Notes:
Ahhh!! We were gonna post this in honor of Hotohori's birthday, but we forgot, so most of you won't see it until tomorrow. L But it's still April Second right now, so HA!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! :P :P :P :P **ahem** Anyway…here ya go.WRITTEN IN THE STARS
Chapter Two
Part One
~*~Saihitei~*~
He didn't protest. He was either too shocked, too tired, or too frightened, but at the time, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I got him somewhere safe and warm, off the street, away from where anyone could try to hurt him again.
I couldn't take him to his own room, as much as I would have liked to, for it would have been comforting. I remembered the overbearing security of the place from a few weeks earlier, when I had come by to meet he…him before one of our writing sessions: in order to gain access to the building, I would have to 1)find Ryuuen's ID card for swiping at the door, and 2) pray that whoever was on duty would actually allow a young man such as myself to carry a nearly-unconscious, drugged-looking girl back to her bedroom. My chances were decidedly slim, and therefore, the only thing I could do was to take him back to my own apartment, despite the greater distance involved.
When I stepped out of the alley, I was not quite surprised to see that Ryuuen's friend had gone. There was a slight stab of worry in my heart—will she be all right? Can she make it home safely on her own? What if someone else comes after her?—but in truth, both of the girls at…both of the…both of them at once would have been too much for me to handle. I would just have to trust that she could take care of herself, because as cruel and selfish as it was, she wasn't my problem at the moment.
The bus would have been inconvenient, going around and out of the way when all I wanted was to get home as quickly as possible. So I began walking briskly, hoping I would not draw too much attention to us.
Then again, it was Friday night on a college campus, after all. Stranger things had happened, and were probably happening.
After I had lifted him up, Ryuuen had been nearly rigid. But now, he had relaxed, and I saw that he had either passed out or fallen asleep. I gathered him closer almost without thinking about it, lacing his arms around my neck and moving his body so that we were chest to chest, his legs on either side of me, like a child; despite the fact that he weighed very little, it was much easier this way.
The slight but chilly wind bit across my face, but I barely felt the cold. The questions that had popped into my mind just minutes ago tried to resurface now that the immediate danger had been dealt with, but I had no more answer to them now than I did then, and no time to spare worrying about them. The only thing I needed to focus on was Ryuuen's safety, which did not, at this moment, include delving into his psyche.
I couldn't explain this sudden protective feeling I had toward him… Well, maybe I could, at that. Seeing him there, surrounded by those awful drunken louts, shirt torn…
If I hadn't come, they would have killed him. They would have killed him.
My mind settled on that one thought, replaying it over and over again, and by the time I finally reached my own doorstep, I was clutching Ryuuen so tightly that he might have gasped, had he been awake. His head had fallen to my shoulder, facing the middle of my chest and pressing against my neck, a few strands of violet hair crossing his delicate features…
It was just so strange, trying to reconcile his appearance with his newly-discovered gender. But I knew what I had seen.
I somehow managed to hold him with only one arm beneath him, reaching for my key and then turning it in the lock. Once inside, I instinctively moved to the bedroom to relieve myself of my burden, then realized the implications of such a thing and froze in my tracks.
Wait, wait… He was nearly assaulted, and you're going to set him in a strange bed?
Turning sharply, I took a step toward the couch. It was a very comfortable couch, and…
WHAT?! How is a couch any better than a bed? A couch would symbolize a quick fling, whereas a bed at least indicates SOME level of commitment!!
WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD AM I TALKING ABOUT???!! Saihitei. Please get a grip on yourself. You must put him SOMEWHERE.
After what had happened, though, I didn't want to leave Ryuuen in any sort of panic-inspiring position, especially since he'd never been in my apartment before, and probably would not know where he was when he awoke. A few moments of frantic decision-making later, I decided to give him the bed, but left the lights on and the door wide open. I set myself on the couch where I would be visible from the doorway of the bedroom, and flipped on the television, though I could not focus on anything besides the events in the alley.
He has a symbol. "Yanagi." It's real; he is a seishi!
And a voice in my head informed me, in a regal whisper, of this second seishi's name:
Nuriko.
~*~Ryuuen~*~
My eyes opened to an unfamiliar ceiling, and for at least a half a second, I couldn't remember anything but that I was warm, my head hurt, and someone was humming softly nearby. I could hear the familiar static buzz of a television in room that wasn't this one, but it must've been muted, because that was all I heard…except for the humming. It was a low, mournful tune that sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn't pinpoint what it was any more than I could identify who was singing it.
And, then, I drew a deep breath, realizing as I did so that my cheek was swollen and my shirt was torn and my body felt like it'd been through the equivalent of the Boston Marathon…and, it all came flooding back.
Steph. The party. Pete and…and Dave. The alley…
I squeezed my eyes shut in sudden memory, turning onto my side and drawing my legs to my chest. The sheets rustled beneath me, clean and smooth and soft, and I knew with an instant kind of dread just where I was and who had brought me here. My thoughts were moving too quickly for me to fasten on any one in particular, so I wrapped my arms around my bent legs and tucked my chin down onto my knees and tried to sleep again, because at least if I was sleeping then I wouldn't have to deal with what was going to happen when Saihitei realized that I was awake. I wouldn't have to deal with the inevitable shock and questions and disgust and hatr—
…no.
My thoughts broke off, crumbled down like pieces of shattered glass. No. No, somehow…somehow, I knew that there would be no disgust. There would be no hatred. He might look at me differently now, might be confused…but, he wouldn't hate me. For a minute, I laid there, still and barely breathing, and tried to focus on just why I knew that that was true; enough possible answers sprang up immediately that I was able to relax at least a little, lying there curled up and warm beneath a pile of blankets that weren't my own.
He carried me. I…I remember. He carried me. And, before that, he…he saw me, but he saved me, anyway. If not for him, I'd be dead right now, wouldn't I?
Besides, we...match.
Suddenly remembering, I opened my eyes and clutched almost frantically at the torn flap of my shirt, tugged it down and stared…but, there was nothing there. The skin was smooth and unbroken, and even though I could see the bruises forming there from where Dave had grabbed me roughly, there was nothing else there. No weird red light, no glowing Chinese symbol. Had it…had it been a dream?
How can you tell? All of this feels like a dream.
No. No, not a dream. A nightmare.
I want to wake up.
I didn't mean to, I really didn't, but…I started to cry. For a few seconds I tried to force myself to stop, pressing my face into the pillow case and closing my eyes and holding my breath, but it didn't help; all it did was make the inevitable sobbing breath louder when it finally came.
Idiot
, I hissed inwardly. What's the point in crying? It's not helping anything, is it? Do you think it's gonna make things better somehow? There's no point! It's not going to help anything!But, I…I couldn't stop.
Finally, I had to give in to the tears; they were suffocating me, crawling slowly up through my throat and tearing at my lungs. They were…painful. So, I gave in. I rolled over onto my stomach, buried my face in the pillow to at least partially muffle the sound of my tears, and cried. My fingers clutched at the pillow case, folding tiny wrinkles into the fabric, and low, anguished sobs sprang from my throat, slid into the pillow and vanished; my face was wet, and my nose was already getting stuffy… Damn it, I hated crying! It never helped, and all it did was leave me feeling weak and drained and miserable…
Why are you even crying? You're safe now. You're not dead. Isn't that a good thing? Shouldn't you be happy?
I let out another harsh sob, my entire body shaking beneath the blankets.
Idiot. You can't reason with tears.
And, then there was the sound of rustling cloth and the whisper of socks against the carpeting, and I knew that I wasn't alone anymore.
~*~Saihitei~*~
I hadn't even realized I'd been humming until I stopped.
I'd heard him. That's what awakened me from my pensive trance. I heard him…and it sounded like…
Quickly, I rose, made my way to the open door of my bedroom. My heart caught in my throat at the small sound I had heard, and I hoped to whatever god had chosen me that I was wrong, that he wasn't crying, after all. I didn't know what I would do if he was, the situation being more than a little awkward. But when I came to stand in the doorway, I found that my hopes were useless, and I wanted to cry myself.
His small body was outlined by the sable down quilt of my bed, the one I had bought because it looked respectable and bland, just like me. He was clutching the pillow with trembling arms, trying to quiet himself…and I stood there and watched him in agony, mirroring his anguish with my own.
What the hell do I do?? I don't want to touch him. No, that's a lie. I DO want to touch him. There is nothing I want more than to go to him and…
And what? And what, Saihitei? Hotohori? Whoever you are? Have your feelings toward him changed so much now that you've seen his chest, or lack thereof? Are you really that shallow, to love based on gender alone?
So I was shallow. But the truth was, my heart ached in a way in which it had never ached before. All I wanted was to stop his tears, to banish whatever made him so unhappy. It wasn't just what had happened in the alley; there was more to his story, much more, but I didn't have a clue how to go about finding out tactfully. My impulse was to simply stop the immediate sorrow, to hold him like a child and let him cry, tell him that it was all right, that whatever had happened, he was safe now.
But I couldn't. Somehow, I couldn't.
Dumbly, I made my way to the side of the bed, nearly stumbling in my stupor. An attempt to raise my arm, to reach out to him, lying there so sad and small and helpless, soon failed; my fist curled up against my chest as I stared at him, the most useless hero in the history of the world. So I had saved him from his attackers, from physical harm. But as far as mental and emotional turmoil went…I didn't know where to begin. All I knew was that my heart would split in two if he kept on crying like this.
…My…heart…
It was strange…it was so strange. I had never felt…
…
My mind trailed off into oblivion, and before I could gather my thoughts together once more, he had stiffened suddenly, the heartbreaking sobbing ceased…and I knew he was aware of my presence.
I should say something.
I opened my mouth to do just that, and instead of something comforting and reassuring, what came out was: "I…will get a sweatshirt for you to wear. You must be cold."
Brilliant. A real humanitarian feat.
I physically winced as I headed toward my chest of drawers, my back turned to him. The gray sweat outfit I found would be several sizes too large for Ryuuen, but it was warm, and it was clean, and I did not believe that offering him actual pajamas would do anything to detract from the present level of awkwardness.
Bracing my shoulders, clearing my throat to break the silence that had cut through the room, I whirled around with what I hoped was an unthreatening smile, to see that he had, in fact, turned, and was now facing me. He held the quilt to his chest protectively, large, damp eyes staring up at me with something akin to hesitant curiosity; his long hair pooled onto the pure white sheets beneath him, shining despite the tangles, a few strands of his bangs hanging unnoticed over his face, nearly obscuring the bruise he had received.
He was…beautiful.
In order to avoid standing there speechless again like an impeccably attractive village idiot, I forced myself to take a few quick steps forward and set the clothing on the bed in front of him. Instinctively, I suppose, I was ignoring everything that had happened earlier in favor of making Ryuuen feel more at ease. I'm not certain if this tactic was at all mentally healthy, but it was the only thing I could think of.
"There's the bathroom, right over there…" I pointed to the door. "There should be an extra toothbrush—a new one, I mean—in the middle drawer, and the towels on the racks are all clean, if you'd like to take a shower or a bath or something…um, well. I'll be out on the couch if you need me. If you need anything, that is…don't hesitate to ask." I widened my smile and he blinked his eyes slowly, long, dark lashes brushing against his pale cheeks. Privacy, I figured, was probably desirable for the poor boy at the moment, so I gave him a nod and headed toward the door.
"S…Saihi…"
It was just a little voice, choked and rough with recent tears, pained and weak. But it made me stop in my tracks and face him once more, wondering that my heart had started beating faster than usual. Ryuuen was now sitting upright, looking even smaller than he was alone in the huge bed, the blankets still pulled around him so that little below the tops of his shoulders was visible. With the air of a lost child, he took a tentative, hasty, nervous glance around the room before returning his gaze to me. His eyes flickered away after only a few seconds, as if he was surprised that our eyes had met at all, and a faint, endearing blush spread across his cheeks.
"Umm…" he whispered, and clutched the blanket closer. "Th…Thank you."
I smiled, the inside of my chest swelling abnormally. "You're welcome," I said, and left the room, quietly closing the door behind me.
And it was then that I realized I had loved him all along.
~*~Ryuuen~*~
For the first few moments, I ignored him, because honestly, there wasn't much more I could do. I didn't cry all that often, and so when I did let that wall drop, all the pent-up emotions came rushing out like the bloody Johnstown Flood, or something. But, really, I didn't think he'd actually come into the room, and I thought even less that he would come and stand behind me, motionless, and just stare at me…
There was the rustle of cloth—he…he wasn't reaching down to touch me, was he?
My body stiffened before my mind had entirely caught up, and that seemed to give me a little handhold to drag myself up out of this pit of tears—I drew in a deep breath, too, which helped settle my emotions even more. I was still feeling sick and drained and miserable, exhausted from crying even for such a short time, but at least the tears themselves had stopped. And, too, the rustling of cloth from behind me had stopped. He wasn't going to try to touch me, then. He wasn't going to try to comfort me, to hold me close and let me cry into his shoulder until I fell asl…
Ryuuen.
Get a grip.
He doesn't think you're a girl anymore, remember? Maybe he was reaching down to flick you on the back of the head or something, for being such a moron and getting his sheets all snotty.
And…what're you thinking, anyway?? You don't –want- him to touch you, remember?? It makes you feel –uncomfortable!- Try to remember that, would you??
I heaved a little sigh into the pillow, preparing to push myself up into some kind of sitting position—it was going to be unpleasant, but I was sure he was going to want to discuss what had happened, and then, I was certain, would come the inevitable, "Hey, so, what the hell're you doing dressing like a girl, anyway?" question. But…but, it was okay. All I needed was a shirt to put on over this one, to cover up…
(he ripped it and god they all saw me they all saw me)
…and, then, I would be able to thank him for his kindness, apologize for vandalizing his pillow cases, and get back to my dorm where I could cry without worrying about being interrupted.
I'm not ready to talk about this… God, it's been how many years, and I'm –still- not ready? Pathetic, Ryuuen. Really. But, still. I…I will if I have to. I owe him at least that much, don't I? If it weren't for him, I'd be dead.
I guess that means my life belongs to him in a twisted kind of way, doesn't it?
Just as I was bracing myself to field whatever questions he might have, he said, "I'll…get a sweatshirt for you to wear. You must be cold."
I was so stunned that, despite the fact that I'd managed to collect myself again, I couldn't find the strength to speak.
A sweatshirt?? A SWEATSHIRT??? We were glowing, I'm really a guy, and you're talking about getting me a –sweatshirt??-
And then, right on the tail of the shock and the confusion, came the relief, and the gratitude…but, also, the shame.
He doesn't want to talk about it, does he?
Well, why the hell should he?? Why should he care about the reasons why? Why should he even –want- to know? Think about it, Ryuuen. If you were in his shoes, wouldn't you want to forget this ever happened, too? Pretend everything's okay? Pretend you're still a girl??
I sat up, drew the quilt up over my chest and leaned my back against the headboard. He wasn't looking at me, was digging through one of the dresser drawers with quick, almost-shaky movements. He turned to face me a moment later, a huge grey sweatshirt in his hand and a painfully-fake smile on his lips—you think you can fool me? I am the master of fake smiles, thank you very much.
I noticed the change in his eyes when he saw me, though, and it confused me. I'd expected some sort of reaction, of course, but…but, what was that? What was that in his eyes? It only lasted for maybe a half a second before he started telling me where everything was in the house, but my mind dwelled on it even while I tried to pay attention to the rest of what he was saying.
It had just been for a second—just an instant, but…but, for that instant…
I shook my head, forced the thought out of my head. Silly. Silly, silly, stupid Ryuuen…
"If you need anything, that is…don't hesitate to ask," he concluded. And, then, he was moving towards the door, and I knew that he was leaving m0e alone…
"S…Saihi…"
My eyes went wide. I…I hadn't meant to speak, and I certainly hadn't meant to call his name, for God's sake… But, now, he was turning back to face me and in a moment he was going to be looking at me again and…ahhhhhh…!
I averted my eyes as quickly as humanly possible, afraid for some reason of that moment of eye contact, and glanced around the room once before cautiously returning my gaze to him. "Umm…" I managed.
Off to a great start, there..but, now what??
"Th…Thank you," I whispered.
And, he…smiled at me. "You're welcome."
He left, then, the smile still lingering on his lips, and for a long moment, I couldn't do much more than just sit there, feeling stunned and breathless, and stare at the closed door.
Was it just my writer's imagination getting carried away again, or…or did he…?
Ohhhhh, shut up and listen to yourself! You were just almost assaulted and murdered, -three- people know that you're not really a girl, and you were GLOWING FROM YOUR CHEST! How can you even be thinking about something like this when all that just happened? What, are you in shock? Are you in shock??
I closed my eyes, leaned my head back against the wall and let out a soft breath.
No. No.
I'm…I'm safe. I'm safe here, somehow. I can't explain it, but…I'm safe.
I got up, then, crawled over the quilt and grabbed the sweatshirt. It was way too big for me, of course, but as I didn't seem to have any other options, I pulled it on…and, it…it smelled like him—like Saihitei. I closed my eyes, wrapping my arms around myself and drawing in a deep breath.
Sitting here like this, I could almost pretend that…
Stop it. Stop it, right now.
Look, you're tired and you've been through a lot. Go to sleep. You're not thinking straight.
I knew it was true, and so I crawled back to the head of the bed, slipped my feet beneath the warmth of the quilt, and settled in to try to sleep. As I drifted off, I couldn't help but wonder how it would feel…to be held.
~*~
