Thursday, the day of the tryouts, I didn't feel apprehensive at all, despite the ominous weather. Skies were dark and cloudy, and the wind was blowing everything around. But I was going to sing-good signs or no-but I was nervous about seeing Kyoya. He was one of the judges, or so I'd heard. That's what worried me, especially since my song was kind of really similar to my-er, our situation. Ack.
Being held in the theater, the tryouts were turning out to be a big deal, almost all of the seats in the center audience of chairs being filled. As I peeked around the curtain, I searched for the judges. I found them at the side of the stage, sitting in comfy chairs at an oak table. Who they were surprised me slightly. I mean, yes, I knew about Kyoya, but I hadn't been expecting Haruhi and Mori to be his coworkers.
"Probably chosen for being so level headed..." I murmered. Suddenly, I felt hands on my waist. "Ah"
"Hello Mai!" Tamaki's bright smile only hightened my annoyance. He must have seen the look of death on my face, because he apologized profusely. Then I finally returned his wide grin.
"Hey Tamaki. Are you the emcee"
He nodded proudly. "Hunny is one as well. Quick question: would you like Hunny to introduce you, or me"
"Uhh..." I squinched my eyes shut in concentration. "Um, could you do it? Like, in a short way though? I don't want a big introduction." I opened my eyes to see watery blue eyes and sparkles around his face. Which totally confused me.
"Thank you Mai! I'm honored. I will not let you down!" He danced off, swaying and humming in a show of happiness.
"Effeminate weirdo," I muttered, shaking my head. But at least Tamaki would be the one introducing me. I didn't trust Hunny with knowing my song and introducing me as well. He was too smart for my good.
I had thirty minutes before my turn, including this ten minute break. Tamaki had my music and my song name; humming my song, I readjusted my skirt. Hikaru and Kaoru had come over to my house and chosen my attire for the audition, which consisted of a short red skirt over black tights and white heels that they had bought for me and a mismatch striped blouse that was connected at my shoulders and then attached to the cuff at my wrists. My clothes set, song memorized, nerves steeled; I was ready for anything.
Except for Kyoya, coming up to me during the break.
"Hello Mai." Easily recognizable, my eyes shot open at his voice. He can get such a reaction out of me.
"H-Hey Kyoya." I started fiddling with my hair, shortened about an inch from the waves flowing through it. One of the maids had helped me that morning to get it looking just right. My eyes met with his and were held there. For like the billionth time I though of how hypnotic his eyes are. And once again, he reminded me of ice fire.
"How are you?" he continued. It seemed to me that he was pressing for conversation.
Determined not to show how affected I was by him, I steeled my nerves a little more before answering. "I'm great," I replied through clenched teeth. He nodded solemnly, as though he could tell I was lying, literally through my teeth.
From the stage, we heard Tamaki announce that the break was just about over, and everyone should return to their seats for the remainder of the tryouts. Kyoya was watching me through this interruption in our conversation, then he said good luck and returned to his seat.
I wrapped my arms around me to stop the shaking. That had been one of the scariest encounters of my life. Holding hands to my chest seemed to be the only way to keep my heart from jumping out.
After two acts-a tap dancing routine and some gymnastics girls-I was up. Somehow, my nerves hadn't calmed down. Singing would be no problem; it was singing without looking at Kyoya that was giving me trouble.
"Ladies and gentleman of Ouran," Tamaki boomed from centerstage. "Please welcome my good friend to the stage, Mai Nowaki!" A rousing response deafened my ears as I waited behind the red curtain. "She will be singing The Carpal Tunnel of Love by Fall Out Boy...in English!" Gasps of surprise and disbelieving laughs echoed in the theater. The curtain was raised, and I stepped up to the microphone.
The beginning was a little shaky due to my nerves, but as the music began to swell, my voice grew with it. I hit all the right notes and communicated my meaning. And I didn't look at Kyoya.
We keep the beat With your blistered feet And we bullet the words At the mockingbirds singing Slept through the weekend And dreaming of sinking with the melody Off the cliffs of eternity Got postcards from my former selves Saying 'How've you been?'
Ringing high and clear, my English was flawless, perfect. I saw many confused and mystified faces along with some understanding ones, effectively telling me who was educated in language.
And we might've said goodbye Just a little soon Robbing lips, kissing banks Under this moon Whoa, we're so miserable and stunning Whoa, love songs for the genuinely cunning
I snuck a look at Kyoya, to make sure he was paying attention. He was leaning back, head resting on the cushioned armchair, eyes shut lightly. His arms were resting on the arms, the fingers of his right hand drumming to the beat. I nearly sighed in relief; he just looked so damn peaceful.
Finished in a difficult array of notes, the song's final chord drifted into silence, while the theater was filled with applause. I smiled slightly, feeling a bit dazed. Off to the side, I could see Tamaki and Hunny madly clapping and jumping up and down. When I looked the other way, to the judge's table, I only saw Haruhi and Mori, also clapping. Kyoya was nowhere to be seen.
Tamaki took the stage, closing my audition for me. I made my way to Hunny and gave him a hug.
"Mai, you did so well! Bun-Bun loved your singing!" I had to grin as he held the bunny at my eye level.
"Thank you very much Hunny. And thank you, Bun-Bun!" I gave Hunny's toy an eskimo kiss and giggled. My high from the audition had taken over me and I felt so giddy from it.
"Oh, Mai, Kyoya wants to talk to you"
Somehow, my smile widened. "Really? Where is he?" I looked around a bit, expecting the guy to appear at any moment. Hunny was wearing a very sly smile as he told me that Kyoya was waiting in the Host Club room.
I swear I left little dust clouds behind me when I dashed off.
Reaching the hall where the music room was, I slowed myself down. No reason to let him know how anxious and excited I was. I didn't even know why I was feeling this way. Chalking it up to just feeling great about my performance, I opened the door.
Since it was dark outside now, a few lamps had been turned on. Kyoya was by the large window looking down at the fountain in the courtyard. The lights flashed back up at him, lighting up each of his individual features one at a time. The click made from me shutting the door turned him around, and he smiled at me.
"Mai," he breathed. I took a few steps towards the middle of the room, in between the largest couches. He smiled even more. "You sang wonderfully tonight"
Instead of turning red, I think I started glowing. "Thank you. Do you think I made it in the talent show?" He slowly, lazily crossed the room to me.
"In my opinion," he said quietly, "you made it." He stepped even closer. Now I had to tilt my head up to look into his eyes.
"In my opinion, you made the right choice." I really couldn't help my smugness. "I was awesome"
A light chuckle graced his voice before he answered. "Yes, you were." Kyoya lifted his left hand hesitantly, then placed it on my shoulder. "You are, how you say, awesome," he whispered.
Time seemed to stop. My own breath seemed to stop.
Eternity stood still as he leaned down to press his lips to mine.
The warmest feeling imaginable spread from my lips to my fingers and toes and the tips of my hair. My arms wound themselves around his neck as he gripped his behind my back. Sighing into the kiss, my eyes fluttered and blurred. Suddenly, I understood every individual emotion I felt about him: desire, frustration, determination, longing, envy, admiration, even lust for his looks. It was like I was a secret book, and his lips were the key, made to fit perfectly with mine. They were so soft as they moved over mine, and put everything out of my head. I had no worries. I wasn't thinking about the show, or my friends, or my mother...until I was.
Kyoya ended up laying flat on the floor, a look of total shock frozen on his face.
"No...no no NO!" Knees hitting the floor, I held my head in my hands and screamed. Almost immediately, strong arms wrapped around me. "Mai. Mai, what's wrong"
Eyes wide, my head snapped up. Staring into his worried face was like watching a little bird try to fly with a broken wing. Clearly, he wasn't used to this. I wasn't familiar with it either. A droplet on my hand alerted me to the tears falling one by one from my cheeks. I hadn't even noticed that I had started crying.
"Mai, tell me what's"
"I don't need a reason to want to stay here," I said so quietly that I wasn't sure if I had actually said that or just thought it. The way Kyoya's face was looking, all stony and expressionless? Yeah. It had me guessing that I actually spoke the cruel words.
Those warm, hard arms loosened, then let go. It had to be the most heartbreaking feeling I have ever felt, thought about, read, or had described to me. He helped me stand; I ran away.
Dear Journal My life is over.
I came to this school with the express intent to leave, to go back to Akioka and be with my friends.
Instead...I found a reason to stay.
God...what am I going to do?
Hardly having the strength to move, since I ran all the way home, and after I scrawled in my journal, I heaved myself to grab my scrapbook on my dresser. Seeing as how I'm an instant gratification kind of girl, I just flopped down beside the bureau and opened the book.
Each page showed so many faces, all of my friends from Akioka High School, the skate park; there were so many memories in each picture. I scanned each person, remembering all the times I told them to look and smile. All the times I snapped a photo, not telling them how important this little square was to me as I pasted it in my scrapbook along with ticket stubs and coins and lucky pieces of string, together with other seemingly useless items. A few signatures from semi-famous skaters had made it in there, and some of my friends' little drawings.
These memories are my life. As I turned to the last page, I started. This was the only page that had pictures of me: me with my friends, with the skaters, on my own, riding my skateboard with the background blurred. My friends had stolen it from me for a week and pasted my face on this page, then made me swear not to take it out, no matter how many pages I added. But that's not what caught my breath.
The small photograph was shaking with my hand as I picked it up. It flashed in the dim light coming from my lamp, demanding more attention than it deserved. Clearly an impromptu photo taken by an amateur, it was a little blurry, but its subject was still obvious. A shy smile, sparkling eyes, perfect posture; it was a shocking turnaround from the facade I had grown used to. He must have looked through this when I left it at the Club, but why had he put the picture in?
Then it hit me: he wanted me to know him. He might not have been able to show it, but Kyoya wanted to be known. This night, the kiss, was him trying to be honest with me, just like I was being with him when I sang that song. And I realized that I might have messed it all up.
"Damn it!" I slammed my head against my dresser, which I'll admit wasn't the solution to any of my problems.
I held my aching head as I stumbled to my bed, not bothering with the lights or my clothes. The only progressive thing I did was take off my shoes before I sank willingly into the mattress.
