was no other reason for this to have happened, for there to be any physical compatibility with such creatures. All these years he had fought against it, tried to forget about it when he had followed Bookman around the world, and for his part Bookman did not mention it either. It was the elephant in the room, the one thing that should have been his biggest challenge to becoming Bookman. Yet Bookman had seen his skills and chosen to look past the affliction. Now, if this child was born, there was no way that he could stop himself from becoming history.
Panic tightened his chest and he found it increasingly hard to breathe. He couldn't lose his apprenticeship, he couldn't lose Bookman. He knew nothing else, had nothing else. This was his life, his tried to draw in deep breaths to calm his erratic breathing. Letting his mind go it filed back through his memories, the fragments he remembered of his early life, the constant biting hunger, the blurred faces of his brothers and sisters, the pinching, painful hands of his mother. Bookman had rescued him from that hell when he was about four years old, neither of them too sure of his exact age. From that moment he had been given a purpose, no matter how unintentionally. Initially Bookman had seen him only for his eye, as something interesting to document. But the more time they had spent together, the more he had learned and shown his promise... for whatever reason Bookman decided to keep him out of the records, let him follow him even though he gained an apprentice. Bookman had taken a risk when finally taking him as his apprentice, they both knew it, but neither had ever mentioned it. And now they would be punished for it. Bookman was too old to take another apprentice, there was no way he would have enough time to pass on all that he needed to. Lavi was his only realistic option, and if he couldn't get rid of this thing inside him then Bookman would have no choice but to revoke his place within the clan. Bookmen had no ties, no attachments, definitely not any family.
He threw up again, head spinning as he felt the world fade around him. Somehow he managed to keep consciousness, sucking in deep breaths of air as he clutched the cold porcelain of the toilet, resting his cheek on the seat. He felt like he was going to die. Bookman hadn't figured it out yet, of that Lavi was one hundred percent certain. No doubt he had chalked his strange behaviours down to what he had faced at the hands of the Noah, the mental and physical recovery he was meant to be going through. He wouldn't be able to hide it for long. Bookman was too astute, had known him for too many years. This was something he was going to have to deal with quickly. If it all failed then he would have to think about injury in the field, their duties as Exorcist were not safe, and no doubt being flung through a wall as he had been countless times before would result in miscarriage. But first he would go to the library, see what he could find there. If not, then he was sure he could sweet talk the nurses into letting him get more access to the medical wing than he should usually be afforded. All he was sure of was that he had to get this thing out of him, whatever the cost. But first, he had to gather enough strength to pick himself up off the floor.
