(7) What's with the tears? (aka the one where Bellamy leaves the first time)

She had actually, seriously considered hiding from him that day.

Everyone was gathered at the gates, bunched together, saying goodbyes, crying and laughing, holding desperately to the little families they had created.

Clarke has been sitting in the med tent since dawn. First, she decides to repack the medical kit that she had organized for them the night before. Then she realizes the seaweed would keep better if she wrapped the individual strands in cloth rather than bunching them together. After that a boy comes in with a small burn, and Clarke spends forty minutes explaining to him the different classifications of burns, how to identify them, and how to treat them before covering his wound in a soothing balm and sending him on his way. She has repacked the kit twice more before eating a small lunch and then repacking it one more time just to see if she could fit in another roll of bandages. And then, just as she is planning to sneak out to the meadow just beyond their new camp walls, Raven shows up. Her arms are crossed and her eyebrows are raised. She would probably have her hip popped out in that "don't give me any of your shit Clarke" pose of hers, but she was still struggling to get used to keeping her balance with that new brace on her leg.

"Oh Clarke, good you're finished with the med kit!" she says as she reaches over to snatch it out of Clarke's grasp.

"Well, I did want to try to add another…"

Raven shakes her head "No, they're about to leave. Let's go."

"I don't need you to talk to me like I'm a child."

"Clarke, I'm trying to help you. If you don't go out there you'll never forgive yourself."

It feels like every organ in Clarke's body drops because she's right….she's really right and it was so stupid to think that she wouldn't have to face this, like Bellamy wouldn't have come and found her if she'd stayed another ten minutes anyway. But even though she knows she has to face this, and she's faced horrible things before, she still needs Raven to take a threatening step towards her (it was more like a stumble but Jesus the girl had a bullet pulled out of her, it may have been two years ago but Clarke knows it's a miracle that she's even able to walk at all) to get her to stand and start walking out of the med tent and towards the main gate.

She catches Finn's eye first. He's leaning against the wall and watching everyone with a smile on his face. He's not going to fight (he still can't even look at a gun without getting lost in horrible memories), but he'll be helping them on their journey to join Lincoln's uncle's clan. He nods at her and she nods back, because that's just where they are now. It's getting better, and he's accepted that being friends is all she can offer him but its still strange to hang around someone that's seen you naked (Unless you're Bellamy or Raven who seem to think the fact that they slept together is funny more than anything.)

Raven leaves her side when she spots Miller, but she touches Clarke on the shoulder before she goes. Clarke reminds herself to check on her friend later, mostly because she knows Raven is furious with herself for not being able to go along. She is a fighter. She certainly doesn't belong here waiting.

As she walks she shakes as many of their hands as possible. She wishes them luck, pats them on the back, shoots sympathetic looks to friends and significant others who are struggling to keep the worry out of their eyes. 22 men and women of the remaining 100 were leaving them, Clarke prayed to every divine power she had ever heard about that all 22 would return. Bellamy had promised her they would, but Bellamy was just a man….though he forgets that sometimes.

She finds Bellamy with her eyes just as he is pulling Octavia to the side. Lincoln approaches her slowly, obviously trying to give the siblings some space. He's still not overly fond of Clarke but they've created a level of mutual respect. He looks less intimidating today, but she knows that's probably because the thought of leaving Octavia makes him want to crawl into a little ball and cry like a baby….and that's a mental picture Clarke never thought she'd have.

"Thank you for the medical supplies." He says, and Clarke rips her eyes away from the Blakes to nod at him.

"It was the least I could do."

"We'll have good healers where we're going," Lincoln adds "but every little thing counts."

"It's best to be overly prepared." Clarke agrees.

Lincoln just nods and looks back over to see if Octavia has finished. She's got her arms wrapped around Bellamy in a way that looks almost painful. She keeps shaking her head. Bellamy is trying to make her understand. Clarke has already heard that speech.

"I'll watch out for her." She says suddenly to Lincoln "I know she doesn't need it, but I will. I just…thought you'd like to know that she has friends here."

He almost smiles and she can appreciate that.

"Your people are strong." He says "Stronger than I ever expected."

She assumes he's trying to reassure her, so she gives him the same half smile that he gave her and turns just in time to see Bellamy and Octavia break apart. Her face is already stained with tears. Clarke tries not to look at her, or at Bellamy. She can feel the familiar prickling behind her eyes. She takes a deep breath and tries to think like a leader, a diplomat, a woman who is here to see her people off and wish her partner the best of luck. But this …this isn't that easy. She's never had to lead by herself. Her people are still young, so, so young, certainly not prepared for a war and Bellamy….is her partner but she's not naive enough to think that giving him a composed and diplomatic goodbye is anywhere in the realm of possibility.

Lincoln walks away from her to comfort Octavia and Clarke gets approximately six seconds of silence before Bellamy is in front of her. That brave face of his is slipping, obviously exhausted from the conversation with his little sister. He looks the same way that she feels: like it would probably be easier just to skip the goodbyes but how could she live with herself if she did.

"I packed the med kit," she says and she turns her head because for some reason that sentence is the one that makes her start to cry. "Lincoln has it. It's not much, but it should be enough for your trip. There will be other healers where you're going so…"

"Where have you been all day?"

God his voice.

She still won't look at him, but she can feel that a tear has escaped. It's running down her cheek and she knows he notices it before she can distract him with an answer. "I was packing the med kit…and then Kelvin came in with a burn so ….I had to help him. I was busy."

"Clarke,"

She turns to him on instinct, because he's using the voice that he uses when they have their nightly discussions about the hundreds of things that could kill them on a daily basis. The things she'll have to deal with on her own now. So yes, she lets herself look at him and some horrible, dramatic part of her wonders if that will be the last time she ever hears him say her name. The thought makes her sick. Bellamy won't break that promise. He'll come back. Unfortunately her eyes don't quite seem to believe what her brain is saying because her vision is blurry now, her cheeks hot from trying to hold it in.

"What's with the tears?" he asks the question with a smile, and Clarke tries desperately to return it.

"Don't be stupid, what tears?" she wipes them away with her hands. "So are you all ready to go?" Her voice cracks, more tears leak out, and he flinches.

"We talked about this Princess."

"We talked about what?"

"Fuck, come here." he grabs her wrist and pulls her to him, wrapping his arms around her so that all she can feel is safe, and warm, and Bellamy. She's glad he did it because no one will be surprised to see them hugging, but she really didn't want anyone to see her crying like an irrational child…..or a scared little princess with a broken heart. "You're gonna be okay." He whispers to her "You've got Raven and Monroe, you keep doing things the way you've been doing them Clarke and everything will be fine. You can do this."

She nods against him, but he must be able to feel her tears through his shirt because he holds her tighter. "I need you to calm down because you need to be strong for them okay? And ….I can't…I need you to be strong for me too."

She takes a deep breath and lets his words sink in.

"You trust me don't you?" he asks "You believe me when I say I'm coming back."

"Yeah."

"Okay good." She thinks she feels him kiss the top of her forehead, but she's so focused on trying to stop crying that she doesn't even really care. Eventually she pulls herself away from him, he's looking at her with the understanding and faith he always has in his eyes, well lately at least. No one could deny that as partners they had a bit of a rocky start, but they've grown so much since then. She relies on him now, not just to keep the camp in order, but to keep herself in order. They keep each other balanced. He's her best friend, her right hand man, her family in a place where she didn't think she had anybody. He's a good man and as much as she hates what had to be done, she knows that he's doing the right thing. So because he's worked so hard, because he's come so far, because everyone he's ever cared about has left him alone in one way or another she wipes the rest of the tears from her eyes and tells him what he deserves to hear.

"I love you Bellamy."

And it's not romantic, but it's not exactly platonic either. She's not confessing her love for him or even claiming to be in love with him because neither of them have the time or energy for that right now. She's simply telling him something he probably already knows. They did love each other. How could they not? In a way it was no different than how Bellamy loved Octavia or Monty loved Jasper, but then again it was completely different. Their relationship was entirely their own. They were a pair. They had been by each other's side since escaping from Mount Weather and hadn't spent more than a few days apart since that first separation, when she thought he was dead. It's very complicated, but it's so simple at the same time and she knows Bellamy gets it because all he does is nod and smile.

"Love you too Clarke."

It sounds like friendship and family and something permanent. It makes her start to cry all over again.

She hugs him this time and he leans his head down to rest on her shoulder. He's scared too. He doesn't have much experience dealing with grounders without having Clarke with him. She can practically feel the weight of the world on his shoulders when he takes a deep breath. "Try to keep Octavia out of trouble." He finally says.

"No promises."

He pulls away and looks at her. "If I can find a way to get a message here…to let you know we're okay. I'll do it."

She nods "Eight weeks right?"

"I hope so."

"Be careful what they eat, we don't know what's growing out there. The last thing you need is some berry that knocks them unconscious. And make sure Jace Mitchell keeps that ankle wrapped, he's lucky I'm even letting him go."

"Right. I already told the hunting parties not to go after boar, but make sure you reiterate that. I'm taking most of our good shots and those things are too big for people to be fucking around. And I'd cut the moonshine ration back. A lot of people are going to be hurting and I don't think you want drunken chaos."

"No, you're right. I'll let Monty know. Did they pack enough food for you?"

"Yeah, just enough for us to carry along. We'll try to hunt in the morning. Did you figure out who skipped out on their guard shift yester…"

"Oh yeah, yeah I meant to tell you it was just a misunderstanding."

"Good, if anyone gives you shit about being on latrine duty, write their fucking names down and I'll deal with them when I get back. And don't buy that "it makes me so sick I can't eat for days" bullshit. They're always trying to manipulate you…"

"I never fall for it Bellamy."

"Yeah, I know. I'm just…" he takes a deep breath "Promise me that you'll sleep at least six hours every day, that you'll eat , and drink, and ask for help in the med bay if you need it."

"Don't patronize me.."

"I'm not. I just don't want you to worry."

"Of course I'm going to worry, don't be an idiot."

"I need you to take care of yourself just in case.."

"Stop!" she holds her hands up "Don't bring this up again. We already had this horrible talk and you promised me you'd be back. Please just don't go there right now."

"Okay, you're right." He holds his hands up "I'm just…."

"Stalling?"

He smirks because he's always said that she can read him like a fucking book.

"Yeah."

"We don't have to actually say it if you don't want to."

"Bellamy?" Lincoln interrupts with a small cough "We should leave soon if we want to make it to the rally point by dark." Octavia is hanging onto Lincoln's arm. She's stopped crying, but she still looks small. So unlike the warrior Octavia has become. She reaches over and grabs Bellamy's hand. He nods and looks back at Clarke. She can see the word forming on his tongue and she realizes that she doesn't want to hear it. It sounds cold and final and horrible. So she picks up her arm and looks down at her watch.

"Alright Blake you're on the clock. Eight weeks, and go!"

He smiles at her and then closes his eyes and lets go of his sisters hand. Lincoln kisses Octavia's cheek and steps towards the gates to rally the troops. Bellamy turns around without another glance at them. Clarke can't blame him, and anyway she's seen his eyes enough to remember what they look like. She watches as 22 of her people leave camp. Bellamy takes the lead and disappears into the tree line faster than she expected. She tries to trick herself into thinking that it's just another hunting trip and he'll be back by nightfall, but those kinds of tricks never work. She cries quietly out of sadness, and worry, and frustration and she's really, really glad when Octavia stands next to her and takes her hand. She always feels better with a Blake at her side.