Harry had told her a lot of things about the hunt and all that came before that, too, like his first year. Things he hadn't told anyone. She was the person who knew most about him.
Except, of course, for Ron and Hermione.
Harry got out of the war with difficulty. He tried very hard to not be affected and he pretended to be well, but on the inside he was dying and she was the only one who saw it and who was able to help him. And she loved to know that she played a part that important in his life. Yet, she sometimes wished she had more, and even though she hated herself for her selfish feelings, she couldn't help it.
Harry was always with her during those months after the war. He would always try to spend his free time with her. But she would be lying if she didn't admit she saw how every time she'd go to bed earlier or take a shower he would take this opportunity to talk alone with Ron and Hermione. It's like he used the moment he was Ginny-free to have real conversations with them. And she hated that she wasn't a part of it. She hated that he still had secrets.
So, that evening, after she came out of the shower and didn't find Harry anywhere – nor Ron or Hermione, for that matter – she decided to take a walk on the grounds to put her thoughts in place. Those emotions were bigger by the day and Harry knew something was wrong, but when she sad "nothing" the first time he asked he decided not to push. Still, she knew that if she didn't get it out of her chest soon it would crash her at some point. So she would try and figure it out by herself how to be okay, or if she couldn't, she would think of the best way to tell Harry how she felt.
The breeze was really warm and inviting, a good weather to think. She was heading to the tree she used to hide under when she was a kid, but when she was close to it she saw them. Trying to ignore the bitter feeling she got when she thought of how inconsiderate it was of them to use her favorite spot to do something she hated, she turned away and went as far of the place as she could without leaving the property. She didn't want to hear what they were talking about, not if they made such an effort to keep her out.
She ended up sitting under the oldest tree they had. It was really big and the branches were so heavy you could barely see inside the cave they formed reaching the ground.
Hugging her knees to her chest, she closed her eyes and tried to just take those horrible feelings out. She shouldn't be feeling like this. She had Harry and they were together and things were finally getting better. And if she were to feel a thump on the throat it should be because of the war that ended not so long ago and all the losses she had, not that. Still, it was bigger than her. It was irrational and she hated feeling like this. She wished she had a brother to talk to, but right now she didn't, because Ron was involved, Fred had died, George was still grieving, and Percy, Charlie and Bill weren't living there anymore, barely visiting long enough for a real talk.
She wanted to cry. She hated doing it, but she liked the feeling of lightness she felt after. But she couldn't even do that because she hated herself for her feelings and part of her didn't want to be lighted.
The tears were almost coming, though, when the branches were lifted and Harry, Ron and Hermione appeared through it.
"Occupied, sorry." She said turning her head to the other side trying to hide the tears that she now couldn't stop – and she hated herself even more.
"Can't we join you?" Ron asked in that thick way only he could and she would have laughed if she wasn't so sad, angry, and confused with it.
"I'd rather not." She answered still not looking at them and she knew they had exchanged glances in those seconds no one spoke.
"Ginny, is everything okay?" Hermione asked taking a step closer.
"No. But I want to be alone." She lowered her head to her knees so hide the urging sobs she knew were coming.
It took a few seconds, but then she heard their footsteps fading and the braches stopped.
And then she cried. Since the tears wouldn't go away, she finally allowed herself to let it go, knowing that, even thought part of her didn't think she deserved, she'd feel better later.
And it wasn't until her breath calmed down that a hand touched her shoulder.
"Better?" Harry asked worried.
"What are you doing here?" She asked almost yelling, getting away from his hand.
"I wouldn't leave you here alone in that state." His voice was very soft considering the frown in his face.
"Wouldn't it be a perfect opportunity for the three of you to talk?" She asked bitterly without thinking.
He was taken aback by it. "I… what?"
She sighed tiredly. The heaviness in her chest had eased, but not disappeared. "Nothing. It doesn't matter, anyway."
"Ginny, can you please talk to me? Tell me what's wrong!" He sounded desperate and she hated it.
"Everything is wrong, Harry. It shouldn't be, I should be happy, but I'm selfish and craving and stupid so I'm not. I just need to learn to not want what I can't have."
"And what do you want?"
"You." She whispered.
His brows arched in confusion. "But we're…"
"I want the Harry that Ron and Hermione get. And I understand that it isn't possible, but I still want it."
"What do you mean with that?" He really seemed not to understand.
"You three have been through a lot together. I get that a… bond or something was created that will never fade. And I think it's great that you have that, because you deserve to have people who love you. But sometimes it feels that me loving you isn't as important as they loving you, and that it doesn't actually make a difference that I do. And more than sometimes it feels that I'll never be as important as that. And all the time it feels that for the three of you, I'll always be the one who'll be left behind, always the last choice." Somehow she was crying again and she was very surprised to see a glint very similar to tears in Harry's eyes too.
"Gin… don't, don't say that. It isn't true." He crawled closer and she didn't have enough power to get back. "The three of us, we do share a bond as you pointed. But we, you and I, we have a bond too. It's just… after everything that happened, they saw the very worst of me, and they were there in the worst possible times, and it just…"
"I tried to be there." She was suddenly very angry with him. "All that I wanted was to be there, always. And even when we got together, I was never there, because you never let me. But I was there all the time. Ron's left you twice, and I was there. You left me, but I was there. I was always there, even when you didn't want me to. And Hermione was always discouraging your ideas and plans, disbelieving your suspicions, and I was there, sure that you were right. People fail, I get that, but every time they failed you, you'd still go back. And I never once failed you, and still you always choose them. Maybe I should just be happy that you finally like back and want to be with me. Is it selfish that I think I deserve more? That I sometimes think of building a future with you, but then I know it can't happen because couples need trust and can't have secrets and you'll never be able to be like that with me?"
"Ginny," He said with a huge breath. He took her hands in his and she noticed he was shaking. "Do you… do you feel that I don't love you?"
She looked in his eyes for a long time. The tears were still falling and her heart was aching like it never had before. And then she mouthed without making a sound. "Yes."
"Oh, Ginny." He was crying now too. "You say you want their Harry, but you're the one who gets the best one. I never meant for you to feel left behind. These… talks we've been having when you're not around, they're just bitter moments of mourning and anger. I don't want to be like that with you. You make me happy and I want to be like that with you. You're so bright and full of life, and you've already helped me out of that depression state I was in… I want you to have a normal, happy boyfriend. I'm not hiding anything from you, really. There're no secrets in our conversations. I've told you everything we've been through." He took a deep breath and put his hands on her face. "I love you. I'm sorry if I don't demonstrate, I promise I'll be better. I'll prove to you that you're important, the most important thing I've ever had in my life. And I promise that I'll spend the rest of my life trying to compensate for leaving you. I won't leave you again, Ginny. You can leave me now, if you want. You're right, you have never failed me and I owe you a chance to pay back. But I will be selfish now and ask that you don't do that and give me a second chance. Please."
"I could never leave you." She whispered back.
"Can you forgive me?" He asked hugging her.
"Yes." She said weakly.
He let out a huge breath she didn't even notice he was holding, and held her closer.
"I'll make everyday worth it, Ginny. And," he let go of her to look at her eyes. "You'll always be my first choice. Okay?"
She nodded and he dried the tears from her face and kissed her slowly.
"I love you." She said when they parted.
"I know. And that is the best thing I've ever had in my life."
And then he kissed her again, determined to kiss away all the doubts she felt. He knew what it was like not to feel loved and he never wanted her to feel that way again.
For some reason she wanted to be with him, and he would spend the rest of his life preventing her from doubting him.
A/N: First of all: I did base this on a fanfic by an author I do not recall now. It's a great author and i'll look for it again. But anyway, the main plot is not mine. It just fit with the prompt and I really wanted to write this. Don't sue me. Second of all: I would just like to make one little thing clear: I do not - and I repeat, DO NOT - like "crying ginny". You read some fics sometimes where she can be compared to a fountain. I think it is extremelly hard to get her to cry. I made her cry this desperately in this fanfic because I believe that the grief frm the recent war and losses, added to the fact that Harry is a soft spot because of how much time she has liked him is enough to break someone down. I hope you enjoy.
