January 30th 1966

Dear Matt,

Today we're at Saigon! You outta see this! I ain't never seen so many Vietnamese in one place. Me and the boys went to some bar last night and a lady sat down beside me. She goes, 'you want buy drink?' I said yeah and she gave me some beer. Then she's like, 'how old you?' I told her I was 19. She said something that sounded like babysan. She meant I was a virgin. Like I ain't never had no woman. I just shook my head and said I ain't never been with no woman and then I whispered in her ear that I only ever been with one man and I loved him very much.

She looked at me like I was nuts. I just laughed and laughed. Tonio asked how I scared her away. Told him I said I was gay. He just shook his head laughin. He din't think I was serious. 7 more months, Matt. I'm jus' countin the days till I get out.

Love,

Al

February 3rd 1966

Matt,

I am so glad to be in Saigon even if for a little while. You have no idea how nice it is to have a toilet. A real fucking toilet! Can you believe it? Lot of us guys din't to begin with. Bein in Saigon is kinda like bein on vacation. I ain't gotta kill no one unless they try an' kill us first. Lotta 1s here. I danced with this one S.V. lady. Said her name was Qui. She said dinky dow! Dinky dow! Called me crazy. I ain't crazy, am I?

Your hero,

Al

February 10th 1966

Matt,

We left Saigon today. I'm real sad to be leavin. I don't wanna go back to that crappy jungle. We got a job to do and I'm here to do it as much as I don't wanna. Matt, when we get all this shit out of here you and me outta come and visit Saigon together. It's so pretty. You're gonna love it.

Love,

Your hero

February 15th 1966

Dear Matt,

We're back out in this stupid jungle and all its stupid trees and its stupid mosquitas and stupid snakes. We's out here getting blown away again. Last night I was asleep when I just started screamin at the top of my lungs. Swear I saw Arthur above me with a sock in his mouth and Francis behind 'im. Roderich covered my mouth, but the Charlie still heard us. They started shooting. Feliks was killed. Lud and Tonio were wounded.

I went with 'em to the hospital tent. Met a pretty girl named Bella. She kinda looked like Francis. Same eyebrows or some kinda shit. She's a nurse. Says helpin people die is more intimate than sex. I believe her. I seen plenty of people die. Been there holdin my friends' hands when they were cryin for their mamas. I tell ya that's the last thing these guys cry for when they die. They all want mama.

Love,

Al

February 19th 1966

Dear Matt,

Some new guys came today. I met one named Eduard. Real cool guy. He know a bunch of stuff. Says he was working as a teach before he was drafted. He's 26. Poor guy didn't turn 27 soon enough. I hope he makes it. I want us all to make it. Matt, I don't believe I'll make it outta here alive. Can you believe that? Ain't right. Ain't right at all.

Love,

Al

March 2nd 1966

Matt,

Boy, it sure is getting close to August, ain't it? Six months away and I'll be home in bed with you. I keep wishin the days would hurry up so I can be home. I can't wait to go to the store! You have no idea how much I've been wantin to do normal things like a normal human bein.

It's rained a little last night. I remember how much you like the rain. I'm sure you woulda been out playin in it here. I wish I could see your face. Pictures just ain't cuttin it anymore.

Your hero,

Al

March 5th 1966

Dear Matt,

Yesterday Eduard was killed. Shot right through the eye. I saw him fall down beside me. I din't feel nuthin. Can you believe that? Do people see so much death they just stop feelin sad? I hope that ain't what this is. I hope I just din't like the guy as much as I think I did. War sure is sumethin. It ain't nuthin like I was exptectin.

How you doin? What're you up to? I wanna know all the boring details of your life. I wanna hear about your mom naggin you about findin a pretty lady. I wanna know about my mom naggin you about bein friends with me. I wanna know all that borin crap!

Your favoritest boyfriend ever,

Al

March 13th 1966

Dear Matt,

I wake up screamin all the time now. Guys are tyrin to get me sent home. They say I'm gonna get them all killed. I can believe it. I go to sleep cryin and wake up screamin. Somethin is wrong when you do that. Can't those big military guys see that? Why am I here? I ain't here to fight no war. I'm here to die. Dyin is all I can think of now. A bullet in my head, my body blown to bits, punji sticks, snakes, ambushes. I can't sleep very well anymore.

Love,

Your hero

March 17th 1966

Matt,

The days keep going on and so do we. I swear I waded in water that was up to my chest yesterday! I saw a snake in it too and I din't scream. I just stared at it and then reached out to pet it. Feliks grabbed my arm and asked me what the hell I was doin. I told him I was tryin to play with it. I think I'm goin nuts here, Matt. I keep seein you everywhere I go. I can't get you outta my mind. I miss you so much I think my heart'll explode. Keep me in your prayers.

Love,

Al


A.N./ I swear I cry every time I write something sad in these letters.