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Chapter 4: Staying Back Alone, The First Expedition

The girl passed by several times, the boy sat on the front steps as usual. She honoured her promise, she did not disturb him. Even though it was apparent he was lonely.


The day of the expedition. I was finally allowed to leave the Scout's infirmary. I made my way back to the barracks to see it empty. Everyone had already left. Every step I took echoed through the lifeless room like a loud wind blowing a forest of giant trees. I had only seen a forest of giant trees once from afar, when I finally got up from the underground I hoped to see one up close one day, to be able to climb up one and see the blue skies stretched over the green fields.

As I dreamed of giant forests, I struggled to get up to my bed. The ladder was only a few rungs high but, my leg still felt sore after every step and my shoulder wasn't much use. I had only one hand to help me up to the top. After a few moments, I finally made it up and glanced over at the rows of beds that were unfilled. I would probably never be alone like that again.

I laid down, the papers clenched in my hand. I had read the plans for the expedition once, not really understanding most of it. I decided to look it over again, hoping to figure out where people would be positioned and the level of risk they would have.

The map of the formation was quite well thought-out. I was glad to know that the new formation created by Captain Erwin Smith would be ideal to decrease risk, to decrease the chances of Tereza dying…

Immediately shaking off the thought, I noticed the position I would have been in if I had gone. Nervousness and relief overshadowed me simultaneously when I saw that I would have been in one of the most risky positions, the front row. I was glad I wasn't there on my first expedition, relieved I didn't have to experience that but, I knew I would have to eventually. On the next trip outside the walls, I would be there…

What am I thinking? I am strong enough, I can kill titans like it was my morning routine. I did outstandingly in training, I would have been fine! I forced thoughts of reassurance into my mind. I didn't deserve to be scared, I had to be brave. I was the strongest in my class. I wasn't supposed to be scared.

I turned around and looked at the scenery outside my bedside window. A large hill sat in the distance behind a short wall. A small, underwhelming forest stood to the left. Nowhere near as close to as tall as I wanted to see but, it was still much more beautiful than the dirt-filled underground I came from.

Thinking of home made me shiver and welcome a feeling of uneasiness. That cold heartless place was somewhere I never wanted to return to. I never wanted to see the things that haunted me as a child again. The murders, robberies, greedy merchants, diseased streets. I never wanted to go back, I never wanted to remember the horrors I had to endure there.

But my mind wandered, and I did. Flashbacks haunted my mind. The terrible messed up life I had to call a childhood came rushing back, even after pushing it away for so long. Scenes of blood, death and thugs overtook my mind, causing tears to start piling up under my eyelids. It was almost the anniversary of that day, the worst day of my life.

I cried in silence in the lifeless room.

Days passed. Only the doctor and a couple people who took care of the extra horses were with me. I was basically alone, I didn't speak to any of them. All I could do was wander around the base and get lost in my thoughts.


"They have returned!" A voice called out across the base, waking me from my sleep. I had slept in by accident, it seemed like it was almost noon.

It had been just over ten days since they left. I did next to nothing the whole time. I was really excited to see a lot of people fill the barracks again. I wanted to have late night conversations with Tereza again, get to know my fellow roommates more. There weren't many chances to socialize with others, hopefully there would be a small break now that they were finished an expedition.

I ran towards the entrance to the headquarters to see horses in the distance and people riding them home. They were back, everyone was back. It wasn't until they were right in front of me that my spirits dropped.

Two carts full of cloth wrapped bodies were in tow, the number of moving people was much lower than I ever could have expected it to be. They came riding in, their heads hung low. Tears fell down some faces, other people seemed so chocked their faces were blank. I immediately knew the expedition was more of a loss than a success.

More people passed, I hadn't seen anyone from my squad. I immediately dismissed my growing worry and assumed they passed me already. I looked towards the end and relief engulfed me. Tereza sat on a horse that slowly walked past the gate, she was safe, she made it.

"Tereza!" I called out to her. She turned her head, smiled slightly and looked away again. I couldn't have imagined what she saw on that trip, especially with that many recovered bodies in tow. I didn't even want to think about how many got eaten…

I decided to walk back without even seeing everyone that came back, not even making sure the people I knew were safe because I doubted they even were.


No one spoke that night. Tereza didn't say a word to me since the return. She sat silently on her bed, staring out the window. I knew she was definitely regretting everything, contemplating on the past week.

"Cadet Kurokawa! Please follow me immediately!" A female soldier stood in the doorway. She was much more senior than me, I hadn't seen her before. I slowly climbed down from my bed with eyes watching me. I was the only one moving in the whole room, I attracted all the attention.

"Yes ma'am!" I saluted before she turned and led me out into the darkening outdoors. The cool breeze reminded me of my first day in the Scouts, the first time I saw Levi since we were both children causing trouble in the darkness of the Underground. Hope for his survival sat deep inside me since they arrived, I had no idea if he was even back home.

The soldier led me into the main office building where the captains of the five main squads slept and had their offices. A place I hoped to live in in the future.

The building was much warmer than the barracks, which weren't very well insulated in the first place. I relished in the heat that comforted me compared to the increasingly cold weather outside. The colder season was approaching and I always dreaded it. Nothing good came from it. There was less food and everyone was more miserable than usual.

"This is where you are needed Cadet. If you don't mind have any questions, I must leave now." My guide said. I nodded and she walked back down the way we came. I was left in front of a door with no idea what I was needed for. I took a deep breath and knocked on the large wooden gate.

"You can come in." A voice mumbled from the other side. I carefully peeked through the door as I slowly opened it and entered the room.

Surprisingly, Levi sat at the desk. His head rested on his hand which stood up on the large desk by the back of the room. His eyebrows were furrowed and bags hung under his eyes. In his other hand, he held a pile of papers.

"You're safe!" I said, excited and full of relief. He didn't answer me.

"Where's the captain, this is his office isn't it?" I asked. No answer again.

"Why aren't you answering me?"

"They're all dead."

"What?"

"The whole squad is dead, Chana. Every last one of them."

"But… How? They were part of the elite squad!"

"There were five abnormals that attacked at once. They had no chance."

"Then… How are you alive..?"

"I was ordered to relay an oral message to the commander. When I got back, they were all dead and we had to retreat."

"No…" My voice shook as I spoke. I couldn't believe him, I didn't want to. I kept denying it in my head, even though I knew it was pointless. I knew Levi wouldn't joke about that. I knew he would never make light of death, especially in front of me.

"The commander asked me to become the new Captain, the new section leader for the elite squad."

My head immediately shot in his direction, making eye contact with him instantly.

"I'm not sure if I should accept it or not, I have until tomorrow to decide." He explained, "I brought you here to let you know about everyone though. You can leave now."

I stood there, still looking at him as his focus shifted to the piles of papers on the desk. He was the only survivor and he was bottling up the pain of losing his whole team. I could hardly imagine what he was thinking, what he wished he could have done. He knew he could have helped. Stress and a hint of guilt was plastered all over his face.

"I told you to leave."

"You should become the new captain." I blurted out, not having a clue what I was saying. But, I didn't waver. I was right, he was strong and he deserved the position. He was the only one who could carry on as the leader of the elite squad. He was the only surviving member that had actually gone on expeditions with them.

"What?" He said, glaring at me, "It's not your decision."

"I know it isn't. But, I know you. You would make a great leader and would be able to take the squad further that it has ever been. I know you woul…"

"Look, I know we knew each other back then but you don't know me now. Get out of my office and go back to the fucking barracks!" He ordered. His voice sounded somewhat threatening. I quietly left. He seemed frustrated enough when I first got there, I didn't want to make him any angrier than I already had.

I slipped back into the barracks and turned to the window, gazing at the stars peeking through the few small clouds. As the sky got darker, I slowly fell asleep, thinking of the day that just passed.