A/N: I'm sorry this chapter is so short. I've got more written, but I haven't quite decided which direction I want to go. There are about three versions of this chapter in my notebook at the moment, and I really need to sort through everything, but you guys have been very patient and I really do appreciate that, so I figured it was only fair that I post what I have and end your suffering. Thank you all for reading, and a special thanks to my reviewers who are my inspiration. You're all so lovely.


Classes were horrible. Konohamaru was at his worst and Iruka was completely distracted. He ended up letting the kids go halfway through the day. He buried his face in his hands. One more minute and he would have completely snapped on all of them. He loved kids, but hell if he could tolerate them. His mind was too preoccupied to deal with children.

He pulled himself to his feet, grateful that Raidou insisted on taking over his shift at the mission desk that day. Iruka sighed and made his way toward Kakashi's apartment. He didn't particularly want to talk to the jounin, but he needed to. He wasn't even completely sure why he needed it. Closure? One last attempt to make things right? He didn't know. He just knew he needed it.

He knocked on the door and waited. There was no answer. Typical. He knocked again. Nothing. Iruka sighed.

"Kakashi?" He called out.

Silence answered him.

Kakashi wasn't around. He sat down with his back to the door and decided to do something productive while he went to work grading papers on 'The Importance of Chakra Conservation'. It was a task mundane enough to offer a level of comfort and monotony. A promise that things never really changed, despite what happened, life went on. Thing remained generally the same. No matter what happened here, life wouldn't be dramatically different with or without Kakashi. Somehow that thought wasn't as comforting as He would have expected.

Iruka lost himself in the simplicity of his work. His thoughts wondered off task occassionally, but he remained generally focused, tried not to think too much about other things. Thinking only made him worry about what might happen with Kakashi. He was so caught up in what he was doing that he didn't notice the presence approaching him. He tensed when a hand landed on his shoulder.

"Come in..."

Iruka looked up to see Kakashi standing over him He looked so tired, but there was an air of certainty about him that was almost comforting. The chuunin stood, and followed Kakashi into the apartment. He had considered what he was going to say, but with Kakashi present none of it seemed important anymore.

"Sit." Kakashi whispered.

In any other context Iruka would have been offended by this developing string of commands, but he understood this. Kakashi something important to say. The only thing that mattered right then was hearing what he had to say.

Kakashi pulled down his mask and looked Iruka in the eye. "I need to be honest with you."

Iruka tensed. Kakashi was being more open than he'd ever been and the chuunin wasn't exactly sure what it meant.

"I love you." Kakashi's voice was sad, but his face was stoic. His eye, however, held a deep pain. This man was tortured and torn; it was painful just to see such an impossibly intense emotion in a singe eye, and as though Kakashi had read Iruka's mind, he closed his eyes before he continued as though steeling himself for a harsh blow. "I love you so much it hurts." Kakashi voice was shaking with emotion, but there were no tears.

"Kakashi..." Iruka wanted to reach out and touch his lover, to hold him and make the hurt go away, but Kakashi short him a look that said he wasn't finished. That the worst was yet to come.

"I don't want to hurt you, but I will. That's just how I am. I'll say the wrong thing or I'll do the wrong things and you'll get hurt. You'll leave me." Kakashi's face twisted in pain, and for once he didn't reign in that emotion. You'll die. They all die. "I can't handle that. I can't be the one that hurts you, Ruka. I need you to be happy. I need to know that you'll be alright." He paused. "I need to go away."

"No." Iruka whispered, eyes wide in shock and tears building up.

Kakashi cupped the chuunin's face in his hands and wiped the falling tears away with his thumbs. "Don't cry." He whispered, his voice thick with his own sadness. Tears fell freely down his face.

"Where are you going?" Iruka's voice cracked in desperation.

"Somewhere you can't follow." He paused to calm himself. "You'll find some one else and you'll be happy one day." He was speaking more to himself than to Iruka, reminding himself that his was for the best, but it would do the chuunin good to hear it.

Iruka shook his head. "There is no one else."

"Do it for me, Ruka. Be happy for me, okay?" He smiled sadly. "I'm doing this for you. I need you to understand that this is for you not because of you."

Iruka gave a confused look. "What do you mean?"

Kakashi offered another small smile. "You're important. You're life means something and you've given me what I need. You matter. More than anything, you matter. You need to live and be happy. The village needs you. Do that for me, okay?"

"What are you talking about? Where are you going?"

"That's not important." He kissed the chuunin's forehead. "I love you. Don't ever think that I didn't love you." His thumbs caressed the chuunin's cheeks. He was looking at Iruka as though the smaller man was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

Iruka really did not like the sound of this. "I don't want you to go. I'm happy with you. I won't leave you, Kashi. I promis, but you can't leave me either."

Kakashi shook his head. "You will leave. You might not mean to leave, but you will. Just like everyone else. I made them leave. The village needs you. You do important work. You're a good man. You deserve more than what I have to offer."

"You mean I'll die? Kashi, everyone dies. It's not your fault. And the village needs you. Do you have any idea how vital you are?" He wiped away his tears. "I need you."

Kakashi stood from his perch across from Iruka.

"You need to go now. I just needed you to understand."

"But I don't understand!"

"You will." Kakashi promised.

Iruka would understand when the body was found. Kakashi was going to die as a man. He didn't want to die as the monster. He didn't want to die on a mission. Iruka had taught him to be human, and that's how he was going to depart. He needed to remove himself from the situation. That was the only way to be sure Iruka would be safe.

He had given Iruka what he never had but always wanted. He had explained, assured Iruka that he was loved. It was a strange gift, but an important one. He'd understand when the body was found. Iruka found himself shaking in a mix of fear and anger. Kakashi wouldn't... But it certainly sounded like the man had given up completely. He let out a sigh and Kakash looked away, sitting back down. This wasn't going to be good. He was getting frustrated. Iruka could take care of himself. He was a chuunin for a reason! It was insulting that Kakashi though he couldn't take care of himself. Sure it was sweet in a strictly Kakashi sort of way, but right now he was angry and thus ignored anything that wasn't going to fuel his anger further.

Kakashi's eye shot up as he felt a flare of angry chakra. By the time his eye landed on the chuunin in front of him, that angry shock was ebbing into a pulsating little sadness. Iruka's head was hanging don so that Kakashi couldn't actually see the chuunin's face. Nothing about this felt right.

"I won't let you." Iruka whispered hoarsely.

Kakashi stared at the chuunin uncertain of what to do, he wasn't even exactly sure what to think at the moment.

"I won't lose you." Iruka looked up. Tears were running down his face.

Something was off. Kakashi smelled blood. A lot of blood.

Iruka was bleeding. "I'm sorry." He choked out, though Kakashi wasn't sure if it had something to do with the chuunin's obvious bleeding or if the crying was strangling his voice. "I'm sorry." He croaked out and then his body went limp.

Kakashi froze. His whole life was crumbling down around him. He'd killed Iruka.

"I'm not dead Kashi." Iruka's voice rang in Kakashi's ears, but Iruka's corpse was lying their motionless. "I needed you to understand." He sounded so sad. "I didn't want to hurt you, but you needed to understand."

Kakashi had finally snapped. He was having a conversation with a dead guy. Wait. Why was he so sure Iruka was dead? He hadn't checked the body. There was still hope. Kakashi moved toward Iruka slowly. His whole body felt heavy, but he ignored that, groping at Iruka's body, searching for a pulse. He was so cold. The tan skin was turning a sickly grayish color. This was all happening too fast. Iruka was slipping away too fast and there was nothing he could do.

"No. Nonononononononononononono..."

"Shh... Kashi I'm fine."

Kakashi hadn't noticed he was talking until he was interrupted by the Iruka in his head.

"Don't be dead. You're supposed to be happy." Kakashi whispered both to the Iruka in his arms and the one in his mind. He was shaking, tears falling slowly down his face, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He was so helpless. So human right then. There was no ninjutsu or aquired skill that he could use right then. Nothing could make this better, and he felt so frail. So weak. He was just a man then. Not the vicious killer that had once inhabited this body, he was a mere mortal, clinging to one thing that mattered. Clinging to what he'd already lost. It was stupid, but he didn't care. It hurt so much Kakashi sincerely doubted that it'd ever stop. He could drop dead right then and nothing would remain of this fragile human, but the pain would linger on. There was no escaping this feeling. So he did the one thing he could. He wept, silently and alone.

It was a foreign feeling and it did nothing to ease the pain, but his body seemed to need it and he couldn't be bothered to keep that need in check.

"I want you to think about how you feel right now." Iruka whispered. "I doubt that pain would ever go away.

Kakashi knew it wouldn't.

"What you are feeling right now is what I'd feel if you did this to me. I don't want you to leave me, Kashi."

Iruka released his genjutsu then. It took Kakashi a moment to realize what was going on.

"Ruka?" He asked quietly, his voice strangely steady.

"It was just a genjutsu."

Kakashi was still crying, but he didn't seem to notice. He stared blankly.

There was an awkward silence in which neither even moved.

"Sorry." Iruka whispered softly. If it hadn't been so eerily still Kakashi wouldn't have heard it.

"I deserved that." Kakashi almost smiled. Almost. It still hurt. It was probably going to haunt him for the rest of his life, but Iruka was right to do it. Kakashi needed to see it. He needed to understand what exactly he was doing. Now, though, he'd need some time to cope with everything. Probably a lot of time, but he was a ninja. He could push it to the back of his mind and let it fade until he could handle it.

Iruka didn't want to go back to their discussion. He wanted to remain silent and let Kakashi sort through what had happened, let the man be for awhile. Everything was still too fresh, but it was best to get it over with now rather than opening these wounds again later.

"Tell me why, Kashi. It's never going to go away if we don't work through it."

"I was just trying to keep you safe. I wanted to do what was right for you."

"You're what's right for me." Iruka wanted to be angry, but he couldn't.

"You think that now, but it won't be true later. I'm not good for you. I have nothing to offer you."

"You make me happy. Isn't that enough?"

Kakashi shook his head. "I don't know."

"Tell me what you're thinking. Let me help you." Iruka's voice was pleading and concerned.

"I don't want to hurt you. And I don't want to make people think less of you. I want you to be happy." Kakashi let out a sad sigh. "I just want you to be happy."

"I'm happy with you." There's more to this than you're saying."

Kakashi stared at the far wall for a long moment. "It's dirty." He whispered softly.

"You think so?" Iruka asked taking Kakashi's hand in his own.

Kakashi had to fight not to pull away. Iruka felt right. Just being near him made everything seem better. He shrugged.

"I don't think so." Iruka kissed the jounin's gloved hand and smiled.

It was unfair that Iruka could do that. No matter how much thought Kakashi put into something, no matter how certain he was that this was the best course of action, Iruka could change his mind.

"I don't want you to go away." Iruka whispered.

"I don't want to go away." the jounin admitted."But I want you safe."

"The keep me safe." Iruka wrapped his arms around Kakashi.

Kakashi nodded. This wasn't dirty. Maybe it was like what he'd learned since he'd been with Iruka. Maybe this was dirty, but if it was it was an Iruka Mess, and those were okay. Those meant that Iruka was still in his life, and everything would be okay. Because Iruka was there, and he made everything okay.


A/N: I'd like to apologize for the tardiness of this chapter. I spent the weekend at the 'Midwestern Conference on Chinese Thought' and had very little time left for myself. But! On a brighter note, I've got a desktop now... much harder to throw out a window, so hopefully things will run a bit smoother now.... hopefully.

Eep! The typing in this chapter was absolutely horrendous! I've fixed some of the major errors, but I'm sure there are plenty more. I'm sorry.