Warning: a bit of blasphemy, cornettos, angst, naughty insinuations…plot?

Disclaimer: I do not own Hot Fuzz. (Damn.)

I've finally decided that I'm going to do this as a picture book, like a series of snapshots taken every few weeks/months. Enjoy!

Fishermans Blues by The Waterboys


oo4.


TESCO – COMING SOON! blazed on the banner that hung across Skinner's old Somerfield. Its interior was once again lit up, but the décor had changed from green to blue and red. The parking lot was empty, but clean and freshly painted.

Danny took a healthy bite of his cornetto. "Did a good job on them bullet holes, hey?"

"Yes, lovely." Nicholas examined a scratch on one of his gloves. "When do they open?"

"Next week sometime," Danny murmured between bites, "or next month, I wasn't really listenin' when Tony told me about it."

"You were going into cornetto withdrawal." A cold breeze picked up and Nicholas put his cap back on, a smile hidden beneath the gleam of his visor.

"Well, I gotta drive into enemy territory to get 'em now, don't I?" Danny took another defiant bite. He watched Nicholas flex his fingers. "How are you doin'?"

"Fine." Nicholas shoved his hands in his pockets. "Ready to go?"

"Yup."

They walked back to the squad car. Nicholas fished in his pockets, then flushed and walked around to the passenger side. "I keep forgetting," he muttered, and removed his hat. Danny shrugged sympathetically and manoeuvred inside. The engine started with a growl. He put the heater on max and watched condensation retreat across the windshield. Awkward silence wedged itself between them like slivers under a fingernail. Danny turned on the radio and hummed along with some meaty German pop. Nicholas watched the ditch race by, expression closed.

"Here we are," Danny announced, unnecessarily. He slowed down, pulled over, and reversed into an unobtrusive clearing on the side of the road. The outskirts of Sandford were marked by a new sign that gleamed silver in the morning sun.

"You're getting good at this."

"Really?"

Nicholas looked out the window. "Yes."

Danny smiled shyly and flicked on the radar gun. The road curved gently away from the hillside and stretched out of sight. He pulled the key out of the ignition and rolled the window down. "Smells like rain," he murmured.

"Does it now?"

Danny glanced over. "Are you alright?"

"Of course." Nicholas scratched a spot behind his ear. A car swept by. 29.

"People say you've gone a bit loony." Danny's looked at his hands. "You're not, are you?"

"No, I'm not a loony!" Nicholas' eyes crackled. "Who puts these ideas into your head? The Andy's?"

"No, no. Well, err, I mean everybody's sayin' it, really." Danny leaned away. "You always seem to be somewhere else. It's your first week back, dude. We're just worried."

Nicholas scowled. "I've been on leave for four months. It takes time to…" he looked at his gloves. "I appreciate your concern, but it's unnecessary. I'm fine. I'm just trying to get back into the rhythm, that's all."

A tractor plodded along. 12. Old Robbie Carter waved at them. Danny waved back.

"Heeey!" Danny turned, but his smile faltered under Nicholas' blank stare. "See? This is what I'm talkin' about. You've turned back into bloody Robocop."

"They called me that in London, too."

"It weren't a compliment."

"I know it's not," Nicholas snapped. "Jesus Christ, you can be so thick sometimes."

Danny withdrew into wounded silence. He frowned at the empty road, hand clenched on the steering wheel.

Mrs. Fletcher rode by. 8.

"Hello Danny! Hello Nicholas!" Her bell trilled. She smiled brightly.

Nicholas nearly choked on his own smile. After a tense pause, he lowered his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, Danny." When this elicited no response, he glanced at his partner. Danny idly traced the insignia in the steering wheel. "You're not thick." Nicholas swallowed nervously. "It's just that…frankly I feel a little superfluous."

Danny looked up. "Super fluis?"

Nicholas almost smiled. "The NWA is gone, Sandford is safe, and I've basically been promoted to a desk job." He flexed his hands. "I'm useless, Danny."

"It's been a week, Nick. We're all adjustin'."

"Yeah. Sorry."

"Git." Danny's hand rested on Nicholas' shoulder. "You think anybody in the station will let you live that Kalashnikov story down?" He laughed warmly. "Heeey, c'mon now. What you need is a cornetto."

Nicholas laughed hoarsely. "We've just started our shift."

"Oi," Danny held his radio close, "me and Nick are gettin' some ice cream. Anybody mind?"

"Not if you bring me back somethin'," Wainwright replied immediately.

"Keep bringin' the goods, lads, and you can shag in the back of that car as much as you like."

Nicholas snatched the radio. "Doris."

"Like it's a secret," Cartwright drawled.

"Don't be rubbin' it all over each other," Tony added. Saucy laughter exploded over the static.

Danny pried the radio out of Nicholas' hand. "Knock it off," he said, grinning. "You want the ice cream or not?"

"Oh, can you get some jaffercakes, too?" One of the Turner twins asked hopefully.

"Ya, alright. Ice cream and jaffacakes." Danny hung the radio up. "Bunch of idiots." He laughed boyishly and eased the car into first gear. He glanced around, and turned right onto the carriageway. "Hey?" He glanced over, but Nicholas stared out the window. "They're just jokin' dude."

"Yes, I know."

After a long pause, Danny piped up. "They're just nervous, y'know?" He glanced over his shoulder, changed lanes, and passed a black and yellow smart car. "They can't handle the gloomy you."

"I'm not gloomy," Nicholas replied with a hint of irritation. "My private life is none of their concern."

"You know you live in Sandford, right?"

"Mm." A Toyota made as if to pass them, then caught their markings and backed off. "When is that new constable coming?"

Danny shrugged. "Dunno."

The rest of the drive passed in silence. Clouds gathered overhead, and by the time they reached Buford Abbey, rain pelted the windshield and Danny set the wipers to a brisk pace. The megamart store loomed out of the mist, its bold blue letters lit up the parking lot. Other people had had the same idea. There wasn't a spot to be had within thirty feet of the store. Danny sighed and parked at the far end, his eyes fixed on the overcast sky.

"We can use a handicap space," Nicholas offered with an awkward smile.

Danny gently bumped Nicholas' jaw with his knuckles. "Chin up." He opened the door and stepped out. "You gonna stay in here?"

Nicholas hesitated. "No, of course not." He got out, but winced when he had to bend his left knee. He walked slowly with a noticeable limp, and because Danny was his partner, he matched the pace. By the time they entered the megamart, they were both sopping wet.

Danny shook himself off like a puppy. "Can you believe that? Half an hour's drive and we're practically swimmin' to the shop." He fished out his notebook and flipped it open. "Well…seein' as how we're here, might as well get stuff for your party."

"My party?"

"Nobody told you?" Danny was all innocence. "You're housewarming party. You just moved into your cottage, thought we'd have a bit of fun."

Nicholas looked fit to scream. "Danny, this is not the…"he looked at the notebook, "did you write a grocery list?"

"Ya." Danny grinned in his disarming way. "Most important piece of equipment, Nick. You taught me that."

"For police work," Nicholas chastised, which only made Danny's grin widen. "You're not even listening to me."

"Course I am." Danny hung his arm around Nicholas' thin shoulders and guided them to the first aisle: fruits and vegetables. "Now, Doris needs potatoes for her homemade fries." An abandoned shopping cart sat next to a mountain of tomatoes and berries, which he pushed with his free hand. "Perfect! We can really get down to business."

"I do not approve, Sergeant." Nicholas' face was severe. "This is blatantly irresponsible."

Danny stopped by a stack of potatoes. "Better not tell the chief then, hey?"


R&R if you want. Don't if ya don't.