A/N: Now its Cartman's side of the story! Starting off, of course, in the same place as Stan…
Cartman's day
The day started pretty normally. Cartman was out with Stan, Kyle and Kenny on another moneymaking scheme, the one that works best with children their age, selling cookies door to door.
As successful as he had heard it normally is, Cartman was beginning to think that it only worked on girl scouts or children younger and cuter than them as they weren't getting many sales just violently shut doors, inches from their faces.
"This is pointless Cartman!" Kyle moaned as they walked away from yet another door that had slammed in their faces.
"We've not been out long enough Kahl!" Cartman said waddling angrily from the door. "Give it time!"
Once at the bottom of the garden Stan leant back against the garden fence of the house they had just been rejected from. Kenny and Kyle joined him rubbing their aching feet. Cartman however stayed standing, refusing to give in, and he looked around him for their next possible target.
Just as he was doing that he noticed something that made his eyes narrow and sharply turn back to the others and shush them with his finger against his lips. The three looked at him with confusion but remained silent and followed his concentrated gaze until it landed on a young boy and his mother knocking on the door of the house next to the one they were standing outside of.
The boy was younger than them but only by a few years and he had a beaming smile and soft brown hair and his mother looked like the kind and gentle type that every son dreamed of and she was looking down at him with her hand on his back and a huge smile of pride on her face.
It made Cartman sick. He knew exactly what they were doing as his eyes were immediately drawn to the wad of cash in the mother's other hand and the innocent box of homemade cookies in the arms of the son.
The four boys watched in anticipation as the house owner that had slammed the door in their face answered to this young and sweet child and his darling mother. They couldn't hear what was said, or what they were laughing at, but they could tell that the house owner said "Aww" to the young boy after he stretched out his arms and held the box of cookies up. And then they noticed the house owner pass over a few dollars and take a couple of cookies from the child.
Stan, Kenny and Kyle joined Cartman in staring at the child with a dumbfounded and slightly angered expression.
"De fuck?" Cartman said barely moving his face.
"Dude, he just got a sale! What gives?" Stan agreed.
"What a piss-take!" Kenny muffled.
The boys watched as the child beamed up at his mother and she placed the money handed to her into her purse. Then, as they began to walk back down the path, the mother took hold of her son's arm very carefully and the closed eyes on the boy, that the four thought were part of the animated beaming smile, remained permanently closed as he walked towards them.
Suddenly the observers felt a little guilty and they stopped staring. They kept their heads low as the child skipped merrily past them clutching onto his mother's hand tightly, both of them smiling.
"Poor kid." Kyle said softly as they watched the blind boy knock on the next door.
"Poor kid? Poor kid? Kahl did you see that wad of cash!" Cartman blurted and the others looked at him in disgust.
"Yeah poor kid! I can't imagine anything worse than being blind!" Kyle replied.
"Being poor and blind; but we know that's not the case with these dirty thieves."
The three stood with wide eyes and gaping jaws, looking at Cartman. Kyle was about to say something else when a shout from someone behind them interrupted him.
"Stan!"
They all turned around to see Wendy looking at him and beckoning him towards her.
"Wendy?" Stan shouted questioning her appearance.
"Can I talk to you a minute?"
Stan looked back at the guys who rolled their eyes. "It'll only take a minute." He said guiltily and walked towards Wendy.
"Stan no! You have to help with my plan! Stan! God dam it." Cartman shouted and then muttered defeated.
Kyle and Kenny turned back to Cartman after watching Stan walk away.
"Dam chicks, they're always ruining things for us guys. Always have done as well! Even Superman was dragged everywhere by Lois Lane, and Mary Jane distracted Spiderman from his duties!"
"What the hell are you talking about Cartman?" Kyle said.
"Not to mention Rachael Dawes!" Kenny added.
"Rachael Dawes?" Kyle questioned turning to Kenny in confusion.
"Rachael Dawes, you know Batman's girl." Kenny reminded him.
"Batman doesn't have a girl." Kyle said and instantly regretted it as Cartman and Kenny gave him shocked and suspicious looks.
"Um…yeah he does Kahl, you know like in the two films Batman Begins and The Dark Knight." Cartman said slowly.
"Oh, oh right." Kyle said, still not entirely sure.
There was another silence as Kenny and Cartman exchanged glances.
"Kahl, you have seen the Dark Knight haven't you?"
Kyle's eyes flipped between Cartman and Kenny's anticipating faces and then he looked down at his feet and bit his lip.
"No! No Kahl!" Cartman immediately burst out. "You haven't seen the Dark Knight?"
"Alright so I haven't so what!" Kyle said defensively and Cartman and Kenny flung their arms in the air and sighed dramatically.
"What?"
"Kahl if you haven't seen the Dark Knight you haven't completed the checklist!" Cartman said looking at him desperately like he had betrayed them. Kyle returned the favour by looking at him like he was speaking a foreign language.
"What checklist?"
"It's from a book called The Dude in you." Kenny started, and Kyle was thankful he was talking to someone he could probably get some sense out of. "It has a checklist in it made for kids our age that we have all managed to tick every box in."
Kyle looked between the two confused as to why this was so important to them.
"Basically Kahl, if you haven't ticked everything in this book then you're not the guy we thought you were."
Kyle paused for a minute and then looked at the two in shock slightly hurt.
"You mean, if I haven't completed this checklist I won't be able to hang out with you guys anymore?"
As Kyle looked at him, Kenny rolled his eyes down and shuffled his feet to try and avoid the awkward hurt looks he was getting but Cartman just stared back at him.
"Alright! Fine! Gimmie this checklist!" Kyle roared.
Cartman slowly reached into his bag and pulled out a book with a picture of the Fonz with his thumbs up on the front cover and a title above him saying The Dude in you. He held it out to Kyle who looked at him and placed his hand on the book to take it away but Cartman pulled it back just before he could.
"I warn you Kahl, you're not going to like some of the stuff in here."
Kyle looked at him threateningly through narrowed eyes and ignored him, snatching the book from his hands and began to march away.
"Hey Kahl." Cartman shouted back making Kyle stop and turn back to him. "Every last box." He said menacingly and smiled a smile that Kyle recognized all too well but he ignored it and continued walking away.
This was brilliant. There's no way Kahl would be able to complete every box in there! Some things are against his pointless code of righteousness. He thinks he'll be saved from hell by following his head? Go to happy little Jew heaven? No chance, he's a Jew! No Jews get through the pearly gates. So when he finds he can't complete the list he'll be kicked out of the group, Stan will cry and I will laugh. No doubt Kyle will cry too, and I'll just laugh at him as well! Right in his face whilst he cries all the way home to mommy. Oh what would I give to see him cry?
When Kyle was out of sight Kenny and Cartman turned back to Stan and Wendy to find they too had left.
"God dam hippy!" Cartman mumbled angrily "Looks like it's you and me Kenny." He said reaching into his bag.
Kenny didn't like the sound of that. Cartman's plans were always either a little over the top or well past the boundaries of downright illegal and if they got into trouble for it he wouldn't hesitate to pass the blame.
He watched Cartman suspiciously as he continued to rummage through to the bottom of his bag.
"What's the plan?" Kenny said slightly nervous and not entirely sure he really wanted the answer.
"We'll just play that blind kid at his own game. If people won't respond to my cute daintiness…" Kenny scoffed interrupting him and Cartman gave him a threatening look. "…then we'll have to get their sympathy another way." And with that he finally found what he was rummaging for.
"Play the blind kid at his…?" Kenny started but couldn't finish as his eyes widened and he stared in shock at what Cartman pulled out of his bag.
Two eye patches.
"No Cartman! I am not pretending to be blind!" Kenny protested.
"Oh come on Kenny! This way we're sure to get the money! Think of the money you need for your family you poor piece of crap, don't be so selfish!"
Kenny scrunched his nose up in anger "You wouldn't split it evenly with me anyway you asshole!"
"Sure I would, now put them on before someone sees you seeing things!"
Cartman held the eye patches out to Kenny who didn't take them and continued looking up at Cartman. "Why don't you wear them?"
Cartman rolled his eyes like he was talking to an annoying child but kept his hands out. "Because dumbass I pull stuff like this all the time some people might think I'm faking."
"You are faking."
"That's not the point! Now put them on!"
"No!"
"God dam it Kenny!"
Kenny smacked his hand up at Cartman's causing the eye patches to fly out of his hands.
"Ey!" Cartman squawked and ran to pick up the patches from the snow. He lifted them out of the small hole they made and brushed off the few snowflakes that hadn't melted. He then turned back to Kenny to find he was walking away.
"Kenny you asshole! You're family isn't going to eat tonight because of you!"
Kenny ignored him and remained walking away but raised his hand behind his back to give a one-finger gesture.
"God dam it." Cartman muttered and picked up his bag of cookies and began walking down the street following the same path as the blind boy.
"Where am I going to find someone who looks convincing enough to be a blind kid?" He muttered whilst rubbing the eye patches in his hands with his thumbs, looking down at them as he thought.
Just then he heard footsteps crunching in the snow but, thinking it was just the blind kid on his way back to mock him, he didn't look up until he recognized a weak crying whimper that could belong to only one of his friends.
Butters was walking towards Cartman with his hand against his eye and the other eye scrunched up as he was crying. His other hand was stretched out and feeling along the fences of the gardens to guide his way and make sure he didn't stray onto the road.
"Butters?" Cartman questioned quietly like he didn't believe what he was seeing.
Butters didn't hear him and continued to whimper, slowly making his way towards him.
"Butters!" Cartman said louder and this made Butters stop in his tracks and hold his hand out to feel for him.
"Eric?"
"Butters what the hell?"
"Oh Eric, thank goodness I found someone. It's my eye! It really hurts!" Butters cried.
"You're eye! But Butters that's perfect!"
Butters flickered his other eye open to look at Cartman. "Wh-why?"
Cartman stopped smiling after realizing what he had just said and coughed awkwardly.
"Be-because Butters it just so happens that I have a medical kit on me."
"You do! Well gee thanks Eric."
"Hold still Butters."
Cartman stretched out the eye patch and placed it over Butters' eye and then he placed the second one over the other eye. Then he stood back with his hands on his hips and looked closely at Butters to check how convincing it looked.
"Err…Eric? Not that I'm…doubting your medical expertise but…why do I need two eye patches? My other eye doesn't hurt you know."
Cartman didn't answer for a while and just looked at Butters from different angles as he stood silently and awkwardly fiddling his thumbs.
"Er-eric?"
"Because Butters the infection might spread."
"Infection? Oh jeez."
"Don't worry Butters you're in safe hands, now come on." Cartman said calmly and threw his bag over his shoulder with the cookies inside and grabbed Butters' arm pulling him away.
"Where are we going?"
"To the mall." Cartman smiled.
At the mall Cartman had set up a stand on the ground floor. Butters was sitting behind it on a small plastic chair, still with the eye patches on, and Cartman was walking about in front of the stand with a box of cookies on string around his neck. At the front of the stand was a hand made poster that read:
"Blind boy needs money for freakish scary eye operation, Cookies $1" in messy handwriting.
Butters sat confused twiddling his thumbs as their first customer caught notice of the stand and walked towards Cartman who beamed up at him.
"Blind huh?"
"Yes sir that's right, blind as a bat."
"Blind!" Butters screamed "Oh Jesus no!"
Cartman ignored him and smiled guiltily up at the man who looked at Butters skeptically before looking down again at Cartman angrily.
"Just $1 for a cookie sir." He smiled, already getting a cookie out of the box.
The man just shook his head and walked away making Cartman sigh heavily and walk back grumpily to Butters who was now fidgeting on his seat.
"Blind! Eric what do I do? Should I take something? Oh jeez where's the nearest doctor!" He panicked.
"Would you calm down Butters."
"But I don't wanna be blind Eric! Well I-I'd rather be slapped silly by a monkey than be blind and-and I don't really want to be slapped silly by a monkey." Butters stammered.
"Blindness wears off eventually Butters, Jesus Christ." Cartman lied.
"It-it does?"
"Sure. But we just need some money to help with that. So we're gonna stand and sell cookies, now look adorable and confident but sad and bewildered!" Cartman demanded confusingly and took back the box of cookies to hunt down customers.
This was it. The ultimate foolproof plan, the plan that was going to make him rich! Well richer than all his friends and that's all that mattered. Now when something truly awesome is released, like a new Xbox game or console, and they all asked their parents and they all said no; he would be able to walk into the shop and simply buy it himself! Use it all by himself! And the others would just have to sit and watch him, filling with jealousy.
However it was a while before another customer even looked at the stall. And when they did they didn't seem too interested.
Cartman gave up after a while and sat back down with Butters.
"I just don't get it Butters, we've got the illness we've got the cause, we've got the delicious cookies that my mum baked, you look fairly cute and cuddly. What are we missing?"
Butters turned and looked more or less in Cartman's direction guessing from the sound of his voice.
"Well I've never given to a charity before. Oh except when I sponsored a dog because it was an ex-circus dog! Yeah he had been thrown out onto the street but he could still dance!" Butters giggled and Cartman looked at him like a he was a freak. He rolled his eyes and looked around him for ideas or inspiration; clearly he wasn't going to get it from Butters.
"Oh and there was the guy who had this illness see, and he had survived all through pre-school and elementary school and high school but he just needed money for university." Butters continued.
Cartman's eyes suddenly shot open and he slowly turned to Butters with a smile on his face. "That's it!"
"What? Go to university? Because I don't think I'm old enough yet." Butters said, as he couldn't see Cartman's notorious smile
"No Butters! A simple background story is all we need! A story to drag people in, get people interested, make people want to give us money not feel like they have to! We just need to make up a painful, terrifying, heart-wrenching story full of love and tears!"
Butters began to fidget again as he thought of how he really hurt his eye. "You mean lie?" He stammered.
"Oh yes, lie. Lie the perfect lie. And by the end we'll make people believe that with their help, their money, they can bring the story a happy ending." Cartman smiled evilly to himself.
A/N: So Butters has once again been dragged into Cartman's plans! Want to know what happens in the rest of Cartman's story?
Then watch this space!
