We were about to read our Playboy magazines, until that damn siren ruined it all...
[Police sirens blare]
Wex: Aw, shit! Cheese it, the feds!
I took another piece of cake and walked over it, while Moe dropped the cigar out of his mouth and Vector's Playboy magazine got tossed onto a nearby puddle as we run for our very lives. But I had a plan: split the group, save everyone...
Wex: Let's split up! See you guys on the other side!
Gwenie: Alright, bye!
Vector left with Perry and Gwenie one way, Lenny, Carl and Moe took another way, while me and Homer took a very different path...
Wex: [pointing to a direction] This way, Homer!
Then we ran to some kind of "back door" to an aquatic theater...
[Homer panting heavily]
Homer: I can't run too fast after eating that Mickey-D Burger, Uhhh!
Wex: Go, go, go, Homie!
Homer: Yeah, I'ma coming...
Wex: Come on, come on, come on, go! Quick! Go, quick, quick, quick, move!
I got in through the plywood fence no problem, but Homer had a helluva time trying to squeeze through it, but miraculously, he made it just in time as the cop car passed by. I then kick an empty glass bottle of Coke in victory...
Wex: Down here...
Then it started to thunder out and probably was about to rain. We had no choice, we had to enter this one room...
Wex: Here [opens sliding door] OK, shut it, quick, quick quick, quick!
[the door shuts, a beeper goes off]
Wex: [trips over something] Ah, shit! [turns on the light]
So I turn on the light and I see a bunch of stuff you see in some janitorial pantry: Krylon spray paint, mops, brooms, the whole freaking nine yards...
Homer: [eyeing on the Krylon spray paint] Oh, glory of glories! Oh Heavenly testament to the enternal majesty of God's creation!
Wex: Check it out, man! [grabs two cans] So, Homie, whatcha think? Start spraying?
Both Wex and Homer: Start spraying!
Then Homer started spraying to the rhythym of Lynard Skynard's "Free Bird" while I started spraying to the rhythym of Snap's "The Power". It was perfect...
[Homer opens the door]
Homer [spraying to the rhythym of Lynard Skynard's Free Bird]: I'M FREE AS A BIRD NOW, AND IN THIS BIRD YOU CANNOT CHANGE...
Meanwhile I stopped doing Snap's "The Power" and started spraying to the rhythym of Prince's "Diamonds and Pearls".
Wex: [spraying] This will be the day, [shakes the can, then sprays] that you will hear me say, [sprays again] that I will never run away. [shakes the can, sprays another round] I am here for you, [sprays again] love is meant for two, [shakes the can, goes for another round] so tell me what you're gonna do. [shakes the can again, then stops]
Then I heard some weird popping and teeth gridning noises. At first I thought it was Homer just shaking his can of Krylon, so I went back into my business...
Wex: [sprays again] If I gave you diamonds and pearls, [sprays again] would you be a happy boy or a girl, [stops spraying for a moment, then gets back in] if I could I would give you the world, [sprays one last round] 'cause all I can do is just offer you my love...
Then those grinding noises got louder and more creepy, but I still thought it was Homer...
Wex: Homie, is that you, man? [waiting for moment] Homie, if this is a joke, it's not funny... [waits again] Homer?
Then some lightning flashed and saw a sea creature open it's mouth and teeth to scare the living daylights out of me...
Wex: HOLY SHITBALLS OF FIRE!
So then I ran, ran like my life depended on it, which it did! But then a funny thing happened: I was no longer scared shitless, I was...intrigued by the sea creature in that observation room...
Wex: What the hell is that?
So then I walked around a little bit, until I got a better look of that creature...
Wex: Cool!
The creature was of a beautiful sight. And I stood there being transfixed for what seemed like forever, but it was probably nearer 45 seconds to a minute. Then there was something I didn't expect...
Homer: WEX, CHEESE IT, IT'S THE FEDS! [Homer yells out in pain]
I was about to run back up a pair of stairs but the feds were right on my ass...
Cop: There he is! Hold it, Wex!
I trip over a trash can, but that didn't really stop me any...
Cop: He fell onto a trash can!
Now I head outside and it's a freaking downpour with thunder and lightning and the whole nine yards, but I had an idea...
Cop #2: Hey, Wex!
Wex: Wait, I got a better idea! [goes near a cop car, nearly opens the door] Let's go to IHOP, I'm driving!
Then they smack me on the ground, litteraly!
Wex: OK, OK, Burger King, whatever!
Cop: Relax, calm down.
Wex: What the hell, man? I am calm! It's not like I'm falling through freaking quicksand, dude!
Then I saw a Native American standing there looking at me...
Wex: What do you want?
Interviewer [in the background]: Now Mr. Mercer, you were the social worker for Wex when he was in this crisis, is that right?
Dwight Mercer: Yeah, I was!
Interviewer [in the background]: And you were trying to find him a place to stay at until he and his friends got back on their feet?
Dwight: Yeah! He was roaming the streets for a place to make his comeback bare fruit, but he knew that the only way to make a comeback is to live with some good people. And that's where I came in.
"Chief" Wiggum: Catching Wex was, to put it plainly, very strange... My other two officers wouldn't let me pursue them, but when I got back to Central, the Head Chief didn't fire us or anything like I expected. As a matter of fact, he congratulated me for getting him off the streets that day. Then afterwards, I handed him to Dwight and we went back to our humble cop's duities, you know...
We now shift to the Police Station in the North West Adventure Park District, where I get talked to by Dwight. Homer was sent on probation to stay with rock groupies. Now I get talked to...
Dwight: Breaking and entering, malicious mischief, vandalism, resisting arrest...anything else happened to you I should know about, Wex?
Wex: Yeah, I robbed a couple of banks. Is that such a big problem?
Dwight: Well, I'm glad you were only out there for three days, son! Sit down.
Wex: Aw, did you miss me that bad?
Dwight: Does Perry Swearnigan with you know this number?
Wex: Who the hell is he?
Dwight: Hey, don't play! Don't come in here being a butthead! Now, I hate telephones. And I spent 45 minutes on a conference call with the Urban Playgrounds Police Dept. and that Adventure Park trying to keep you clean, son! You know what, count yourself lucky this time: I kept your little ass out of court! You have to clean up the mess you guys made at North West Adventure Park-
I tried to interject but got shot down...
Dwight: Ah-ah-ah-ah, that's your probation. You got a problem with that?
Wex: Yeah, I don't know why I have to clean up after a bunch of Sea World imitators, come on?
Dwight: You know, I don't know why I fool around with you guys in the first place! And I don't know why I'm working so much overtime with you, Wex. But if you split again here, then I'm out of the picture [waves his palm and whooshes], gone! You'll be in Halfway Authority, court-supervised and controlled! They'll put in a halfway house, that means a lock-up in Shady Acres, son.
Believe you me, the thought scared the hell out of me, but I still wanted to rebel...
Dwight: OK, look... Your placement's still on, Cammy and Ford are OK. They don't even give a rat's ass about this incident!
Wex: What's up with them?
Dwight: Oh, I see. Just because that Cammy and Ford want you in their boarding house, there's got to be something wrong with them, am I right?
Wex: Well, then what do you think?
Dwight: I think that despite the fact that you're 18, you still might be young enough so you get some chances... Not an infinite number of chances, but a few. A few, son! You get it?
Wex: Yeah.
I had the take that chance of going to Cammy and Ford's boarding house, I had to save my ass from going to that halfway house...
Dwight: OK, you got any questions about, uh, any of this?
Wex: You hear from Deep Space Nine?
Dwight: You still wanna hear from Deep Space Nine?
Wex: I just want to know if they have any job openings?
He paused for a moment...
Dwight: Nobody's heard from Deep Space Nine in over 6 months, Wex. I'm sorry.
Wex: Damn! [smacks the desk]
