Team Fortress 2: The Jobs at Mann Co. Industry

Medical Mishap

Soldier groaned. While his enthusiasm for kicking robot tails was unmatched by even the most anti-robot personnel at the moment, he was bone tired, already burning his shoes beyond disbelief by blowing himself up in attempts at rocket jumping to the front lines.

"...Real men don't complain about their problems!" Soldier commanded himself, trying to take his mind off the pain. "They fight through it, keep moving for-"

A large cracking noise coming from Soldier's thigh begged to differ, sending the mercenary sprawling onto the ground with a scream. Soldier grunted, the pain growing intense, reaching for anything that might help him up. Grasping at a wooden stick lying nearby, he tried to prop himself up using the stick, only to somehow float upwards.

"Holy mother of…" Soldier muttered, looking down at the "stick". He was hovering above the ground, on a broom of sorts, a ten dollar price tag stuck on the back of it.

Thought you might need this Soldier.

Soldier leaned forward, moving forward as well. He saluted. "I commend you for your quick thinking, delusional voice!" He laughed loudly, whooshing away on the magic broom.

I already regret giving a volatile mercenary a magic broomstick, but at the same time curious to see where this goes.


Meanwhile, back at the base, the Medic himself was busy working on his test subjects- Patients, I meant patients.

Medic coughed to the side, clearing his throat. "Ah." He spoke, a much clearer German accent finally coming to him, resonating throughout the base. "Much better. Now, heh heh he… Where were we?"

He looked down to a dark skinned man lying on an operating table stained red, clothes torn and chest wide ripped open, where a large foreign bottle was lodged inside his stomach.

"Ach. Drank too much that you could chew, eh Demoman?" The Medic jested, poking the bottle with a gloved hand, only for him to accidentally rupture some sort of vein, blood spurting from the nose of the bottle, splattering onto the Medic's white robe, staining it red. "...I would kill you for that if you weren't already dying, gah. Alcoholic."

The medicine man reached for a tray, a set of pristine tools, well at least not stained bloody tools, laid on it. Picking up a white marble statue with the label, "Do no harm", he swung the statue like a golf club, dislodging the bottle, a bit of blood raining straight up.

"Enough of that fried egg!" The Medic chuckled. He adjusted a pair of small round glasses on his face. "The reference refers to golf, my good Demoman."

Demoman didn't say anything, as he was knocked out, and bleeding to death. Satisfied with the absolute terrifying way he removed the foreign bottle, Medic reached over his own head, grasping onto a mysterious device. Aiming the mouth of it at the dying man's chest, he positioned it cleanly, reaching for a switch and flicking it. The machine glowed, and released a gentle beam of light at the patient, the man's bleeding grinding to a halt, and his chest cavity slowly merging. The tissue and organs reverted to a healthy, regular chest, the torn clothes inexplicably growing back as well.

Medic coughed to get his attention, the previously comatose man sitting up slowly. His head was covered with a viking helmet of sorts, a little bronze plate sticking out from it that protected his face slightly and covered his left eye, a black eyepatch underneath the already clearly covered eye. His mending clothes consisted of a classic pink pirate vest and a large pair of blooming scottish pants.

"Erm. ...Valhalla?" The man spoke with a Scottish accent.

"Far from it, mein Freund." Medic informed him. "Arise, Demoman, from your grave. Arise!"

"Ya, ya. I got it…" Demoman swallowed, attempting to get off the bloody bunk he laid on, failing, and falling straight onto the previously cleanly swabbed floor below, with a loud groan. Blood stained the ground, which seemed to annoy Medic.

Medic sighed, and reached for the large healing machine he had used, grabbing it and tugging it off, sparks of electricity and protest from the machine. Pointing the health gun at the Demoman, he flicked a lever connected to said weapon, the safe red light emanating out again, the Scottish one eyed man getting up to his feet easily, although the pain in his stomach area prevented him from standing up straight.

"Oogh… Doc, did you happen to leave something in there?"

Medic pondered this, grabbing a large bonesaw and slicing through directly Demoman. Medic reached into the new incision, easily pulling out a large fragment of bottle, still healing Demoman despite his screams of agony, his chest closing again after the sudden move.

"AOOOOOW!" Demoman howled in pain.

"Bitte schön." Medic said, chuckling.

Suddenly, a flock of doves came down, pecking at the discarded organ tissue on the ground.

"Ach! Wilhelm, Jacobi, away! Archimedes, keep an eye on your friends!" Medic scolded the flock.

One of the doves seemed to nod, pecking at the other doves to leave, and they all flew off.

"Gah, doves. Some have the attitude of a pigeon, apologies."

Demoman was holding his sides, not in pain, but held them tightly as if to check if they were still intact and accounted for.

"Liver… Gallbladder… Stomach? Alright lads, now that you're here, we're off to war! Thanks Doc!" Demoman said, running outside.

"Hmph." Medic grinned, waving off the previously dying man. "Maybe now I can relax and-"

"ATTENTION, ALL REMAINING PERSONNEL REPORT TO YOUR BATTLE STATIONS."

Medic slammed his fist on a wall annoyed, causing a nearby glass container filled with a mysterious green fluid to drop and shatter, growling sounds coming from the floor.

"...Oh." Medic cleared his throat. "Now now, little bread, there's no need to-"

A loaf of bread with several rows of teeth leapt at Medic, only to get completely sawed in half.

"Silly bread." Medic said, picking up the cut loaf, and walking away, tossing the discarded, previously living bread into a trash bin on the way out. The bin rustled, a sickly green glow emanating from the hole in the bin.


Medic arrived rather quickly to his position, Medigun poised and at the ready. He scanned the battlefield, a large dustbowl ahead of him, literally the battleground map Dustbowl to be precise, orange dirt covering the ground everywhere, small supply shacks and a building with two stories, a large gray disc with a red spot on the second floor of it, exposed to the air. The entire place was closed in by walls, probably for the best considering the amount of bloodshed about to take place. Medic stood before an enclosed gate, the opposing team standing a mere brisk walk in front of him, all cocking their weapons readily. Medic looked around for his team, red wearing men also carrying volatile weapons aiming steadily at the gates. He grinned evilly, revving up his medical weapon of sorts. The Medigun responded with a beep, signaling that it was fully operational and ready to heal.

"Mission begins in thirty seconds." A voice notified the mercenaries through a series of loudspeakers built all over the map.

Everyone's hold on their weapons increased, their fingers gradually descending on the trigger. Marksmans' eyes were narrowed in anticipation of a moving target, miniguns held by hulking behemoths of men were whirring mechanically, bullets at the ready. Finally, Medic, the only healer on the map, cleared his throat, not as dramatic as the previously mentioned weapons.

"Mission begins in ten seconds." The voice added.

Everyone tensed up.

"Five, four, three, two, one…" The voice counted down. At the end of "one", the gates retracted upwards and downwards into thin slots, releasing the blue colored team out of their base, battle cries being shouted by both sides.

Bullets, grenades, rockets, and other deadly projectiles were shot to and from the gates, sounds of satisfying, painful yelps from both sides spurring the dogs of war, only increasing the death toll and fire rate of bullets. Medic was frantically healing teammates fighting nearby, moving from place to place, aiming the beam at anyone who had a couple leaking holes in them. A sparkling of energy from the mouth of the gun indicated that a charge of sorts was ready for deployment. Medic smiled evilly, aiming the the gun at a teammate, which happened to be the Demoman he operated on just hours ago. The one-eyed man was carrying a hand cannon weapon, literally a hand held pirate cannon, firing cannonballs that just so happened to have fuses, ramming into foes and exploding after the impact.

"I am fully charged!" Medic called out to his team, getting their attention.

Demoman gladly welcomed this, giving Medic a "ready-to-go" grin, which was answered back with a healing beam directed towards him. The beam began to spark rapidly, the beam affecting the entirety of of Demoman's body, the demolition expert beginning to shine red, when a red metallic sheen to match their team color glowed off of him and Medic. The two charged forward with their newfound appearance, bullets and rockets bouncing off of them harmlessly as they bowled over anyone misfortunate enough to get in their way.

"Hahaha, yes! We are unstoppable!" Medic shouted maniacally.

This killing spree would not last for long, as a pair of enemies from the blue team charged forwards, their appearance practically a blue reflection of theirs, an invulnerable force to rival theirs. Only, man being healed was humongous, a belt of bullets slung over him, firing a large minigun, shredding men in red colored uniforms with a rain of bullets.

"Well then, let's see whose ÜberCharge end first!" Medic challenged them.

The red glow of the two blinked out slowly, the period of invincibility vanishing.

"...Ah." Medic said.

The pair of RED mercenaries were rapidly filled with bullets, the two falling to the ground with loud thumps. The BLU team, on the other hand, quickly moved to the large disc, standing on top of it, the red light switching to blue, signifying that the azure warriors were victorious in securing that area, the remaining maroon men retreating to mining tunnels, a large set of rustic buildings buildings ahead of them.

Medic popped back up in a white room, Demoman arriving behind him shortly. Medic adjusted a new pair of simple spectacles to fit on his face fine, nausea from his previous death fading away.

"If only revitalization were as simple as… Killing a man and watching him spring back to life. Ah, my occupation would be much less tedious." Medic talked amongst himself, readying his Medigun once more.

Demoman scowled, walking to one side of the room adjacent to a huge garage door, moving towards a large resupply cabinet with an pack of bullets and a red plus symbol on the front. Opening the locker, he reached inside, picking up a brown bottle with three "X"s on the label. Taking a swig, he downed the bottle quickly, belching soon after.

"Ugh." Demoman groaned, running out of the room, the garage door automatically opening as he edged near.

Medic followed him outside, running outside to a wall of dirt. Moving past the wall, he stood in a small complex, the large rustic building in front of him with a small platform besides it, another gray disc with a red light on top of it, two flights of stairs leading up to it. Beyond the building where the mining tunnels the other RED team members managed to escape to, which were now under heavy guard, men with bazookas and shotguns aiming at the tunnel mouths for any opposing blue enemies, Sentry guns constructed to provide advanced firepower. Medic went from person to person, healing his teammates, the meter on his Medigun slowly increasing with charge. Just then, a battalion of blue team members charged forwards, a blue ÜberCharge sheen glowing off a pair of them, deflecting bullets. The man at the front, using a grenade launcher, blasted the sentries to bits with blue explosive shells. The red team was beginning to get massacred, warriors dropping to the ground, waiting to respawn later. Medic managed to duck behind the cover of a large rock with a large medkit behind it for some reason, because main characters seem to always survive in dire moments, healing… Scout.

"Thanks Doc!" Scout gave him a thumbs up, which only irritated Medic.

"Gah! Of all of the… I should've healed the Pyro." Medic said, a person in a flame retardant falling to the ground dead besides him.

"Hah! Don't worry Medic, you can count on the Scout and his Scattergun!" Scout said, cocking a short double barrel shotgun, running out to try and defeat the enemy force.

Sounds of explosions and gunfire rang out, and the Scattergun Scout was carrying bounced behind the rock.

"..." Medic stared at the shotgun hopelessly.

Looking down at the Medigun, he noticed that the Über meter was built up. Medic sighed, putting a hand to his cheek.

"Mission ends in thirty seconds." The voice called out.

Medic peered out from behind the rock, recoiling back when he noticed a rifle being fired a mere inch away from his head. Sighing, he decided to activate the ÜberCharge anyways, with little to no options left in his head. Jumping out of cover, he activated the Über.

"Doctor!"

Medic turned to his left, a large bald man with a minigun, fortunately wearing his team color, advancing towards him.

Medic grinned evilly. "Hoo hoo… This is going to be rather fun!"

Medic pointed the Medigun at the tank of a man, flicking a switch, the Über activating. The beam caught the man, healing him and making him invincible. The two ran up to the control point, the large man gunning down enemies left and right.

"Mission ends in ten seconds."

The invulnerability began to blink out, but the two were still going strong. Fewer BLUs were advancing on them now, but were still determined to take the control point.

"Five, four…"

The sheen wore off, bullets grazing the two red mercenaries. A few more red teammates had left their spawn room, coming to join the two still alive.

"Three, two, one…"

Medic smiled, wiping his brow. The red team's weapons glowed brightly, sparks of energy coming off of them. The BLU team had dropped their weapons, shaking in fear. Medic pulled out a different weapon, a crossbow decorated with festive Christmas decorations, such as a red bow and multicolor tree lights. He shot the bow at an enemy trying to escape, a red candy cane piercing his abdomen, killing the man instantly.

"Victory." The loudspeakers told the winning team.

The winners cried out victoriously, and went on to murder everyone else, screams echoing throughout the dustbowl, much to Medic's happiness.


Medic leisurely strut back to his medical room, cheers from other mercenaries sounding throughout the large base. The psychotic medical man took a seat on a bench, wrapping his arms behind his head. He closed his eyes, breathing a sigh of content, finally resting.

"Grrrr…"

Medic opened one eye, looking over at a trash can. Two mutant bread mouths appeared, angrily bristling at the doctor. Medic stroked his beard once, then took out a saw with a medical plus symbol in the center, a spike on the side.

"Unfinished business, I presume?" Medic asked the bread, which snarled at the sound of his voice. "Well then."

The bread jumped out of the trash can at Medic, who brandished the saw at the bread. The noise of growling and saw clangs was muffled by the glad cheers of mercenaries, still rejoicing over their extremely close victory.


AN: Sorry about the delay, a bit stuffed up, both with work and with a cold. Anyways, ignoring that, thanks to sebastian830 for reviewing. Yeah, Sniper does not have the power of owl flight, as I unfortunately do not have that cosmetic, thanks for reminding me of Medic's accent. Other than that, thanks for reading, this is ThePizzaLovingTurtle, see you when I see you!