Title: His Solitude
Rating: M (for adult themes)
Characters: Renji/Ichigo
Chapter: 4 of 10
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
Warning: Spoiler warning. Follows manga canon until chapter 338.
CHAPTER FOUR
Just as the sun appeared above the horizon, Ichigo returned to his apartment, breathing hard and glistening with sweat. Renji realized the he must have been out running. He entered his apartment, but it was only a short time before he emerged again. He wore the kind of clothes Renji saw people wearing who were doing road repairs or heavy construction.
Renji carefully followed him, taking great precautions to stay far back so he would not accidentally be spotted. He suspected he may have been overcautious, however; Ichigo never so much as looked behind him.
At one point, they passed the soul of a young girl who appeared to be no older than thirteen or fourteen years old. She cried out for help, and tried to grab at people passing by her, tears rolling down her cheeks.
Though he pitied the girl, he turned his full attention to Ichigo, wondering how he was going to react to her. Yet Ichigo did not break his stride, or even alter his path to avoid getting near her. He walked within a few feet of her without any acknowledgment.
Renji would have preferred to perform a soul burial, but Ichigo would have instantly realized he was there if he released even the tiniest bit of reiatsu. He hoped that the Shinigami assigned to the area would find the girl soon.
As he walked past her, he stole a quick glance at the face of the crying girl, and instantly regretted that he had. Though they were hardly identical, this girl bore a strong resemblance to Rukia. The shape of her face was a bit rounder, her eyes were a bit closer together, and she was a little bit taller, but her hair was cut in the same style that Rukia had always worn, and the girl's eyes were the same vibrant blue. Renji shuddered and quickened his pace, averting his gaze from the girl back to Ichigo.
For a moment, he thought he saw Ichigo shudder as well, but he quickly decided it was his imagination. Ichigo had shown no reaction to the girl.
Anger bubbled within him. It seemed that Ichigo had cast aside all the memories of his past, and it made him bitter and resentful that Ichigo could just let go of everything.
However, the wave of anger quickly passed as Renji recalled how he had slowly recovered from the melancholy he felt about Rukia's death. Somehow, he had managed to find a semblance of peace with her death, even when Ichigo could still barely find a way to face each day. Maybe now, Ichigo had found his own peace—but if it was at the price of forgetting everything, it was too much, Renji thought bitterly.
* * * * *
So little time had passed since Rukia's death, and yet the misery of it seemed like it had stretched on endlessly. Despite the preparation and planning Renji had to attend to, and the fast-paced buzz of Soul Society as everyone prepared for impending battles, Renji was unable to simply bury her memory within him.
He tried to stop thinking about her, but just when he thought he was over the grieving process, a wave of anguish would hit him. Each time, the crippling reality of her death stopped him dead in his tracks, and it took all of his self control to keep himself functioning, so that no one else would realize his inner agony.
Finally, he realized that pretending to forget was ineffective. Instead, he decided he had to face her memory so he could try to move on. He started to focus on thinking about her, about who she was, truly. He considered what really made her do the things she did, make the decisions that she made... Rukia had witnessed the murder of Ichigo's sisters, and though she knew could no longer protect them, she engaged in battle with Aizen.
Although the waves of grief he felt imagining these difficult topics were unbearable, they also made him feel even more endeared toward Rukia. Without hesitation, and knowing that she would lose, she sacrificed herself when people who were dear to her were felled at the blade of a madman.
Rukia was the kind of person who would sacrifice herself for someone she cared about—maybe even for a stranger. Though she knew she was not saving Ichigo's sisters, her sacrifice was made out of love and loyalty.
She had chosen her way of life as a Shinigami, knowing that it was a dangerous one. Surely she did not regret the way she met her end—even if Renji regretted it each and every minute of every day.
Bearing this in mind, Renji found himself being able to cope with her death more easily than before. Though the grief still weighed heavily on his heart, it gave him a semblance of peace.
While visiting her grave one day, Renji was surprised to see Ichigo was already there. He knelt in front of her final resting place, hunched over with his face buried in his hands. Though Renji did not hear the sound of sobs in the quiet graveyard, Ichigo's shoulders shook violently.
Renji kept a safe distance, not wanting Ichigo to notice him. Several minutes passed, and there was no change in Ichigo's condition. Renji briefly considered approaching him to see if he was okay, and started to take a few steps toward him… But he stopped, thinking better of it, and kept out of sight.
Ichigo has been sinking into a deeper depression with each passing day, and Renji had no idea how to help him out of that wretched state. Even if Renji knew a way to help him, he wasn't sure if he was the right person to support someone going through so much suffering—or if he even wanted to be the person who Ichigo leaned on.
The grief crept up on his heart again, as he suspected that Rukia would have been that person for Ichigo if she had been there. She would have helped him through the grief of losing his family. An unprecedented mix of tormenting emotions tore at Renji's heart.
He clutched at his chest, willing his body to relax, to not succumb to the grief. Yet he knew why it bothered him so badly. He had always wanted Rukia to be that person to him, the person on whom he could rely in his moments of need; and likewise, the person she could equally rely on. Yet it seemed that Rukia and Ichigo had shared an even greater bond together than the two of them had, despite their time together being so much shorter.
A lesser source of frustration was also that once again, he did not know how to deal with a situation that Rukia would have adeptly handled without hesitation. He had no idea what to do for Ichigo, but if Rukia had been there, she would surely have been able to make Ichigo stand tall again.
Renji watched him in silence, keeping his distance, until finally he decided he should leave. He walked away, only stealing a quick glance back at Ichigo, who was still hunched over and sobbing, with his hands tightly clenched over his mouth to keep any sound from escaping his lips.
* * * * *
Renji realized he felt like he was in the same situation once again; watching Ichigo from a distance, wondering if he should approach him or leave him alone.
A few subtle differences distinguished his old memory from the present, however. For one, this time Ichigo had taken extreme measures to ensure that no one would try to help him. Additionally, this present day Ichigo was devoid of any signs of suffering and anguish, and seemed to be plodding along in his new life with no worries.
The day he left Ichigo alone by Rukia's grave was the last time he abandoned him when he was in a wretched state, Renji remembered.
Despite his initial hesitation, Renji became the only person who Ichigo leaned on as he shut everyone else out. With Rukia, his father, and his sisters gone, he pushed everyone else from Karakura Town out of his life, despite their numerous attempts to see him.
He forced himself to train vigorously, until his physical exhaustion was on par with his constant mental exhaustion, rarely taking a moment to relax. Renji was fairly certain the only time Ichigo did anything besides train, eat and sleep was that day he visited Rukia's grave, and the nights they spent alone together…
Renji felt the hair of the nape of his neck raise, as he swore he could feel someone's hot breath on his neck. He frantically turned from side to side, wondering who it could be, but no one was there. He closed his eyes tightly, realizing it was just the remnant of another poignant flashback. He did not want to remember those times right now, or how those nights began.
* * * * *
The barracks for Section X were located far on the outskirts of the Seireitei, in an old structure that had been out of use for many decades. There was one private room, a long hall with a dozen beds, and a large equipment closet. As soon as Renji saw the layout of the barrack, he was apprehensive about the close quarters. Renji was assigned the private room due to his rank, but he had been hoping Ichigo would also have private quarters.
Ichigo had been staying at the Fourth Division so that he could be observed by Fourth Division medical staff. His injuries were healed, but Renji had not been the only person concerned for Ichigo's mental state. Hanataro Yamada had been keeping a particularly close watch on him, and when he learned that Ichigo was being assigned to a different area, he warned Renji that Ichigo had been having great difficulties sleeping.
"Every time he falls asleep, he wakes up soon afterwards from terrible nightmares. Sometimes he wakes up screaming or yelling; other times, he thrashes around until he wakes himself up," Hanataro informed him fervently. "I tried to see if I could relocate with him, since it's not too unusual to have people from the Fourth Division accompany other squads on training missions, but Captain Unohana said it was not appropriate for anyone from our division to go…" he trailed off.
Renji nodded slowly. Of course Hanataro knew nothing of what was happening--only the captains, lieutenants, and a few select people from the Department of Technology knew about Section X.
"I also heard that you'll be going with him," Hanataro said carefully. He looked up expectantly for an answer.
"Yeah, I am," Renji replied. That bit of information was no secret.
Hanataro squeezed his hands together nervously, fidgeting. "Well, Abarai-san, I know this is probably out of line for me to ask, but I must ask you… Please keep an eye on Kurosaki!" Before Renji could respond, Hanataro quickly started sputtering out an explanation. "I'm really concerned for him, and I don't think that he realizes just how out of control his nightmares are getting before he wakes up. Very few people know about it, and it might be hard for him if everyone knows what kind of trauma he's going through. He seems like he doesn't want anyone to know about his problems, and no matter how many times I've tried to talk to him, he just cuts me off and tells me he's fine…"
Renji barely listened to the string of excuses. He wasn't offended that Hanataro had asked him a favor, though it was obvious the timid man was worried that Renji would be angry at him. Instead, as Hanataro continued his animated monologue, Renji's mind drifted to Rukia.
Although he didn't want to make Ichigo's wellbeing his responsibility, Rukia would have done anything she could to help Ichigo through his time of need.
"Yeah, alright," he answered finally, interrupting Hanataro.
"You will?" He smiled brightly, the relief on his face obvious. "Oh, thank you, Abarai-san! I'm in your debt, truly."
Now, standing in what was going to be their residence for an indefinite period of time, Renji could tell that Ichigo sleeping in the communal area was going to cause tremendous problems. He entertained the idea of letting Ichigo have the private room, but because he was the lead commander of Section X, he had to observe propriety.
"Oi, Ichigo, I think we're gonna have to change a few things in here," Renji called out. He and Ichigo were the only ones there. The rest of the section would be brought over later.
"What are you talking about?" Ichigo scowled.
"It's because there's not any sort of an office in here," he lied. "We might need t' discuss things that the rest of our troops shouldn't hear, and th' only place to do that is in the private room. I think we should set it up t' be an office with two beds in there."
"That's a stupid idea," Ichigo scoffed. "I mean, the office, sure... But even if we need to talk about something, there's no reason why I can't just come out here and go to sleep when we're done."
"Listen, we need to look out for the soldiers under us. I don't want it to be a regular thing that you might wake some people up in the middle of the night. Even if you try to be quiet, let's face it, you're pretty damn noisy," Renji pointed out.
"What the hell are you talking about? You'll probably manage to wake everyone up even with your own room," he retorted.
Renji raised his fist and started to shout an angry reply, but he caught himself and bit his tongue, trying to calm his temper. "Look, I'm not saying we're gonna enjoy it, but I think it's what we need t' do. It's big enough in there for two beds an' some sorta desk or table we can both work at if we need to. I doubt we're going to have much paperwork with this gig, though."
Ichigo was silent for a moment. Finally, he nodded in response. "Fine. You better not be a pain in the ass, though."
Renji gnashed his teeth together. "Same to you."
The first night proved his idea to be the right one, however; Renji awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of thrashing sheets and strangled cries. He leapt out of bed, instinctively ready to fight back against some unknown danger, and immediately realized that the sound was coming from Ichigo's bed.
Renji was unsure of what to do. Hanataro had only told him to keep an eye on him… He hadn't mentioned how to help him. Ichigo cried out unintelligibly, the pitch of his voice slowly rising. Renji sat back down on his bed and watched him as he worked his way through the fit. Finally, he seemed to snap awake, and he pushed himself into a sitting position on the bed, panting.
Renji quickly returned to a horizontal position and feigned sleep. He kept stealing glances at Ichigo, but he was just sitting upright, staring blankly ahead. Finally, sleep started to overcome Renji and he nodded off. He woke up several more times, but there were no more cries… probably because it seemed Ichigo never returned to sleep.
Training began very roughly for Section X. As Captain Kuchiki had surmised, most of the members had been pulled from the Stealth Force, particularly from the Secret Remote Squad. Overall, Renji was very pleased with the fighting capabilities and temperaments of them all. There were a total of eight men, making their section ten in number.
The first few days mainly consisted of sparring and training exercises to conceal reiatsu. Most of the Shinigami were already adept at this task, and the rest of the members picked up quickly. The only person struggling was Ichigo.
Yet despite this obstacle, Renji felt fairly confident in Section X… Until the INA's arrived from the Department of Technology.
Captain Kuchiki has not been exaggerating when he said the device might be useless to some. Light and shadow were the only things visible through the filters, except for faint outlines of moving objects—though it was difficult to discern exactly what was moving.
"What the hell are we supposed to do with these things?" Ichigo spat, tearing the INA off his head and dangling it in front of him in disgust. "I feel like I'm going to cut someone's head off if I train wearin' this thing."
"If it's too hard for you, then just get th' hell outta here," Renji shot back, although deep down, he shared Ichigo's same frustration.
Still, the group had to push on, regardless of how discouraged they were by the uselessness of the INA's. Captain Kurotsuchi Mayuri said there would be an improved version, but gave no promises as to when. Renji had no idea when Section X would be put to use, so he forced everyone to press on.
Ichigo's agitation with the situation was apparent, but Renji noticed that he tried to bury it when the other members of the section could overhear him. Ichigo felt like the struggle was hopeless, but even in his deranged state he did not wish to bring others down. Only Renji heard the string of curses that often escaped his mouth during practice.
Yet Ichigo's increasing hopelessness during the day was nothing compared to the melancholy of his nights. Ichigo continued to wake up crying out and shaking every time he tried to sleep. Renji suspected he never got more than two or three hours of sleep a night, and probably would have gotten even less if he had not been physically exhausted from the intensive training.
The two men had just begun to push the limits of their physical abilities, and Renji knew Ichigo would not last long if his insomnia continued. Maybe it was this realization that made him reach out in a way he never thought he would…
