Episode 4 — Hit Me With Your Best Shot
After Molly's departure, Mycroft addresses the remaining contestants:
"I can't fail to notice that there are some tensions among you. It is only natural that you may each enjoy the company of certain players more than others. We have reached the point in the game where you will have the opportunity to make your preferences known."
Sherlock opens his mouth to speak, but Mycroft holds up a silencing hand.
"This will not be done in a public forum. Rather, you will each use your journal to list the other players, ranking them in order from 1 — your favourite — to 6 — your least favourite. Please provide a reason next to each person's name, explaining why you are placing him or her at that level.
"Once you have completed your list, please hand your journal to me."
The contestants side-eye each other as they begin to write.
Sherlock finishes his list first. It reads:
1 — John, because he's John
2 — Mrs. Hudson, because she's Mrs. Hudson
3 — Lestrade, because he's Lestrade
4 — Irene, because she's Irene
5 — Moriarty, because he's Moriarty
6 — Mary, because she's after John
Across the room, Moriarty completes his list with a sneer.
1 — Irene makes me feel deliciously naughty.
2 — Mary does what I tell her to do, at least sometimes.
3 — Lestrade is so bumbling, he amuses me.
4 — Mrs. Hudson is slightly less dull than she could be.
5 — John wants to see me dead.
6 — Sherlock wants John instead of me.
Lestrade writes:
1 — John. I feel comfortable with him.
2 — Mrs. Hudson. She's easy to be around.
3 — Irene. She's easy on the eyes.
4 — Mary. She's not too bad.
5 — Sherlock. He's an arrogant sod.
6 — Moriarty. He reminds me of the people I spend my working life putting behind bars.
Mary's list reads:
1 — I'm drawn to John.
2 — Irene is someone I admire.
3 — I can't help but admire Jim, as well.
4 — Greg seems harmless.
5 — Mrs. Hudson's false sweetness annoys me.
6 — If Sherlock doesn't stop monopolising John's attention, I can't be held responsible for my actions…
Mrs. Hudson writes:
I don't really think it's fair to make us choose favourites like this, but if I must, I'll say:
1 — Sherlock, because he stood up for me against that reptile, Moriarty.
2 — John, because he stood up for Sherlock.
3 — Greg, because he seems to be an all-around upstanding gentleman.
4 — Irene, because she is somewhat capable of keeping Moriarty in check.
5 — Mary, because even though there's something about her that I don't trust, at least she's not Moriarty.
6 — Moriarty, because I think that man is at best unhinged and at worst pure evil.
Irene gives each of the other players a calculating look before completing her list.
1 — Mary. I think she and I have a lot in common. And I wouldn't mind finding out if we have even more in common than she knows.
2 — Martha. I admire a strong woman, no matter what her age.
3 — Jim. What can I say? I enjoy the challenge of keeping him in line.
4 — Greg. He may have hidden depths. Then again, he may not.
5 — John. He's just not my cup of tea.
6 — Sherlock. It's nothing personal — he's just too good at this. I'm placing him last purely for strategic reasons.
John is the last to finish. His doctor's scrawl reads:
1 — Sherlock, because he's the most brilliant man I've ever met. Because I can laugh with him, and be serious with him, and maybe, one day, even fall in love with him…
2 — Lestrade, because he's a regular bloke, like me.
3 — Mrs. Hudson, because she reminds me of my mum.
I like all of the above, and none of the below.
4 — Irene, because I don't like the way she flirts with Sherlock.
5 — Moriarty, because he was rude to Sherlock and to Mrs. Hudson.
6 — Mary, because she was rude to Sherlock, and I don't like the way she flirts with me.
Once all of the players have turned in their journals, Mycroft says, "I hope your memories are in good working order, because I'll be holding on to these until after the next challenge, which means that you will not have anywhere to record your observations, nor will you be able to refer to your notes during the next quiz."
There are groans from most of the players at this announcement.
Mycroft ignores them, and continues, "I suggest that you all head to bed early, so that you will be well rested for tomorrow's challenge. However, the least popular among you should not expect to get too much sleep tonight…"
On that cryptic note, Mycroft departs, amidst a wash of confused murmurings.
…
At 3:33 AM, two large men, dressed head to toe in black, with ski masks covering their faces, burst into Sherlock's room. They seem to be momentarily startled to find him seated in an armchair, fully dressed, gazing at them calmly.
Sherlock rises, and the men rush over to him. One pins his arms behind his back, while the other secures his wrists together with duct tape before placing another strip of duct tape over his mouth.
Sherlock does not struggle. Instead, he accompanies his abductors docilely as they guide him out to a waiting vehicle and push him inside. Sherlock disappears from view as the masked men slam the door and drive off into the night.
…
Four hours later, the remaining players are summoned to breakfast. John arrives first. He looks up eagerly as each new person enters the room, and then his smile dims somewhat as he sees who has arrived. His expression becomes more and more anxious as the minutes pass and Sherlock fails to appear.
At 8:00, Mycroft joins the six contestants at the breakfast table. He is carrying a laptop, which he flips open. "There is something I think you should see," he says ominously, as he turns the screen to face them, showing the scene of Sherlock's abduction.
As the footage ends, Mycroft says, "As I warned, the least popular player did not get much sleep last night."
"How could Sherlock possibly be the least popular?" Mrs. Hudson asks incredulously. She narrows her eyes at Moriarty, who is wearing a gleeful smirk.
"Three of you placed him last on your lists," Mycroft tells the group. "No one else was ranked last by more than two of you."
"But what have you done with him?" Mrs. Hudson demands.
"He has been taken to Crackpot Cave, in North Yorkshire. There, he will be held hostage until you rescue him."
"Why would we want to do that?" asks Moriarty with a sneer. "We obviously hate him, and you've been good enough to take him off of our hands. I'd say thanks are in order, and good riddance."
John glares daggers at Moriarty, but Mycroft holds up a hand to forestall any retorts.
"Your challenge today will be to make it past the snipers guarding the path to Crackpot Cave and rescue Sherlock. The snipers will be armed with paintball guns. If you are hit, you will be out of the challenge.
"For each player who successfully reaches the cave without being shot, £10,000 will be added to the group's kitty. In addition, if at least one of you makes it into the cave and finds Sherlock within an hour after the challenge begins, you will earn an extra £100,000.
"However, if you fail to rescue Sherlock before the time is up, you will receive no money for this challenge, and Sherlock will be eliminated from the game.
"Oh, and there's one more twist. Sherlock has been informed of the reason for his abduction, and the rules of this challenge. He has also been given an offer. If he chooses, he may forfeit the game now, and walk away with all of the money that's currently in the group's kitty, leaving the remaining six of you to begin all over again with nothing."
"Well, there's no point in trying to rescue him then," says Lestrade. "I'm sure he's pissed off at the rest of us for ranking him last, and he's going to take his revenge by running off with all of our money."
"That's not fair," Mrs. Hudson rebukes him. "I'm sure his feelings are hurt that some people here don't like him, but I don't think he'll let that get in the way of playing the game."
"More to the point, he probably thinks his odds of winning it all are good enough that walking away at this stage won't be a very attractive proposition," says Irene.
"Oh, that's not why he won't walk away," scoffs Mary. "He's the mole, so he can't leave the game. Mycroft is just messing with our heads."
Mycroft gives a little sniff at this. "I hope you are quite through," he says haughtily, "because I am not. There is one more condition to this challenge. The player who was ranked highest will be the captain of the rescue team. With three number one votes, that player is John."
John's face registers a combination of surprise and determination.
…
As the six members of the rescue team head for Yorkshire in a van driven by one of the production crew, John tackles his role as captain. He has a map, two paintball guns, and three caving helmets with LED lamps.
"Lestrade and I will carry the guns," John says, "and head in opposite directions up into the hills to flank the snipers, hopefully taking them out before they can take out any of us. Mrs. Hudson and Mary will be in the front line on the central path through the valley, drawing sniper fire to help us pinpoint their locations and eliminate them. Then, Irene and Moriarty, wearing the helmets, should have a clear run to the cave entrance. Once inside, switch on the headlamps and locate Sherlock as quickly as possible. Any questions?"
"Who's wearing the third helmet?" Mary asks.
"I will," John tells her. "Just in case no one else makes it, I can drop down from the hillside once I'm past the snipers and sneak into the cave."
"This whole thing is pointless," Moriarty complains. "Sherlock knows he's our least favourite player, so he won't expect us to rescue him. That means he's going to be out of the game either way, so why wouldn't he just take the money and run? He's going to be long gone before we even get there. I know I would be."
"Yeah, well, then it's a good thing Sherlock isn't you. He's not a quitter, and he knows that nothing will stop me from coming for him."
"I admire your loyalty, dear," says Mrs. Hudson. "But don't you think it might be better to let someone else take one of the guns? Trying to sneak up behind a sniper while climbing a hill with that cane sounds pretty tricky. I know how these things are — I have a hip."
A look of hurt flashes across John's face, but quickly vanishes. "Thank you for your concern, Mrs. Hudson," he says. "But I'm an excellent marksman, and when I asked if anyone else here knew how to use a gun, Lestrade is the only other player who said he had any experience. What I lack in mobility, I'll make up for in skill."
…
When the van drops them off a mile from Crackpot Cave, the six members of the rescue team put John's plan into motion.
John heads to the right and Lestrade to the left, climbing the hills on either side of the valley. The area is lightly wooded, providing cover for them, as well as for the snipers. The two armed men are soon out of sight.
Irene and Moriarty wait behind while Mary and Mrs. Hudson set off along the trail. Mary takes the lead, zig-zagging erratically, presenting an unpredictably moving target. A volley of paintball fire erupts from both hillsides, but she manages to dodge the flying missiles.
There is a whoop of victory from Lestrade. Presumably, he has taken out one of the snipers. Mary turns toward the sound, just in time to be hit in the back by a paintball fired from the right.
She falls to the ground, as the players have been instructed to do when shot. However, the fact that she's supposed to be dead doesn't keep her from voicing her displeasure with Lestrade. "Keep your bloody mouth shut, you fool! You don't need to announce your location to the rest of the snipers!"
Lestrade has enough sense not to respond. There is no sound from John, either, so there's no way to know whether he's taken out a sniper, been shot himself, or is just limping around ineffectually.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Hudson is making her way more slowly along the path, apparently experiencing some difficulty with her hip. She passes the place where Mary is lying without incident. A few hundred yards farther along, though, there is another barrage of paintball fire, and she goes down.
Moriarty comes along next, sauntering past the place where each of the women has fallen. It seems that John and Lestrade have done their jobs, because the snipers who took out Mary and Mrs. Hudson do not fire at him.
As Moriarty strolls around a bend in the path, Crackpot Cave comes into view. He picks up his pace. A paintball flies from the left, whizzing past him and hitting the ground.
"Missed me, missed me, now you've gotta kiss me!" Moriarty sing-songs.
The next paintball comes from the right. It strikes directly over his heart. Moriarty clutches his chest and does an overly dramatic pantomime of a long, drawn-out death.
Now it's Irene's turn. She emulates Mary — weaving back and forth as she races for the cave entrance. She's almost there when a single paintball catches her in the right shoulder, taking her down.
For several long moments, nothing happens. Then John comes hurtling down off of the hillside and flings himself into the mouth of the cave.
All is blackness until he turns on his headlamp.
John crawls forward through the aptly named Knee-wrecker Passage. Once he can stand, he hurries along the tunnels, glancing anxiously at his watch as he searches for the hostage. The one hour time limit for the rescue mission is almost up. If he fails, £100,000 — and Sherlock — will be gone.
If Sherlock isn't gone already, that is. He had been given the option of taking all of the money earned by the group so far and leaving the game. John had told the others that Sherlock wouldn't do that. Was he correct?
Just as the final seconds are ticking away, John squeezes through a narrow gap into a large chamber. Sherlock is there, waiting for him with open arms.
…
John and Sherlock emerge from the cave to a mixed reception. Mrs. Hudson is unreservedly delighted to see them both. For the rest of the players, however, the pleasure they express at the addition of £110,000 to the group's kitty is somewhat tempered by the fact that Sherlock comes with it.
Before they have an opportunity to discuss the challenge, the contestants are all whisked away in separate vehicles. On their way to a local B & B, they are each given a quiz about the mole.
As soon as they arrive at their lodgings, Mycroft gathers them together to reveal the results. As usual, he says each player's name before typing it into his laptop.
Mary looks relieved when her name is called first, since there are always several 'safe' players announced to build tension before the mole's victim is identified. She and the other contestants gasp in surprise as the laptop screen immediately turns red.
Mary is out of the game.
…
End Notes: Every time I sat down to work on this story in the past two weeks, I ended up re-writing a children's classic with a Johnlock twist instead. If you're in the mood for some fluff and humor, you might want to check out my Johnlock Folk Tales, which include Sherlock and the Three Watsons, The Gingerbread Detective, Little Red Buttonhole, and John is NOT the Little Red Hen.
My unplanned foray into folktales means that I didn't finish writing this episode until 6:00 this morning. If you appreciate my dedication to providing you with quality programming at a regularly scheduled time, please leave a review. Thanks! :)
