The Doctor leaned towards Rory. "Don't speak, I need to handle this one." Rory nodded mutely.
"We'll play this like so. One question, one answer, back and forth in turn, but only applies to the people in this room, and nothing overwhelmingly complicated or that would take more than a minute to answer, so no 'solve this physics riddle for us, oh won't you please,' do you agree?" Hammond nodded gravely. He was familiar with the games that Aliens seemed to love to play, along with their unusual negotiating tactics. "Good! Me first. Where am I... exactly?"
"You're in Stargate Command."
"I meant geographically."
"That's your one question," Hammond said.
"If that's how you're going to play it, then you're not going to get much out of me, either," the Doctor said.
Silence reigned in the room. Rory looked like he was about to speak, but the Doctor stomped on Rory's toe. Rory bit his lip in pain, but then stayed quiet.
"How did you get here?" Hammond tried, pressing forward.
"The blue box," the Doctor replied, crossing his arms petulantly. "Didn't you see?" The clock ticked by painfully, and The Doctor eyed it for a second or two. Impasse. Someone, or something, had to give.
"Alright," Hammond said. "You're in NORAD. That's in Colorado, the United States, Earth, 1999." Hammond said after a full and very tense minute had passed.
"Interesting. What is it about this area of the United States? Roswell was in New Mexico, Van Statten was in Utah... and now you're here in Colorado."
"Van Statten? The mogul?" Carter asked, leaning forward.
"Sorry, is that your question?" The doctor uncrossed his arms and leaned into the light.
Again, a pause. "Was that yours?" O'Neill asked wryly.
"No."
"Then that wasn't ours, either. We're cooperating, let's move forward, okay? Our question is, why are you here?"
"Uhm... well, this isn't my first visit to Earth. I live on Earth. But as to why I'm here at what you call Stargate Command, Colorado, in the United States? Well, that's actually an accident," the Doctor said. "We've had a friend, taken from us. Well, it would be more fair to say that I had a friend, and that Rory had a wife." Rory looked like he was about to speak, but the Doctor steamrolled through whatever he was about to say. "But right now? We're looking for her. Lost the trail around the Crawfish Nebula... but I found a wormhole, right where we lost the trail, too. I thought it was just too convenient to be unassociated, so I put the ship into it, and...well, now here we are. Looks like we made a bit of a mess when we landed. Sorry."
"You shouldn't have landed it all. You're lucky you did, I mean," Sam's interest was completely focused on the Doctor- it was an intense gaze, and one that made him squirm. "I am just saying, it should have torn you apart on a molecular level."
"Sam's our resident expert on wormholes," Daniel added.
The Doctor regarded Sam with an eye. "Experts" on the edge of theoretical physics always made him nervous. They always had something to prove, and generally would stop at nothing to do so. "Most wormholes open and close in space, with no real start or end points of interest or anything to mark where they are. I wasn't expecting someone to put the exit on the ground, on a planet's surface, much less to put a cap over its exit. That sort of defeats the purpose. By the way, this place is just awesome for rift energy, by the way. Really," he said, eying random segments of the room. "You've had some cowboys in here. Whole place is littered with time particles, tachyon radiation, phase waves... even a few parallel universe gates, yet none of them are active right now. Whatever you've been doing here, you're making Torchwood look lazy in its meddling with the fabric of the Universe."
"I wouldn't say meddling," doctor Jackson said. "Technically, we're doing what we have to, in order to survive. And yes, we're learning along the way."
"Yes yes, I've heard all this before," the Doctor said, raising his hands in mock surrender. "Torchwood. Does the word Torchwood ring any bells? No? Well, let me tell you, they're exactly like you- guns and all, research into alien technology, all for the preservation of mankind from alien threats. Only the artifacts they found destroyed them, and there never was any threat."
"Only," Jack interrupted loudly "this time there IS a threat. I'm tired of being told that we don't know what we're doing."
"And how many accidents have you had here as a result of alien technology you thought you fully understood, only to find out you barely understood it? Just because you're tired of hearing it doesn't make it untrue,"
"We wouldn't be researching these Alien technologies if we weren't in real danger."
"Oh? A danger other than yourselves gathering all this alien technology you don't fully understand?"
"Yes. We made first contact with alien races-"
"Technically, not first contact, if you're running by your calendar," the Doctor said quickly.
"First Modern Contact," O'Neill growled, making clear that he did not like being interrupted. "With an alien species. They're decidedly hostile. This planet has been at war, Doctor."
"War?" the Doctor asked. "Really? I thought I'd have noticed a full scale war. Like the Cyberman invasion? Or the Dalek Civil war on the streets in Britain? Maybe?"
Everyone in the room glanced at each other with uncertainty. "Oh...look at you," The Doctor said suddenly cheerfully, as though he were enamored with everyone in the room. "So...American. Big guns, gung-ho military, involved in what you think is a war on an interplanetary level, and yet totally unaware of what's going on outside your own national borders. Only thing we're missing is a Big Mac. So tell me, who are you fighting this big bad war against that for whatever reason can't find a way to step on you like an insect without requiring some form of intergalactic intervention?"
"A race of parasitical beings. We began hostilities after they destroyed an extraterrestrial human village and began enslaving an entire population," Daniel said.
The Doctor paused. "Okay, maybe that's enough to get them angry, but most alien civilizations are perfectly rational, they have to be in order to work together and progress technologically far enough to reach the stars. Surely there's time to defuse the situation. I've acted as a mediator before. You need to understand that this planet is protected under the Shadow Proclamation, but it won't be if you keep provoking them. Surely what you did can be undone."
"We...sort of kicked off hostilities when we blew up their God with a thermonuclear device, along with his ship. And that was years ago. We haven't really looked back," O'Neill said, then shooting a glance at Teal'c "and haven't considered slowing down, either."
The Doctor paused. "Oh." Then he paused again. Everyone leaned forward: "Oh..." the Doctor said again. "I see... that... actually might very well kick off a war. And yes, that would remove the protections afforded to this planet under the Shadow Proclamation..."
"That's the second time you have mentioned the Shadow Proclamation, Doctor. What is it?" General Hammond asked.
"Well, sort of irrelevant now, that's what it is. When you went out and started attacking other planets, you made it null and void. Think of the protections afforded the wilderness- you can't just go burning the forest down because you want to put a farm there. That's the protection that the Shadow Proclamation affords you. It keeps bulldozers at bay from just taking the planet, razing it, and using it for their own purposes."
"We're not exactly wilderness," Carter said. "We've got space flight."
"Compared to the rest of the universe? Ha!" The Doctor laughed. "So you've discovered the equivalent of spears in today's day and age. Imagine if the indigenous peoples of the forest started attacking your cities from the forest. What do you think would happen to the forest? Do you think the denizens would particularly care about what any regulatory body would say if those native people came rampaging through the downtown district?" There was a pause in the room. "I've been busy you know. Moreso these past few years than EVER before. And when I mention the Shadow Proclamation and how it pertains to this planet, they don't listen anymore. And now I know why."
"Busy?" O'Neill asked. "Who are you, and what do you do?"
"I'm The Doctor, I protect this Earth and its people." Then The Doctor sat back in his chair, and pressed his fingertips together. "And I'm very tired, you know. All this running around. I'm over a thousand years old! Not that that's old, mind you, just... look, this war isn't that serious, it can't be, I'd have noticed, no matter how busy you've made me. Things are escalating well beyond what you're aware. The whole world is fighting aliens now, all over the place, and not just the ones you kicked the war off with. Earth isn't ready to fend for itself against all these races. If we broker a peace-"
"Not possible."
"But you don't understand, if you initiated it, then it's up to you to try and reinstate peace under the Shadow Proclamation. Even if you fail, you still are displaying an effort that these other races can't ignore. They can't continue to invade this planet on the basis of your continued aggression, even if your war continues."
"They won't go for a peace settlement, Doctor. Not now. We have sewn insurrection within their slave ranks, we have freed millions, perhaps billions from the yoke of their false godhood," Teal'c spoke firmly. "I will not allow for a peace to settle, not while any of these false gods stand. The Goa'uld will not look past our efforts to unseat them."
"Have you even tried? It's not for yourselves, it's for this planet. All we need to do is meet, a diplomatic envoy from the aggressors will cease the invasions from the other beings in this galaxy. Even if it fails, the planet would be safe."
"We have not tried," Hammond said. "We are protected, however, under a new treaty brokered with another Alien race, which is offering this planet their protection from this enemy race. When we are off-world, we are afforded no such protection."
"Yes, this new protector is protecting you from the Goa'uld you're warring with, but not from any other. Interesting. That does explain why I haven't noticed this war. It's all happening offworld."
"You propose an alternative?"
"Well, if you give this a go, it doesn't even have to be an honest attempt, you will be protected from the other Alien threats facing this planet once again. Granted, your conflict may continue, and your present treaty should keep Earth safe, but it will make my life a lot easier, and make this planet safer. I suppose the aliens you're warring with knew what was happening, and that's why they've agreed to a peace with you in the meantime. They don't have to move against you, they are going to let other aliens move in and flatten the planet."
Hammond sat back. He had that look on his face- the look that O'Neill hated. The look that Hammond reserved for a mission that O'Neill was going to hate. The look that said 'I'm-going-to-tell-you-to-do-something-you-don't-want-to.' "General," O'Neill said. "Tell me we're not going to go meet the snakes."
"Oh we're going to meet the Snakes, Colonel. And I do mean we, Doctor, and you as well, Rory."
"Hold on now, I've stayed good and quiet! What about my wife!?" Rory exclaimed.
"We'll see about finding your wife, Rory. The Universe tends to be smaller than you think. Odds are she went into that wormhole. She may not have emerged on this side. We will send an expedition to the planet we just visited and do our best to find her. After we return, if this meeting goes as it should, then we will continue the search. Does that sound fair?"
"No, how about you let us go?" Rory asked.
"...or I could just have you locked away for the rest of your life, in which case you get nothing."
"What's the name of this Planet we're visiting?" The Doctor asked, before Rory could continue.
"Oh, a neutral planet we call P3X-1194."
"No, really, what's it called?"
Jack looked around the room "Well, I like to call it "The Boring Planet."
